weep little lion man (redux) [james]

[Deleted]

Theo was dead. Abby was dead. Natalia was beginning if she was some sort of bad luck charm, bringing nothing but pain to the people closest to her. Ethan had been in her house in school, as had Braelynn. She was the reason her siblings had wanted to kill their parents, ultimately leading to their deaths and Andy's mental break. And now her former betrothed and one of her boyfriend's best friends were dead, too. Natalia was trying not to think it was just her a thing, because that was stupid and selfish, and she also had had more than enough self-pity to last her a lifetime. Besides, after James had been a pillar of strength for her through her dark times, not it was her turn to be strong for him. She had been close to Theodorus, of course, but she imagined that their closeness was nothing like the one shared by James and Abby. She and Theo had always had rules between them; decorum and society came before affection or emotion. Abby and James hadn't had anything separating them. Natalia didn't know how to broach the subject, if she was honest. All that she knew was that she was hurting, and James was too.

@jams

[Deleted]

This could not be happening. After everything that had happened last year, after all they had been through... the universe had to go and make it even worse. Abigail was dead. As if this year couldn't be worse for James. Now he was shaken to his core, his heart was broken. Abby had been his best friend since he was young. With their parents always having worked together, they had known each other for years before they were both sorted into Gryffindor together. And then when Finn, Casey, and Fred were also sorted into Gryffindor, the five of them had formed a little group. They were like the next generation of Marauders, always causing trouble with one another. And Abby, while a ball of fire herself, was always a sort of voice of reason to the boys. And of course, as they got older, Abby and James had always had more of a "friends with benefits" type of relationship. Until James met Natalia, that is. And even then, when James was embarrassed to tell Abby about Natalia, she had been understanding. She had respected that James had fallen in love. And even though James despised Theodorus Nott with his very being, he was glad Abby had fallen in love too. She never told him, but James knew. They were best friends, after all.

When James got the news, he was at the Leaky Cauldron. Alice was there. And while he and Alice still weren't talking, when the man read the report out loud, James and Alice shared a look. Alice had been really close with Abby too and now James wished more than anything he could talk to Alice but instead he had ran out of the Cauldron and apparated home. He had gone to bed and for the first time in a very, very long time, he had cried until he had fallen asleep.

James had awoken not long after he fell asleep. He felt like he couldn't sleep knowing that Abby was no longer a part of this world. He wasn't sure what time it was when he pulled the covers up and over his legs and finally stood up. His legs felt like noodles and he was still in his work clothes when he walked downstairs and saw the blonde woman he was in love with. James felt his bottom lip quiver as he looked at Natalia and then without another moment of hesitation, James crossed over to the Ravenclaw alum and wrapped his arms around her, letting go of everything he felt as he started sobbing into his girlfriend's shoulder.

@natalia

[Deleted]

Natalia hadn’t been waiting for James to wake up, per say, but she had been waiting for something, and when she heard someone moving around upstairs…well, that was something. Natalia wasn’t sure what to do, or if she needed to brace herself, or what. She had never seen James grieve before, not the way he had seen her do it, so she didn’t know what to expect. People said grief came in stages, and each was different from the last, and required a different approach. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Natalia recited the names in her head again as she heard James beginning to walk down the stairs, trying to draft out a plan of responses for anything that he could do or say. All of that preparation went out the window, though, when she saw James. He just looked so…broken. Yes, Theo’s death had hurt, but it hadn’t broken Nat (though she thought that was probably because her heart wasn’t whole to start with). James crossed over to her and Nat didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around his shoulders. Listening to him sob cause a pang of sadness to hit Nat right in the stomach. Grieving was awful, but watching someone you loved grieve was even worse. “It’s okay, James.” She murmured, beginning to stroke his hair. “It’s okay to cry. It will be alright.” Natalia didn’t fully believe what she was saying, at least about everything turning out alright, but it didn’t matter. It was what James needed to hear.

@jams

[Deleted]

James had always had to be the strong one. He was the eldest sibling, and one of the eldest of all of his cousins. And being the outgoing and troublesome Gryffindor that he always has been, he always directed all attention to him so people really looked up to him. But now he had no idea what to do with himself. He had never felt so lost, so broken. This whole time, ever since Kingsley first died, James had thought that the worst had happened. How stupid he had been for thinking such a thing. And now, he felt selfish because he had completely shut down since he first heard about Abby. He knew others were hurting because of this. Fred, Alice, Finn, and Abby's siblings. James felt awful because he hadn't even made an attempt to check in on any of them. What kind of friend was he?

When Natalia wrapped her arms around James, he felt better than he had since he found out. He finally felt grounded. He hated that he felt alone, and selfish for feeling that way. But his brain told him it was okay to feel this way because he had just lost his best friend, but his heart told him to be there for his other friends. It was all so confusing to James, and ultimately it was ripping him in half. It was a couple of minutes of silence and sobbing on James's part before he finally was able to speak. Natalia's stroking her hands through his hair had helped in calming him down just a little bit, at least enough to finally be able to take in a normal breath. "I... I don't know what to do," he gasped. It was the only thing he could think of to say. Words were escaping his mind.

@natalia

[Deleted]

Natalia had suffered before in her life. She had suffered the Cruciate Curse and she had suffered finding her siblings crushed by their childhood home and she had suffered watching her sister try to claw her way back from insanity. But Nat didn’t think that she had ever suffered as much as she did having to watch the person she loved cry and cry and cry and not be able to do anything for him. She had experienced something similar with Andy, but that had been easier, somehow, because she had always known, at least a little bit, that Andy was going to make it out alright. There was an entire team of people working with her, and Andy was strong, and she always had been… even if Nat hadn’t always been able to admit it. Here, and now, Natalia wasn’t sure whether or not she trusted James’s strength, or her own. So much was expected of him, being the son of Harry Potter, but he hadn’t ever let it crush him, or make him bitter. Nat wouldn’t be surprised if that was now crashing down around him, too, because as soon as you let one doubt into your head, a hundred million more poured in. All Nat could do was keep on holding James. Maybe she wasn’t a lot, but Nat hoped that for now, she was enough.

“You don’t need to know what to do, James.” Nat said softly, running her fingers through his hair. “It isn’t your job to fix this, love. You can’t fix it. None of us can.” Maybe it wasn’t the most optimistic of phrases, but Nat was hoping that knowing that he wasn’t the only one who was powerless would make James feel a little better. Ugh. It was at times like this that Natalia wished she had let herself feel more, and more often, sooner. Maybe then she would have better things to say right now. “It is okay if all you can do right now is look after yourself.” She said. “And if you can’t do that, then that’s okay, too. I’ll do it for you.” Natalia could do that. She felt Theodorus’s loss, but nearly in the same way that James felt Abigail’s. She could carry them both, if that was what he needed.

@jams

[Deleted]

James knew that realistically, there really was nothing he could do. But how was he supposed to live with that as an acceptable answer? How was there absolutely nothing that he could do? Well, even if there was James supposed he wouldn't be able to do it. He was feeling absolutely broken and shaken to his core. No one prepares you for this kind of pain as a kid, and it is truly the worst thing James has ever had to endure in his life.

"I... I can't," James took in a breathe to stop himself from hyperventilating and took another moment before he continued to speak. "I don't know how people can move on from this sort of pain, Nat," he looked at her with tears in his eyes. Even though Natalia had such reassuring words, James couldn't help how absolutely helpless he felt about it all. He hated it.

@natalia

[Deleted]

Natalia looked at James with sadness in her eyes. He obviously didn’t know what to do, and she was just as lost about how to help him. “Hush, love.” She said, continuing to run her hand through his hair, though her original intention of calming him seemed to be a bit naïve at this point. She searched for something, anything to say, and finally landed on a question that might approach helpful. “Have you talked to your father?” Natalia asked softly. She didn’t have any experience with losing the ones that she loved, but she somehow expected that an orphan who had survived a war would know a thing or two about what it was like to love and lose. “He might be able to tell you more than I can…” She continued on. “I think, though, that it’s not about moving on from pain. It’s about using it to make you better.” Natalia would be lying if she said that she had completely moved on from her father’s torture, but she had used everything that she was feeling to propel her towards a better life – the life that she was living now. She didn’t know if it was possible for James to do the same, but it was worth the suggestion.

@jams

[Deleted]

James just stood there in Natalia's arms, continuing to let her brush her hands through his hair. It was weirdly calming and he was able to answer her question with much more ease when it came time to. "I... no, I haven't," he shook his head. James had not really even seen his father. Since the death of Abigail and Theodorus Nott, the Ministry was on pretty high alert. He had hardly had the time to see his father. He had spoken briefly to his mother, but it was mainly just being comforted like he was six again. Not that he was complaining; he had certainly needed it. "H - how are you supposed to get better from this?" James asked, only somewhat incredulously. "I... I've never felt this kind of pain before. I feel like I'm stuck, or that I'm going to be stuck like this forever." He sniffed, holding back another round of tears.

@natalia

[Deleted]

Natalia nodded when James said that he hadn’t talked to his father. She had already told him why she thought that might be a good idea, but didn’t want to press the point too much, especially because she wasn’t sure that James not seeing his father was voluntary. Harry was an important part of the Ministry, after all, and probably needed in the fallout of Theo and Abby’s death. James still seemed confused about what to do, and Natalia sighed. She really hadn’t wanted to think about the pain that she had endured, lest she seem as if she was making this entire thing about herself, but maybe a more concrete example would help James. “When… I was tortured…” Nat began slowly, trying to choose her words in such a way not to make the anecdote about her situation specifically, but how one could grow from pain, “I realized that whatever love I had left for my parents wasn’t really love. And that my situation with them wasn’t a good one, and that I needed to get out of it.” Nat swallowed, not enjoying the feeling of being sucked back into that time in her life. “The pain gave me the perspective and the strength that I needed to make a difficult choice, and choose which direction I wanted my life to go in.” And that choice had made so much different. It had allowed her to be adopted by the Longbottoms, and grow closer to Andy, and find a deeper reassurance in her relationship with James, and had, essentially, given her the life that she had now. “Maybe you can do something similar.” James did have a lot of choices in front of him – with his relationships, with his career, and with everything. Maybe he needed a little pain to guide him to what was right, too.

@jams

[Deleted]

Silently, James wondered why he hadn't thought to talk to his father before now. Honestly, there were probably a few people he should have spoken to right away but he just couldn't bring himself to. James didn't say anything for a moment, but instead waited for Natalia to speak and when she did he felt himself go slightly tense. He knew that talking about that brief time in her life was not easy for Natalia. He watched her intently and his hand automatically reached out and found her own, giving it an affectionate squeeze. James knew that Nat talking about this, was to help him. She wouldn't just bring it up for no reason and James appreciated it more than he could express.

Natalia's words were exactly what James had needed to hear. He hadn't forgotten about the things Natalia had gone through, of course, but he had not thought to stop and think how Natalia had been through things so traumatic and still came out on the other side better than ever. Her life now was better, and as far as James could tell she was beyond happy. And seeing how the girl he loved had gone through such horrible things and turned out better than okay... well, it gave him such a strong sense of hope that things would... probably be okay.

James was silent for a few short minutes after Natalia had spoken. He had so many things he wanted to change in his life, and maybe this was the push he needed to change those things. "Y - you're right," he finally said, his voice still soft but no longer sniffling. "I want to get a good job. I - I want to fix things with Alice. I want to make my parents proud," he began listing off the things he knew he had wanted to do for some time now, but had lacked the determination or courage to do. Natalia was so right. And more so, Abigail would want him to do those things too. James's free hand then found Natalia's other hand and his eyes met hers. "You're incredible. You know that, right?" He said quietly to the blonde. If it weren't for Natalia Lestrange, James probably would have drowned long ago.

@natalia

[Deleted]

The silence that stretched between Natalia and her boyfriend wasn’t uncomfortable, but nor was it comfortable, ether. Nat could practically hear the thoughts whirring through James’s head, and she wished that she could just… show him. Show him that things would turn out alright and that there was someone there who loved him. Merlin, how she loved him. And that love wouldn’t make everything okay, but it would make things better, she hoped. She prayed. “You will make them proud, James.” Nat said quietly. Of her boyfriend’s three goals, only that one seemed out of place. Getting a good job and reconciling with old friends were both important, but Natalia couldn’t imagine how James’s parents weren’t proud of him. He hadn’t gotten a job, true, but there was something that was undeniably brave about being able to say that he didn’t know where he could do the most good in the world. “And you make me proud, too. Every day.” He had gotten up that morning, and he had talked with her, and those things weren’t easy to do in the wake of devastation. Natalia squeezed James’s hand, which was still entwined with hers. He said that she was incredible, and she gave him a soft smile. She was trying to make the world better, and heal the ones she loved. In the end, that was what Natalia was – a healer first, and everything else second. “I love you.” She stated as a simple reply. The Ravenclaw didn’t need to be told that she was incredible; just that she was loved.

@jams

[Deleted]

If there had been any doubt whether or not James was a crier when it came to emotional conversations, there certainly wouldn't be after the last year or so. Natalia's words really struck a cord with him, and he felt the little prickle of tears in his eyes, but they didn't feel sad anymore. He felt happy. Happy that he made Natalia proud, and if for some reason he couldn't make his parents proud then he decided right then and there that Natalia would be enough. When she squeezed his hand, he gave her a gentle kiss on her cheek and as he sat back he gazed at her and smiled. "I love you, too."

@natalia
we could end this here and start a new one, past or present!