You Know I Want You (Riley)

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Kinsey couldn't stop searching the castle. After she and Joe parted ways that afternoon, she had to go to class. Annoyingly enough, she had Ancient Runes, which was one of the only classes she didn't share with Riley. After that she looked for him in the hallways and in the Common Room, but she couldn't find him anywhere. She even searched for him during dinner, though she knew she wouldn't approach him then. Lydia and Priscilla would see that and she knew neither of them would approve of her seeking Riley out. 

The thing was, she needed to talk to him. She needed to explain everything from earlier. Granted, it wasn't like Riley would really do anything if she was seeing Joe since he was already engaged, but she didn't want him to think they were dating when they weren't. She didn't think he would worry about it either, but she hated the idea that he probably had the wrong idea about it. 

After dinner, she searched the castle some more, but still couldn't find the Ravenclaw boy. Eventually she went outside, more discouraged than anything else. She found herself heading toward the pond for the first time in months, for the first time since the first night of school, in fact. To her surprise, she saw a figure already sitting there. "Riley?" she called softly as she approached. Who else could it be?

@riley

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Riley hadn’t had the best day and he wasn’t entirely sure why. Okay, yes, he was sure why. He didn’t like the way that the new guy he was introduced to earlier talked to Kinsey. Not that he minded if she was starting to date again (he most certainly minded) but something about that specific guy just rubbed him the wrong way. He wondered what was going on between them, but he didn’t want to ask Kinsey because he didn’t want to seem like he was jealous, which he certainly wasn’t (he certainly was).

Riley felt weird being in the castle, so, after dinner, rather than returning to his common room, he left the meal early and went outside. He walked around for awhile before ending up at the pond. He had so many memories here, it felt almost wrong to be here given that he had both met Kinsey here and broken up with her here. He felt like he had wronged the pond as much as he had wronged Kinsey. He sat at the bench and just watched the slow movements in the water, illuminated by a lantern nearby and the soft moonlight from above. He heard her voice and for a second, thought it was just his mind playing tricks on him. Then he turned around and saw her illuminated there, a small smile crossed his face. “Hey. What are you doing out here?” he asked.

@kinsey

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It was him. She recognized him as she walked closer, even before he turned around and smiled at her. An instant smile grew on her own face in response. He was here! She honestly hadn't thought she'd ever find him here again and couldn't help but wonder if he normally avoided it like she did. Even if he did, she was glad that she found him, though not quite so happy about his question. Kinsey shrugged, feeling a little self-conscious about her answer, but unwilling to lie to him about it. "Looking for you?" she reached the bench where he sat and hesitated for just a moment before sitting beside him, not waiting for an invitation. She looked ahead at the pond instead of at him. "I just ... I felt bad for what happened earlier. You know," she started blushing fiercely and hoped he wasn't looking at her face or that maybe it was too dark to see. "When Joe joined us. I was looking forward to being with you, but then you left ..." Kinsey trailed off, not knowing what she wanted to say, but not wanting to make Riley feel bad for leaving. She changed the subject a little, "He's a tease. I actually just met him the other day and since then he's always trying to make me blush. Sorry you had to get in the middle of it." She didn't know if Riley even cared. He probably didn't, probably thought this whole explanation was unwarranted, but she had to get it out. If he wanted to know anything about her still, well this was one place to start. She still couldn't look at him though, instead sitting beside him with tense muscles as she waited for Riley Fudge to say something. Anything.

@riley

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She had come looking for him? A part of him felt very excited at the idea that she had wanted to see or talk to him enough to come looking for them. He wanted to talk to her too, but a part of him had figured, after what happened earlier today, that she was too busy to want to talk to him. She explained the whole situation and he found himself answering in a shrug. “No you don’t need to explain. It’s good that you have friends and are getting to know some new people.” he insisted, genuinely. He loved that someone was making her smile, especially because he often found himself unable to do so as of late. “So you like him then? Joe? He’s a good friend of yours?” he asked, not really sure what he was fishing for, or what he wanted her to say. Obviously, a part of him was jealous, and a part of him still didn’t like Joe after having thought he was rude earlier. “I hope I didn’t… overstep.” he said.

@kinsey

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Riley's first response was that she didn't have to explain and that he was glad she had friends. A part of Kinsey couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at that response. Not that she thought he would say that he was upset she had friends, but he didn't seem to care about what happened earlier, which meant that she'd misread the reason why he'd left. She forced a smile though, forcing herself to not think about that right now. "Yeah, it's a lot easier to do that this year with all the Ilvermorny students here." Kinsey hadn't reached out to most of them, but Riley didn't need to know that or the fact that Joe was the one who searched her out. She shrugged, "I'm just getting to know Joe. He's nice, but I've only seen him a few times so far. I did say I'd help him with Arithmancy though, so we'll be doing a bit more together." Kinsey couldn't help but smile a little bit as she thought about the boy. She didn't know why he was paying so much attention to her, but it was flattering and she appreciated it. She shook her head when Riley added that he hoped he didn't overstep. "Of course not! You were there first ... and you only told him the truth," she blushed again at the memory of Riley telling Joe she didn't like chocolate. It was the closest thing she'd had to him standing up for her in the last few months and she loved it. 

@riley

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Of course, he wasn’t 100% alright with the fact that she was making new friends and starting this new part of her life that didn’t include him, but he was happy that she was happy and that was what was most important, regardless of how he felt about it. He didn’t want her to become some sort of shut in and mourn over the loss of him. He didn’t think highly enough of himself to actually think that she would do something like that, but he still didn’t want that to be the case. He was glad she was moving on, or at least taking steps to. He knew that she hadn’t completely, he could tell in the way that her eyes lit up every time he spoke to her. He loved that, it was so cute. She was so cute. He began to wonder if maybe he just shouldn’t talk to her. If maybe stepping back again would help her move on fully. Then again, he really couldn’t stay away if he tried. He already had tried. Dom told him that was stupid. He needed to listen to her.

She explained, like Joe had, that they met in Arithmancy class and Kinsey added that she was going to help the new boy with the subject, Riley nodded with a forced smile. Spending time together studying, yep, that sounded totally innocent, he lied to himself. Kinsey was beautiful, and smart, it was no surprise that another guy wanted her affection. “That’s nice of you - I can’t imagine a better tutor.” he said with a genuine smile, he meant that. She then tried to tell him that he hadn’t overstepped, but he still felt like he had. Even though he wanted to say that Joe was the one who had interrupted. At least he knew now that kinsey hadn’t planned to meet up with Joe, it had been a coincidence. “Yes… I did.” he nodded. “However I fear I may have said it in a harsher tone than was necessary.” he admitted with a laugh. “But, as long as you’re happy, Kins, that’s all that matters.” he promised.

@kinsey

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Riley nodded at her when she told him that she would be spending more time with Joe while studying Arithmancy. Since she was paying such close attention to him and knew him so well, she could tell that it wasn't his normal smile. Kinsey wouldn't say anything about it, since she knew he was smiling for her. At least he was trying and still willing to talk to her. She smiled when he complimented her, saying she was nice and would be a good tutor. He meant that! She knew it and loved that fact. "Thank you. I've never really tutored anyone before. Don't really know what to expect," Kinsey admitted with a shrug. She'd been too shy and nervous to even offer to help anyone else during her other years. Riley could probably figure that out on his own. 

Kinsey shrugged when Riley admitted that he thought he'd spoken a little bit too harshly earlier. "Joe wasn't offended," she said, hoping to make Riley not worry about it. If he was worrying in the first place. She couldn't tell. She rolled her eyes, "He was too excited to have me try his macaroons." And much more interested in learning about her and Riley's past, but she wasn't bringing that up. She smiled when Riley said her being happy mattered. She desperately wanted to tell him that she was happiest when she was with him, but that wouldn't be appropriate. She should be trying to get over him, not admitting her feelings for him every day. "Both of you make me smile, so I think I'm pretty happy around both you and Joe," she answered, hoping that adding Joe's name in there would make it not seem like she was entirely focused on Riley, like she definitely was. "Are you happy?" she blurted, adding quickly, "Because that matters too, you know." At least, it mattered to her. She wanted him to be happy.

@riley

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Kinsey was saying Joe’s name a lot and Riley wondered whether that was on purpose, because she wanted him to keep the boy in mind for some reason, maybe to help him to think that she was getting over him and now falling for Joe, or, maybe it was uncautious and she actually was just thinking about Joe so much that she couldn’t help but say his name and she hadn’t noticed what she was doing. Riley tried not to think about it too much, analyzing everything would make him sick. He didn’t really want either to be true. He knew he’d already stay up at night thinking about it as he lay in his bed. He didn’t need to worry about it now. “Well that’s good. I’m glad he makes you smile, Kins. Really.” Riley smiled. He did mean it. He did want her to be happy. He couldn’t make her happy right now, at least not in the way that he knew they both wanted him to be able to. So Joe seemed to be the best option at the moment.

She asked if he was happy and he didn’t want to answer the question. Was he happy? He wasn’t entirely happy with the outcome of his life thus far, he liked Priscilla fine, she was nice enough and they got along surprisingly well, but she still wasn’t what he wanted or who he had seem himself with. He wasn’t in love with her. He did think that he could, end up, being happy with her, but right now, was he happy? “I am if you are.” he said instead.

@kinsey

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Riley said he was glad that Joe made her smile and she could sense that he actually meant it. He wasn't just saying that to make her feel better and Kinsey nodded and offered a small smile in return, but didn't say anything in response. What was she supposed to say? Joe did make her smile and made her feel good about herself, but at the same time he wasn't Riley. She wondered if Riley knew that, if he knew how she doubted that anyone could make her as happy as he did. She wanted to shake him, to tell him to snap out of it and come back to her, to realize that he was everything she wanted and that he could make her happier than anyone else ever would, but she couldn't. She would respect Riley's decisions to follow his parent's wishes. Also, she wasn't sure she could handle it if he told her no. 

She waited for his answer almost anxiously, not sure what she wanted him to say. She wanted Riley to be happy. No matter that he hadn't chosen her, she didn't want him to suffer for the rest of his life because of his decision. He dodged her question, saying that he was happy if she was and Kinsey looked away from him, dropping her gaze to her hands, which were wringing in her lap. She should drop it, let that whole topic of conversation go, but her heart rebelled against it. "Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy," she answered softly. "You know that better than anyone." Her lips twitched into a hesitant smile, but she still didn't look up. "But, if you want to know how I'm really doing or feeling, you can ask. You earned the right to do that the day you found me here the first time, and all the days after that when you proved you would be there for me." Even though he wasn't anymore, she would always be honest with him and do her best to answer any questions he might have about her. She owed him that much, at least. She took a breath and continued, "Even though we can't ... be the way I wish we could, I don't want to lose you," Kinsey admitted, finally looking up to try and meet his eyes. "If you ever need to talk to someone, or for someone to listen while you let everything out, I hope you'll think of me. I ... I want to be there for you, like you were for me." She smiled, hoping she hadn't just crossed any boundaries or said something that would make him uncomfortable. She loved him. Kinsey didn't want to make anything harder for him, but she wanted him to know where she stood, no matter what. "But, you don't have to," she added after a second, looking out at the pond. She didn't want him to feel pressured to come to her if he didn't want to. All Kinsey wanted was for him to know that she was there for him, if he wanted.

@riley

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Riley’s heart broke, listening to the girl that he loved tell him that she wasn’t happy. He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her head and make sure that she knew how much he loved her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he knew that he couldn’t do that. “Kins…” he said with a sigh, but then she went on. She explained that she wanted to be there for him and she wanted him to be there for here, even if they couldn’t be together in the way that they had been before. “I want to be around you all of the time. I’d love nothing more to be friends with you like we were before… but every time I see you all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. I thought it would be easy to be friends but it’s not.” he explained, turning to look at her, no matter how hard it was to say these things. “But, I want to try. I agree, it’s silly for us not to be friends, we worked so hard on this relationship and we shouldn’t let it all be for nothing.” his lips twisted up into a smile. “So we’ll figure it out together. We’ll be happy together in a new way.” he suggested.

@kinsey

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Kinsey's heart fluttered when Riley said her name, but his sigh had the opposite effect and she rushed to get out everything that she wanted to. She felt somewhat terrified to say all of this, to put herself out there like that, but she also felt like she needed to. They were starting to be friends again, which was tricky enough, but she wanted to be as honest as she possibly could be. Once she was done, she watched Riley, waiting for whatever he was going to say, though by the look on his face she could tell she probably wasn't going to like it. She braced herself, taking slow and quiet deep breaths. She could do this. 

Riley started by saying that he wanted to be around her all the time and that he wanted to be friends like before, then he said but. She forced herself to keep eye contact when he said that when he saw her all he wanted to do was kiss her. Being friends was harder than he thought. Kinsey's lip started quivering and she bit it to try and force herself to hold still. She wasn't about to cry, so she might as well try to be strong, for him. Obviously, this was harder for him than she thought. "I'm sorry," she breathed, glancing away for a second. She knew it wasn't her fault, but it seemed like the only thing she could say. She was about to say that he could forget the whole thing and they didn't have to be friends, but then he spoke again, saying that he wanted to try. Kinsey's eyes widened as she listened to him saying that he wanted to try. He ... didn't want to give up on their friendship, on her. She nodded slowly, "Yeah, we can do that," Kinsey agreed, though she wasn't sure how true it was. "I want to try," she added, wanting him to know she was serious. "So ... how do you want to start?" Maybe she should let him lead, since he was the one whose decision this was, ultimately. He was the one who was engaged and shouldn't be wanting her anymore. Technically Kinsey could still want him, as long as she didn't do anything about it. 

@riley

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“No, please don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean to put any blame on you, none of this, really, none of it is your fault.” Riley said with a sigh, scooting himself closer to her, seeing her lip quiver and not wanting to be the cause of any more of her tears. He wrapped arm around her, comfortingly, not wanting to do anything that she wasn’t comfortable with, but at the same time, wanting to be close with her, and feeling his heart beat pounding in his chest when he touched her. She agreed that they could try and then said again that she wanted to try. He smiled, feeling reassured by her agreeing, and comforted by the feeling of her in his arms again. It was hard, not to just lean down and kiss her. But he wanted to make sure that she understood that he was there for her, and that he cared about her, and he knew the best way to do that was to let her ability speak for him. She asked how they started and he shrugged. “I think we just do.” he suggested. As vague as it sounded, they just had to jump in. “Is there anything you want to talk about with me? Anything you need to say or want to say?” he asked. ‘About Joe, maybe?’ he wanted to add, but didn’t.

@kinsey

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Kinsey wanted to explain why she'd apologized, but she didn't think Riley would want her to. He wouldn't agree with it, she could tell he was determined to blame himself, which also made sense. But she felt like a part of it had to be her fault. She had to do something that made him unable to see her without wanting to kiss her. Maybe he could sense how much she wanted that, how deeply she missed having him with her. She was trying so hard to do that, but that didn't mean she was being successful at it. 

He moved closer and Kinsey watched him, not quite sure what he was doing. Then he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in for a hug and Kinsey froze for half a second before melting against him, her hands wrapping around his waist without her knowing it. She'd missed this. She sighed, just trying to savor the feeling of being close to him and feeling guilty for it at the same time. She shouldn't want this so bad, shouldn't give in so easily to a simple hug, but she wanted to. His intentions washed over her, his desire to be there for her and help her however he could. Riley said they should just jump into being friends again. 

Then he was asking if there was anything she wanted to talk about and Kinsey instinctively shook her head. She already said everything she needed to say when she admitted how much she missed him. Then she froze. She pulled back, out of Riley's arms because she wanted to be able to see him. She didn't move away, just looked up at him. "It's probably not a big deal," she started, then began to stutter a little, "I mean, I- I hope that it- that's it's not a, that you won't mind." She looked down at her lap, unable to meet his eyes. "I told Joe what happened between us. He was, well, he was kind of teasing me, saying that I liked you and it all spilled out. I haven't told anyone else and, well, I don't even know if you'd care since it's all, since we're just friends now, but I felt like I should, like you should know, just in case, I don't ..." Kinsey was rambling now, her shoulders hunching from how tensed she was feeling. She was nervous that Riley would be angry at her, or worse, that he wouldn't care. Not that he would tell her if he did care. She sighed, shaking her head and laughing at herself. "I'm sorry, I'm not good at this," she mumbled, still too nervous to actually look at Riley. Why did she pull away his hug and start talking about this?

@riley

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When he touched her, she was a bout stiff at first and then seemed to get more comfortable and didn’t seem to mind that he had put his arm around her. He was glad for that. He knew that sometimes words were so hard to say and there was no way better to express how one felt than by simply being there and showing it. She didn’t have anything to say about what he said, she seemed to be on the same page and he was glad that there wasn’t any more figuring out that came along with that. But there was something that she wanted to tell him, and she pulled away to do so. He looked at her and listened as she spoke.

She had told Joe about them. A part of him was relieved that that was all she had done, she had made it sound like she had put a curse on his family or something, which he wouldn’t blame her if she had done. “Oh, well that’s alright. I’m sure he was curious and… I mean, everyone who was here last year pretty much knows anyway, so if you didn’t tell him, I’m sure he could have asked anyone or would have just heard it around the school.” he admitted. Though he had to admit, he wasn’t entirely pleased at the idea of a guy, who obviously fancied Kinsey, knowing what had happened between them. “I mean you deserve to be able to tell everyone that I am the worst of the worst, so whoever you want to tell, or talk to about it, go ahead. You’ve earned that right.” he said, nodding slightly. He hoped that she didn’t actually think of him as the worst of the worst. But he thought of himself that way. He didn’t feel like he deserved Kinsey anymore, he didn’t feel worthy.

@kinsey

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A part of Kinsey wished she hadn’t said anything about Joe, she was so nervous about Riley’s reaction. Maybe it would have been better to simply stay leaned against him, to let him comfort her some more. To her great relief, he didn’t make her wait long before answering her. She sighed, relief flooding her when Riley said that it was all right and that if she hadn’t told him, Joe likely would have found out somewhere else. She smiled, so glad that he hadn’t been annoyed. It wasn’t like she told Joe everything. She hadn’t mentioned anything about her and Riley’s summer activities, or really any of the things they’d done together. Joe just knew that they were together, but that now Riley was engaged to someone else.

Then Riley continued and Kinsey frowned. She shook her head, “No, Riley. You … you’re not the worst, don’t think of yourself that way. You didn’t know that was going to happen and it’s not your fault that your parents-” Kinsey cut off, not wanting to say out loud again that he was engaged. “It’s not true, so I won’t be telling anybody that,” she told him firmly. She wanted Riley to know that she didn’t blame him at all. She paused a moment before adding, “Is there anything that you need to tell me? Or want to tell me?” Kinsey knew she was echoing his previous question, but maybe he brought it up because he wanted to tell her something, maybe that hadn’t been about her at all.

@riley