this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out

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Oscar and Anna were going to practice Patronuses. Oscar wasn't sure how to feel about it, but everyone said that it was an important spell to know, and Oscar had never even tried the spell before, let alone perfected it. Nominally, they were practicing together, but in reality, Oscar thought that the time they spent together was going to be Anna teaching him how to do the spell. Being Anna, she probably wouldn't mind that she was going to have to teach him, but Oscar still felt bad that he was going to be taking away from her practice time. She needed the practice more than he did, really, in case dementors came up in the Triwizard Tournament, Oscar was in the Room of Requirement (since the third floor corridor wasn't a good place to go practicing spells), waiting for Anna to appear, and bouncing his wand carelessly against his thigh. He hoped that she would come soon.

@annelise

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Anna was rushing through the congested hallway, annoyed. Why was it that every time she had plans to meet with Oscar, she ended up being late? Anna was not normally the type to be irritated, but she hated making him wait for her and she was absolutely positive that he was waiting for her now. Once she finally got to a place where there weren't as many people Anna started to run. She and Oscar were meeting in the Room of Requirement to practice Patronus charms and she was really excited.

Finally she arrived. The room was there, like she expected. Oscar was undoubtedly inside. She thought about waiting outside for a moment so she could catch her breath before deciding against it. But doing that would only make her more late. Anna opened the door and rushed in, closing it behind her. "So sorry I'm late," she told Oscar as she tried to catch her breath. It took longer than she expected, to her chagrin. 

@oscar

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Oscar didn’t know how long he had been waiting when Anna burst through the door, obviously out of breath. She apologized for being late, and Oscar just smiled, shaking his head slightly. “It sounds like you made an effort to be here on time.” He teased, referring to the fact that she was still panting from exertion. Oscar would have forgiven Anna even if she had waltzed in like she had all the time in the world. “We can wait if you need to catch your breath.” Oscar added. He didn’t want Anna passing out (or something equally awful) because she wouldn’t take a breather before jumping into their practice session. Oscar was going to say something else – ask Anna how her day was, maybe – but it seemed silly to tell her to catch her breath and then ask several questions that would inhibit that progress. Instead, Oscar went back to fidgeting nervously with his wand, tapping it and twisting it and otherwise keeping his nervous hands busy.

@annelise

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Anna rolled her eyes when he teased her about being late, but she waited a minute before she explained. Interestingly enough, he noticed that she needed a minute, so he said he'd wait for her. Finally, she was ready to talk to him without needing to gasp for air. "I'm not normally late, even though I really haven't given you any reason to believe me when I say that. It's not my fault people wouldn't let me walk past them today." She looked at him, now that she didn't need to pay as much attention to her breathing. To her surprise, Oscar seemed ... was he nervous? Or anxious about something? "Is everything alright? You seem nervous or something," Anna trailed off while she waited. 

@oscar

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Oscar smiled when Anna said that she was not normally late. “It is fine.” He knew she wouldn’t do something like that on purpose, least of all to him. As for people not allowing her past – well, Oscar could understand people being less than kind. “I do not know if I will be any good at this spell.” Oscar admitted when Anna noted his nerves. “But I will try.” He would try, if only to please Anna. Oscar paused. “They say you need a happy memory. How do I know if it is happy enough?” He had plenty of happy memories, most of them with Anna, but all of them felt sad, too. Even when he was with Anna, Oscar couldn’t fully shake the fact that his mothers were dead, his father was dead, his best friend was dead. Oscar was terrified that the spell wouldn’t work for him, because he wasn’t happy enough. Maybe Anna would have something insightful to say about that, a way around the sadness that underpinned even his happiest moments.

@annelise

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Anna could tell that he was telling the truth, that Oscar was nervous he wouldn't be able to do the spell right, but a Patronus was one of the harder spells to do so if he did struggle with it that was normal. She didn't know anyone that got it right the first try. "Is this the first time you've tried it?" she asked curiously. Anna looked around the room as she tried to think of an explanation for the happy memory. For her, she just had to think of the best part of the happiest memory she had. At the moment, her mind was reeling through moments spent with him as she tried to decide what moment was her happiest. Before this, it had been time spent with her friends and cousins. "Well you won't really know until you try the spell," she told him hesitantly, knowing that was probably no help. She looked into his eyes as she tried to come up with a way to describe how it felt. "I just try to choose a happy moment and then I focus on the happy feeling I had in that moment. I try to imagine how I would describe it to someone and I focus on the warmth of it. Then the spell just kind of works." She shrugged a little, smiling a little, "Granted, I've only ever produced a mist, so I'm definitely not the best at producing a Patronus. Does that help at all?"

@oscar

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Oscar nodded when Anna asked if this was the first time he had tried the Patronus spell. “I have not had a reason to do it before now.” He wasn’t taking Defense Against the Dark Arts, and the spell was taught in that class, so he just never learned it. If he didn’t practice with Anna, Oscar would probably be content never knowing how to cast a Patronus. He didn’t see a situation in which he would run into dementors in the near future, but maybe it was better to be prepared. Anna said that there was no way for him to know if his memory was happy enough without actually trying the spell, and Oscar frowned. He was going to have to fail several times, then, trying to find a memory that was happy enough. He was sure he wasn’t going to get it right on the first time.

“Can you go first?” Oscar asked when Anna was done with her explanation. “I need a while to pick a memory.” The first one that came to mind was the time they had played in the leaves together, but Oscar wasn’t sure if that was far enough removed from Caden’s death to work properly. If Anna attempted the spell first, he might have some time to think.

@annelise

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Now that he said so, Anna wasn't particularly surprised that Oscar hadn't tried the Patronus spell before. From what she knew of him, he didn't like dueling, which meant that he probably wasn't taking a Defense course, which was where this spell was taught. She smiled, "That's normal. There are really only a few things you can use them for. The more common thing is to use it to repel Dementors, but the one that not everyone knows is that you can use them to carry messages to people. Other than that, there isn't too much of a use for them." Hopefully he didn't know all of that or he might be annoyed at her for treating him like a child. That's not what she was going for, she just wanted him to know it could be used for more than just Dementor attacks. 

She nodded instantly when he asked if she could go first. "Of course," she told him easily. Anna closed her eyes, trying to choose which memory to use. She smiled at the thought of the day when she told Oscar that she loved him. If that wasn't a happy memory, she didn't know what was. She opened her eyes, "Expecto Patronum," she said, focusing on how she felt when Oscar said that he loved her back. It took a few seconds, but Anna smiled when a white, shapeless mist came out of the end of her want. So that wasn't exactly what she was going for, but that was why they were here, after all. To practice their Partonus'. Hopefully by the end of this she would be able to create a real one. She turned to Oscar. "Apparently that wasn't happy enough, or I wasn't concentrating enough," she told him with a smile. "Are you ready to try now?" Anna asked lightly. If not, she would try again, but she didn't want to stay focused on herself if he was ready.

@oscar

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Oscar was relieved that Anna said not knowing the Patronus spell was normal. He didn’t want her to think that he was unintelligent, even if that was the truth. Anna seemed to have caught on to the fact that he wasn’t particularly fond of his studies, but it was different not to want to study and not to know a spell that was supposed to be common knowledge. But Oscar had been right when he had thought that there wasn’t much of a use for Patronuses beyond repelling dementors. The sending messages thing was interesting, though. “Do you know how to send a message?” He asked curiously. Maybe it was a higher-level thing, taught only to the people who were the best at Defense Against the Dark Arts. Then again, hadn’t Anna said she hadn’t made a Patronus before? If you needed one to send a message, it probably would have been hard to know how to send a message without a Patronus.

Anna agreed to go first, and Oscar smiled a little at her, closing his eyes while she focused on whatever memory would give her a Patronus. The only thing that Oscar could think of that would be considered happy enough would be the day that Anna said that she loved him, and Oscar began to focus on that, only opening his eyes when Anna said the Patronus Charm. Oscar was fully expecting a fully-formed Patronus to spring from the wand, but it didn’t. Oscar’s heart fell. If Anna couldn’t get it right, then he definitely didn’t have a chance. “Can you go again?” Oscar asked nervously. Until he had proof that Anna could do it, Oscar wasn’t sure that he would ever be confident enough to try to make a Patronus of his own.

@annelise

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Anna shook her head when Oscar asked if she knew how to send a message with a Patronus. She knew it was possible because she'd witnessed it her whole life, her aunts and uncles sending Patronus' to one another when they had important messages. She'd even heard the messages given. "I don't know. I don't think it's another spell. I think you just sort of ... tell them what you want them to convey? And who they should deliver it to? I'm not sure ..." she trailed off for a moment as she tried to remember something that would help, tried to remember someone sending a message via Patronus in front of her. 

Anna nodded, "Of course," she said when Oscar asked her to try again. He looked so nervous and she hoped he wasn't embarrassed to try this in front of her. Still, if he decided he didn't want to try, she would not force him to. She closed her eyes and focused on the joy she felt when she and Oscar jumped into leaf piles together and had so much fun with one another. She found her mind focusing on him and she lifted her wand, "Expecto Patronum," she looked forward to see mist again, but this time it felt like something was swirling in the mist, like she was so close to creating her full patronus. Without turning to talk to Oscar again, Anna closed her eyes once more, this time just thinking of him. She thought about how he was always there for her, how it felt when he touched her or kissed her and how strong her feelings were for him, "Expecto Patronum," she repeated once more. She opened her eyes, grinning when she saw a silver wolf in front of her, looking around curiously. Anna gasped and turned to face Oscar. "I did it, Oscar! I can't believe I did it!" She told him, not even caring that her wolf disappeared when she focused on him instead. Anna could hardly contain her excitement.

@oscar

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Anna didn’t know the specifics of how to send a message with a Patronus, which Oscar didn’t mind much. He doubted his ability to make a Patronus in the first place, and adding another layer onto that just didn’t seem like a good idea. Besides, the only person he would ever need to send a message to was in the room with him, and it seemed a little silly to learn the spell when he could just as easily send Anna an owl or go and find her when he needed to tell her something.

Anna agreed to try the Patronus spell again before Oscar attempted it, and he nodded, focusing on her when she did. He looked at the wrinkles in her forehead as she concentrated, the way her red hair tumbled over her shoulders in waves, the way her eyelids flickered over her closed eyes, and the way she stood, so determined. He focused on how much he loved her, and hoped that whatever he was feeling was close enough to joy to make the spell work. Oscar’s concentration was broken when Anna let out a gasp. He snapped back into focus, and saw that there was a wolf in front of Anna. It disappeared within a few moments, but it had been there, a fully former Patronus. Oscar’s promise to himself came bubbling back, and he took a deep breath. “My turn.” He said, giving Anna a weak smile. He returned his thoughts to her, everything about her, how she was still alive, how she was still with him. Oscar raised his wand, licked his lips, and then said, slowly and clearly, “Expecto Patronum.”

Nothing.

@annelise

[Deleted]

When Anna turned to Oscar, telling him that she'd done it, she hadn't expected his first response to be a deep breath and a statement that it was his turn. He was clearly nervous and Anna wished there was something she could do to help him not be nervous. She smiled back at him, hoping that would help but not exactly sure what else she could do. He seemed incredibly focused as he lifted his wand and said the incantation. And nothing happened.

Anna didn't know what to do, or what to say. Obviously he'd been nervous about the spell in the first place and she didn't want him to feel bad that he hadn't gotten it on the first try. "Do you want to try again?" She asked after a moment, taking a few steps closer to him, but not quite reaching him. "You don't have to if you don't want to, you know." Anna didn't want him to feel pressured to do this because she was there, because she'd actually done it. The last thing she wanted was to make Oscar feel bad, though it was probably too late for that.

@oscar

[Deleted]

Cold was spreading through Oscar, starting with the tips of his fingers on the hand that was holding his wand. It had been nothing, not even a wisp or a spark. The cold was already up to his elbow by the time Anna asked him if he wanted to try again, and Oscar shook his head numbly. The best memory that he had wasn’t even enough to produce a wisp of a Patronus. That didn’t seem like a good thing. The cold crawled to his shoulder, wrapping itself tightly around Ozzy’s neck, then his chest. Anna said that he didn’t have to try again if he didn’t want to, and Oscar shook his head again. Before he knew what he was doing, he was running, out of the Room of Requirement, out of the corridor, out of the castle. His lungs were burning with the creeping cold, and he didn’t know what to do. There was so much of him that he hadn’t shown Anna, so much he didn’t want to show her. She didn’t deserve the cold parts of him, or the dark parts of him. That, Oscar tried to tell himself, was the reason he had run away. (That was a lie. Oscar, like everyone else, was just afraid.)

@annelise
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