My Head's Spinning In Circles (Dan)

[Deleted]

Dear Dan,

I hope this is okay. I know we mentioned maybe writing when I met you in the summer and I thought I'd take you up on that offer. 

Thinking about it, it's probably better for me to write you letters than to meet you in person, because my emotions have been all over the place lately. I've started doing some of the things you suggested and it's actually helping a lot. I can do things with groups and stuff now without getting overwhelmed super fast. 

School is pretty good, but I'm having a hard time sleeping. Do you have any suggestions for something that can help with that? Like maybe a way to meditate or something? If not that's totally fine, it was just a thought. Thanks!

            ~Kinsey

@daniel

[Deleted]

Kinsey,

Of course it's okay. I like writing, it's a lot easier than being around people As you obviously know since you mentioned it first thing. I'm sorry your emotions have been umpredictable, that isn't easy for anyone and I'm sure it's hard to manage with your extra abilities. I'm glad things are helping, though. That is quite a relief to hear. Groups can be the hardest to deal with -- so that is truly an achievement.

Interesting, I'm also having a hard time sleeping. Maybe there is something in the air. I mean, honestly I don't know for sure because I've been struggling myself. I know writing down my thoughts and what I'm feeling before bed sort of helps them get out of my system and I can rest easier? Maybe that'll help?

Try it, lemme know.

--
Dan

[Deleted]

Dan, 

I'm glad you don't mind me writing you. I was worried for a minute there, but I'm trying to do better at not bottling everything up, so I thought having someone to talk to would be a good idea, and then you came to mind soooo it just kind of happened. 

Thanks for the idea! I'll definitely try writing things down. Maybe that will help with the nightmares. I'll let you know. Would you mind if I vent to you about some of the things going on? I mean, if you have enough on your plate that's fine, but I really appreciated your advice last summer and thought maybe you would have some input of some kind. If you say no, that's fine! I promise I won't be upset or anything.

Hope you're doing well. Sorry this is so awkward.

            ~Kinsey
@daniel

[Deleted]

Kinsey,

I often worry more than I should about things that aren't worth worrying about. I'm glad you feel comfortable talking to me. I hardly feel comfortable talking to anyone, haha haha, haha... life is fun.

Please, feel free to vent! Tell me what's up. I've got some thing going on too, so I guess this'll have to be a fair trade.

So what's happening?

You ARE awkward, but it's fine. So am I.

-
Daniel

[Deleted]

Dan,

So, I don't think I talked about this when we met during the summer. I've been dating this guy, Riley Fudge. I met him last year at school and I actually ended up telling him about my ability and we got really close. Everything was great until I came back to school. He came up to me and said that his parents betrothed him to a pureblood girl and I'm ... really having a hard time with it. I love him, but he's engaged to someone else and I just feel so empty and lost. I don't know how to make myself feel better about it. I've tried making new friends and reaching out to people, but every time I see them together I lose any progress I've made. I don't know what else to do. 

Sorry, this is probably sounding ridiculously dramatic, but I don't really know who else to tell. Thanks for listening.

            ~Kinsey
@daniel

[Deleted]

Kinsey,

Oh, great. A betrothal. I hear those are pretty popular over here. That's terrible, Kinsey, I'm so sorry. I don't think I would be able to deal with that at all, so even the fact that you're still at school alive means you're doing better than I would be doing. You're not being dramatic. That is probably pone of the hardest things for anyone to deal with - seeing the person they really care for being with someone else. Ah, I feel sick just thinking about it.

As for feeling better, I think there isn't much you can do right away, sadly. You can't ignore your feelings - trust me - and some day it will be over. Either when their betrothal doesn't work out or when you graduate and don't see each other anymore, some day it will end. Hopefully it isn't the worse of the two... but I personally think you have to just let your emotions be what they are.

I know that's not great advice, but it's what I think is best.

-
-
@kinsey

[Deleted]

Dan, 

Thank you. I know you can't do anything to change the situation (neither can I) but I truly appreciate the fact that you're so willing to listen to my little struggles. It means a lot to me. 

I'm actually doing a little bit better. I mean, I miss Riley a lot, but I have a few friends who are helping me focus on other things so I'm not always thinking about him. Don't worry, I'm letting myself feel everything. Night are particularly hard for me, but I feel like I'm not wallowing in it like I was before. 

Thank you for the advice. 

So how are you doing? I hope your work is going better than my time at school, at least. 

~Kinsey

@daniel

[Deleted]

Kinsey,

Of course, anytime. I'm happy to be of help. If this was even a year ago I would have cowered from being helpful - hah - but I'm a changed man.

I'm glad you're doing better and you have support there. That's the most important part. I'm glad you're also taking the time to let yourself just deal with what you have... I haven't been doing that as much lately as I should be. I agree, night is the hardest.

You're welcome, friend.

Work is going fine, but I've been having terrible nightmares. I mean, I think they're nightmares... I'll explain, maybe you have some insight...

So I feel like my ability is... talking to me? Is that totally crazy? Like my ability is some other entity inside of me that has been taking the brunt of the pain ever since I've gotten better at controlling it. Like, I'm sending it somewhere else? But that doesn't make sense - I really thought I was doing well for almost a year now. And honestly, most of the time I feel totally fine, but then I have these freaky... moments.

Any ideas?

-
Dan

[Deleted]

Dan, 

Well ... I'm glad you've changed. Your insights- and even just having someone to talk to who understands- have truly been helpful to me. So I appreciate it!

Wait. So is it in your dreams that you feel like it's talking to you? Like, are you having conversations with your ability in your dreams? And what do you mean by freaky moments? It makes sense that your sending the emotions somewhere else, that's kind of what it feels like for me lately, sending the bad intentions to the back of my mind while focusing on the good ones. 

I ... could you elaborate a little more? Then I'll tell you what I think? At the moment, I just want to make sure I'm understanding you right. 

            ~Kinsey
@daniel

[Deleted]

Kinsey,

I'm all ears whenever you need.

I don't know if it's when I'm asleep though, Kinsey. I mean I am pretty sure I'm awake when I hear it. I have no idea. I'm so confused.

It's like there's a box inside me that I've locked all the emotions in and now they're trying to get out and eat me alive. I hear a voice, a voice that talks like it's an embodiment of my ability. Gods, Kinsey, I don't know if I'm making any sense. I think i'm going insane. I'm scared that I've done something terrible to myself by pushing my emotions aside.

But isn't focusing on the good ones a good thing? Like you're doing, like I've been doing and suggested to you. I mean, my hands are shaking. I'll finish this later.

Hey, sorry about that. Basically I hear a voice telling me that it's been holding my emotions for me, and basically that it's had enough... any ideas?

Don't worry about me, Kins. I'm okay.

-
Dan

[Deleted]

Dan, 

Well, you know I'm here for you too. 

So ... the voice is telling you that the emotions are all mad at you? Like they're going to attack you or something? Is that even possible? (I'm sorry, I'm probably not helping at all with all my questions. I'm not trying to confuse you more, I swear.)

I think focusing on the good is a good thing. It helps keep you sane and it's not like it's all you can ever do, but I think it's one of the only ways to deal with abilities like ours in a healthy way. 

Ummm, can you have conversations with the voice, or is it like the voice is just telling you that it's done? Maybe it's possible to reason with it? I don't know. 

Can we meet this break? Hogsmeade is having a festival and I'd really like to see you there if you can find the time. It would be so much easier to talk about all of this in person. 

~Kinsey

@daniel

[Deleted]

Kinsey,

Not really attacking me. I just feel guilty, I guess. I don't even understand it myself. Yeah. Yeah focusing is important I know.

I can talk to the voice. It responds to me.. though it kind of goes on it's own tangents. Reasoning with it... that's worth a try.

Yeah! That would be amazing. Let's meet the second day of the festival. Then we can find a secluded corner to hide from the people in, haha!

See you then, Kins.

-

Dan

@kinsey

[Deleted]

(Kinsey doesn't answer this letter, haha) 

--- the end ---