Here I Am Without You (Ethan)

[Deleted]

Dom sat on the benches of the Quidditch Pitch, staring absently in front of her, an empty journal sitting in her lap while one of her hands held a quill. Ink was on the bench beside her, but she wasn't using it. She wasn't using the quill either. In all honesty, she wasn't focused on the paper in front of her or anything else and didn't care if others were near her or not because she was too lost in thought. Not that she was really thinking anything specifically. More like, she was thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Yesterday was the day of the Quidditch game. Her last Quidditch game here at school. That was a discouraging thought. Her team won, which was an achievement and definitely something that Dom was glad of, though it wasn't like they practiced and earned it like house teams did in their games. This was all kind of based on chance, who you were put with and how well you meshed together. She loved the game, and felt slightly empty at the realization that her time playing it was coming to a close. Despite talking with her head of house, Dom still wasn't decided about what she wanted to do with her life, but she was pretty sure she couldn't do Quidditch. That's what Ethan planned on doing last year before he ... Ethan. He was back, but they hadn't spoken since the day she found him. And that conversation ... well it hadn't gone well. She'd been shocked to see her best friend standing before her, shocked and confused and hurt and a bunch of other feelings she couldn't put words to. He'd been mad. Understandably so, since apparently he didn't realize the first what happened to him, but then he left her. That in and of itself hurt more than Dom wanted to admit to herself or anyone else, so she buried it in true Dominique style, just as she tried to bury her pain in missing him all year. She failed at that, but she did try. She'd searched out Riley, a good friend, a few days later to try and distract her from her thoughts of Ethan, which worked in the moment but didn't last long. A part of her wanted to see Ethan again, another part didn't. If he was going to be mad at her always, she didn't want to see him at all. She couldn't bear the thought of him being angry at her. She didn't need it after the hell she went through over the last year. All those emotions that she felt like she'd finally moved past were back in full force. Of course he came back. Why wouldn't he? Dom needed to stop trying to be happy because every time she started to feel content, everything got pulled apart somehow. 

So she stared across the pitch, her eyes not seeing as she tried to make sense of her mind. It was too jumbled, however. There really was no point in even trying and after a while Dom gave up and just stared, letting her thoughts come and go as they wanted. 

@ghostethan

[Deleted]

Ethan had felt bad about his last encounter with Dom, of course. It was shocking enough coming back to the world as a ghost, but he was sure it was just as shocking seeing your dead best friend-slash-love come back as a ghost. He was too freaked out to think about anyone other than himself, and he was sure she was too. They needed time. And, after seeing her play that game, he was reminded why they were so infatuated with one another, as friends and more, in the first place. Hopefully, the could still find room for some kind of love in the afterlife.

Even if she was only there for another two months.

He couldn't think about that. He'd need to make new friends. Somehow, of course, he knew he'd find her in the Quidditch stands the day after the game. That's where he went to think, after all. He floated over to her. "Great game yesterday, Dommi," he started softly. "I can see the lesser Dom is still causing trouble," he added. Familiar ground. Good place to start.

@dominique

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The one thing Dom definitely wasn't expecting was his voice to come from behind her. Her heart started racing and she closed her eyes for a second, glad at her ability to not physically jump when she was startled. She was good at seeming composed, even when her mind and heart were in a jumble. The thing was ... Ethan knew her well enough to be able to tell when she was confused. At least, he used to know her well enough. She turned to look at him, offering a small smile. He searched her out? Dom nodded at his compliment, "Thanks Ethan," she responded, laughing slightly when he mentioned Dominic. "He always causes trouble," she answered wryly, "At least we still won." She won her last game. "You came to watch?" It sounded like he did, but Dom couldn't help but ask. 

@ghostethan

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She gave him a small smile but he didn't know what to make of it. She laughed a little, though, at his mention of Dominic which made him feel a bit better. "He plays well usually, even with that attitude. I think you've got him roped in pretty well. Too bad I won't get to see your captaining in full action," he said with a frown. She asked if he came to watch and he nodded, "I did. Sat next to a nice guy. One of your friends, Seamus," he expressed.

He sighed, floating to a sitting position beside her. He couldn't actually put any weight on the bench or he'd just go right through it, so... floating to pretend to sit was what he did. "Dommi I..." he shook his head and looked down at his hands in his lap, "I'm just so proud of you. Being captain and growing up to be so smart and brave and all.."

@dominique

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Dom smiled, accepting Ethan's compliments. "Thanks, I've tried." Then she made a face. "Yeah, I didn't really get to be a captain at all. Stupid Tournament," she muttered. Honestly, Dom didn't mind the Triwizard Tournament at all. It was fun and exciting and all ... but it took away her Quidditch, and she didn't like that at all. She smiled when he mentioned Séamus. "Did you get to talk to him at all or were the two of you busy watching me be amazing," she teased, trying to keep the tone light. A part of her wondered if Séamus would have told Ethan how hard this last year was for her ... but she didn't think he would. Séamus wasn't one to tell other people's private things.

She heard him sigh and he moved a little closer before telling her that he was proud of her for being the captain and being smart and brave, but he wasn't looking at her as he spoke. She shook her head, relieved that he wouldn't see that. "I'm a mess," she answered softly. He hadn't been here long enough to see that. "All that other stuff is just for show." She didn't feel brave anymore, or like she was a captain, or smart. Getting over his death a month ago didn't help now that he was back and Dom found herself sinking back into that oblivion, though she wished Ethan wouldn't see her do it.

@ghostethan

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She said she tried, and he nodded. She did well, he meant that. She said that she didn't really get to be captain at all because of the tournament and Ethan frowned. "I guess that's a good point... I should have let you take the slot last year," he half joked. It would have been better for someone who was going to live to have it, anyway. It could help her if she ever wanted to do more with Quidditch as a career, right? Ethan didn't have a future, so that was... well, sad.

Dommi teased about 'being amazing' and Ethan laughed, "we talked and watched," he answered. Seamus seemed like a decent guy, so that was nice. It was just nice to have someone to talk to in general who didn't look at him like he was... a ghost.

After he complimented her, in all honesty, she said she was a mess. He looked over at her, his brow furrowed with concern. She said all that other stuff was for show and he took his head. "No, you're not a mess," he said firmly, "you're brilliant," he lifted a hand and reached it toward her face, then just stopped to hover beside it since he couldn't touch her. "Don't mourn for what's lost, Dommi. Think about what's ahead," he could take that advice himself... "you have a lot ahead of you and... I want you to do it all. Promise me you'll try."

@dominique

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Dom shook her head vehemently when Ethan suggested that he should have let Dom be the captain last year. "I wouldn't have taken it. You're the one who wanted to play Quidditch professionally. Being a captain is a good endorsement for that." She didn't add the fact that neither of them ever would have guessed what happened, that he would die before the year was out. No, him being captain his last year was something that never would have changed. Not because of her, anyway.

Ethan said that they talked and watched and Dom rolled her eyes. Was he really going to make her ask a bunch of questions or was he eventually going to elaborate on his own? "You talk about anything interesting?" She prompted, trying to get some semblance of a conversation going.

He told her she wasn't a mess, that she was brilliant and Dom exhaled slowly, shaking her head. She was about to freeze when he reached forward, almost touching her. If he weren't a ghost ... he would have touched her. That realization hurt more than she expected. He started talking about how she needed to not mourn and move forward ... and asked her to try. Why was he doing this to her? Did he even realize what he was doing? Maybe not. She shook her head, "I can't plan for the future. My plans never work and I'm giving up on them. I'm just going to see where life takes me." The words came out slowly, her brow furrowed as she tried to explain. She didn't sound at all like herself. At least, not with that tone. Those words said in her normal voice, with her normal excitement could be taken much differently, like life was an adventure and she was going to see where it took her, but she was struggling to see it that way anymore. Life was determined to break her and she wasn't sure how many times she could pull herself back together.

@ghostethan

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Dom said she wouldn't have taken the captain position and Ethan frowned at her. But then she added why, because of his career plans, and he smiled a little, even though he was sure that should have made him frown more. Since he couldn't have any of that. "I can accept that, Dom," he said with a soft smile. Then she asked about Seamus, and if they talked about anything interesting. "Yeah, actually. He is a cool kid. He's going to help me write some letters... maybe even a journal," he explained.

She was shaking her head as he complimented her, which made his brow furrow a little. She said she couldn't plan for the future because her plans never work. He frowned even more. Until she added the last part, about seeing where life took her. That was actually a good philosophy. "I think I'll do that same," he said softly. "With death, I mean. See where it takes me. There's got to be something I can do to contribute," he suggested, not meaning to change the conversation to himself.

@dominique

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He smiled. Granted, it was a small smile, but Dom was glad that he wasn't pushing her away again. Little victories. She nodded as he said he could accept her reasons for that. She smiled back, her smile widening when he talked about how Seamus was going to help him. "That's very nice of him," she said, "but I'm not really surprised he'd offer to help you with that. He's really nice, even though he's a little shy." She was glad that Seamus was willing to help Ethan out with things like letters or journals.

Dom wasn't surprised when Ethan shook his head at her. He never liked it when she was sad or upset, which was one of the reasons they'd grown so close. She wasn't upset often, but when she had been growing up, he'd always been there to cheer her up. She looked at him curiously when he said he'd do the same and then nodded as he explained. "I'm sure that would be good for you, and that there are plenty of people for you to help." She hesitated. Graduation was looming nearer and she had a question she wanted to ask. "If I get permission, would you mind if I came back and visited you after graduation? Like, during the summer and probably after?" She didn't know why she felt so nervous to ask him this, but she did. Ethan just got back and must feel so alone and she wanted to be there for him if she could.

@ghostethan

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She said that was nice of Shay and Ethan nodded. "I was shy for a long time," Ethan reminded her. His first three years of school mostly he kept to Ravenclaw House and the Library and the Pitch. He didn't really start making friends and being interested in people until his fourth year. "It's nice of him to offer that even though he barely knows me," Ethan added.

Dom said that there were people to help him and he nodded, but didn't press it. Then she asked if she could visit during the summer and after. He didn't realize how good that offer made him feel and he nodded before her question was even over and done with. "Dommi I would love that," he said, his breath catching in his throat a little, not that he really had breath. "Especially when everyone I know has graduated... if I haven't 'moved on' by then... It'll be nice to have a friend. Maybe some day you or someone else I know could be a professor," he chuckled, "and I'll be beautiful at seventeen forever," he joked, but his tone was sad.

@dominique

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Dom smiled when Ethan mentioned that he was shy as well, but that didn't last long. Her smile turned into a smirk. "Not around me, you weren't," she commented, proud of that fact. From the very beginning, Ethan had been a good friend. He was the one who helped her feel comfortable in Ravenclaw, without her family in the same house. "Being shy isn't a bad thing either," Dom added. "He likes to help people." That was one of the things that helped her and Seamus become friends in the first place. He actually cared and tried to help her when she was struggling. 

Ethan nodded, his initial response to her question and Dom couldn't help but sigh in relief. She thought he would want her to visit, but at the same time a part of her wondered if he wanted her to leave, if maybe it would be easier for him as a gift if she wasn't there. She smiled at him. "Oh good," she frowned at his words about being alone in the castle, unless someone he knew worked there. She gave a soft smile, "I hope you find a way to move on, Ethan. I can't imagine you in that castle forever." Dom paused, realizing how that sounded. "I mean, I don't want to get rid of you. I'm so glad I can see you again. I just want you to be happy and ... I want us to be friends again, Ethan. I know things have ... changed, but you're here and I miss my best friend." She bit her lip. "And maybe I can help you somehow, just like I'm sure you'll be able to help me with things." She hoped he saw things the way she did, but at least he wouldn't mind her visiting. Now she just had to get permission from the headmistress. She should be able to do that, hopefully.

@ghostethan

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Dom said he wasn't shy around her and he chuckled. She added that being shy wasn't bad, at that Shay liked to help people. Ethan nodded, "we seem to have a lot in common. Helping people. Not being shy around the beautiful Dominique Weasley," he gestured toward her, then was annoyed for a short moment that he couldn't even touch her. "Too bad you'll be graduating. I hope I can keep him company," Ethan added. He knew it would be hard enough for himself with Dom gone.

She smiled, which was a win in itself. She said she hoped she could find a way for him to move on and then he chuckled as she tried to correct herself. "I'm not sure there is much more you can do to help me aside from being there to talk to when you can. We can write, too, with Shays help. So if you have any secrets you want to keep from him I'll have to find another scribe," he chuckled. He doubted Dom would have secrets from a close friend of hers, though. "Don't worry about me, Dom. I'll be happy. I know it. I have a lot of friends who still need me," like Quinn.

@dominique

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Dom laughed softly as Ethan agreed with her, repeating the similarities between him and Shay. "You're both wonderful," she answered. Then he mentioned her graduation and her smile darkened a little. Thinking about her future was hard, since Dom still had no idea what she wanted to do with herself. No idea what job field she wanted to go into. Nothing. 

Ethan didn't make fun of her for her blunder and Dom found herself relieved by that. She felt comfortable talking to Ethan, until the fact that he was a ghost came into the conversation. She didn't know how to cope with that. She nodded, "I'll come when I'm not busy, and I'd love it if we could write." She chuckled a little as he teased her and then answered, "No, I think Seamus is pretty good. He knows more about me than most people, so he might as well know more of my secrets." Honestly, she wouldn't mind Seamus learning more about her and if someone had to be a scribe for Ethan, she'd rather him. She nodded at Ethan's reassurance, "I know you will be." She just wished she could guarantee the same thing for herself. 

She sighed, "I should probably be getting back to the castle. Wanna come with me?" He didn't have to, but the end of term was coming and Dom should probably start studying for exams or something. Even though she definitely wasn't in the mood for that.

@ghostethan
(you can end if you want ...)

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Dom said both he and Shay were wonderful and if he had any color in his skin she would see a blush. "Thanks, Dommi," he said softly and sweetly. And sadly, too. She said she would come when she wasn't busy and would write, chuckling as she said Shay would be fine to read their letters. "Then it's settled, Seamus will help us write next year. And over the summer... well, you'll just have to come visit," he said with a nod.

She said she knew he'd be happy, then said she should be heading back to the castle. He shook his head, "I want to stay out a bit longer. Head back, I'll see you soon, k?" he said, his brow furrowing a little in concern, "kinda wish I could hug you goodbye. Okay, not kind of," he chuckled, "I got an idea!" he lifted a hand to his lips, kissed it, and blew her a kiss, "that can be our thing, what do you think?"

@dominique
(sorry, you have to do another hahah)

[Deleted]

She confirmed his comment with a nod. "I'll come. Don't worry about it." And she would. Even though Dominique Weasley definitely was not known for her planning abilities (she much preferred to be spontaneous with the things she did), she would definitely make sure to plan time to come and visit Ethan. She didn't want him alone here all break and she really did think meeting with him would help, despite what her brother thought.

She nodded again when Ethan said he wanted to stay outside a while longer. That wasn't really a surprise and she wasn't goinghb to trying and convince him to come with her. Not if he didn't want to. "See you," she answered, her expression growing slightly more serious as he said that he wished he could give her a hug. She wished she could have one of his hugs right now. Then he blew her a kiss. It was a bittersweet idea, but Dom smiled and nodded, "I think that's perfect," she told him, blowing him a kiss back. She turned and took a few steps away before turning back. "That's our thing though. You're going to have to come up with something else to do with your other friends. Got that?" She wasn't entirely serious, but at the same time, she liked the idea of having something with Ethan that only they did. So much of the things they used to do got taken away when he died, it'd be nice to have one now.

@ghostethan
(... end? Unless you want one more, haha)