'Cause It's All In My Head [Royal]

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Addie moved slowly around the apothecary, carefully brushing a broom against the floor with every step, corralling dust and debris into neat little piles. She could have easily bewitched the broom to sweep the floor itself, as well as make all of her other menial chores complete themselves, but there was something soothing about doing it all by hand. It was a pleasant distraction from the horrors that crept around in her brain. After she finished sweeping, she would clean and reorganize the cauldrons, maybe twice. Anything to delay the inevitable going home.

It wasn't that Addie didn't like being at home. She loved her mother and sister, but a house full of emotional women was never a good thing. Their mother still mourned Kingsley, Addie mourned her lost innocence, and Abby mourned Theo...he wasn't dead, but Addie sure wished he was for the pain he had inflicted on her sister. Needless to say, they were all emotional wrecks, and the more time Addie spent at work, the happier she was.

The bell above the apothecary door dinged merrily, and Addie swore under her breath. She had forgotten to lock it. Her boss was going to have her head if anything got messed with while she was still on the clock. Rounding a shelf filled with jars upon jars of dried herbs, she put on her best salesperson voice and said, "Sorry, but we're closed...Royal?"

@royal

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Royal hadn’t seen Abigail at all over the summer, but he had seen Adelaide almost just as little. Both of his sisters were ghosts, or at little better than them. It was a bad thing when Royal was the child who was in the house the most often, considering the amount of times he had slept over at the Ministry or otherwise had avoided his household. He had had to go all over God’s green earth just to find Abigail, so at least finding Adelaide was easier, if not markedly more uncomfortable. Royal was aware that there was still amount of distance between himself and his sister, and he felt guilty for the fact that he had given up on finding her on her actual birthday in favor of dealing with Abigail’s problems, but now Royal was determined that he was going to give Adelaide one of his damn cupcakes, whether she wanted it or not. Carrying a cupcake through Diagon Alley wasn’t exactly easy, especially not when said cupcake had a candle on it. At least Royal hadn’t been stupid enough to light the candle, though he did realize it would have been a lot easier to stick it in after he had already gotten into the apothecary.

He knew it was after hours, which was exactly why he had chosen to come so late. He didn’t think his sister would appreciate a public birthday celebration, especially not when he was a day late. Royal was surprised to find the door open, but shrugged it off. At least it got his sister’s attention immediately. He lit the candle with a wave of his hand, and then smiled at his sister. “Happy belated birthday, Addie.”

@adelaide

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The smile that broke out on Addie's face felt foreign and uncomfortable. She hadn't smiled since...well, it had been awhile. Not even during her graduation had she been able to reclaim the happy expression. But she couldn't help it now. She stared at the little flame twitching in the dim light, her eyes reflecting its merry glow. She hadn't really cared that her birthday had gone unnoticed. She wasn't big on parties or attention, especially now. But the thought that her brother had sought her out so late at night to give her a treat, coupled with the fact that he remembered her birthday, left her speechless with emotion.

She stepped forward slowly, gently propping the broom up against a shelf as she moved closer to her brother. The cupcake was piled high with royal blue icing, her favorite color and the color of her Hogwarts house. The base, peaking out from the icing and paper liner, was obviously chocolate, another of her favorites. Royal really knew what he was doing. She took the little dessert from his hands and smiled at it, then at him. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Addie blew out the flame. The fire was quickly extinguished, but Addie could still feel its warmth. She gently plucked the smoldering candle out, peeled back the wrapper, and took a bite. The taste was sinfully sweet, all sugar and chocolate and deliciousness. Homemade, too.

"Royal, I don't know what to say...thank you. You didn't have to do this." But, as she took another bite, she was so glad he had.

@royal

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Seeing Addie smile was worth all of the work that Royal had put into the cupcake. There were more at home, of course, but none as perfectly constructed and perfectly decorated as the one he presented to his sister. He watched, smile spread across his own face, as his sister closed her eyes and made a wish. If only every birthday wish ever came true. Maybe then they wouldn't be in the situation they were in now. There was no use on mulling over the past, though, especially not since the present was so happy, for now. "I don't have to do anything." Royal told his sister with a small smile. "But I thought that you'd like something special, especially since you only turn nineteen once." You only turned any age once, but that was beside the point - birthdays deserved to be celebrated. "I got you a present, too, but it's back at home." He hadn't been sure of what Adelaide would want, or need, really, so he had just gotten her a boatload of Chocolate Frogs and a book about chocolatiers - as far as his sister was concerned, there was no such thing as too much chocolate, and Royal had to agree with her on that.

"Do you want a song? Because I can sing, but I don't want to subject you to that without your permission." He could hold a tune, but Royal wasn't a good singer by anyone's definition. It was Addie's (honorary) birthday, so she got to choose what happened or didn't happen.

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Addie didn't know what to say. She'd never been particularly close to Royal, especially since their father's death. Even after she was rescued, she had just withdrawn into herself and avoided everyone. Their mother had tried for a short while to console her, but Addie had only retreated further into the recesses of her own mind. But now she felt herself coming out. She was...happy. Maybe it was the chocolate causing the oxytocin to rush through her veins, but for the first time she didn't feel so trapped in herself. All over this small, sweet gesture.

"Please don't sing. I'm having a moment here," she said with a small chuckle. Turning nineteen wasn't such a big deal, but this tender moment made it the beset birthday ever, rivaling even the birthday she and Abby got their first brooms. She was vaguely aware of Royal saying that she had a present waiting at home, but it really didn't matter. She was happy with her little cupcake. Anything else was just an added bonus.

She popped the rest of the cupcake in her mouth and threw her arms around Royal, wrapping him in a tight hug. She was still at a loss for words, sputtering out a mashup of thanks. "Royal...this really means a lot to me. Thank you."

@royal

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Royal smiled, chuckling a little, when his sister said that she was having a moment. He hadn’t thought so much of this – he just wasn’t sure when he’d be able to celebrate his sister’s birthday if not now. Not celebrating was not an option; he had hashed through all the emotions surrounding the possibility that this birthday might not come when he had talked to Abigail the day before. It had been even more real for Adelaide. In those three days she had been missing, Royal had thought Adelaide wouldn’t see her birthday. The thought sent tears stinging into his eyes, and he suddenly realized why this was such a big deal for Adelaide. When she finished the cupcake and wrapped her arms around him, Royal accepted her hug gratefully. It reminded him of the last time he had held her for this long, when he had helped to rescue her from that awful place. “Well, you mean a lot to me.” It was cheesy, but it was the only thing that came close to expressing how he felt. “I’m sorry that I missed the real day. I was…” Busy with Abigail. Royal didn’t want to say that, because then Adelaide would feel like she was the second-class sister. And she wasn’t. Royal loved her just as much as he loved Abigail. “I got caught up with Abby.” Might as well be honest about it, even if the truth wasn’t comfortable. “So I wanted to make it up to you.” All Abigail had gotten was a sandwich, so a cupcake was a step forward.

@adelaide

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Abbie's face slacked when Royal said he missed her birthday because of Abby. She tried not to be disappointed, instantly painting a smile back on her face before Royal could say anything. But she was hurt and, honestly, unsurprised. Royal and Abby had always been close to each other, and when the twins started Hogwarts, Abbie had gravitated toward their brother even more, leaving little third wheel Addie to seek solace in their mother. And since graduating, Addie had seen her sister once, maybe twice. Sure, she spent most of her time in the apothecary, but she felt the distance with both of her siblings. The fact that Royal was trying to make up for it made her want to put for the effort to stay positive.

"Thanks, Royal," she said again. She would probably spend the whole night thanking him. It was a small gesture, but it was monumental for her. And now she was curious about her sister. What could have happened to Abby that would make Royal completely disregard Addie on her birthday. She wanted to find out. Trying to sound as casual as possible, she tilted her head to the side and asked, "So...how is Abby? I haven't really talked to her in awhile."

@royal

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Royal saw the way Addie’s face fell when he mentioned that he had missed her birthday because had had been with Abigail, and instantly felt bad, even if it was the truth. His sister’s face snapped back to smiling before he could apologize for it, and Royal decided to let it go. Adelaide didn’t deserve to feel like she was second-best to Abigail. Royal would have to be better about that. It was difficult, juggling his busy schedule with Adelaide’s, but she was his sister. He needed to try harder, so that if something happened to either of them, there wouldn’t be any regrets.

“It’s really nothing, Addie.” Royal repeated. If she was going to insist on continuing to thank him, he was going to insist on continuing to rebut her efforts. Addie asked about Abby, and Royal didn’t hesitate to answer her, if only because it excused his tardiness, at least a little bit. “She’s not good at all.” He told his sister bluntly. “She had a fight with Theo, and it seemed to have destroyed her, emotionally.” Royal sighed. “She can’t remember most of the last month. All she knows is that she’s been training. When I talked to her, she was dehydrated, and starving, and totally lost.” To Royal, it sounded a lot like Abigail had been killing herself slowly, but he wanted Adelaide to be allowed to draw her own conclusions.

@adelaide

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A look of horror and shame crossed Addie's face as Royal described their sister's situation. She instantly felt horrible for the negative thoughts toward her sister as she pictured her twin training herself to death. She knew the auror program was rough, but something told her that Abby's training went far beyond what was required. The warmth from the cupcake vanished, and brought reality crashing back over Addie's head. Little things like forgotten birthdays and remembered gifts were meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

"We're all falling apart," she said miserably. "When does it all end, Royal?" She felt like she already knew the answer. It was never going to end. The tides were changing again, and something dark, much darker than they had already faced, was coming. It had already taken their father; who would it take next?

@royal

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Royal’s first reaction to Adelaide saying that they were all falling apart was to deny, deny, deny. “We’re not falling apart.” He snapped. He didn’t believe that for one second, but it was easier to pretend, to put up a thin veneer of safety and stability. Royal’s fingers traced the scars on his arms, the ones that everyone seemed to have forgotten he had in the first place. Of course they didn’t care, because they had been hurting, too, and he should respect that, but Royal was still more than a bit bitter that the only two people that had rushed to his bedside were Victoire and Parvati – Parvati didn’t even know him that well! He wasn’t going to bring it up, though, because that would just prove Addie’s point, and Royal wanted so desperately for her to be wrong. “It’s just a couple of bad days, Addie. Just a couple of bad days.” He repeated. “It ends when we let ourselves remember that.” Too often people got caught in the trap of believing that a bad day meant a bad life, and then they were surprised when they self-destructed. “We’ll be happy again soon.” Royal would say that he promised, but he didn’t like to make promises he didn’t know he could keep.

@adelaide

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Addie flinched when Royal snapped at her, but it only reaffirmed how she felt. Whether Royal admitted it or not, he felt it, too. She looked up at him with eyes that were lost. The momentary warmth from the cupcake was gone, replaced by a longing and a need for a simpler, safer time. Her dark gaze traveled to his arms, one covered with tattoos, the other horribly scarred where tattoos should have been. She didn't remember anything from the King's Cross attack; was she even there? Royal had been, she found out later, promoting his book. She hadn't even bothered to visit him in the hospital. She'd been too concerned with her own miserable woes.

She gently traced the scars, not willing to meet her brother's eyes. Royal had always been there for her when she needed it. He had rescued her and now he had brought her a gift she didn't deserve. Where was she?

Addie turned away, looking at the shop. Working at Slug and Jigger's was all she ever wanted. Sure, she would love to open her own apoethcayr one day, but this was enough. It was more than enough. And now, in her precarious state, it seemed like too much. "We'll be happy again soon," she repeated without any conviction. She glanced over her shoulder at Royal. "Not soon enough."

@royal

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Royal felt bad when he saw Addie flinch away from him. He had tried so hard to help her after the kidnapping, and had seen how much it had messed up her head. He hated how quick his temper was, how the need to deny that anything was wrong had made things even worse. He looked down at his hands, swallowing hard. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Addie tracing the tips of her fingers over his scars. He couldn’t feel anything – all of the nerve endings had been destroyed – but he could pretend to feel the tenderness in her touch. He could pretend that he hadn’t just built another wall between them, and that he wasn’t going to have to tear that wall down before he could get to her. This was exhausting, this constant struggle of trying to get his sisters just to let him in, but Royal couldn’t stop.

Addie turned to look at the apothecary, and Royal took the time to compose himself. He couldn’t snap again. “We can try again tomorrow.” Royal said, swallowing. “It’s just a bad day. Not a bad life.” He repeated. Royal paused. “Do you want to get a tattoo, Addie?” He asked. He was going to ask Abby to get a tattoo to match the one on his arm, but it seemed right in that moment to ask his other sister instead. “It doesn’t have to be now.” He added hurriedly. “But…If you wanted to, we could get tattoos together.” Addie could get the one for their dad, and he could get another new one, for his mother or his sisters or something. Maybe that would break down some of the walls.

@adelaide

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Addie turned back to Royal with a raised eyebrow. A tattoo? On her? She had seen and admired the tattoos of others, but she never considered getting one herself. The idea of a tiny needle plunging into her skin over and over...at least, she knew that was how muggles did it. Was it different for wizards? Why was she even entertaining the notion? A silly smile began to spread across her lips, and it had nothing to do with the cupcake sitting in her stomach. She tried to imagine herself with fresh ink, maybe one of those really big ones that the muggles called "sleeves.". She would probably stare at it all the time. Or maybe she could get it on her back so it wouldn't be so distracting. Or maybe...

"I'll think about it," she finally said, though her mind was mostly made up. The thought of getting a tattoo with Royal gave her a secret thrill, a feeling she didn't realize was possible. The daringness felt foreign to her, but she liked it. Surely she could handle the pain. She had endured far worse, after all. It would serve as a memorial to all that she had been through and survived. "But I don't even know what to get," she thought aloud.

The thought of the tattoo brought up another idea, something she had been mulling over for awhile but hadn't really had the courage to summon into words. She wasn't sure Royal would even agree to it, but now that she was on a "stupid ideas" kick, she figured she might as well bring it up. Shuffling her feet and pushing her glasses back up to the bridge of her nose, she looked up at Royal with a grim seriousness. "Royal," she began, still battling herself with whether or not she wanted to make the request. "Royal, can you teach me Occlumency?"

@royal

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Addie said that she’d think about getting the tattoo, and that was more than he had expected of her. Abby was the sort of person who would jump into that situation headfirst, but Addie was a lot more practical when it came to things that were permanent, like tattoos. She understood permanency a lot better than Abby did, Royal thought, especially after being kidnapped. When his younger sister said that she wouldn’t know what to get tattooed, Royal decided to speak up. “I was thinking you could get one like mine.” He said, shoving his arms towards her, as if she hadn’t already seen the tattoo before. “You know. For dad.” Royal added. Again, he didn’t know why he was stating the obvious – both of his sisters, and his mother, had known the significance of the tattoo after he had gotten it. The constellation Lynx didn’t look like much more than a slightly wobbly row of stars, but to Royal, it was a way to keep his father close. He thought that maybe Addie would like a similar reminder. She already had enough freckles that it would be easy to tuck a line of tattoo stars in anywhere and it would hardly look any different. The longer he thought, the more Royal was sure that he needed a new tattoo. Well, not needed, but desperately wanted – he wanted some way to keep his sisters close the same way he kept his father close, even when they were busy changing the world.

The idea about teaching his sister Occlumency threw Royal for a loop, and he took a long time before responding. He knew that Occlumency was useful, in some cases, for people who had undergone trauma, and he couldn’t help but hope that it would help Addie deal with the aftermath of her kidnapping, after which she hadn’t exactly been the same. At the same time, he wasn’t totally sure that he knew how to teach Addie, and he didn’t want to disappoint her. Still, at the end of the day, something was better than nothing at all. “Of course, Addie.” Royal said when he had run through all of his thoughts. “Of course I’ll teach you Occlumency.” He was crazy, Royal thought. Crazy, but also trying to help his sister, so he couldn’t be that bad…right?

@adelaide

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Royal's hesitance was disheartening and Addie's face fell. Stupid. She was stupid for asking such a thing. She looked down at her feet, preparing for the rejection. He would be too busy, or he wouldn't know how or...or...

"Of course, Addie. Of course I'll teach you Occlumency."

Addie quickly looked up, her eyes bright. Her entire face lit up, and she threw herself at Royal, wrapping her slender arms around the middle of his back and squeezing tightly. The thought of throwing herself into something other than her work at the apothecary was exciting. She could be passionate about something again. Her wand spent more time in her pocket than it did in her hand, and it would be nice to put it to some use again. It would be nice to spend some time with her brother again, like they did when they were children. It would be nice to just forget. She bit back the tears. She was not going to cry. She was too happy, even for tears.

"Thank you, Royal," she said softly, her voice muffled against the fabric of his clothes. "Thank you so much." She stepped back, wiping her eyes, where a little bit of moisture had managed to escape. She looked back at the store. She wouldn't stay there all hours of the night, making up chores to do to delay her going home. She would go home, she would sleep in her bed, and there would be no nightmares. She would sleep in peace. She looked back at Royal, a smile on her face. "I'm going to close up. And tomorrow, we go to get those tattoos."

@royal