this thread is gay

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introduction

What is the purpose of This Thread is Gay?
This Thread Is Gay is meant to be an educational resources for members of Alohomora regarding the LGBTQ+ community. It is not a 'how-to' guide for how to write LGBTQ+ characters, because just as with every type of character, there is no "right" way to write them. This Thread is Gay is in no means comprehensive, as there are different viewpoints on nearly every topic covered in the thread. I encourage you to do your own research if you are looking at playing an LGBTQ+ character or otherwise involving yourself in LGBTQ+ issues, or even if you're not - knowledge is power, after all.

Who writes This Thread is Gay?
Right now, I, Puck, am the sole author if This Thread is Gay. However, I am doing my best to consult other members of the LGBTQ+ community, both on Alohomora and off, in order to make sure that this thread reflects more than just my viewpoint on the various issues herein.

What makes you qualified to write about LGBTQ+ issues?
I identify as bisexual, and have many friends and colleagues in the LGBTQ+ community. I guess those aren't stellar credentials, but most of the issues discussed in this thread do affect me personally, so I consider myself knowledgeable about them. 

What if I have a question you haven't answered?
This thread is still a large, large work in progress, and in all likelihood you will have unanswered questions. There are two main things you can do about it. One: Google it yourself. Like I mentioned earlier, knowledge is power. I am by far not the first person to write on this topic, and chances are that if you have a question, Google can answer it. It's also a great way to practice taking initiative for yourself - after all, it shouldn't be someone else's responsibility to make sure you're well informed - that's all on you. Two: send me (Puck) a PM or Discord message. If it's a question you think should be included in This Thread is Gay for other members to read, please send it to me in a PM. If it's a question specific to you or your character, feel free to message me on Discord. Obviously, there are other ways you can get information about LGBTQ+ issues, but those are probably the most ubiquitous and least labor intensive.

What can I find in This Thread is Gay?
sex and gender
coming out

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sex and gender
A quick note: due to Proboard's Terms of Service, I am being slightly ambiguous with some terminology in an effort to stay below the PG-13 rating. I apologize if this causes undue confusion.

What is the difference between sex and gender?
Sex is, to put it crudely, what's between your legs. Your sex is determined at birth. Gender is not determined at birth, and can change throughout your life - it is your perception of who you are and where you fit on the gender spectrum. Neither sex nor gender is a binary - there are more than two options for both of them.

Wait - you said sex isn't a binary?
Yes, that's correct. We often think of sex as an either/or situation, but intersex people can and do exist. Intersex people are people that do not fit the standards for either male or female bodies. Being intersex has various causes, from trisomy in the sex chromosomes to the hormonal balances in the mother at the time the fetus was growing. Being intersex is not horribly common, nor is it horribly uncommon. Some cite the incidence of intersex births as high as 1.7% of all live births, but a more accurate figure is probably 0.018% of all live births - that is, 18 of every 1000 live births. (source)

Can you explain to me what different gender identities are?
Cisgender: a person who identifies as the same gender that society assigns them upon their birth
Transgender: a person who identifies as a gender different from the one that society assigns them upon their birth
Bigender: a person who identifies as two or more genders simultaneously
Agender: a person who identifies as no gender
Demigender: a person who identifies as a gender, but not strongly
Genderfluid: a person who identifies as multiple genders, and whose perception of their own gender changes
Genderqueer: a person who does not identify as cisgender, but does not choose to specifically identify with another gender identity

What do you mean when you say gender is fluid?
Gender is not something that you're locked into for life. Your perception of yourself can (and likely will) change as you have different life experiences. Someone who identifies as female might not always identify as female. This is not to say that someone's gender identity must change over their lifetime - simply that changing your gender or gender expression is a valid choice to make. There's a distinct line to be drawn between fluidity and 'a phase'. The term 'phase' is often used to invalidate the experiences of the LGBTQ+ community, and should be avoided at all costs. Even if someone switches their gender identity from male, to female, back to male, their experience as a female is real, and the implication that it was just something they went through is harmful.

What are preferred gender pronouns?
Preferred gender pronouns (or PGP) are a way for people to assert their gender and have people call them with pronouns that are in line with how they see themselves. There are a variety of preferred gender pronouns, ranging from the 'traditional', such as she/her/hers, to the 'obscure', such as xe/xem/xir. It is important to use someone's preferred gender pronouns if they ask if of you, as that is a part of respecting their identity.

What if I mess up someone's preferred gender pronouns?
Apologize, correct yourself, and move on. Don't make a big deal about how you're 'not that kind of person'. This is not about you, and harping on the issue only draws more attention to the slip up. However bad you feel about mixing up someone's pronouns, they likely feel worse, as there is a great deal of shame and self-doubt that comes with being misgendered. Granted, this isn't true for everyone, but an apology is never amiss. If you feel like you need to make an apology that lasts longer than a few seconds (for instance, if you repeatedly mess up someone's pronouns in the same conversation), wait for the conversation to reach a lull or end, and then give your more in-depth apology, preferably when you're alone with that person. Someone's preferred gender pronouns should be used all the time - not just when you're with them. If you're continuing to struggle with pronouns, consider practicing on your own time.

What do I do about preferred gender pronouns when someone isn't out yet?
Ah, this question is a tough one. I'll be talking more about coming out and being outed later in this guide, but suffice it to say, if someone is not out to a group of people, you should use their old pronouns when speaking with that group. I know this directly contradicts with what I said earlier, but a part of respecting someone's identity is respecting who they wish to be out to. If you're not sure who a person is out to, ask - it's better to be clear than to accidentally out someone.

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coming out

What does it mean to be "out"? What are other terms that relate to coming out?
Being "out" means that someone is open about their gender expression or sexuality. For example, I am out as bisexual - those who know me with any sort of familiarity know that I am bisexual, and it is not an identity that I try to hide. The opposite of being out is being in the closet. A common expression is also "having one foot in the closet" - that is, being out to some or most people, but being in the closet with a certain group of people.

How does a person come out?
The simplest way to come out is to state "I am [insert identity here]." Obviously, not all situations demand that kind of candor, and so coming out can happen in a variety of situations or in a variety of ways. When I was coming out to my friends, I sat down with them and had a conversation with them about it. When I was coming out to others in my social circle who I feared would be less accepting, I sent them a text message about it, so that if they were angry or upset I wouldn't have to deal with it face-to-face. One of my friends baked her mother a "gay cake" (a rainbow cake with rainbow icing and the words 'I am gay' written on it). It doesn't always have to be a somber affair, but it often is due to the weight coming out sometimes carries.

Why would someone choose not to come out?
A lot of factors going into choosing who to come out to, and when. A large factor of coming out is safety - there are some people who cannot come out because their parents or other legal guardians don't approve, and they would be kicked out of their home if they were to come out to their parents or guardians. LGBTQ+ people are also commonly the victims of hate crimes, so being out in a place that is anti-LGBTQ+ could lead to physical harm, or even death. Even if people aren't extremely homophobic and a person doesn't fear for their physical safety, there is still social rejection to consider. Many people will cut off friendships because they don't approve of the "gay lifestyle" or because they worry that their friend might see them as a potential romantic interest, and that makes them uncomfortable.

Another factor to not coming out could be being unsure of their own identity. It is difficult to come out when you have no label to attach to your attraction, and since people commonly call alternate sexualities a phase, there can be a lot of pressure to find one label that fits right and stick to it. The rigidity can make coming out nerve-wrecking, because you want to make sure you have the "right" label. Other people choose not to come out for other, more personal reasons. Some people may feel as if it is not the world's right to know who they prefer to have relationships with, which is another valid choice. Still others may feel as if it is not their duty to come out, and that others should not assume that everyone is heterosexual until proven otherwise. These are only a few reasons why people may choose not to come out. Ultimately, it is the choice of each individual to decide who they want to be out to.

What does it mean to be outed?
Being outed is being forced to come out against your will, or someone else openly stating your position in the LGBTQ+ community to people you are not comfortable with sharing with. Being outed can be as small as one person being told that you are LGBTQ+ (which can sometimes happen accidentally), or as large as your entire social network finding out (which is not often accidental). Being outed is a deeply personal and deeply painful experience. While I claimed this was not a 'how-to' guide on writing LGBTQ+ characters, I would highly suggest that you not try a plot where a character is outed unless you have experience with it yourself. 

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sexuality
coming soon.