all we’re doing is building walls [jonah]

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They had Apparated back to Jonah's apartment, and Royal didn't know what to do. They were supposed to talk, but Royal didn't know how to put any of what he was feeling into words. It was all irrational, yet totally rational at the same time. Both of his sisters had been enamored with total assholes, and now he was enamored with someone, too, and who was saying that he wasn't a total asshole, too? Of course, Royal was fairly certain that Jo hadn't been involved on the attack on Hogwarts and he wasn't the son of a psychopath, but still! Royal was frustrated, and upset, and a little scared, too. How was he going to keep himself from chasing Jonah out of his life when everything inside of him was screaming that it was the best thing to do? Royal stepped away from Jo, folding his arms across his chest and waiting for his boyfriend to say something.

@jill3

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@royal
<3

Jonah and Royal immediately apparated back to his apartment, and Jonah became more nervous. He opened up the door and turned on all the lights, glancing around quickly. Thankfully it wasn't too messy, and his dishes were done. So that was good, nothing to hide or try to clean quickly. Jonah smiled at Royal, his cheeks turning a light pink. Royal had his arms crossed, and Jonah leaned up against a door frame, watching him. "Are you hungry? Or... thirsty?" He was being hospitable before turning into the large elephant in the room.

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Jonah’s questions were simple enough. They should have been easy to answer. But apparently the trend of overthinking things was continuing even now that they were away from Hogwarts and Royal was no longer trying to do his job or anything of the sort. He didn’t want to take advantage of Jonah’s hospitality, especially if this ended badly (aka, if he messed this up), but he was thirsty, and a little hungry too… “Do you have any water?” Royal asked after a pause that was much too long for the simplicity of the question. He needed to be better. “I think that I’m losing my mind, Jo.” Royal said softly, unsure if his boyfriend could even hear him. “Everything was fine until it wasn’t, and I think I’m losing my mind.”

@jill3

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@royal
<3

He stood for awhile, awaiting Royal's response to food or water. He didn't have to have anything, but it was just the respectful thing to do, everyone knew that it was common sense. When someone entered your home, you made sure they felt comfortable. Royal finally answered, asking for water and Jonah nodded his head curtly. He turned around and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and putting ice in it, then filling it up with water. Suddenly he became very nervous, knowing that once he went back into the living room, Royal would want to talk about whatever was bothering him. And that he did. Jonah handed him the water and his facial expression turned into concern. Losing his mind? "What isn't fine anymore, Royal?"

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Royal accepted the water that Jonah offered him silently, taking a sip. It was cold, which was good, because it gave Royal a tether. If he got overwhelmed, he could just focus on the cold. Jonah asked him what wasn’t fine anymore, and Royal struggled to find a place to start. “I don’t think anyone but Victoire likes me at the office.” He began. That was easy – he could accept not being liked. He didn’t like it, but he could accept it. “And then my family… Merlin, we’re messed up.” Addie, with PTSD from the kidnapping, and Abby, who probably had something similar from the emotional trauma of finding out Theo was on the wrong side. His mother, who played at being fine, but was still crushed by his father’s death. And Royal, who was keeping his head above water even though the world wanted to drown him. “I just want them to be safe.” He didn’t even need them to be happy. But Nikolaj Lestrange wasn’t safe. Theodorus Nott wasn’t safe. Royal wished neither of them had walked into his sisters’ lives, that they could just be safe.

@jill3

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@royal
<3

Jonah sat down next to Royal. He wanted to just hold him as he spoke, but he didn't want to go too overboard. He didn't want Royal to think he was pushing anything or trying too hard, but he did want to comfort him. So choosing the easiest option, Jonah just rested a hand on his boyfriend's knee and looked up to him longingly. "I'm sure people like you, Roy. They might not say it, but I'm sure they do." Jo hadn't known Royal was having this many problems; he wished that he would just trust him to speak to him about these things, in letters, or even meeting up with him more. "Why do you think they aren't safe? Has something happened?"

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Jonah sat next to Royal, laying a hand on Royal’s knee, and Royal sighed a little, resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I get confused about people liking me but not saying it.” He murmured. “I think it goes back to when I was in school, and I expected everyone to hate me because I was in Slytherin.” And a few people almost certainly had. Royal was lucky that his father was the Minister of Magic, since people couldn’t accuse him of being a blood purist without making a few dangerous assumptions about their leader, but Royal had seen more than one good person be teased just because of their house. It had messed up Royal’s sense of who liked and disliked him, though he hadn’t realized that until this moment. Turning his head to bury his nose in Jonah’s neck, Royal let out another soft sigh. “Nikolaj Lestrange. My sister wants to be friends with Nikolaj Lestrange.” Both of the Lestrange girls seemed to have changed their tune, had been adopted by Neville Longbottom, even, but Nikolaj was still dangerous, and Royal didn’t like that Addie wanted to be his friend.

@jill3

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@royal
<3

Jonah gave a gentle smile at the feeling of Royal resting his head on his shoulder. This was all finally starting to feel more and more normal, back to the way it all was before. Where Jonah felt comfortable acting this way around Royal, and not having to tip toe around him to see if he'd get upset or not. Letting out a sigh, Jo rested his head on top of his boyfriends. "I'm not sure if this will help, but...why do you care so much if people like you? What's it matter? As long as you have family and friends around that love you, like your mum, your sisters, me, other people shouldn't matter, right?" Jo had learned that very early on in life, but he knew some things were easier for him than they were for Royal.

Then Royal turned his head and buried his nose into Jonah's neck, and he felt a shiver run down his back at the feeling of Roy's breath. Jonah's hand moved up Royal's knee to his thigh then to his hand and he grasped it tightly, smiling. At the name of the Lestrange boy, Jo had to think for a moment. "Is he...is he really that bad? Aren't his sisters nice?" Jonah wasn't too in tune with those three, so he was trying.

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Jonah rested his head on top of Royal’s, and Royal was half-tempted just to drop the glass of ice water he was still clutching. He didn’t need the cold to tether him to the world when he was surrounded by so much warmth. “I don’t know.” He responded with a sigh when Jonah asked why it was so important that he be liked. After pondering a moment more, Royal gave another answer. “When my father died, it somehow got into my head that love was fleeting. I pushed people away. I didn’t speak to any of my best friends for nearly sixth months after he died. I don’t know whether or not Jacob told you that, but if we hadn’t accidentally happened upon each other, I’m not sure I would have ever spoken to them again. And I know most of that was me, trying to keep my distance emotionally, but it makes me wonder, if love does last.” Royal took a sip of water to wet his mouth before continuing on. “But then I see people like my parents, who were in love for over twenty years, and I begin to think that it might just be me.” Because, even after his father’s death, his mother seemed to love him deeply. Royal hoped that he had love like that somewhere in him, but he wondered.

“I don’t know.” Royal repeated when asked if the Lestrange man was all that bad. “But from what I’ve heard, the answer is yes.” Royal sighed. “I wish I could just stay out of everything, but Addie has been through so much, and it feels wrong to stand by and let her put herself through more hell.” And at the end of the day, Royal just couldn't do it.

@jill3

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@royal
<3

Jonah just listened to his boyfriend speak. He felt like Royal just needed to get all of this out. Especially since what Royal was explaining, he had been doing to Jonah too. Pushing him away, being afraid of love and trying to keep those who cared about him at a safe distance. It hurt Jonah to think that Royal wanted to push him away and didn't want to vent to him or feel comfortable speaking to him about things, but Jonah also didn't think Royal really knew what he was doing. "I think love does last. Maybe not all love, but when the right person comes along, you'll feel it. And you'll know. And like your parents, and my parents, they just...they just love." Jonah moved his head slightly and kissed Royal's forehead. "If you're hinting that there is something wrong with you, Roy, there isn't. Nothing at all."

"Well, maybe there will come a time where she will realize what exactly she is doing. Maybe she has to learn on her own what mistakes she is making and learn from them. I know you love her, but you won't always be there to protect her." Jonah had never met Nikolaj, but he was only a year above Jonah at Hogwarts so he knew who the boy was.

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Jonah thought that love did last, and Royal thought that was…heartening. Jonah saw the good in an awful lot of bad things, but the good that he saw was normally closer to the truth than the bad that Royal tended to see. “Part of it is…being bi, I guess.” Royal said with a shrug. “I’ve seen all these people whose love has lasted forever, but they’ve always been a man and a woman. And a part of me wonders if it’s possible for two men, or two women, to have the same thing.” Royal swallowed, and took a deep breath. “Because I – I want that with you. A forever, I mean, a happy ever after, a til death do we part kind of love.” Realizing that he had just come on rather strong out of nowhere, Royal backpedaled. “When you’re ready for that, I mean. After you’ve finished Auror training and we have more time.” That was what everyone was always asking for, wasn’t it? More time. More time with the people they loved, more specifically. Because no matter how long they had, it just wasn’t long enough.

“I can only hope so.” Royal said when Jonah said that Addie might come to her senses. “I just – I kind of hoped that she would learn from seeing what happened with Abby.” Because Addie had hated Theo, Royal had assumed she wouldn’t fall for someone like Nikolaj.

@jill3

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@royal
<3

Jonah tilted his head back and forth, thinking. He supposed that was true. There were times when he was a bit younger that Jonah wondered if two men or two women could last in a relationship such as his parents, but Jonah never doubted himself. He knew that if he was ever lucky enough to find someone, especially someone such as Royal, he'd be in it for a life time. And then Royal spoke again, and Jonah felt his heart swell three times it's size, and a large smile graced his face. It seemed to have shocked Royal himself, but Jonah shook his head, holding a hand up, and then using that same hand to touch his cheek, caressing it with his thumb, his other hand still on his thigh. "Royal, I've wanted you since I was still in school. I think if anything, I've been ready for a long time now." He leaned forward, gently kissing Royal's lips and then pulled back, a gentler smile. "I want forever with you, too."

"Maybe she has to learn herself, physically and not just seeing it occur with someone else." He supposed that could relate to them, and if forever could last for them; but Jonah was sure it could. Jo felt so much for Royal, but he wasn't going to push him further than he could go. That would ruin it all, and Jonah just wanted pure love and happiness.

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The list of things that Royal didn’t understand was generally populated with bad feelings – he didn’t understand why his father had to die, didn’t understand why his sisters fell in love with bad people, didn’t understand why for a lot of things. But something new was added to the things he didn’t understand, and it wasn’t a why. It was a how. He didn’t understand how he could love someone was much as he loved Jonah, didn’t understand how someone like Jonah could love him back just as much. But he didn’t want to worry about what he didn’t understand. “Forever it is, then.” Royal agreed. “Was that – like, a marriage proposal?” Royal asked, stunned by himself and by Jonah. “Or just an agreement that there will be one in the future?” Because if it had been construed as a proposal, then Royal felt bad for not having a ring. Jonah deserved a ring.

Royal nodded when Jonah said that maybe Addie just needed a physical learning experience. That was another thing he didn’t understand, but he was going to try to focus on the happier list items. Royal lifted himself up from Jonah’s shoulder, setting down the half-full glass so that both of his hands were free. Turning back to Jonah, Royal cupped his boyfriend’s face in his hand. “Sorry my hand’s cold. He whispered, not sure what else he could say when he was feeling so damn much.

@jill3

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@royal
<3

Jonah smiled gently at Royal and tilted his head to get a better look at him. He was incredibly gorgeous, and Jonah couldn't believe that he was here right now, in this moment. Sitting with the boy of his dreams, in his own apartment, wrapped up in one another. This boy that he had been oggling at since his teenage years at Hogwarts. The one person Jonah had always kept his eyes on. And those eyes then widened, his eyebrows going up. Marriage proposal? "Well, it wasn't a proposal no...but I'll definitely promise that there will be one in the future."

Royal then just nodded, and moved slightly to hold Jonah's face. His hands were a bit cold, but Jonah didn't mind. He didn't want Royal to feel cold. With a small movement of his finger, he set the fireplace on in front of them. "I'm sorry you're cold." He whispered, "Would you like a blanket?" Jonah didn't want Royal to go, he wanted him to stay at his apartment. To be with him. They'd never spent a night together before, and Jonah would never push a thing like that, it was completely up to Royal but he wanted him to feel comfortable.

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Royal nodded a little when Jonah said it wasn’t a proposal, but that there would be one in the future. “What if I beat you to it?” Royal asked. He had always imagined himself to be the one proposing in any relationship, so as much as he loved Jonah, Royal was going to try to dissuade him from proposing so Royal could enact his own plans.

“No, I’ll be fine.” Royal said when Jonah asked if he wanted a blanket. “Though I probably shouldn’t drink any more of that water.” He added with a small, rumbling laugh. “You’ll keep me warm, won’t you, Jo?” Royal asked, scooting so he was closer to his boyfriend and batting his eyelashes at Jonah. “You don’t mind if I use your neck to warm up my hands, do you?” Royal asked. Before Jonah could answer – even if the answer was going to be the affirmative anyways – Royal pressed the backs of his hands into either side of Jonah’s neck, shivering little as the warmth ran down his fingers and into his hands and arms and the rest of his body. This had been an unexpectedly good idea, with the bonus of being teasing as well.

@jill3