Let It All Out (Toby)

[Deleted]

The first day of class was almost pure torture for Kinsey Bainbridge. She somehow had to find a way to keep herself from staring at the boy who she was in love with, the boy who now found himself engaged to some girl a year younger than they were. For the past month, Kinsey was so excited for school to start, for the opportunity to spend as much time as she wanted with Riley. Ever since her falling out with Dustin and her most recent fight with Cara, the idea of seeing Riley at school was what got her through the days and weeks, sad as that might be. Now he was gone, in an instant it seemed. One moment he was hers, loved her, but now? Now he had someone else to pay attention to and Kinsey couldn't sort through all her conflicted emotions. Love, anger, rejection, disappointment, understanding, pain ... it all melded together into one emotional mess.

Halfway through the day she realized what she needed, to talk to Toby. He was a year younger than her, but Toby was, for all intents and purposes, another brother. He was shy and quiet, much like she was, and over the years the two developed a quiet but strong friendship. If there was anyone she could go to about the recent events with Riley, it was him. Also, she wanted to tell someone what happened with Dustin. She’d hoped to tell Riley once they got back to school, but if she told him now she felt like she’d only be making him feel guilty for something he hadn’t planned on doing. She didn’t want to do that, since the engagement wasn't technically his fault. It was his parent's.

So she searched for Toby at lunch. Finding him sitting with a few others, she tapped his shoulder and asked if he’d meet her outside after dinner. Now she found herself standing just outside the Entrance Hall, staring out at the grounds. She could go on a walk, but she didn’t want to go to the Pond, her favorite spot at Hogwarts. She couldn’t. That’s where she saw Riley last, where he told her the truth and she didn’t want to go back yet. Maybe later in the year.

Feeling herself get emotional, Kinsey closed her eyes and leaned against the cold stone wall of the castle. She needed to distract herself so these thoughts wouldn’t destroy her. Hopefully Toby would show up soon. Since a part of her wanted to tell him everything, she wouldn’t exactly be distracted from her struggles, but maybe she could get them off her chest, which might be even better.

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: poor kinsey bb xoxox

Toby was sitting in the Great Hall huddled around a group of Ravenclaws, enjoying a rather stimulating conversation regarding 'Would You Rather...' scenarios; one of his favorite and most dorky past times. The small group was debating whether they would rather relive the same day for 365 days or lose a year of life. Considering that one day that could be relived could potentially be the worst day of his life, relived over and over, he was pretty strong on the losing a year of life. That actually didn't sound too bad to him. Kinsey approached Toby in the middle of his meal, which slightly concerned him because he was wondering where she was the entire time, but he wasn't going to interrogate her around their housemates. He agreed to meet her outside without any explanation, quickly cleaning up his area and heading for the entrance of the Great Hall almost as soon as she walked away.

It didn't take him long to find his best friend, with a very disturbingly sad look spread across her face. Something was wrong. Which was a bit surprising since it was the first day of school. This was Tobys favorite day of the year. He loved coming back to Hogwarts after summer, feeling refreshed. Grades and schoolwork couldn't be bothering her at this point, or ever really. No homesickness. Or any of the other stresses that would tend to creep up later in the year.

Toby walked over to Kinsey, quickly closing the distance between them, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Hey..." he greeted, cocking his head to the side to properly get a glimpse of her face, but he was finding her very difficult to read in that moment. He was a bit caught off guard, but he was trying to rectify the situation, since she apparently felt like he could help. "Are you okay? What's wrong, Kins?" Toby asked her with a very concerned expression casting over his face, practically puppy dog eyes, he couldn't even hide it. The look on her face threatened that she could break down into tears at any second and it really bothered him.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

As she waited for Toby to arrive, Kinsey thought about what she was going to say to him. She felt like she was about to burst, keeping all these feelings locked inside of her, but she also wasn't sure how to tell him about Riley and Dustin. She didn't know where to start, or even if he'd want to know it all. The problem was, she didn't really have anyone else to tell. If Toby didn't want to listen to it, she didn't know what she'd do. Maybe try to contact that guy she talked to during the summer, Dan. She wasn't sure if he'd want to listen either though.

So lost in her thoughts, Kinsey didn't realize he was approaching until he touched her shoulder. She jumped, opening her eyes to look at her best friend. Just the sight of him made her bottom lip tremble. "Hi Toby," she lowered her gaze a little, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself. How was it that just seeing him and saying hi made her want to cry? She shook her head when he asked if she was okay. "I ... I need someone to talk to, Toby. Pretty bad. Would you ... mind? I don't want to be a bother, but I ..." Kinsey didn't know how to explain herself. She thought Dustin would always be there for her if she needed to talk. The same with Riley, but neither of them were anymore. So how could she assume that Toby would be? The answer: she couldn't. She needed someone to talk to, but she didn't want to force Toby into it. She glanced back up at him, holding herself together but barely. "Only if you really want to." She wouldn't beg. Whatever his response was, she'd go with it.

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: poor kinsey bb xoxox

Her lip quiver sent him over the edge. He almost didn't know how to react for a brief second, then he remembered who he was talking to, and that he had grown up in a house of females his entire life. They were extremely emotional at times. He'd learned that at a very young age after stealing Claudias Barbie for his Power Ranger to have a girlfriend, and she punched him in the throat. Girls were actually quite terrifying.

The Ravenclaw listened to Kinsey, very carefully digesting her words as they spilled out of her lips. She obviously felt like a huge bother, kind of like how he always felt like he was to her. Toby gently tugged her into him, pressing her face into his shoulder and wrapping his long arms around her into a warm hug. Attempting to console her in the one way her knew how to.

" Please, you can tell me anything, Kinsey. You're my best friend, you aren't ever going to be a bother to me. I want to know everything that is going on with you, always. No matter how stupid or serious it may seem to you." Toby tried his best to console her in a softer, calmer tone, but was finding it hard with classmates in the hallway watching them as they passed by. "Lets go somewhere to talk." he urged her, giving her a squeeze before pulling away from the platonic embrace. Toby gently pulled her toward a secluded area of the courtyard where no students would be able to see them.

The last thing she needed was an audience in her fragile time, so he wanted to pull her away from any attention, fully aware of what happened when she got too overwhelmed. She would have fits and pass out. "What's wrong?" he finally asked her, anticipating the worst with worried eyes.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

Kinsey barely had control of her emotions as she waited to see what Toby would say. She trusted him and he was a good friend, but she was also in a bad place at the moment. All the people she trusted were slowly failing her one by one. The next thing she knew, Toby pulled her forward into his arms. Kinsey let out a breath as she hugged him back tightly. She knew, even before he spoke, that he was entirely sincere about what he was about to say. He was there for her and wanted to help. That knowledge helped her reign in her emotions a little more, but she still shuddered slightly when he started talking.

She could tell him anything, she was his best friend, could never bother him and he wanted to know everything ... she'd heard these words before. Diana and Dustin had been her first confidantes, the first people she ever trusted with her secrets. Then Riley. Now they were all gone, but she fought to believe Toby. She could sense that he meant it by her gift, so she convinced herself that shutting him out wasn't an option. She needed to talk to someone about it. 

He mentioned that they should go somewhere to talk and Kinsey nodded as he pulled away. That was a good idea. She followed him easily as he led her into the courtyard. If he'd started taking her to the Pond she would have objected, but the courtyard was fine. No bad memories here that came to mind. She walked to a bench, sitting before she finally turned to look at Toby. How to start, that was the question. When she spoke, her voice was low and soft. "I'm losing everyone, Toby. All the people I've ever trusted. I-" she broke off and looked down at her lap for a second."I don't know what to do. Dustin and I got into a fight this summer, during the family vacation and ... he hates me now." She hadn't told a soul about her fight with Dustin. Not even Riley. She wanted to when they went to Brighton, but she hadn't been able to find a way to tell him and now ... well now they weren't even friends, so why would she tell him? Kinsey didn't know how to continue. She wanted to explain more about what happened with Dustin, but where should she start?

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: poor kinsey bb xoxox

It was apparent that a lot had changed for Kinsey during their summer break. He was taken slightly aback by it because he actually had a really amazing summer in Greece with his sisters and parents on holiday. Not really a care in the world. Toby was excited to get back to Hogwarts, to his Divination classes, to his friends, to Kinsey. But it definitely didn't seem like their homecoming would be anything like their previous years.

Toby listened very closely as Kinsey tried to explain what was going on. She couldn't really get it out. His expression was hard to hide, everything faltered, but his hand rested on Kinseys shoulder when she said that she was losing everyone. He wanted to give her immediate validation, telling her that he would always be there, but he knew he wasn't as significant. He shook his head in disagreement, "No, I'm sure they don't hate you, Kinsey. How could they hate you?" he told her straight to her face in the firmest voice that he could muster. "What did you do to make you think they hate you?" Toby asked her. Trying to keep a calm and level tone in his voice, a straight expression, all in an attempt to keep her calm really. The Ravenclaw wanted to get down to the bottom of this, he didn't want to see his best friend hurting. He would do whatever he could do to help comfort Kinsey in her difficult time, even if it was just to have someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

Toby listened quietly as Kinsey started to explain, touching her shoulder somewhere in the middle. She felt his intentions of wanting to reassure her, help her and let those race through her. Toby was here for her. He'd listen and not leave her like the others had. At least, he wouldn't leave her right now. She shook her head slowly at his question. "They don't hate me. Just Dustin. And he does. He ... he came up to me the first night of our vacation." She faced Toby again. "We went to the beach, the whole family. We were going to be there a week. That first night I was walking on the beach and he came up and said we needed to talk." Kinsey looked down again, her voice sounding emotionless and numb despite the fact that inside she felt worn and heartbroken still. "He told me to break up with Riley. He said he had a reason, but that he wouldn't tell me what it was. I told him I couldn't break up with Riley for no reason, that Riley made he happy and truly cared for me," she scoffed slightly, though she knew that her point was still true. Riley did care for her, even though he gave her up. She hadn't been able to do that. "Eventually, Dustin gave me an ultimatum. Him or Riley. I kept hoping he wasn't serious, but in the end I couldn't break up with Riley for no reason." The guilt ate at her, the question about whether she did the right thing or not, especially knowing what she did now. She sniffled a little, lifting a hand to rub at her nose, "And Dustin said that he wasn't ever going to forgive me for that." Kinsey closed her eyes and took a deep breath, wishing that was all, but it wasn't. "I haven't seen him since, and a few weeks later he ran off somewhere with one of the girls on his Quidditch team. I ... I really think he meant it." Kinsey felt the first tear slide slowly down her cheek, "And now I've lost Riley too, so making Dustin hate me was entirely unnecessary." She wiped angrily at the tear on her cheek, leaning closer to Toby as she felt herself starting to lose control of her emotions.

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: i have no self control again

At first, Toby felt like he did a good job at hiding the emotion from his face, but the more detail Kinsey went into about her summer break, it made it more difficult to contain. She was hurting emotionally, and he wasn't really sure what to do about it. Family problems sucked, but when they were mixed with love woes, it got so much worse. Not that Toby had tons (or any) of dating experience, he was just always hearing other peoples shitty stories, and giving advice he never really had to take himself. All he could do was listen quietly and face her, offering her a shoulder to cry on if she needed it. 

When she finally stopped talking, wiping fallen tears from her face, he swallowed before saying anything, "You did the right thing, Kinsey. That's a bit of a crazy request for Dustin to ask you to break up with Riley without any reason. That's not really fair." he knew that his words wouldn't do much right now, but they had to be said. It seemed like she hadn't really talked with anyone about this yet by how emotional she was getting. Toby closed the distance between them on the bench and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders to pull her closer, in a more brotherly or platonic way. "What do you mean you don't have Riley anymore?" Toby finally asked, unable to hide the shock behind his voice, his face faltering.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

It wasn't hard to see that Toby was hurting for her. That was part of the reason why Kinsey couldn't really look at him much. She wanted to tell him all about what was going on, but she couldn't stand to look at her best friend as she did so. Talking about everything that happened with Dustin was hard. She missed her brother so much and knowing that wasn't all ... well, she was glad that Toby was next to her, telling her he was here for her. 

It took him a moment to say anything and Kinsey held her breath while she waited. Would he think that she made the mistake, that choosing Riley was the wrong decision? The second Toby told her that she made the right choice and that Dustin's ultimatum wasn't fair, she leaned closer into him, letting him wrap his arm around her. She sniffled, trying to hold back the tears, but they were so close to the surface she didn't know how long she could hold them back. "Riley ... he's engaged." The tears started falling more freely and Kinsey started trembling, glad to still have Toby's arm around her shoulders. "He, his parents told him the night before last, the night before we came back to school," the words were spilling out of her mouth now. "He said that he didn't have a choice, that they arranged it without his consent. He's engaged to Priscilla Rosier and we're not supposed to even be friends anymore." Kinsey started crying in earnest, her body convulsing in sobs as she finally let her heartbreak out. How she contained that for an entire day, she had no idea, but it was all coming out now. "Toby ... I- I chose him," she tried to speak through the tears, but her words were stuttered and cut off, she was crying so hard. "B-but he- he did- didn't ch-choose me." That was the hardest part of it all. Even though Riley didn't know, she gave up Dustin, her sibling that she always considered herself the closest to, for him and he hadn't done the same thing for her. In the last few months, she lost the two people that mattered most to her and if that was possible, who else could she lose?

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: xoxox

This was all so much worse than he anticipated. He felt his insides churning because he wasn't really sure what to say anymore. This was starting to get him...mad? How could Riley and Dustin be so stupid?! Kinsey didn't deserve this kind of treatment, no one really did, but Kinsey was one of the sweetest and most caring people in thehis world. They hurt her emotionally beyond repair and she was conveying that her life was in shingles. The uncontrollable tears just seemed to flow, staining her cheeks. His grip around her shoulders tightened as she leaned into him a bit.

Toby shook his head while digesting the information. He was trying to keep his cool but was finding it really hard. "That-That is just so fucked up, Kinsey, I honestly don't really even know what to say right now." He stated, his jaw clenched tight, lips forming a straight line as he took a breath in through his nostrils and exhaled. "Riley and Dustin are both fucking idiots." he said uncharacteristically harshly, without any caution into the wind, "Neither of them deserve you if they're making you feel like this." Toby said, wiping her tears with the sleeve of his shit. He knew he was being a bit callous, but it made it hard for him to say anything nice about either of the guys when she was balling in the courtyard in his arms. All he wanted was to make her feel better, pick up the broken pieces, although he knew talking badly about them probably wasn't the best start.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

She could sense Toby's intentions, though Kinsey preferred to not pay attention to them just now. She knew what he would be feeling, that he would want to help her and that he'd be angry at Dustin and Riley. She didn't need to be able to read his intentions to know that. She continued to cry, leaning into him more as him as she did so, knowing that he was trying to comfort her and make her feel better. If she was being entirely honest with herself, she still wished that it was Riley. She loved Toby. He was as dear to her as family, but when Riley held her ... Kinsey couldn't explain why it was different. She just missed it. Missed him. She couldn't help it.

She sniffled when Toby started talking, saying that he didn't know what to say. "It's okay," she forced the words out, though her breath caught as she spoke. "You don't have to ... I just- I needed to tell someone." The tears welled up again and Kinsey found herself cry-laughing for a second when Toby said that they didn't deserve her. "Or ma-maybe I never d-deserved them," she couldn't help but let her thoughts out. After everything, Dom had been right. Her bully basically predicted that this would happen and now Kinsey found that she was doubting herself more than she ever had before. "Maybe something's wr-wrong with m-m-me, Toby," she answered, finally speaking the words out loud. Maybe she was chasing everyone away. Maybe it was a matter of time before Toby left too. She found herself turning into him even more now, wrapping her arms around his waist as she hugged him. She might as well take advantage of his friendship while he was still here.

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: xoxox

This was all becoming very difficult. He never would have thought he'd have to give Kinsey a pep talk of this nature because she had always been very strong headed. Her and Riley seemed like they were doing fine before summer break started, so that was a shock in itself for him. Toby and Kinsey would often lean on each other, but this was at an entirely new level. She really needed him right now, emotionally and physically. Toby wanted to fix how she was feeling terribly, but he knew that this would be a bit of a healing process. All he could do was actively listen with empathy and compassion, just try to be there for her the best that he can.

Kinsey let out more and more of how she was feeling, sharing how painfully inadequate she felt. Toby swallowed hard, shaking his head back and forth in strong disagreement, "No. Kinsey, there is nothing wrong with you.." he tried desperately to reassure her, squeezing her in his arms. Toby could feel her sadness. Kinsey convulsed with each sob that shook her body entirely to the core. His face was buried in her hair now as he spoke, "You are the most caring, smartest, kindest person I have ever met in my life. You're beautiful, Kinsey, and you have an extraordinary gift. There is nothing wrong with you--you are special." He told her softly, his words were heart felt and genuine. Toby wasn't always the best with words, but he had given his sisters similar words of affirmation when they were experiencing their own love woes, but this was on a much more mature level. His sisters never dealt with this kind of rejection, at least not that he was aware of.

For once in his life, Toby was almost relieved that his love life was non existent, because he wasn't really sure how he would handle this kind of situation first hand if it were reversed.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

It felt so nice to have Toby there with her, to have his arms wrapped around her and his voice telling her that she was wrong. Kinsey needed this. She needed to find a way to dig herself out of this hole she'd become entrenched in and she wasn't exactly sure how to do it. Maybe Toby could help. His reassurances, his friendship. At least there was someone who wasn't pushing her away and Kinsey decided she needed to listen to him and try her best to believe him. She knew these feelings wouldn't go away in one conversation, nor in one night, but maybe she could start the process of healing now. 

Kinsey's eyes were closed by the time she started admitting her true feelings about herself to Toby, but she could still feel him shaking his head at her words. She felt herself relax ever so slightly when he insisted that nothing was wrong with her. Then he started listing off attributes and Kinsey was glad he couldn't see her face because then he'd know how much she doubted what he was saying. She knew he was sincere and that he believed it, but she was having a hard time doing the same. She shivered slightly, still glad that he was hugging her tightly. "I don't feel like any of that right now," she admitted after a moment, unable to help herself.

Then the guilt started coming. Kinsey shouldn't have dumped all this on him. Maybe relying on someone as much as she was relying on him was the reason she lost Dustin and Riley. Maybe she was going to overwhelm him. The thought made Kinsey's heart fall to the pit of her stomach. She pulled away from Toby, just enough to be able to see his face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dumped all this on you. I ... I wasn't thinking and-" Kinsey's bottom lip started trembling again, so she bit it, looking away from Toby in complete and utter confusion. What was she supposed to do now?

tobias charles watkins

[tobias charles watkins]

@kinsey

Note: xoxox

Toby could feel Kinsey melting into his arms with each breath that she took. He wished that he could take the pain away for her, but that was impossible. Time would heal all. Kinsey admitted that she wasn't feeling any of the above attributes that he mentioned and he nodded his head understandably, unable to hide the frown from his face. "And that's okay. It's okay to not be okay. This is all temporary, everything is temporary." Toby reassured her, trying to sound as mature as he could possibly be.

Kinsey pulled away from his body, expressing that she was feeling like a huge burden to him. This annoyed Toby that she felt that way. He wanted to be there for her more than anything, maybe even to feel useful. Toby wanted to be a true friend and comfort her however he could in her time of need. Toby gently pulled her back into him and squeezed her tighter....as into squeeze sense into her, "Listen, Kinsey. Stop being sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about with me." he pleaded, shaking his head in a bit of shock since he just couldn't seem to get it into her head in that moment. He held the back of her head to his already tear stained shoulder, his chin was in her ear, muffled by a face full of hair. "I know that I am nothing special, but I will be here, Kinsey. You're my best friend and I love you. All I want is for you to be happy and taken care of." Toby told her softly, his tone earnest and innocent. If her real brother, Dustin, wasn't going to be there for her, he sure as Hell would be and tell her the things she needed to hear.

＃ENY ADOXOGRAPHY

[Deleted]

Toby was being so good to her, holding her and reassuring her that it was all right. He kept telling her that she was okay not being okay, that everything was temporary and Kinsey merely nodded against his chest, unable to say anything else. She was trying so hard to get a handle on her emotions, but she was definitely struggling to do so. 

When Kinsey pulled away from her best friend, she didn't really know what to expect. She didn't know if Toby would let her get away with it or not, but was relieved when he pulled her back in, hugging her even tighter than before. He told her to stop being sorry and she could sense how much he meant it. At least now, he had no intention of abandoning her like the others had. She loved him even more for that. Then he started talking into her hair and she felt her body start to relax. The tears were still falling, but at least she wasn't convulsing anymore. Kinsey shook her head, "No, Toby. You are special," she argued. "You mean the world to me and I really appreciate you being here for me today. Thanks." Kinsey hugged him back again, closing her eyes and relaxing against her friend, letting his intentions help her feel better. 

tobias charles watkins