memories are held breaths (rory)

[Deleted]

i am my own

SHADOWING WAS EASY WHEN THE TALKING WAS MINIMAL, Tia had decided while training at St. Mungo's. And there was no better Mediwizard to shadow than Roman Rorea William's in that respect. A sort of calmly, friendly figure, Tia had expected him to be a bit of a talker. She was... wrong. Their conversations rarely ventured further than passing tools and muttering spells. She liked it, almost liked him. The way one admires a familiar tree on a familiar walk home at night.

But at that moment, her hands were speckled with blood and for the first time since the horrid attack at Kings Cross, Tia felt herself fading. Distantly, she could hear Roman instructing her to perform the spell of Tergeo, the clear the blood from the patients open wound but it was like rushing water was in her ears. A whole ocean of crashing waves that invaded her brain and spotted her eyes with black so she couldn't see. Until she realised the black spots were from a lack of oxygen and she hadn't taken a full breath in a good few minutes, her chest aching because of it.

Reality rushed back towards her like a freight train, the sounds of St. Mungo's so loud Tia had to refrain from covering her ears. "I'm sorry, I- I can't..." Tia croaked, her head light, her mouth dry. All she could see was the red spots on her hands. Her wand was shaking so hard between her fingers that she almost dropped it. "I need a minute." She mumbled, before turning on her heels in a hurry. She couldn't breathe, why was the ward so small? There weren't enough windows in here, goddammit!

@rory

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Here he was, shadowing again. This time, Rory was working with Tia. She was a lot more quiet than most of the other people he worked with, but that wasn't a problem with Rory. Lots of healers did end up being quiet, but he appreciated her confidence and knowledge. She seemed to know what she was doing more often than not, which was something he definitely appreciated.

They were working on a patient now, Rory telling her what to do, but something was wrong. He told her a spell to perform, but she didn't do anything. Rory looked up at her, but she had a sort of blank look on her face, something he'd never seen with her. What was going on? He performed the spell himself, looking up at her and about to ask whether or not she was all right, but she spoke first. Her voice creaked as she said she couldn't and that she needed for a minute, before rushing out of the room. Rory quickly called for another healer, an experienced one. As his coworker approached him, he explained what was going on with the patient, before turning and following after Tia. 

He walked out of the room, sighing when he saw her. At least she hadn't disappeared. He approached her slowly. "Tia," he said softly. "Tia, are you okay?" he hated asking that question, when she obviously wasn't, but he needed to see if he could get her to talk, or if she was going to shut him out. This was the easiest way of being able to tell that, to his knowledge.

@tia

[Deleted]

i am my own

TIA'S NIGHTMARES RARELY FOLLOWED HER TO THE WAKING WORLD, but sometimes her mind was cruel. She hadn't expected to remember, to flashback to soot covered bodies and wounds that never seemed to stop bleeding, no matter the spell or potion. Of teens not much younger than her. The injuries were of a magnitude not easily forgotten.

But Tia prickled with shame at the fact that she had let it consume her at work. Home was one thing, in private where she could pick up the pieces of herself and slot them back together without keen eyes watching her. She had expected to be left alone, hadn't thought Roman would follow, but he did. And the sound of his concerned voice was like a bucket of ice over her head.

"I'm- I'm fine, I just need a minute." She said with her back turned, head tucked low, her voice utterly unconvincing. All she wanted was to cover her eyes, to scrub the images from behind them but her hands were still covered in blood. "Shit..." She hiccuped under her breath, face screwed as she fought off an onslaught of tears. And the closer Roman got, the more something welled inside Tia. A truth she wasn't prepared to share that day.

When he was close enough that she could see his shadow in her peripheral vision, Tia shocked them both by turning around. Spinning so fast she was almost dizzy as she looked up, face red and eyes glazed. "Do you ever think about them?" Tia gritted out, sounding almost angry, but at herself. "The attacks; do you ever think about them?" Her bloodied hands were curled in to fists and she couldn't release them, hard like rocks at her sides. "Is there something wrong with me? Because I can't stop thinking about them- the- the injured. The ones that died, even the ones that didn't!"

@rory

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

She wouldn't turn to look at him, telling him that she was fine and just needed a minute. Rory didn't believe her. He had no idea what was going on with the young woman, but she wasn't "fine" and he was more concerned than he wanted to admit. Rory didn't argue with Tia, just stepped closer, trying to let her know without speaking that he wasn't going anywhere and that he was there for her if she needed someone. She seemed hunched, almost like she was fighting off her emotions. That probably wasn't a good thing, but he was trying to be supportive, so he'd wait and see if she said anything. 

His eyes widened in surprise when she spun around quickly. Her tone was angry, but he instantly knew it wasn't directed at him, even before he comprehended what she was saying. Oh. So that's what she was upset about. He opened his mouth to answer when she clarified that she was talking about the attacks, asking if he thought about them. She spoke again before he could say anything. He shook his head when she asked if something was wrong. "No, Tia," he told her softly, yet firmly. "There is nothing wrong with you. Things like that can't easily be forgotten." He paused a moment, his memories flashing back to the attacks. At King's Cross, he'd been one of the first people on the scene, not that there was much he could do to help. By that time, the damage was already done. "Yes, I remember," he whispered. "Especially at night. That's when the memories come back strongest to me." Rory looked in her eyes, trying to make sure she understood that she wasn't alone. "Nothing's wrong with you," he repeated. He thought for a moment and then asked a question. "Are there specific things that trigger your memories?" Rory asked. He didn't want to make her continue living in the pain, but maybe if there were triggers, helping her understand them could assist her in some way. He didn't quite know how though.

@tia

[Deleted]

i am my own

TIA DIDN'T USUALLY CONFIDE IN PEOPLE. She was more of the type of person to internalise her thoughts, work through them at her own pace, in her own company. But this had been needed, her chest already felt less tight as she spoke furiously. And when he answered her, which she oddly wasn't expecting, Tia's hands unclenched.

"Yes!" She said, stepping forward with a nod, "Yes, at night I- I can barely close my eyes. It's the dark." Reaching up, Tia scrubbed the heel of her palms in to her eyes and sighed. It was such a relief to hear it from somebody else. She hadn't realised how much she had needed that. To know she wasn't going crazy.

"I know you're just being nice," Tia said with a single, gusty laugh, "but it's really good to hear that." She turned her head, looking down the hall because looking at him reared an embarrassment she wasn't ready to face. If she didn't look, it was almost as if she was talking to herself.

"I don't know.." Tia whispered, her tongue darting out to wet dry lips. "Smoke... Blood, not all the time, but when there's a lot." She sighed, rubbing her palm against her frowning forehead. "Which is really inconvenient given my job..." Shaking her head, Tia turned round as if realising who she was talking to. A healer, her superior even. "I mean- not that it stops me from doing my job, this is a totally isolated incident," she was ranting, her tone terse. "I promise it won't happen again." She knew as soon as she said that that she couldn't truly say that without a shadow of a doubt.

"I'm a good healer." Tia said strongly, crossing her arms tight over her chest. "It's just... sometimes after a long shift, when things go wrong and people get truly hurt I just..." Swallowing harshly, Tia looked at the ground for courage before looking back up. "I just forget myself for a second and suddenly I'm back there." 

@rory

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Rory got the feeling that this wasn't the kind of conversation Tia normally had with people. First of all, she seemed much more like the reserved type of person, but beyond that ... this was the kind of personal problem that one didn't confide in most. He wondered if she'd confided in anyone about her struggles with the attacks and found himself glad that he was here, that he stepped out of the room and followed her. 

He nodded when she agreed with what he said, admitting she had a hard time sleeping. "Have you tried sleeping with the lights on?" he asked softly. He hated doing that, but some nights it was necessary for his sanity and he wanted to help her, if he could. At her next comment about him just being nice, Rory shook his head, "I'm not just being nice Tia," he told her without hesitation. "Nothing is wrong with you, this is something hard to get over. You can do it though."

He let her talk about her triggers and nodded again to show he was listening. Then she started getting defensive. "I never said it's stopping you," he told her. "You do very well. I just wanted to make sure that you're paying attention and know what triggers you." That was important to moving on and he didn't want her to feel bad or self-conscious about it.

@tia

[Deleted]

i am my own

TIA FEARED SHE'D SAID TOO MUCH. It sat like a rock in her gut, but a more overwhelming feeling was relief. She had needed to get that off her chest. The cathartic release unravelling her tense shoulders for just a second. The memories were always there, it just so happened that sometimes they took over completely. Tia never usually let that happen at work. But some things you just can't control.

"I.. haven't." She admitted. Tia always slept with the lights on. But Roman seemed to speak from experience. It made Tia feel better, rather than feeling like he just felt sorry for her. A suggestion was better, more practical. "I can do it." She nodded, sobering with every second, her chest still tight but breathing was less straining.

Tia didn't let it go to her head when he told her she was doing well. Mostly because more or less, Tia knew she was doing well. But those nightmares were becoming a problem. "I usually just... try to forget." Tia revealed, smoothing a crease in her apron. She supposed that might be the problem, shoving her memories aside seemed to only make them more vicious when they returned. "Paying attention to them just makes me remember and I... I don't want to remember."

@rory

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Rory nodded when Tia said that she hadn't slept with the lights on. He couldn't tell if he was actually helping her or not, but he hoped that he was. He didn't want to make her feel bad or worried or guilty over her feelings. What he really wanted was to be able to help, but the only one in charge of that was Tia. "That might help," he answered softly.

He listened as she explained her responses to the episodes and nightmares and his eyebrows furrowed as he thought. "Maybe you need to have something else you can think of when these things come? Like a peaceful time in your life or a favorite books or something?" he suggested. "I mean, I don't think forgetting is working, since you're still struggling a bit. So maybe finding somewhere else to put your focus, something that's strong enough to block out these memories would help. Have you tried that yet?" A part of him wanted to give her a hug. He knew they were at work and that wasn't professional, but this girl was going through things that people twice her age struggled with and she didn't deserve it, though no one deserved those memories. Rory just wanted to help, in any way he could.

@tia

[Deleted]

i am my own

TIA HAD NEVER SPOKEN ABOUT THIS WITH ANYONE. Not even herself. It was something she suppressed daily, because for a long time that felt like the smartest thing to do. So that she could function, and it didn't interfere with how much she loved her job. It seemed like a small price to pay, her silence, for her career. But, like Roman said, it wasn't working any more.

With a weak smile, Tia curled a strand of hair around her hair, nodding nervously. "I was trying to do that with work," She admitted, knowing that it was perhaps a foolish and thoughtless thing to do. Possibly jeopardising her integrity as a Healer by using it as a crutch. "It's just the blood, it's- it's like a trigger." Healing did bring Tia some semblance of peace, but she couldn't rely on a bloodless patient every day. "I'll try that." She said, but with little hope. Tia wasn't sure what would help, other than powering through it, but at this rate she was desperate.

Rubbing a hand down the front of her apron restlessly, Tia took a long and much needed breath. "Thanks... Roman." She said, tilting her chin up and reapplying her brave face. She'd broken her composure around him and that was unlike her. She was starting to feel awkward because of it. Like she'd exposed herself in some way. "I'm... I'm glad it was you here-" She added, gnawing on her lip as she forced herself to be honest. "It's like... I don't know- a weight off my shoulders."

@rory  
i know she called him roman. but i figure he can correct her? so she's not calling him his proper name. if you want?

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Rory offered a small smile when she said she was trying to distract herself with work. He shrugged, hoping he didn't offend her. "Maybe you need something a little stronger? Like a good memory or something?" he didn't want to upset her, but he also didn't want her to have issues because she kept on trying to use something that wouldn't work. Then she explained that blood was a trigger. "Is blood always a trigger?" Rory asked, unable to entirely hide his concern at that. It wasn't a good thing to have as a trigger. He didn't like how hopeless she seemed. "Or maybe we can figure something out together that can help you in those situations. You're too good a healer to lose, especially since you like the work." 

She thanked him, calling him Roman and Rory shook his head, "Call me Rory," he insisted. He tried to do that with as many people as possible, but a lot of people ended up calling him Roman out of habit. Hopefully he could convince Tia before it became habit. He smiled when she was glad he was here. "I'm always here for you Tia," Rory told her honestly. "If you ever need to talk about this again, or about anything else, my door is always open." He smiled, hoping she would believe him. He meant it.

@tia

[Deleted]

i am my own

THOUGH TIA'S LIFE HAD SEEN MANY UPS AND DOWNS, she had some good memories. Most with her sister before they drifted apart. The idea of focusing on a particularly pleasing memory wasn't a bad one, and she told him that. "I've never thought to try, to be honest." She said with a shrug. It seemed such a trivial fix that she hadn't even considered it. "But I will, though hopefully not any time soon..." She said with a roll of her eyes. The thought of experiencing that panic all over again, and soon, curdled her stomach.

"I... sometimes. Not always." She admitted hurriedly, looking down at her feet. "It's not constant. I can count on one hand how many times it's happened, but it's... scary." The word caught in her throat and she forced a swallow around it before clearing it.

Though the mention of her capabilities as a healer made her look up. She flashed a brief but bright smile, nodding her head. She knew she was good at her job, but to hear it from a superior. It was the kind of validation Tia had always lived for. "I... I'd like that." She said, feeling a layer of shame slip away in favour of searching for a way to fix it. That had always been her area. Searching, experimenting. She'd just never been a subject before. "And I love the work."

However, she hadn't thought of him in a personal manner, so to hear him correct her with a nickname was strange at first. Her face pinching in to a frown while she considered it. "Rory," She finally echoed, realising that after the way that she'd confided in him, a nickname was hardly a step at all.

"I really- I appreciate that." And she said as much with sincerity. Tia didn't have a lot of confidants. Especially at work. To know that she wasn't being judged for her weaknesses. It was a relief. "Okay..." She muttered, averting her gaze awkwardly. She didn't have a lot of experience with people being so close to her. Even if only for a second. It knocked her off balance slightly. "I should go..." She whispered, drawing her lips between her teeth before she looked back at Rory and smiled.

"I- thank you for this... for everything." Her cheeks grew warm, reddening slightly under her olive complexion. "But I'd... I'd really like to get back to work now." She said with a slight laugh, blowing a long breath afterwards. 

@rory

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div

[Deleted]

Rory nodded as Tia said that she would try thinking about good memories the next time she had a hard time. He was glad she agreed to that. He didn't like the idea of her having another episode and not knowing what she could do to deal with it. He wanted to be able to help her in any way she could. 

"Okay," Rory said, more to stop the silence than anything else. "At least it's not happening on a daily basis." That would be terrible. He was proud of her for handling it so well thus far, he just didn't want her to have too many problems with her memories.

He smiled when she agreed to them trying to work together and figure out a way to figure things out. It was good that she wasn't shutting herself away. "Good. We'll definitely have to work together with it then," he said with an air of finality. He didn't want her to have any more problems than she had to and he definitely didn't want her to be alone if she had another episode.

She said his name and Rory nodded encouragingly. "That's it," he told her with a smile. Then she started to act a little awkward and Rory was sure that she was done with this conversation. He smiled at her. "Good idea. We should definitely get back. And don't worry about it, you don't need to thank me. I'm glad I was here to help." He started walking toward the door, ignoring the fact that she was blushing now. "Let's go."

@tia
(End? Or you want one more?)

[Deleted]

i am my own

FOR TIA THEIR INTERACTION HAD COME TO A NATURAL END. Though she knew deep down that having Rory there for her episode had been pivotal, a change from an old and isolated pace, she still felt the desire to distance herself. Make amends with the shift between them. From impersonal colleagues to something more... friend-like. He seemed to respect that.

As he waved off her repeated attempt to thank him, Tia allowed herself to be moved back toward the ward she had fled only a short while before. Her stomach was still knotted, but her breathing was even. She could do this. Continue to learn, to do her job. Though he didn't seem to think it was necessary to thank him, Tia did. He had shifted something in her. A new perspective on a situation Tia had been sure she could handle alone, as she did with everything.

"Back to work," She agreed, wiping residual sweat from her palms on to the front of her apron, and squaring her shoulders. She mustered an uncharacteristic smile as she passed him. 

@rory
i'm happy to end it here!

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0![/div