words better left unsaid (tamara)

[Deleted]

i am my own

THEY SAID THE SERVCE WAS BEAUTIFUL; Tia didn't know how. Her brother was dead, no amount of floral arrangements or heartfelt hymn numbers was going to bring him back. Everything had changed. It didn't matter that beforehand she was lucky if she saw her brother more than twice a year. It didn't matter that the last time she'd been in the same room as him they'd argued so viciously that she'd broken a glass. What mattered was that he was dead, and she could do none of these things again. See him, fight with him, apologise to him. And while everything felt different, it was still hideously the same.

The girls were already back at Hogwarts. Tia hadn't even had time to dress in to her robes. She was still in a comfy blue sweatshirt and jeans as they ambled back on to school grounds, everything unnervingly quiet. It was a Hogsmeade day, the professors having decided it be better the girls rejoined their fellow students as quietly and fuss-free as possible. And so the student body was halfed, the rest in classes.

Turning her head as they stood upon a shifting staircase, Tia turned to her sister to look at her in profile. Tia hadn't said much of anything in the last week. Not from the moment they'd been told, or when they'd been excused home for the service. The only time she'd spoken more than two words was to express her desire to be back at school. She didn't want to fall behind, she'd said. She didn't want to be unprepared for exams. In reality, she just didn't want to sit at home with the ghost of her brother, watching her parents grieve.

Tamara had always been different, so well balanced she even grieved better than Tia. She wore it like she wore that godforsaken locket. Every time it caught Tia's eye something shrivelled in her gut. She hurt for the loss, of course, but alongside that grief bubbled something sinister; anger. And deep down Tia knew that if she did speak, if she said a single word, she might say something she'd regret. So, she stayed silent.

When they reached the forked corridor that led toward both of their respective common rooms, their guide turned with that same pitying smile. Did they need anything else? Tia shook her head. And suddenly they were alone. Well, as alone as any soul could be among a dozen moving painting. However, as the silence grew between them, even the bickering oils seemed to hold their breath.

"Well... see ya." Tia muttered dully, turning as if to walk off and leave Tamara standing alone in the corridor. The professor who had ushered them thus far had obviously assumed the sisters would desire each other's company. Tia didn't agree, she was more than prepared to part ways, her skin prickling uncomfortably. Stubborn anger and grief mixing so that it fizzed like bile in her gut. 

@tamara - i hope this is alright! beat you to it after all. xD

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

He was gone.

Utterly and fully gone, and there was nothing that Tamara could do to change that. When she first got the owl from her mother that her brother had passed away, Tamara didn’t believe it. But Tia, her twin sister, had gotten the same message from her mother. She wouldn’t lie to the both of them, would she? That was a little while ago, and the twins had been allowed to go to the service, which luckily wasn’t on a school day, but it would result in them having to return to school. The entire time that the service was happening, Tamara sat in silence next to her sister and her mother, friends, and family crying over the death of Ronan. A few hours later, the service concluded, and their goodbyes said, the two sisters had been sent back to Hogwarts as if nothing had happened. The entire route over was silent, Tamara stealing glances at Tia before they arrived at the familiar place in which they called home. Well, home away from home. Still dressed in her white cardigan with her loose-cami along with her favorite jean jacket and ankle boots with her dark wash jeans, though she knew eventually she’d have to change back into her robes.

As the two sisters, along with the guide that was before them leading them back into the school, she grasped her pendant between her fingers, a gift that she had gotten from her brother a little bit before he passed. It had been her favorite necklace, and as soon as she learned he passed, she didn’t take it off. She was in a daze, but she held her head high and tried to show that she was fine. If anymore asked, she was fine, and she’d make it as believable as possible.

By the time, she realized that they had made it to the hallway that separated in the directions of their respective common rooms, Tia was already muttering her goodbye. Tamara’s attention snapped towards her sister, someone she was close to until they came to Hogwarts it would seem, and opened her mouth. “Are you okay?” she questioned with true concern in her mouth, her eyes narrowed in on the back of her identical twin.

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@tia

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[Deleted]

i am my own

TIA WAS SET TO LEAVE, to slink away from her sister at that moment. Walking away from every rotten thing that tied them together. And maybe to get away from the sinister anger inside of her. If she just didn't see Tamara for a while, maybe eventually it would go away. But the sound of her sisters voice stopped her from walking, she felt her throat close, her mouth pull down in to a scowl.

Tia turned back slowly, pivoting on her heels before she looked around her - they were certainly alone. "That's a stupid question," Tia spat, her brows pulled together as she stood before her sister. Refraining from yelling for some reason. "RJ is dead... are you okay?" Tia wasn't really asking, she was throwing a jab. "It'd be pretty messed up if you were."

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

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Her sister snapped at her, and it took Tamara aback as if she had been slapped in the face. She stepped back, recoiling from the sudden anger that seemed to radiate from her sister, she had only asked because Tia had been quite on the way over, she didn’t want to leave her sister if she was upset. But it seemed, that even asking the simple question had set her into a fit of unnecessary rage, “I—” she began but quickly shut her mouth. “Of course, I’m not okay, bloody hell Tia, what’s gotten into your pants?” she questioned as she grew closer to her sister. They had been so close before Hogwarts; it was as if the walls of the great castle had changed them. No longer were they sister, but tolerances in each other’s lives it would seem. “I just thought – that you wouldn’t want to be alone, that was the only reason I asked. But maybe I shouldn’t have,” she breathed out in a small sigh that seemed to sting. She wanted to ask what had happened to them, what had made their relationship so shaky. It couldn’t be the fact that RJ had passed away, could it? What had she done to make her sister lash out so?

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@tia

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[Deleted]

i am my own

TAMARA RADIATED A BAFFLED WARMTH. Shocked by Tia's outburst. Her sister always seemed to be surprised when Tia lashed out. Never expecting it. It made it all the more difficult to remain angry, but time and tolerance had built and Tia was better at clinging on than she had been as a child.

So, instead of backing off, Tia stepped closer as she practically seethed. "What's got in to 'my pants' is that I was right-" Tia spat, pointing a finger. "Aren't you angry? I told him not to go, I told him what would happen!" Tia felt herself running off on a tangent, her face ruby red as she seethed. "Every time I told him, and not once did you agree with me." Tia declared, baring her teeth almost, her eyes shining. "You let them just tell me off and now he's dead!"

Stepping ever closer, Tia forgot where they were. Forgot that her sister was hurting too. "Maybe if you had just agreed with me once, maybe he'd have listened." Swallowing harshly, Tia shook her head and looked away, her jaw clenched so tight a muscle in her cheek weathered. "You just didn't wanna make him angry at you, too." Tia said, a thought which she had been thinking for some time. "And now you're wearing that stupid necklace, and the last time I saw him he was yelling at me."

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Tamara was taken aback by her sister sudden change in attitude, and she quickly shook her head. “No, I’m not angry, I’m upset! Sure, I didn’t want RJ to follow in our father’s footsteps, I didn’t want him to get hurt or worse killed, but it’s what he wanted to do!” she cried out to make her sister understand. “I agreed with you, but I also wanted our brother to be happy, just like he wants – wanted – us to be happy, don’t you understand that?” she questioned almost crying now. Her sister was hurting, and she was taking it out on her, and she hated it. What had driven them apart? What had made her sister seem so cold to her? This was deeper than RJ and his death; this was something more that had made her this way.

“He wouldn’t have listened, Tia, I know you want to believe that, but RJ was a stubborn brat, and you know it. Even if I had said aloud that I agreed with you, he wouldn’t have listened. He wanted to make mom and dad proud; he wanted to make all of us proud. He died doing what he loved the most, saving those that he loved and doing something to make the world a better place. Don’t blame his death on me not agreeing with you, that’ll just mean he died in vain…” she hissed out rather angrily. “Is this what this is about?” she questioned as she pulled the pendant forward, “You’re angry because of this?” she questioned…was Tia jealous of her close relationship with her brother?

She shook her head, “Yes—the last time you saw him he was yelling at you, but I wrote him a letter after he left and he felt so guilty, I’m sure he would have apologized to you the moment he got back, he just didn’t get the chance,” she breathed out, tears welling in her eyes. Not only was she upset over her brother’s death, but she was upset at the emotions that rushed through Tia and attacked her. She hated fighting, always had and probably always will.

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@tia

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[Deleted]

i am my own

TIA'S FACE WAS A BRIGHT RED, so hot she felt the pressure in her head as she seethed upon her sister. It wasn't fair, or smart. All that mattered was that every perfectly rational reply that came out of Tamara's mouth was more fuel for Tia's burning rage.

She felt her sister's love, her pain. It wasn't furious like Tia's. It was soft and open, like a fresh wound. It was different for Tia, she didn't understand how her sister could feel this level of grief and not hate it so much that it made her mad. It was what made them so different.

"I- I can't believe how stupid you sound, Tamara!" Tia hissed, her throat so raw from trying not to yell that it scraped horribly when she forced words from between her teeth. "'Agreed with me'?!" Tia scoffed, cruel now as she shook her head, mouth agape.

"I would much rather he was alive!" She wanted to reach out and grab at her sister but refrained, hands curled in to tight fists in front of her as she shook them. "I would rather he was miserable and alive, because then at least he'd be here." Tia's voice stuttered at that last strain and she stopped to drag in a sobbing breath, turning her face away to hiccup in to her hand before she turned back, eyes still ablaze.

" And 'doing something he loved?' He didn't even know what he was fighting for, Tia." Tia's voice had dropped a fraction of its edge but her jaw was still wound tight. "But we were here, and he wasn't, and he hated it. And then what other choice did he have, right?" Swallowing harshly, Tia ached for her privacy. Her eyes were bloodshot, her jaw aching from clenching it so tight. But Tamara brandished that locket again and Tia couldn't let it go.

Shaking her head harshly, Tia rejected the notion that her anger stemmed from jealousy. Though it many ways it did. She whipped her hand forward and smacked the locket out of Tamara's outstretched hand, not enough to break the chain but in an effort to get it out of her eye line. "It's not about that!" She lifted her hands, shaking clawed fingers as if to emphasis her point. "It's the principle! You weren't on my side then, and you aren't on my side now!" And at the truth of it Tia's face seemed to pale.

And suddenly Tia felt defeated, her shoulders rounding as she ran the back of her hand across a running nose. "See?" She pressed, shaking her head, a pressure building up behind her eyes. "He wrote you letters. He bought you gifts." Sniffing, Tia's face hardened. "You were always sweet, agreeable Tamara. So easy to be around." Lips down turned, something ugly crossed Tia's face. "I hate that about you."

Waving a hand then, Tia turned on her heels. She started to walk away. "I wanna be alone." She called, crossing her arms around her middle where a knot of pain sat. "Don't follow me!"

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Her sister’s anger was like a knife to her heart, ripping away any bit of relationship the two had left. No longer did she see her sister in the same light as she once did, no longer did her sister seem to care that Tamara loved her. “I would rather he be alive too, Tia! But things happen for a reason,” she said with a bit of annoyance in her voice, she didn’t believe that? Did she? She sounded like her mother at that moment, saying that her brother had died for a reason and it was a good one that would fuel them forever. Things happening like this wasn’t a good reason to fuel someone forward, it pushed someone back. And in this instant, it pushed her sister away from her. She needed her sister, needed her support, and it wasn’t something that she would be getting anytime soon – if ever. The moment her sister said that her brother didn’t know what he was fighting for, she stood there as if she were stupid.

Tamara and RJ had talked constantly, and she knew that wasn’t true, RJ knew what he was doing and why he was doing it. But that wasn’t something she needed to say right now; it would only push Tia’s anger further than it already was. She could tell Tia was at the breaking point, and everything she said pushed her closer to the edge.

“Just because he wrote me letters and bought me gifts, didn’t mean he loved you any less Tia. You pushed him away the moment he became a soldier, would you have even read the letters and accepted the gifts from someone that you were so against?” she questioned, knowing it to be most likely true. Tamara knew that RJ wished to write Tia, wished to send her gifts as she did for Tamara, but he believed her to be upset with him. She was taken aback when Tia said she hated the fact that Tamara was sweet, agreeable, and easy to be around because she felt like she was anything but. But before she could speak again, Tia was turning on her heels and practically begging to be left alone, demanding and ordering Tamara to not follow after her.

“Tia…Tia come on!” she called after the silhouette of her sister as it slowly disappeared into the distance, “Please—don’t leave me here alone,” she whispered almost to herself. First, she lost a brother, and now she was losing her sister…it broke her heart. But she didn’t dare follow after Tia, no she knew her sister, and if she did such a thing, it would not be pretty.

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@tia
we can end this here or you can post again, up to you!

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