Please don't say you love me (Viola)

[Deleted]

Maria had finally, and fully realized something last night. Something that had kept her lying awake all night long. Wide awake as her thoughts and stomach churned. It couldn't be true. Couldn't have happened. And yet... she knew it was. Deep down. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself she was over thinking it all. But she wasn't.

She was falling in love with Viola. Hard. She found her thoughts often consumed by the fellow Durmstrang student. Looking forward to the next time she saw her partner. Wondering where they were. That jealous sinking feeling in her stomach everytime she saw Viola with someone Maria found attractive because what if Viola thought the same? The odd sense of belonging Viola made her feel and how they somehow managed to make her restless and impatient nature practically purr with contentment. She and Viola hadn't even gone that far, it was practically chaste for Maria. And yet she found herself not caring how far they went. Anything Viola gave her was worth it.

The only problem with any of this? Maria didn't do 'love'. Being tied to someone. Because when they left it'd all just hurt again. And she was sick of hurting and losing people she loved. She'd given up on it when she was a child. And the realization that she was in love was enough to freak her out and kick her flight response into action. Maria was a fighter and always stood her ground. Unless love was involved. And then you'd see a completely different side of her. She wanted to run. Away from it all before it for any worse. Before Viola could convince her to stay and give love a shot. Convince her to believe it'd be different this time. And just when she got her hopes up it would all come crashing down and burn.

Maria had been pacing all morning. She'd skipped all her classes. It was like watching a restless cat, and any students (from any of the three schools) stayed clear of the girl because of how riled up she seemed. That and she'd flung a fist full of fire at someone that morning. Word must have spread to leave her be. But surprisingly even Elias hadn't tried to calm her down. Almost as if he knew she wabred to be alone with her thoughts. Even Viola hadn't showed up, but if Maria had to guess they were being a good student and actually going to class. So when she finally made up her mind of what to do? She let out a frustrated breath because she had to wait for Viola to be free. At least she had a good idea where Viola would go first. To drop off their books in the dormitory.

Finally back on the Durmstrang ship after a morning of restless pacing, Maria made her way down to the dormitory they shared. Empty. She must have beat them back. Now.. she just had to wait. With a sigh she sat down on the floor next to her bed, back against the bed frame as she picked at a split end in her hair, a nervous habit that didn't happen very often.

@viola

[Deleted]

Viola had been in class for the majority of the day, mostly annoyed by the fact that nothing seemed to be able to captivate their attention. Most of her classmates had at least one subject that they excelled in or wanted to make a career out of, and there they were, just a month away from graduating, and still unsure of what life after graduation would bring them. Viola didn’t do nerves – they were pretty useless in actually accomplishing anything – but if they were anyone else, nervous would probably be the word to describe what they were feeling. Viola’s restlessness was only heightened when they heard a story about someone getting a fireball thrown in their face. They didn’t need three guesses to figure out who the perpetrator out, which meant that when classes were over, Viola was going to have to figure out what was wrong with Maria. At least they wouldn’t get flambéed like any other well-meaning soul who tried to talk to their girlfriend.

When classes were over, Viola’s plan for the rest of the day basically consisted of getting rid of their books and finding their girlfriend to see if they could calm her down at least to the point where she wasn’t attacking innocent people (though innocence was subjective). Luckily for them, when they went to drop their books off in their dormitory, Maria was already there, though she seemed preoccupied with her hair. “Bad day?” Viola asked in way of greeting, to let Maria know they had heard of what had happened earlier.

@maria

[Deleted]

Maria didn't move when the door of the dormitory opened but she did twitch when she heard Viola's voice. The person she was looking for. And now that she was fully aware of her feelings for this individual? She understood why she felt an immediate pull, an overwhelming urge to do to them. Heaven above she wanted Viola to be hers and hers alone so bad... Maria closed her eyes immediately and let out the breath she'd been holding since she heard that familiar voice. She should answer. She should just jump into what she's planned. Get it over with right here and now. And yet... she could feel her resolve starting to crack just a little.

Maria knew she needed to get this over with now. Before Viola could convince her otherwise. Because they would. Viola could get Maria to do anything the wanted, their control over her so intense. It wasn't even intentional. Maria just found herself so enthralled with the desire to be with Viola that she'd do anything asked of her. And that was part of the problem.

Maria let out another breath and dropped her hands away from her hair. Her eyes opened and her head tilted back to stare at the ceiling. "I can't do this anymore, Viola." she forced herself to say, trying her best to sound sure and confident. She needed Viola to believe her. Believe whatever reason she gave for ending things between them. Because otherwise? Viola would be able to talk her out of it.

@viola

[Deleted]

Maria was definitely behaving differently than usual. She closed her eyes, and Viola continued to study their girlfriend, as if they could somehow figure out what was wrong if they stared hard enough. That wasn’t how this worked – they were supposed to have some sort of information to work off, not just silence. Once they knew what was up, they could figure out how to fix it. After what felt like minutes but was probably just a second or two, Maria dropped her hands from her hair, and then said that she couldn’t do this anymore. “What do you mean?” Viola asked promptly, because that was what they were supposed to ask. They ignored the mild uneasiness in their stomach, and the siren that had started blaring in the back of their head. Maria was fine, they insisted to themself – everything was fine, and Maria just needed a good hug (or, more likely, a good snog), and then things would be back to the way they normally were. Viola didn’t move, just stood there, arms folded across their chest, waiting for an answer.

@maria

[Deleted]

Maria didnt like that question. What she meant. She wanted to just rip this off like a bandaid and expect Viola to understand so that she wasn't caught trying to explain it and potentially lose her nerve. Just get it over with. And yet, actually saying "I want to break up" seemed like an impossible task. Because it was a lie. She didn't want to. She had to, because she couldn't handle the emotions that came with it. But Merlin knew she wanted Viola. More then anyone else. And not just in an intimate sense.

"This. Us. I can't. Not anymore." Maria forced herself to say, still not looking away from the ceiling, unable to look st Viola as she spoke. Announcing that she couldn't handle them being together anymore. She might not have said she wanted to break up but her words made it plenty clear what she meant.

@viola

[Deleted]

This had to be a mistake or a joke or something. It didn’t make sense – Maria had said that she loved them, something Viola had never expected to hear. Maria had said the word love, and now, here she was, saying that she couldn’t do it anymore? This was bad, this was wrong, this… hurt. Viola cursed mentally. Once upon a time, they hadn’t cared much for people, or feelings. Once upon a time, there was nobody on the earth except themself who was capable of making them feel this way. Confused. Hopeless. Scared. There was something wrong and Viola didn’t know what it was. “What?” They asked instead, voice feeling like sandpaper against their throat. They knew the question wasn’t going to change what they had heard, but Viola was hoping that maybe they would get more information, that they’d be able to understand why this was happening – why the world was crashing down.

@maria

[Deleted]

Maria sucked in a sharp breath at that single word. That single but penetrating word that Viola had uttered. What. As if they didn't understand. Or didn't want to understand. And it left Maria utterly defenseless. What should she say? How should she answer? Hell, what could she say? Forcing her eyes to finally close she took a slower breath this time, not responding immediately. How could she, when it had been so hard just to get those initial words out? She needed to stay composed. Needed Viola to believe her and her desire to break up. She couldn't let Viola know the truth. That she was absolutely mad for them and the idea terrified her more then anything else... Because she knew that someday, somehow, Viola would leave her someday. Whether something took them away from her, or Maria just kept hurting them until they couldn't stand anymore. That was all Maria was seemingly good at, taking and ruining. And she didn't want to ruin Viola.

"I don't want to be together anymore." That took more willpower then she knew she possessed, especially to say it so clearly. While the pauses might give away her extreme uncertainty of the situation her voice wouldn't. She was good at faking that at least. As if to try and drive the point home, she got to her feet, pushing off the floor and finally turning.... To look at Viola.

And heaven above it almost broke her. She wanted to rush to them right then and their, and tell them it wasn't true. But somehow she managed to keep her feet where they were, not moving closer as she swallowed in an attempt to ignore that... that look from Viola. "I'm sorry." She meant it too, more then she even realized. In more ways then she realized. "But this.... isn't for me." She hoped this vague explanation would suffice. Viola could interpret it several way, but she hoped they'd see it as Maria not doing the dating thing and not the love thing.

@viola

[Deleted]

Patience was normally something Viola had in droves. They were good at sitting still and watching and waiting and observing. They considered themself a patient person, in fact, despite their occasional complaint that nothing interesting was happening in the world around them. Waiting for Maria’s answer, though, was agony. It was difficult to wait because Viola still didn’t understand, and they wanted to fix things, keep Maria from making a mistake that would tear both of them apart. But Maria’s answer didn’t make anything better – it just made things worse, crystallizing the fear that had been stirring in Viola since the original declaration. Maria didn’t want to be with them anymore, and… they didn’t know how to finish the sentence, because they had never thought this far ahead. Viola had thought that they were good for Maria, that they simultaneously challenged her and nurtured her – at least as best as they knew how to nurture. Viola frowned. “What isn’t for you?” They asked quietly, hoping that maybe if they could keep drawing the conversation out, Maria would realize that she was making a mistake, and a bad one. The longer they talked, the more time Maria had to come to her senses, and that was all Viola wanted – all they needed. They needed Maria to stay.

@maria

[Deleted]

Why was Viola making her say it? Maria wished that they would stop that, because they were making her question everything. Make her resolve weaken. And actually try to think of an actual reason for sny of this besides the truth; that she was scared. Though standing and facing Viola now Maria couldn't keep eye contact, her gaze just about everything else but Viola as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Relationships. Dating." Loving. She left that part out intentionally, because admitting that aloud might break the last of her will. Maria took a deep breath before continuing. Her voice a little stronger now. "Look... it isn't because of you, Viola. I'm just not this type of person." She could be though. She'd realized that when she realized she loved Viola. She could chose Viola and just Viola. Promise to be theirs and theirs alone. But she'd rather lie to herself than admit that.

@viola
(One more? I can end it on my next post.)

[Deleted]

Shock wasn’t an appropriate word to describe how Viola was feeling. In a way, they had expected this all along. They had known from the beginning that being in a relationship with Maria was a gamble, but they had thought that they had won this one. If anything, Viola was more shocked by their own emotions. It… hurt. Viola wasn’t used to hurting like this, or hurting at all. They had been sure, their entire life, to make sure no one got close enough that they could hurt them like this. Viola took a deep breath in, just trying to remember that they could breathe at all. “Okay.” The word fell out of their lips like lead, and it was obvious in their tone that even though they were saying everything was okay, Viola definitely wasn’t. Their voice shook with a mixture of sadness and confusion and rage, and Viola was a little afraid of what would happen if they stayed much longer. They began to back away, towards the entrance of the room, so that they could make an escape before they exploded.

@maria

[Deleted]

Maria was hurting Viola. Hell, she was hurting herself. And yet, she'd done it. She'd managed to get it all out. Without breaking down and stopping herself. Without being dissuaded by Viola. Without letting out her true feelings about all of this. And then... all Viola said was okay. One single word. But that hurt. More than anything else that had been said by them. She could hear so much emotion in that one little word, and it broke Maria's heart. Especially because she was the one that cause those feelings. Maria bit her bottom lip, swallowing her own emotions that had tried to bubble up to the surface. IT didn't work, so Maria had to look away from Viola then too, break the eye contact to try and stop her own reaction. It wasn't working that well. And she knew she needed to leave. She'd said her piece, and now she had to get far away before Viola saw her composure fall apart.

"I'm sorry." She slowly forced herself to say. She meant it. More than she'd even intended. The words almost shook with strained emotion but somehow managed to remained just sorrowful. She would have said Viola's name too, but knew she'd never manage this if she said their name. Because Viola's name.... She loved the way it sounded, and rolled off her tongue. Viola was already moving towards the door, but Maria moved faster, quickly escaping it and down the hall of the ship. To get as far away from the person she loved as possible before she exploded.

@viola
(end </3)