You Learn to Live Without (Padma)

[parvati patil macmillan]

Being stood up by Marcus Flint the night before no longer felt like the worst thing that could have happened to her. Had she not been sitting to begin with, Parvati would have fainted, though reading that four-letter word in the Daily Prophet over and over again had kept her from thinking about anything else that might have been going on around her. Something had compelled her not to go to the High Table for breakfast, so the most that could have been happening was that her cat was brushing past her desk.

It had been mere hours since she should have seen him again. Marcus hadn't been a perfect man, but she had known that when she had gotten involved with him. His flaws had been rectified by his charm and understanding, and Parvati had begun to think that maybe she had found someone who could repair the pieces of her broken heart. When she had discussed finding love again with her twin sister, it had seemed so impossible, yet in had walked a man who had given her a feeling of value.

The Ministry had lost one of the members of the Wizengamot, and Parvati knew that things must have been hectic for her sister because of it, too. Still, Padma was the only person who she knew would not be judgmental of her, at least not to her face. Before, she might have been able to play off her friendliness with Marcus at the Yule Ball as being due to having had too much to drink, but acting as though it had all been a drunken mistake felt wrong.

She needed her sister by her side to process the newsprint below her bowed head, the words of which had begun to blur into one another. Marcus Brutus Flint. Dead. Survived by… Parvati's mind was too preoccupied to focus on a happy enough memory to conjure her corporeal Patronus. After speaking the incantation through tears, a vaporous glow of light came in small wisps from her wand. It wasn't the mongoose that should have been expected, but it was the quickest way of reaching Padma, who—being that it was New Year's Day—would be at home instead of in the office.

“Padma,” she begged between sobs, hoping that the Patronus was strong enough to carry her message along with it. “Please come…” she hiccuped. “Marcus…” Her Floo Network was open, though she had failed to mention it. It had been since the previous evening.

@padma

[Deleted]

The Daily Prophet had come in, but Padma was making her breakfast and hadn't looked at the headlines yet. She was just sitting down to read and eat when the blur of silver mist arrived. It was faint, but it was carrying her sister's voice, sobbing her name.

One word, and she was up, the rest of the message unnecessary and lost in the sounds of movement. She slid on a jacket, and reached for the Floo Powder. "Hogwarts Counsellor's Office," she said, calm and clear, and then stepped into the emerald flames.

She was on her feet moments later in her sister's office, and over to the couch where her sister sat, sobbing. She sat beside Parvati and pulled her sister towards her. "I'm here, shhh, I'm here. " A glance at the paper in her sister's hands was enough to tell her what she needed to know, but what happened was far less important at this point than the fact that she was here, and she was not going anywhere.

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

Parvati saw as Padma stepped through her fireplace, but it didn't fully register with her until she felt her sister's arms around her. She relaxed as much as she could, still crying. Padma told her that she was there and tried to calm her, though it felt to Parvati as though her life was only getting worse. She didn't want it to become a trend that, each time she got some happiness in her life, it was taken away from her.

It took her longer than she would have liked to explain things to her sister, but Parvati didn't want to believe that what she was saying about Marcus would always remain in the past tense. “I… was supposed to see him again,” she said, a hoarseness in her voice. “Last night.” He should have been with her, yet she couldn't have prevented what had happened.

She shifted slightly, and the newspaper fell from her lap. “I… thought he'd stood me up…” she said weakly, trying to keep herself from sobbing again.

@padma

[Deleted]

Padma'd seen Parvati and Marcus at the Yule Ball, and that was barely a week ago. And then she hadn't seen them, and that meant almost as the first. And now he was dead and Parvati was devestated. Merlin and Circe, was it too much to ask for that her sister be happy?

It took Parvati a while to get out the words to tell her that she'd been supposed to see Marcus the night before, that the last thing she thought was that he'd stood her up. "But he didn't. And you couldn't have known." She paused and tried to think of what to say that wasn't meaningless platitudes. She was good at those, but her sister deserved better.

The pause grew long before she finally said, "Pansy was a foul and cruel excuse for a witch even back in school, but she was a coward. You couldn't have expected this. No one could have." Because if Parvati thought that this was her fault, Padma would go to Azkaban and wring that woman's neck herself for causing her sister so much pain.

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

“But he didn't.” Marcus hadn't stood her up, and they could assume that he hadn't intended to cause Parvati the pain that she was feeling. “And you couldn't have known.” That he was dead. Gone.

“I know, Padma…” Parvati spoke. Part of her knew, deep down, that her sister was entirely right, but it was that much harder to admit that she was powerless to do anything to fix what had already occurred. ”A Time-Turner… Something…” she considered sadly, as if wishing that she had an answer would provide one for her. There was always some off chance that something would materialize to fix everything, but Parvati hadn't forgotten that Time-Turners, themselves, had been left in the past.

She still didn't know what she had done to deserve her twin sister and her level-headedness. And, when her sister was left silent, Parvati tried not to make a sound, either. Still, though, she was forced to interrupt that silence with occasional sniffs and sighs. Her head was beginning to ache, too, she realized, from the crying she had done.

“Pansy was a foul and cruel excuse for a witch even back in school, but she was a coward. You couldn't have expected this. No one could have.”

Parvati swallowed heavily. “It's not fair,” she told Padma, overwhelmed by sobs again. Why Marcus? Why now? Why couldn't she ever happy in a relationship with someone without having the rug pulled out from under her? It was miserable, Parvati thought, as she choked on her own tears. She was a grown woman who felt that she should have been past this and who would have been mortified if she were in the company of anyone else, yet she only wanted her twin's arms around her long enough to allow her to forget about everything.

@padma

[Deleted]

"Time-Turners don't do what you're asking for and you know it." Brisk words, maybe, but as matter-of-fact as her answer was, she said it with kindness and love. Her sister was grasping at straws.

And Helga help her, but Padma had never liked Marcus Flint. He did not deserve the tears her sister had shed for him. He did not deserve the sniffles and the sighs. He did not deserve the tears that would come later. He did not deserve her sister, her brilliant, compassionate twin, and Padma swallowed her pride and distaste and ran her fingers through her sister's hair.

"It's not," she agreed, as she held her sobbing sister close. "It's not fair, but you will make it through, because you are one of the strongest people I know. And I will be here as long as you need me."

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

Parvati tried to listen to reason and everything that Padma was saying. She knew that wanting a Time-Turner was useless. There was no use in wanting to resurrect the dead; she would never be able to do it. There were too many risks with changing even small details, much less with trying to save someone's life.

Her sister continued to console her. “It's not,” she said in agreement, “It's not fair, but you will make it through, because you are one of the strongest people I know. And I will be here as long as you need me.”

She knew that she couldn't keep Padma from her work for the rest of the week because of her, but Parvati was grateful that her sister was always so willing to drop everything to be by her side.

“Why is it always me?” she wondered, her voice strained. It was getting old, crying over men at her age, but it was beginning to feel as though she would never be allowed to be happy with a man before something had to come along and change that. With both Ernie and Marcus, the common denominator had been Pansy; Ernie had cheated on her with Pansy, and Pansy had killed Marcus.

“First my sh**ty ex-husband, and now this…” Parvati lamented. She hadn't spoken to Pansy in years; if the woman had had some sort of vendetta against her, it was news to her. The two things could have been tied, or it could have been coincidental; Parvati didn't know. With Pansy in Azkaban, though, there wasn't any risk, whatever the case.

Looking at Padma, she frowned. “What am I doing wrong?” Her twin had a successful marriage and a high-ranking position at the Ministry. She had her life completely together, Parvati thought, yet hers was only continuing to fall apart.

@padma

[Deleted]

It was hard to listen to her sister lamenting. Mourning. It was hard, but Padma listened anyway, because she knew Parvati needed it. She didn't say anything, just kept close, at least until Parvati asked what she was doing wrong. And that question just wasn't fair.

"I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You have the worst luck out of all of our friends, perhaps. Or maybe you wear your heart on your sleeve and love too much, too easily." Padma had always been the closed-off twin, the planner and the thinker. Parvati was the one with loads of friends, crushes on cute boys, warm and kind. That wasn't something wrong, that was just who she was. "But if you stopped doing that, you'd stop being the sister I love so much."

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

Despite Parvati's concerns, her sister told her that—surprisingly—she didn't think that she had done anything wrong. There must have been a mistake somewhere in there, Parvati thought, and she knew it as soon as Padma said that she just had the worst luck out of all of their friends. Umbrellas, mirrors, black cats… Something must have happened. If Padma was trying to make her feel better about herself, it wasn't working.

“Or maybe you wear your heart on your sleeve and love too much, too easily,” she said. She should have thought things through, like Padma always did. She should have listened to that voice in her head that might as well have been her twin sister's, the one that had been unsure about it at the start. “But if you stopped doing that,” Padma added, “you'd stop being the sister I love so much.”

Parvati was able to crack a small smile. “I love you, too,” she told her sister, trying to wipe her eyes again. She knew that Padma hadn't liked Marcus, so that she had come meant everything. “I just wasn't expecting to wake up to that…”

She swallowed. “How many people saw us together at the Yule Ball?” There was no reason why she should have been upset over Marcus. “I-I can't do this, Padma…” she breathed. “What am I supposed to tell Neville? My sons?” It felt as though she wouldn't be able to face the world ever again.

@padma

[Deleted]

Parvati smiled a bit at Padma's comment about being the sister she loved so much. Good. A knot in Padma's heart - the fear that Parvati wouldn't be okay - untied. It might not be easy, but that smile was enough for Padma to know. Now she simply needed Parvati to believe it too.

"I don't think it's possible to expect that," Padma said. She had known the Flint family was fracturing, true, but the upper echelons of the Ministry and the Wizengamot would surely be scrambling. And there was nothing, ever, that could prepare anyone for losing someone they cared about.

Padma said nothing to Parvati's question of how many people had seen them together. The answer was lots, and she was sure she knew it, and certainly it was all of the important people to them. That wasn't the important part.

"But you can do this, Parvati." She needed encouragement, but Padma was more than willing to provide it. She smiled, just a twitch of her lips and a lift in her voice. "Come on, let's get you some tea, maybe some food if you're up to it, and we'll figure out what you need to say." She wasn't going to let her sister mope all day - and when it came to it, she didn't think Parvati wanted to. "You don't have to do it all alone. That's the most important thing."

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

“But you can do this, Parvati.”

Because Padma had said it, Parvati was inclined to believe that it was true. Maybe she could handle it, even if her sister's lack of response about how many people had seen her and Marcus together wasn't promising.

“Come on, let's get you some tea, maybe some food if you're up to it, and we'll figure out what you need to say.”

Parvati didn't think that she could stomach anything, but she was willing to try if it would make Padma feel better. She sat up straighter, not resisting the suggestion, and summoned a handkerchief with which she attempted to make herself look more presentable, not that it really mattered. “I've got tea bags here,” she informed her sister, afraid that Padma would leave her to go in search of some. Tea sounded better than food, since it didn't require the energy of going to the kitchens and coming all the way back.

More than her sister's making sure that she would have tea, if nothing else, Parvati was grateful for her sister's brain and her willingness to help her figure out how she was supposed to say what she had to say. She couldn't deny that she had had relations with Marcus, but she didn't want the questions that would come with it. She knew what his reputation had been, but she knew that he hadn't really been that way. The thought of not being believed—and the mere thought of discussing something so intimate with her teenage sons—was mortifying.

“Do you want anything, Padma?” Parvati offered, although her voice was still quiet and uncomfortable. Focusing on the tea first would put off the hardest part.

@padma

[Deleted]

Padma was relieved that Parvati was willing to try tea, at least. There was something settling about the ritual of it, even if tea by magic was never quite so good as tea made the Muggle way.

"I'll have some tea too," she said, and stood to go rummage through her sister's cupboards for cups, a teapot, and the tea bags. It didn't take her long to find them - they'd grown up with the same kitchen, so the logic was easy enough. She dropped the teabags into the pot, filled it with water from her wand, cast a spell to bring it to the boil, and set it all out on the table. She sat back down beside her sister to wait for it to finish brewing.

She didn't say anything else, just reached for her twin's hand, and squeezed it gently. Here - she was here.

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

Padma took her up on her offer of tea and then went to the trouble of finding the necessary equipment to make it. She did so without any guidance, taking no more time than Parvati imagined that she would have taken herself. At first, Parvati was slightly surprised to see her sister return so quickly, but she realized that she must have been quite predictable.

She was about to tell her sister that it was fine—that she could get the tea started—but, before she knew it, Padma was already in the process of doing it. Instead, Parvati waited and focused on getting herself back into a more positive frame of mind. All that it really did, though, was make her feel empty.

Once Padma had brought the water to a boil, she sat back down beside her. Parvati didn't have to make the effort to find her sister's hand to hold, either; she just breathed in and squeezed it as firmly as she could in return.

“I… I'll be alright,” she said to her to break the silence, staring across at the teapot. “I just… How do you say you're sorry for… feeling something again?” Parvati knew that it was going to make her seem hypocritical, at the very least; she'd slept with a man who had been married still. “He was better than Ernie ever was,” she admitted. “And she won't care,” she said of Pansy. “She killed him.” It was everyone else's opinion that she was worried about.

@padma

[Deleted]

"I know you will," Padma said, when Parvati finally spoke after squeezing her hand. "You can't apologise for feeling. It's not honest, and it's not fair to yourself." How to say what her sister needed to hear? It was moments like these when Padma wished she was more like her sister, more passionate and emotional, because she had no idea how to actually help. Because the things that would have helped her were not the same things that would help Parvati.

But she knew when to keep her mouth shut, at least. She somewhat doubted Parvati's assertion that Marcus had been better than Ernie - villanisation of the living and deification of the dead were both known phenomenons - but she didn't think that would help. "History will vindicate him then, and it won't spare her any mercy." What would it say about Parvati was the question, yes, but they would figure that out, and make it good.

She waited a moment longer, then she diverted the conversation back to the tea. "Do you want to pour?"

parvati patil macmillan

[parvati patil macmillan]

“Do you want to pour?”

“Oh, um…” Leaving the tea in her hands didn't seem to be the wisest idea that her sister had ever had. Still, Parvati grabbed the handle of the teapot and made sure that her fingers were grasped firmly around it before pouring. As her hand began to shake, she quickly brought the other so that it hovered just beside the base of the teapot in case she needed to steady it.

“Here,” she said, upon having filled the first cup—Padma's—about halfway. She tilted the teapot again a moment later and continued to fill the cup just the slightest bit more, watching to make sure that she would not overfill it. “That's better,” she acknowledged, not knowing what else to say but knowing that she needed to say something to keep from thinking about the apology that she knew she would have to come up with somehow.

Parvati nearly set the teapot back down, and then she remembered her own cup. She filled it, too—in one go—and then made eye contact again with her sister. “Alright,” she announced. “What's next?”

@padma