This Is A Worthwhile Fight (Karen)

[Deleted]

@karen

Brandon was finally out. Out of the hospital, where he spent the last three weeks being cared for since the attack. He was glad to be out, he really was. He moved in with his friend Karen, like they planned months ago, and being with her was a nice change from being with all the healers. Still ... Brandon was broken. Rosie left, went to America a short while ago, wanting to explore and try something new, which he understood. After watching him and visiting him in the hospital for almost a month, it made sense that she'd want to get out. But she hadn't told him until she was already gone and that hurt.

The worst part was that Brandon wasn't healed enough to comfort himself with his music. Sure, he could move, but not the way he wanted. He couldn't play the piano or his guitar. He knew that for a fact. He tried. In fact, he spent the last half hour trying to play his guitar. The half hour before that he was trying with the piano. He failed. As he struggled to play both the piano and the guitar, his fingers twitched and jerked and he couldn't hold any chords the way he was supposed to. He sounded like a child that just got an instrument for Christmas and was messing around with it before his parents got him into lessons. He couldn't play music and that fact ate at him deeply. Who was Brandon without his music? Everything was falling apart.

Now he found himself sitting on the floor beside both the piano and his guitar sobbing uncontrollably. He should get up and find something productive to do, but what was the point? He felt listless, directionless and just so empty. How was he supposed to fill this void? He picked up the guitar again, trying for a moment to make a simple chord and strum it, but his fingers would not cooperate. He hugged the instrument to his chest, his tears intensifying.

[Deleted]

Karen had been at work, but decided to leave early. Brandon had only moved in yesterday, and she was worried about him. She saw the way he eyed that piano and guitar when they moved it in. She knew he was hurting, and felt terrible that she couldn't do anything about it. She watched him falling apart, and had no idea how to put him back together. Heck, she couldn't even put herself together, how could she help her best friend?

She was came home, carefully opening the door and stepping inside. Immediately she heard the sound of sobbing. She dropped her bag on the floor in a hurry, shutting the door behind her. The sound was coming from Brandons room. She took in a deep breath, bracing herself as she walked down the hall.

His door was open, and he was holding his guitar close to his chest. Karen felt a deep ache in her chest and slowly moved forward, sitting down beside him on the ground and gently wrapping and arm around his shoulders. She gave him a squeeze. "I know, B. I know," she said softly.

@brandon

[Deleted]

@karen

Brandon didn't even notice when Karen got home. At least, he didn't notice until he felt someone giving him a side hug. He leaned closer to her, trying to release the guitar but unable to. It was like ... a piece of who he was before, the person that he felt was slipping through his fingers, no matter how hard he tried to catch him. He shook his head, crying harder than before now that he wasn't on his own. He wasn't normally one to cry, especially in front of people, but this was Karen, his closest friend. He didn't have to hide himself from her. "I can't do this. It's ..." he broke off, turning to cry into her shoulder when he realized he couldn't explain. He couldn't make the words come.

[Deleted]

He was shaking his head and crying even harder, claiming that he couldn't 'do this". It was too hard. She knew what he meant. He'd lost friends and classmates, and people were horrible to lose -- but he had lost even more than that. It was hard to explain to someone in this much horror that the pain would end and he would get what he needed back. He would be able to play again, she knew it, but the process was hard and telling him that it would be all right was pointless in a moment like this.

Karen wasn't a singer or musician of any kind, at least she didn't think so, but something compelled her then to start singing. She kept her arm around his shoulders and placed the other on his knee, the sound starting to come out, almost against her will.

"We watch the season pull up its own stakes and catch the last weekend of the last week. Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart, You have stolen my heart.

Invitation only, grand farewells. Crash the best one, of the best ones. Clear liquor and cloudy-eyed, too early to say goodnight...

You have stolen my heart, You have stolen my heart.

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration. One good stretch before our hibernation. Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well. Sleep well."

@brandon
(stolen by dashboard confessionals)

[Deleted]

@karen

Karen didn't say anything to his words, but Brandon didn't really expect her to. What could she say? He knew he was probably overreacting and that he should at least try to contain his emotions in some way, but how was he supposed to do that? He didn't have any way to release his inner turmoil. At least when he lost Callisto he had his music ... now Rosie was gone. His feelings for her were much stronger than his feelings for Callisto were (since he actually had a relationship with her), but she was gone and he didn't have his music anymore. His music ...

He was blessedly distracted from thinking about his music when Karen started singing. She seemed a little hesitant, but she sang and sang and Brandon felt himself calming down a little bit. The tears were still falling, but now it was silently and he was only trembling a little bit. He closed his eyes and just listened, focusing more on the sound of the music than on the words. The feeling that came through her song touched him and, bit by bit, Brandon started to calm down. "Thank you," he muttered after a bit. He still didn't feel good, but at least his sadness wasn't crushing him anymore.

[Deleted]

He still cried as she sang, but it seemed to be calming him down. She was glad that it didn't make it any worse by bringing up music by singing, since music was the issue here. He thanked her when she stopped and she nodded, not saying anything for a few moments. In fact, she wasn't sure it was necessary to really say anything at all. They sat there for a while longer in mostly silence, aside from her occasionally humming another note or two. Eventually, though, she knew they would both have to get up, and a part of her felt like he probably hadn't eaten anything today - at least not since he started messing with his guitar and who knew how long he had been doing that. "Do you want to order in? Or I can cook us some fettuccine?" she suggested.

@brandon

[Deleted]

@karen

Just sitting there with Karen was soothing as well and Brandon found himself relaxing to the point that the tears finally stopped. A part of him felt slightly embarrassed that she found him in such a mess, but then again this was Karen. If he couldn't be emotional with her, then who could he? He trusted her, more than almost anyone else in his life. He wasn't going to try and push her away, even though she found him this way. She hummed every so often and Brandon focused on his breathing, trying to block out any and all other thought. His breathing wasn't something that would make him emotional, it just might give him some control, which was something he felt like he desperately needed right now. 

Karen finally spoke, mentioning food and Brandon paused, not knowing how to answer her. She wanted to know if he wanted to order food or if she should cook. He thought a moment, knowing she would do whatever he wanted right now. "Could we order something? Maybe watch a movie or something?" He needed something that would distract him from his failure at not being able to play his instruments. A movie might be able to help with that, and it was more likely to help than just sitting and watching her cook. He ducked his head after a moment, still embarrassed. "Thanks Karen," he added humbly. He didn't know what he would have done if she hadn't come to help him when she did.

[Deleted]

Brandon chose ordering something and suggested watching a movie and she nodded, squeezing him one more time before he ducked his head and muttered his thanks. She leaned toward him and kissed the top of his head, "anything for you, Brandon. You know that," she said softly and seriously. Then, she peeled away from him and lifted herself to stand, holding her hand out to him. "Okay, you pick the food and I'll pick the movie?" she suggested. They were the best of roommates, really, and they hadn't even been living together that long. She felt more comfortable with Brandon than with almost anyone else, even Poet in some situations. Sure, Poe was her boyfriend, but that was different then a best friend who was practically your brother. Or, as Kara called him in their journal, their 'platonic soulmate'.

@brandon

[Deleted]

@karen

Brandon couldn't help but smile a little when Karen said she'd do anything for him. He knew she meant it and was glad that she did. With anyone else he would feel like a burden right now, but with his best friend he knew he didn't have to. "Thanks. You know I'm here for you too, right?" Not that he wanted something similarly traumatic to happen to her, but he did want to make sure she knew that he would always be here for her.


He nodded when she asked him to choose the movie and took her hand so he could get up. "Do you have any Disney movies?" he asked, feeling strangely in the mood for one of them, though he didn't know why or which one. Maybe Karen could help him figure that out. He moved over to the shelf and started looking at what he saw there. 

[Deleted]

He said that he was there for her, too, and she nodded. "I know, B," she said softly. Then she pulled him up to standing and he agreed with the plan. He asked if she had any Disney movies and she laughed. "Definitely. Kara prefers them more than I do, but I like the Pixar," she admitted, crossing to the phone. "What kind of food are you thinking?" she asked. The two of them would be a good fit for roommates, and tonight made that even more clear. They had each other, and Kara, and it was nice to have someone around she could talk to face to face that actually lived with her. It made her less... alone. Not that Karen really minded being alone, but Kara really did, so it was especially nice.

@brandon
(wanna end it? just fade into movie night? haha)

[Deleted]

This was the wonderful thing about living with Karen. She- and Kara- knew him so well and their friendship was just so natural. They were there for one another, always willing to provide support, which was something he dearly wanted now. Brandon laughed when she said she had Disney but preferred Pixar. "Alright, then I'll choose something Pixar," he told her, moving to where the movies were kept and flipping through them. "I'm good with whatever," he said in response to her question. "Do you just want to go for pizza, since it's easy?" Brandon figured she'd say yes, but knew that him making a decision would make things easier. 

Before long, the two were sitting on the couch, eating pizza and watching The Incredibles. Brandon's mood was lifted and he was glad to be living with his best friend, and even more glad that she was able to help him on days like today. She helped him see the hope and he was glad.

--- the end ---

@karen