i wish i had started younger [cara]

[Deleted]

Being away from Hogwarts made Zytka antsy. She couldn't explain the itchiness that she felt when she was too far from the castle, so she wrote it off as just being nervous to interact with people who weren't at least a decade her junior or her coworkers. A part of her wondered if the discomfort was due to the soul magic that she had wrapped around parts of the school, but she had never felt anything like these jitters before. She wasn't even out of the school for any particular errand - the walls had just suddenly seemed horribly claustrophobic and Hogsmeade wasn't far enough away anymore. Zytka was beginning to wonder if she had made a mistake in getting tangled up in the Purifiers. If she wanted to, there were places that she could go where Elaine would never find her. Africa was vast, and despite Elaine's network of spies, it would be easier to disappear there. There weren't enough wizards in the world to scour all of the villages in Uganda, let alone all of the villages in Africa. Zytka knew that making an escape plan would be premature, especially since leaving the world behind would mean leaving Diana at Elaine's mercy, but it was something that she had in the back of her mind in case the worst happened. Trying to have a peaceful walk, Zytka noticed, was near impossible when you were planning fleeing from the country, so she tried to put the subject out of her mind as she continued her stroll.

[cara june bainbridge]

@zytka

Supplies were necessary for writing a novel. Cara hadn’t thought she was going to be low on pens and notebooks anytime soon, but here she was now, completely out of paper and onto her final pen that had yet to be anxiously chewed on. That was a nasty habit that she really needed to break soon. It had never happened with her quills in school, though the odd pencil did have teeth marks in it. She had always convinced herself that gnawing on a pen or pencil was better than biting her fingernails while trying to think of what to write, so the lesser of two evils it was. She didn’t actually need to go to Horizon Alley specifically for supplies, but there was a little stationary store there that had notebooks with cute designs she liked on them. Technically she only needed a black and white marble composition notebook from the local convenience store. The problem with that though was that eventually she had dozens of the same looking notebooks, each labeled by number and impossible to discern one from the next. With different colors and designs, she knew which ones were more recently worked on. The goal was to get a few new ones for the family trip coming up. It would be her one distraction from her siblings while they were all wedged together on the car ride and in the tiny beach house they were staying in. And maybe she would finally discover what her story was going to be about. So far nothing had come from that.

Staring down at her miniscule list scribbled out on a corner of one of her notebook pages, Cara turned a corner in the alley and sidestepped around a person, only looking up in time to see a familiar face ahead of her. Professor Kamuntu. Cara had never personally taken a class with her, but she knew a lot about Ancient Runes because Diana was always going on about it, when she did decide to talk about things she enjoyed. Which was rare these days. Looking down at her list once again, Cara decided that it wouldn’t take her too long to pick up the supplies, so a little distraction wouldn’t hurt. That was if the professor was fine with it. “Hello Professor…” Cara said, leaving it at just that. She didn’t know of how else to talk to her aside from discussing Diana, and her twin wasn’t exactly a conversation opener most of the time.

[Deleted]

Zytka had been hoping to escape from reminders of Elaine and the Purifiers, but it looked as if the universe had different plans for her. If there was one thing that reminded her uncomfortably of her wavering allegiances, it was mention of Diana Bainbridge, and of course Diana and her twin were… not linked, exactly, because they were two very different people, but it was difficult to see Cara and not to think of Diana. Zytka doubted that she would have even recognized the former Ravenclaw if she hadn’t had the relationship she did with Diana’s twin. Zytka wracked her brain, trying to remember if Diana had ever mentioned anything about her sister’s ambitions after graduation, but lately, Zytka and Diana had been discussing anything but her family. Zytka would have been fine with that – it wasn’t like she had much of a family to speak of in return – but the reason they had been steadfastly ignoring the topic of Diana’s family was because it was dangerous to show affection for anyone but Elaine and her followers. As far as Zytka knew, Diana was the only one of her plethora of siblings who had sworn her allegiance to Elaine… but there were always surprises lurking in the dark.

Cara greeted her, and Zytka offered a small smile – smaller than normal, but she was worried if she tried to force it any wider, then it would look fake. And fake smiles inspired questions, and Zytka would rather not tell even more lies than she already had to. “Hello, Cara.” She was glad that, despite knowing little about Diana’s twin, she at least knew the girl’s name. “How has life after graduation been treating you?” That was an easy question to ask, and likely the one Zytka would ask any of the recent graduates if she happened upon them. She wanted to say something more, but it was difficult given that all she knew about Cara was through Diana, and she doubted anyone wanted to be asked about their siblings ahead of themselves.

cara june bainbridge

[cara june bainbridge]

@zytka

Cara knew she shouldn’t have been surprised that the professor would know her name, but it still felt off. They had never really interacted before, aside from maybe once or twice when she was going to collect Diana from Ancient Runes. Collect wasn’t a good word for that. It had been more like forcefully dragging her away from the classroom. For how similar they were supposed to be, they were still vastly different from one another, and for the life of her, Cara couldn’t see what was so damn interesting about Ancient Runes. She actually had no idea what the class was about, having never really been invested in what Diana was doing of her own volition. “Good to see you,” she responded after the professor addressed her. This was strange. She had never encountered a professor outside of the castle or Hogsmeade, and of course it had to be after graduating and with one that she had never had. Thinking back on it, it may have been easier for her to have just kept walking. Now she was going to jump into a somewhat meaningless conversation.

The professor asked how her life had been since graduation, and Cara shrugged. “Quite shit, actually,” she stated. There was no reason to lie about any of it. Things weren’t terrible, but they also weren’t unbelievably great either. Being stuck in writer’s block limbo was the sort of purgatory that she had never thought was possible. Yet here she was. “I’m trying to write a novel,” Cara started to explain, “but it’s starting to look like I’m in over my head a bit.” She shrugged again. Trying to put it any other way wouldn’t do it any justice. Clearly this was a problem that only she could overcome, but at the same time it was like her head didn’t want to. How was she supposed to put anything into words when her head space was all over the place? “But we have a family vacation coming up soon, so I’m hoping that’s the break I need. Trying to jump into writing right after school probably wasn’t the best mentally. How about you? Glad to be rid of all of us for a few months?”

[Deleted]

The Bainbridge girl said that it was good to see her, which surprised Zytka slightly. Even if it was only politeness dictating that Cara say what she did, it was still strange to think that her former students – and Hogwarts students that she had never taught – would actually be pleased to have an interaction with her once it was no longer required by their school schedules. “You, as well.” Zytka answered back, on auto-pilot. Even if she thought it was strange, she was going to be damned if she turned away the small gift that Cara had offered in the form of her words.

The professor had to hold back a surprised laugh when the Ravenclaw said that life after graduation had been treating her like shit. “I’m sorry to hear that.” Zytka responded. More details were forthcoming – Cara had been trying to write a novel, and presumably it wasn’t going well, considering the girl said she was in over her head and it was making her adult life, in her words, quite shit. Zytka would never attempt to write a novel of her own; between English not being her first language and her lack of general creativity, it wasn’t something that she was called towards. But if someone did choose it as their calling, and then they couldn’t write, Zytka could see how it would be frustrating. “I’d imagine you’re pushing your brain quite hard.” Zytka commented. Going straight from classes to novel writing meant that Cara’s brain hadn’t had a lick of rest, and sometimes that was all that was needed to be more productive. Cara asked how Zytka was doing, immediately following with a question about whether or not she was glad to be rid of all of the students. “Quite the opposite.” Zytka responded. “I find the castle gets a bit lonely without any students in it.” It was a big place, and it felt bigger without all the extra people filling it. “And I need something to occupy my time without students to teach.” Zytka just didn’t know what the ‘something’ to fill her days was going to be.

cara june bainbridge

[cara june bainbridge]

@zytka

“As was I when I finally realized what I was getting myself into,” she shrugged. She should have seen it coming months ago. There had been plenty of signs. The second her studying had been put on hold to start working it had all started to collapse around her. That perfect little idea – to write a novel coming right out of school – was starting to look like a pipe dream that was unattainable. If she had known that it was going to turn out like this, she would have approached it from a different angle. School and exams would have been done like they normally were, then graduation would come, the family vacation, and after that lovely break from writing seriously, she would get back into it. Instead she took the toughest route possible, and as the professor pointed out, was pushing her brain way too hard. Cara knew she had potentially screwed herself over. She had known for a few months now. But that glimmer of hope was still there every now and again, and she was tricked by it each and every time. It knew how to bait her in and then leave her there to drown in her thoughts.

The professor snapped Cara out of her self-pity and explained how the castle was during the summer. Lonely sounded nice to her thought. Then she wouldn’t have any idiots getting in her way while walking through the halls. “I can imagine,” she said, betraying her thoughts. “So you shop in your free time? Or is this just an escape for a few hours?” In her own case, it was both, though she was also supplying herself with more reasons to keep writing whatever the hell her story was supposed to be. Using the professor’s company as a distraction would help for a few hours though. Keep her away from that cursed pen and empty sheets of paper.

[Deleted]

Zytka offered Cara another sympathetic smile when she said that she was also sorry once she had realized what she was getting herself into. Zytka might have offered an anecdote about her own adolescence, but she rather thought that talking about how she had lost her guardians, moved to a new country, and learned a new language might have seemed more like trying to compete with Cara than trying to commiserate with her. The girl definitely seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, and Zytka didn’t blame her. The real world was not a fun place to be sometimes.

Cara asked if she shopped in her free time, and Zytka offered a small shrug. “Not shopping so much as walking.” Shops were an interesting place to walk, though, because there was always something to pull her attention – a flash of color in a window or a person bustling by or a small child crying. Zytka had been hoping that it would be busier so that she’d have even less time to be lost in her own thoughts, but if there was anything that she had learned recently, it was that the world did not bend to her plans. “I guess escape is a good word.” Zytka offered, voice still noncommittal. Hogwarts wasn’t her prison as much as Elaine was, and the woman was not as easy to escape as four walls were. “I thought that by the summer I would decide whether or not I would want to leave Hogwarts permanently, but I don’t have much of a choice.” Zytka said. She hadn’t spoken much about how she had wanted to leave the school to pursue a career in dancing, but there was just a hint of sadness in her voice at the thought of an unlived dream. Even though Cara was miserable at the moment, eventually she would find peace in the fact that she was doing what she had always wanted to.

cara june bainbridge

[cara june bainbridge]

@zytka

Cara returned the professor’s smile with one of her own; though if she were to be honest, it was probably extremely depressing looking. It felt like it was. She knew that interpreting something visually was not comparable to how one actually felt, but she was sure that this was one of those times where they were synonymous with one another. At the same time, she didn’t want the professor to pity her for a mistake she had made on her own. Writing this novel was her own war. Cara was willing to accept help when it came to story structure and planning out ideas, but the uphill battles that were waged daily inside of her head were all her. Placing that sort of mental hurdle on someone else wasn’t what she wanted to do at all. It wouldn’t be fair to either party. In that sense, she was grateful that the professor seemed to understand where she was at in life, and the conversation revolving around her writing career was seemingly dropped. That kind of thing had a habit to pop back in without a moment’s notice though, so Cara was sure this wouldn’t be the last time they discussed her hopes and dreams today.

Walking to escape seemed strange; then again, Cara wrote to escape. When she couldn’t do that, she was commonly found barking at her siblings to do things her way, and if they weren’t around, some poor, unsuspecting first year fresh out of an exam that had been a hundred times too difficult for them, became her target. Sometimes she regretted badgering those ones the way she did her sisters, but it was their fault for not walking away once it started. The ones that did were at least smarter than Kinsey had ever been. She always sat there and took it, then tried to send it back, never succeeding. Whether or not something similar happened to the professor if she didn’t get her walking in, Cara assumed she probably didn’t want to know either way. The teachers at Hogwarts were tasked with leading young minds towards success with magic; there was no way that was easy to do. She knew she would probably strangle a child or two if she was placed in the same situation. It was practically inevitable.

When the professor brought up that she had been thinking about making a decision concerning her job at Hogwarts, Cara raised an eyebrow. “Of course you have a choice,” she said bluntly. “I don’t know about you Professor, but I’d want to leave too if I had to deal with the majority of those students. Not that I’m one to talk…” Maybe if she had taken Ancient Runes and done well in it like Diana had, she would have been able to have more to say about the subject at hand. Even then, there was no guarantee that she would have been good at it like she had with a few of her classes. The possibility of it being one of the ones she would have struggled in was high. That was partially the reason she had never attempted it in the first place.

[Deleted]

Cara said that of course she had a choice about her job at Hogwarts, and Zytka chuckled. If she was just a professor, she would wholeheartedly agree, but she was far beyond a professor – not just in the sense that she was the deputy headmistress, but also in the sense that she was Elaine’s plant, and she doubted that the leader of the Purifiers would take kindly to Zytka quitting to find greener pastures. The young woman was concerned with accruing as much power as humanly possible, and she expected her followers, whether they were willing to not, to help her to that end. Sacrificing power for personal pleasure that the very opposite of what Elaine would want Zytka to do. Zytka chuckled again, louder, when Cara said that she would want to leave too if she had to deal with some of the students at Hogwarts. “Some of them are rather… difficult, yes.” Zytka was lucky that she taught an elective class; most of the people who ended up in her class genuinely wanted to be there, so she had fewer behavioral problems than the teachers in the core classes, who had to teach the entirety of the school, even students that weren’t necessarily interested in the subject at hand. “The thing about teaching is that for every horrible student you have, you also get a brilliant one.” Sometimes they were both at the same time. Cara’s sister for example, was one of the worst-behaved students in the school for her first months in Zytka’s class, intentionally seeking information Zytka had said was forbidden. But Diana was also brilliant, and that brilliance had deserved to be nurtured. “I suppose I just need some time to recharge.” Burnout was very real, which was part of the reason why summers were a good time to be a teacher. Resting and regaining the energy lost was imperative to a successful school year.

cara june bainbridge

[cara june bainbridge]

@zytka

The chuckle that was elicited from the professor meant that she had hit the nail on the head, or at least that was what Cara was going to go with. It fit her narrative better that way. Similar to how she was always right around Kinsey, even if she was completely in the wrong. That sort of confirmation probably didn’t help when it came to her ego, but she knew when to keep it check, which was basically only when she didn’t have the time or energy to get into a lengthy debate. Having the professor agree with her in this manner also proved that she had been in the right a lot of times while at school; students were difficult idiots, and they placed an enormous strain on the professors. Anyone with a brain could see how the younger students (and Merlin, some of those rowdy Gryffindors too) tied up the teachers and kidnapped all of their zeal. There was a reason that the History of Magic professor was a ghost. The combined power of a dull subject and students falling asleep for the last millennia would do that to almost anyone. Cara desperately wanted to tell the professor that she didn’t need to be reminded that some of the students were difficult, but she kept her mouth shut. Seeing it from a teacher’s perspective had to be more exhausting because their job was built on caring about how their students did in class. The annoyance that Cara had towards those same people was for her own personal reasons, and that idiots didn’t need to take away from her valuable education.

“Maybe I’m wrong, but I disagree with that,” Cara butted in following the comment about there being a brilliant student to every awful one. Totally not true at all. “There are plenty more students that don’t care about their education than ones that do. I think it’s too easy for them to get through school with little effort and then obtain a decent job upon graduating, so there isn’t an incentive to do the absolute best that you’re capable of.” She had seen it plenty of times even amongst her own housemates. This wasn’t the pot calling the kettle black, even if some saw it that way. “It gets frustrating putting time and effort into something, just to find out that minimal effort would have worked too.” Cara realized how personal that sounded, and continued, hoping the professor wouldn’t have time to catch it. “But that’s what I’ve heard from friends that actually do struggle and put all their time into it to do better.”

She nodded her head as the professor said she needed time to recharge. That made sense. Similar experience to what she was currently going through, actually. Cara had already briefly covered the point about going from school right into writing not being the best idea in the world – she was sure that there would be a breaking point in her story eventually. It was bound to happen. There were years and years of short stories she had written already. Going up a step to a novel wouldn’t kill her, and she had all the time in the word to do it. An infinite amount of time was more useful than she had originally given it credit for. “And once September rolls around, you’ll have to deal with a whole new group of first years. I don’t envy you in the slightest.” Having Kinsey for a sister was basically as bad, if not worse, than dealing with first years.