My Great Escape

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Alright, so if you've looked in the front few pages of this book, it's obvious that I am not good at keeping a journal or writing my thoughts down or anything, but ... I'm going to try again. I'm not saying I'm going to write every day, but I'll try to be consistent enough that it makes sense. Honestly, though, after last night I'm not sure if I'll have any extra time, so I'll have to make it. I'll probably write on nights when I can't sleep, like tonight.

Anyway, back to my life! So last night was Halloween, the night they chose the champions for the Triwizard Tournament. It was so tense in the Great Hall. I was sitting next to Irina and Andy and was just so nervous I could hardly eat. After the feast was over, Headmaster Longbottom announced the champions. Emile Chevalier (or something like that) from Beauxbatons was chosen first and then Elias Greyback from Durmstrang. Then it was me!! Yeah, so that might be why I'm trying to be better at writing in here, not going to lie. It was so exciting and everyone was screaming and I still can hardly believe I was chosen. 

I went to the meeting with the other champions and then made my way to Gryffindor Tower. The second I walked in the party started and it was fun, but after a while I needed a break so I wandered the corridors and ran into Oscar. Oh my, I haven't written about him, have I? (yes, I might have just looked through the rest of this book to make sure ... don't judge me)

Alright, long story short, a while ago (a little more than a month, I think) I met this boy and he and I got into a huge fight. He's from Beauxbatons and his name is Oscar ... I can't remember his last name. I'll get that later. Well, he's here for the tournament and we got into a pretty heated argument about the tournament and our schools and then he left. I was so angry about how rude he was that I never wanted to see him again, but I started running into him everywhere. Especially on the third floor. That's where we fought that first day we met, and I ran into him another day there (yes, literally-so embarrassing! Maybe I'll write about it sometime) and we actually had a nice conversation without any arguments. We actually do a lot together now. He's teaching me about French History, and how to make crepes and I gave him a tour of Hogwarts one weekend. I like spending time with him. 

So back to last night. I was walking and I found him on the third floor. He was sitting on the floor, looking so broken and sad that I sat down beside him and we just talked. He told me that it was the anniversary of his mothers' deaths and that he would help me get ready for the Triwizard Tournament. We talked for the longest time about all sorts of things and it was just peaceful and comfortable and perfect. And he was holding my hand. Yes, I am aware that holding hands should not be a big deal to a seventh year, but I've never been in a relationship, so it meant something to me. We actually fell asleep on the floor in the corridor until it was almost time for curfew. I just, it was perfect. Spending time with him makes me feel happy and peaceful and tonight I realized that I like him. I mean, as more than a friend. I have no idea what he thinks or if he even feels anything for me, but I'm hoping ...

Then I ran into Lucy. Actually, she was waiting for me outside the Gryffindor tower so she could yell at me for being the Hogwarts Champion. Like that's my fault! It's not like I did something to make the Goblet choose me instead of her and I definitely don't think I'm better than her or anyone else that wasn't chosen. It just really hurts that my own twin couldn't be happy for me. She was too busy trying to hurt me and make me doubt myself and I'm sure she'd be happy if she knew it worked. I could hardly sleep last night because her words kept on echoing through my mind. A part of me can't help but wonder if she is right, if I'm a terrible choice for champion. I hope not, but I guess only time will tell. Don't worry, I'm not planning on telling many people about what happened with her (though Irina, Andy and Lily may have happened to get it out of me last night ...) They followed me up to the dormitory once I came back inside. Really, I just have the best friends. I'm so grateful for their support. They noticed something was wrong and helped me calm down a little bit after everything that Lucy said. I didn't tell them about Oscar though ... oops. I'm not sure if I want to yet. I'm worried that if I tell someone how I feel about him, it'll mess everything up. 

Wow. That was a lot more than I thought it was going to be. Still, it feels good to get it out. I should be sleeping but ... Lucy's words are still haunting me. I guess I should still try though. Night.

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Well this has got to be a record. I don't think I've ever written two days in a row before. And this time it's not even because I can't sleep! Actually, I just want to tell someone about something that happened, but I also don't want to bother anyone so I'm just going to write it here. That way, the only people that will know about it are the people who read this journal and they can skip whatever they don't like. 

Now that you're probably thoroughly bored by my thoughts about who will or will not want to read this, I guess I'll tell you what happened. So today I went to meet Oscar and I was late and flustered because ... well, you already know how I feel about him. So I was flustered because of that too. Then, one of the first things he said to me was ask if I would go to the Yule Ball with him! Yes, I know I'm probably reading into this way too much, but he actually asked me out to the Yule Ball. Haha, at first I thought I heard him wrong so I asked him to repeat himself. He did and I said yes (of course)! I wonder if I freaked him out though because I got so excited that I just gave him a huge hug. I mean, he hugged me back and I really liked how it felt to have his arms around me, but I don't know if he likes hugs or not. I hope I didn't make him regret asking me.

Then we got to talking and he told me that lots of people would probably want to take me, because I'm the Hogwarts Champion. I hate that idea. It made me realize how different things are going to be for me this year. I can't just make friends and think they're being sincere with me because for all I know, they just want to be seen with me in the Daily Prophet or something. I don't want to have those kinds of thoughts about the people I'll be meeting, but how am I supposed to tell the difference? I've always been pretty good at making friends and talking with people and I guess I just don't like the idea of people trying to be my friend just because of what I can do for them.

Now to bring it back to Oscar. I really don't want to write this, much less think it, but what if he's one of them? Yes, we started to be friends before the champion was announced and I don't think what happened the other night was planned or anything, but ... why is he asking me to the Yule Ball? I don't think he has the same type of feelings for me that I have for him, so why would he ask me? He said he doesn't want other people using me and I appreciate that, but at the same time I'm scared. It feels like the more time I spend with him, the stronger my feelings get (and I only realized I had feelings for him two nights ago!) and I don't know what to do about it. If anything. I mean, this type of thing has never really worked out for me. When I realize I like someone, they seem to just drop off the earth and I'm nervous he'll do the same thing. And it will break me. 

That doesn't matter. It won't change my feelings at all, these are just some of the thoughts that I can't seem to get rid of. I guess I'll end on a confession, though I guess it's already obvious: I just want him to like me. 

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I can't sleep. Not really. It's like ever since the night I was chosen as Hogwarts Champion, my thoughts can't settle when I try to sleep. I try to think about positive things, but that doesn't help. I've tried emptying my mind and counting sheep, but nothing works. I guess I could try taking a calming or a sleeping draught, but I don't want to. Yes, I'm stubborn like that.

I guess I'm worried that Lucy is right. I know she was angry that I was chosen and she wasn't, but I'm still nervous that I'm going to make a fool out of myself in front of the world, that I won't be able to measure up when it comes down to it. I'm not good at potions, and I'm not really top in any of the other subjects, though I do quite well in all of them. But it would be classic me to mess it up when it really matters. 

Mostly, I try not to think about it. I'm not entirely convinced that Lucy is right, but night time is hard for me. Especially tonight. Today I met with Madam Macmillan and ... well I really don't want to write about it. It's hard enough to just think about what's coming. Let's just say that it's quite possible Lucy is right and that I will make a fool of myself. I'll do all I can to prepare, but I don't know if it will work. 

Hmm. I thought writing all of this down would help, but it isn't. I guess I'll just go back to staring at the fire in the common room. Maybe I'll fall asleep sometime soon. Hopefully.

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He kissed me! I really shouldn't be excited about it because almost right after Oscar started being super weird, so it probably didn't mean anything to him. The problem is that I already knew I had feelings for him and now I don't know how I'm supposed to look past that. Obviously he doesn't care for me, I just ... it was my first kiss. Yes, I'm seventeen. Things just never really worked out between me and the people I liked. Oscar was different, I thought. Maybe not, I guess.

You're probably annoyed, huh? No idea what I'm talking about. Well, tonight Oscar and I got together so he could teach me how to dance so I can feel better about the Yule Ball. I actually did pretty well, I only stepped on him once! Then we were dancing and it was going well and I looked up at him and he kissed me! I really felt like I was flying or something, it was surreal. Then he pulled away and things went weird. He held me farther away from him, almost like he didn't want to teach me anymore and he taught me how to tango. I was very bad at it. I tried to take things back to the way they were before the kiss. I asked him if we could practice waltzing again and things got a little better but not really. By then, it was curfew. I would have stayed out later, but it was weird. There was a sort of distance between us and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. So I guess I have mixed feelings. He kissed me and it couldn't have been better! But then he acted like he didn't want to be dancing with me anymore and I've never felt so unwanted. 

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I promise, this journal isn't going to be all about Oscar, but it's going to seem that way for at least one more entry. The thing is, I haven't really had anything to write about the tournament. Not until the First Task, that is. I'm sure that by then things will get intense, but right now I've done a couple interviews, but nothing big. So Oscar is the big news in my life. The one thing I'm not sure of. Well, I say not sure, but that's not really what I mean. I know how I feel about him, I just don't know how he feels or what he thinks, so I'm unsure of him.

Back to real life, he's been avoiding me! Oscar said- promised, really- that he wouldn't disappear on me and he has. I haven't been able to find him for four days and it really feels like that can't just be an accident. It hurts more than I thought it would. I guess it's just more proof that he didn't mean the kiss. It must have been an accident or something because it feels like we're not even friends anymore.

So today I decided to search for him. I spent the morning scouring the castle, checking the third floor corridor multiple times, but there was no trace. Then I went to lunch and there he was, sitting at the Hufflepuff table like he'd been there all along. I stared at him- don't judge me, I couldn't help it- and he actually started smiling at me. It was almost like we had a connection in the room, even though we weren't close to one another. He stood up and I thought he was coming to talk to me or something, but another student from Beauxbatons hurried up to him and said something and he left without so much as a second glance at me. I spent the rest of my free time looking for him more and I couldn't find him. So now it's been five days. Five days since the last time we talked, since he kissed me. I might send him an owl in the morning, but I ... I don't know what I'd say. I probably won't be able to sleep again tonight, but at least it won't be because I'm thinking of what Lucy said. 

I want Oscar to be more than a friend to me, but I'm scared that I've lost him completely, even as just my friend.