i kissed a girl just to try it [susan]

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Of all of the new years Sander had seen, this one was particularly special. For one thing, he had gotten to see the new year, and after a month of blindness, that was nothing to scoff at. He still only had one working eye, but that was better than no working eyes, and he didn't want to be ungrateful for what he had. In fact, Lysander wasn't sure if he could be ungrateful. He was still waiting fro the inevitable drop off in the wonder he felt at waking up each morning and seeing the canopy of his four-poster, but it hadn't come yet. The Ravenclaw was beginning to think that the drop off wasn't inevitable at all, and he would spend the rest of his life delighted to be able to see. What was amazing about being able to see was being able to read again. Sander was more than a little disappointed that the work he had gone through to begin learning Braille was now wasted, but the Braille books were so hard to procure that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue to learn it. In any case, he was currently reading a book about human sexuality, which was fascinating. he had been planning to read it since the GSA meeting, but had only now had the time and the ability to do it. Sander was beginning to wonder if everything that he knew was wrong, but he wasn't particularly keen on pitching himself head-first into another existential crisis...at least not alone.

@susanvictoria

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Another day, another step closer to graduation, and therefore a place in the wizarding Ministry.  Susan could feel the time coming up on her sooner as the new year had dawned.  The New Years Ball had gone spectacularly, and with all the mingling she had done with the different ambassadors from so many countries had solidified Susans' desire to work in International Magic Cooperation when she left school.  She'd started doing more and more research about the department, and was preparing letters to different members of the department to scope out more information.  She'd talked to Claire Slater about joining the Ministry as well, so she felt well prepared.

As she came down the stairs dressed for the day, Susan spotted her friend Sander reading a book in the Common Room.  She didn't have class for another hour or so, so she came over to him with a smile.  "Hey Sander, what book have you got there?" she asked curiously, taking a seat on the couch next to him.


@lysander

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Sander didn’t need to turn around to see that it was Susan who was sitting next to him – he knew by the color of her voice, and barring that, his eye could swivel a full three hundred and sixty degrees – but he turned anyways, just for the sheer novelty of being able to do that and look at his best friend in the face. Nope, it still wasn’t old. When Susan asked what book he was reading, Lysander shut it so he could present the cover of it to her. The title was rather long, but Sander read it aloud anyways. “Complex Applications of Gender and Sexuality in a Modern Wizarding Context.” He informed her. “I started thinking about it after the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting but just now was able to get this book from the library. It’s fascinating, really, all the things I didn’t know I didn’t know.” Sander had thought himself aware of his own ignorance for the most part, but when it came to LGBTQ issues, he was about as educated as a toddler, and the book was a good way to fix that.

@susanvictoria

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Susan's hand automatically reached out for the book her friend held in his hands; she flipped it open and read the description on the front covers side panel. "Interesting," she mused, looking up as Lysander told her about how he had begun to question things after the first Gay-Straight Alliance meeting but only now had gotten the book from the library.  She knew her best friend had always identified as gay, but after a short lived romance had fizzled out, she hadn't seen him take interest in anyone else.  It was good then, for him to be asking questions and studying a topic that relates directly for him.  "I hope it helps you figure things out Sander; I know you and RJ lasted only a hot second, and then you had your accident....I think it's good that you're starting to see a whole different perspective on your life now and well, you know you always have me in your corner," she said with a smile, handing the book back to him and patting him on the shoulder.  She pulled out her own book, which was far less interesting.  But her Transfiguration homework had to be done by tomorrow and she wasn't going to be up all hours of the night trying to finish it.  "So...Lysander Scamander, I saw you dancing with a pretty girl at the Yule Ball?  Did my eyes deceive me or was that one of the Shacklebolt twins?" she asked after a few moments of silence, looking back over at him with an intense scrutiny, but still smiling.

@lysander

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Interesting was one way to put it, and Lysander smiled at Susan’s comment. His smile dropped a little when she spoke of his relationship (not relationship, really) with RJ, and his accident. The two incidents were unrelated, but sitting in the hospital wing…Sander had waited for RJ. And he had never come. So yes, they were related, he supposed. Lysander was eager to move onto a different subject, and while he disagreed with his accident being the sole reason he was reading about gender and sexuality, he understood that Susan was coming from a good place. Then she asked about the Yule Ball, and about Adeline. “I…yes, I danced with her.” Sander said, clearing his throat. “Adeline was at the hospital when I was recovering from my surgery, so we spent some time together.” And then he had danced with her at the Yule Ball, though Susan had already noted that part. If he was honest, Adeline was a part of the reason why Sander had looked more into the more complex aspects of sexuality. Not because he was attracted to her, but because he wondered if one day, he might be. She made sense to him in a way that few other people did, and Sander couldn’t help but think that there might be a future there, somewhere, if he could figure himself out. “I always thought that I could only like boys.” Sander told Susan, though she had probably already surmised that. “But I’m beginning to rethink that.” Even if he hadn’t come out and said it, Sander had all but admitted that he was thinking he might maybe like Adeline. And, of course, there was another girl that he could see himself loving, too.

@susanvictoria

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Susan smiled satisfactorily as Lysander admitted he danced with the girl; she had seen that of course, but she was glad he didn’t deny it. It was good for Sander to have some happiness in his life in her opinion. She knew how happy she was with Casey, and she only wanted that for her friends and family. Unfortunately, Edmund seemed to have hit a bit of a snag with his romance with Addilyn; she’d seen the girl looking rather upset, and her brother more emotionally distant than usual. She reminded herself that she needed to talk to Ed at the very least. “Well I’m glad you were able to strut your dancing skills,” she told him, patting his friend.

She tucked her knees up to her chest as he began to talk about his sexuality and how he was questioning it. “May I ask what caused you to rethink things? Did you meet someone at your GSA meeting that developed your views in a different way?” she asked, sounding curious. Her and Sander had always been honest with each other, but he had been rather sure of himself that he liked only boys. She wondered what this would mean for him going forward.

@lysander

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Sander snorted softly when Susan talked about strutting his dance skills. He barely had skills to strut – it was only because Adeline was such a patient partner (and one who put him at ease) that he was able not to make a mess of it all. Susan asked what caused him to rethink things, and Lysander paused. Now would be as good of a time as any to confess that he might have feelings for Adeline, but Sander still hesitated to do that. It was just friendship, for now, and the idea that he might one day love someone romantically seemed to be a silly reason to rethink his whole life. Shifting paradigms didn’t happen because of one person, and he didn’t want to make it seem that way. But Lysander wanted to explain it to Susan, so he was going to try. “Well, prior to the GSA meeting, I didn’t really know I had options.” Sander said. “So I guess, once I had options, I just…wanted to see.” It was a lame excuse, and it avoided absolutely all of the emotional reasons in favor of the logical ones. “And what I’ve seen so far makes me think that maybe, I could love a girl. I just have never gotten to try it all the way, the way I’ve gotten to try to love a boy.” Lysander hoped that what he added made the explanation more clear, but he wasn’t going to hold out hope for Susan to understand when he barely understood himself.

@susanvictoria

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Susan had an understanding little smile on her face as Lysander tried to explain himself. The world of sexuality was a crazy, confusing chaotic place; anyone could have trouble navigating it even if they felt confident in their identity. “We’re Ravenclaws Sander, our first instinct is to research what we don’t understand,” she said with a little laugh. Susan remembered when she had first gotten to Hogwarts all those years ago as an eleven year old. She had been in castles before, having grown up in them of course, but none of her castles had moving staircases, talking portraits, and doors that sometimes talked back to you. Secret passageways were one of the most similar things she had found while exploring the castle interior, so she had snuggled up with Hogwarts: A History in the Ravenclaw common room every night for almost two weeks straight, reading up on everything there was to know about her new school. “Adeline was nice; we didn’t talk too much but when we did it was always pleasant,” she said, then hesitated briefly. “She was one of the girls who got kidnapped on April Fools Day though, wasn’t she?” she asked him softly. Susan remembered that day; finding Ed and Lucy then being knocked out by falling mortar from the ceiling. Her head injury had given her a sore head for a week, but she imagine Adeline had lasting effects from what the Purifiers did to her.

@lysander

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Lysander nodded when Susan said that a Ravenclaw’s first impulse was to research what they didn’t understand. He couldn’t remember a time when that hadn’t been true for him, even before he had been placed in his Hogwarts house. Even with research, this was proving a difficult problem to solve, mostly because it involved feelings that competed with and often contradicted each other. He had been comfortable with the label he had carved out for himself before – gay – but that seemed now to be the comfort of ignorance. Susan said that Adeline was nice, even if they two hadn’t spoken, and then asked about the April attack. “Yes, she was.” Sander answered quietly. He had met Adeline for the first time at St. Mungo’s, and while at the time he hadn’t thought much of it, in hindsight it seemed obvious that Adeline was in the hospital for a reason, and the hospital was renowned for its ability to heal the mind as well as the body. Lysander had never asked Adeline outright if that was the reason she was at the hospital, figuring that if she was ever ready to divulge that information, she would, but until he had a better explanation for her presence, mental healing was his assumption. “I – I know it’s silly, because I really only just met her, but I sometimes think that, in the future…” Sander wasn’t even able to finish the sentence, because it was a scary revelation, and even scarier to say aloud. “I don’t want to tell her so, though, in case I’m wrong.” What if he was wrong about loving a girl, and he broke her heart?

@susanvictoria

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Susan smiled at Sanders’ slightly stammering explanation of Adeline and working out how he felt about her. She was merely seventeen, but she’d seen plenty of romances come and go, only for someone else to come along that didn’t necessarily share the same gender identity as their previous partner. “In the end Sander, it’s about your happiness, well you and your intended partner. I feel like sometimes it can seem to be black or white, but there are a lot of shades of grey in between those two. If you feel something for Adeline then go for it. Take it slow if you need to obviously, but don’t let yourself miss something that could potentially be wonderful due to fear.” Susan paused, then laughed a little ironically. “Besides if Adeline says no because you’re unsure of how to determine your sexuality then she’s not worth it in the first place. She seems to have been through a lot anyway, so I couldn’t blame her if she was completely find with the slow and steady approach,” she reasoned. As she had mentioned, she hadn’t been entirely close with Adeline Shacklebolt but her own father had been murdered. If Susan had been sixteen or so when that had happened, she wouldn’t feel remotely ready for any sort of romance for a good long while.


@lysander

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Sander sighed softly when Susan said that the world wasn’t black and white. He had known that for a good long while. “It’s not even that I feel something now.” He said. “It’s that…I could, I think, if I knew her more. If I talked to her, if I saw her smile more, if I heard her laugh more…” Sander sighed. He wished he could explain it better. He could love Adeline if he knew her the way he knew Susan – if he knew her like the back of his own hand. He had sent her a letter with the book, and was waiting for a response, waiting to see if the owl coming in through the window made him thrill the way Susan walking into the room sometimes did. Lysander took a deep breath in, and let it out. If knowing Adeline the way he knew Susan meant that he would love her, then logic would dictate…that he loved Susan? Sander took another deep breath. Maybe his logic was being twisted by his emotions, but it made sense. Sander understood what love was, he thought, and he knew he loved Susan as a friend, but maybe there was more than that? Lysander knew he ought to say something, anything, but he couldn’t. Instead, he just leaned forward and pressed his lips to Susan’s.

@susanvictoria

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Susan nodded, then smiled. “Relationships always begin to getting to know one another Sander,” she said teasingly. “It makes sense that you want to spend time with her if you think something could develop, whether it be romantic or not. The more you get to know her, the more clear the situation will become to you,” she told him, trying to sound all wise and knowing. That was how it had worked for her at least; getting to know Casey better had only caused her affection for him to grow into something more.

Susan opened her mouth to say something else, when suddenly Sander leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. She was momentarily shocked; was Lysander Scamander actually kissing her? It was nice she supposed, rather sweet but...it felt like she was kissing her brother. Regaining her motor movement, she gently put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him away. “Oh Sander,” she sighed, tucking a curl behind her ear. “You’re one of my best friends, you know what. But...Sander, I don’t see you in that way,” she said, smiling sadly at him. “I’m sorry, if this was your first kiss with a girl I didn’t mean to end it on a sour note. But I don’t fancy the idea of ever leading someone on. It’d kill me to think that you thought that,” she said, her voice quiet.

@lysander

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Sander sighed a little bit. He knew how relationships worked, even if he hadn’t ever been in one. It wasn’t like he had fallen head-over-heels for RJ in a day; it had been through a series of letters they had exchanged over the summer, which had fizzled out into nothing. “It’s difficult to spend time with someone when I’m in school and she’s not.” Sander pointed out. He had sent Adeline a letter with the book he had promised her at the Yule Ball, but he had yet to receive a response. He didn’t want to reek of desperation by sending her another letter asking to meet up, especially since everything he had thought about her so far had been clouded with ‘maybe’s. Sander didn’t operate in maybes.

Kissing Susan hadn’t been what he expected. For one thing, he had thought that something would blossom, that he would know for certain whether he loved her, and whether or not he was capable of loving Addie. But it didn’t work that way. The flower bud in his chest had shriveled, not bloomed, and instead of answers, all he had was more questions. Was it because it was Susan, or because it was a girl? He didn’t know. Sander wished that he could close his eyes so that he could figure this out a little better. Instead, he kept his eye focused forward, not responding Susan so that he could untangle his knotted thoughts.

@susanvictoria

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Susan felt horrible in the silence that followed Lysander kissing her. So many thoughts were blowing through her mind in those few silent moments. Lysander was one of her best friends, someone she could confide in, someone she felt fully comfortable with. And she loved him of course but in a friendly, brother sort of way. Not in the romantic, kissing sense; not like Casey. Her eyes widened a little; did she just think about Casey by using the ‘L’ word? They hadn’t been spoken out loud of course, they hadn’t been dating that long and it was far too soon. Susan was a lady, she was not the type to throw around the word love to someone she hadn’t been romantically involved in for such a short period of time. Were those kind of feelings developing though? Most certainly, which made her feel even worse about Lysander. Did this mean he didn’t just see her as a best friend but as a romantic pursuit? And weren’t they just talking about Adeline Shacklebolt? Oh, she was just too confused.

Susan stood up abruptly, her face flushing pink. “I...I have to go. Prefect Duty,” she muttered the lie easily; it was not quite curfew after all and as long as she didn’t leave the castle she could go on a short walk to clear her head a little. She was pretty sure Rose Weasley was on duty anyway; if anyone knew about clearing their head, it was the Head Girl. She rushed out without a backwards glance and closed the door to the Ravenclaw Common Room behind her.


SUSAN OUT
@lysander