Can't Sleep, Can't Think (Travis)

[Deleted]

Rachel couldn't remember being so exhausted before. Then again, the last five years of her life had been spent in exhaustion, but it felt wrong now. Now that she was out of the wizarding prison, Azkaban, and back with Travis she shouldn't be so tired. She shouldn't still be struggling, but she was and Rachel knew exactly why. 

She wasn't sleeping. She didn't want to because she knew what would happen. The nightmares. They'd started back in the prison when she'd been sick. Rachel originally thought that if she ever recovered from the illness, she'd be able to sleep normally, but that wasn't the case. Even the night after she'd escaped, before she found Travis, she'd had the nightmares.

Basically, the problem was that she didn't want Travis to know. She didn't want to give him another way to see how weak she'd become, how much Azkaban changed her. So she forced herself to stay awake. When he went to bed, she'd smile and say that she wasn't tired yet and then force herself to read all night, or she'd zone out on the couch. She'd miraculously made it through two nights now. Tonight would be the third, if she could keep it up. Who needed sleep anyway? Travis didn't know. Around five o'clock, she'd sneak into the room and slip into the bed (which was the only bed in the house) while he was sound asleep. At least, she didn't think he'd noticed. He hadn't said anything, even if he was getting suspicious. 

It was starting to get late tonight and Rachel was zoning out again. She was sitting on the couch, almost unaware on anything going on around her. She was wringing her hands softly, staring at the wall and trying to think of new ways to keep herself awake tonight. It was getting tougher each night. Her body wanted sleep so badly.

@travis

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It had been three days since the walls came crumbling down Azkaban and he was on the run. Travis and Rachel eventually reunited in their old meet up spot in France, only it took Rachel much longer than he would have liked, but she made it unscathed. However, Travis still had the impending feeling that he would eventually wake up from this amazing dream and return to in his old cell.

Tonight, Travis fell asleep easily, sprawled out on the couch with Rachel until he finally retired to the bed. She was busy reading or something, so he didn't think much of it. Sleep never came hard for him, although he felt like he had slept a lifetime's worth during his sentence... Travis rolled over on the squeaky mattress, reaching his hand out to feel emptiness where Rachel would be laid beside him. Rubbing his eyes to look at the clock hung on the wall, it was past 2 in the morning, she had to be ready for bed by now. Travis slowly, and lazily, pushed himself off of the mattress to poke his head out of the door to see her on the sofa. She was zoned out, wringing her hands. What the hell.

Knocking on the wall with the hard knuckles of his closed fist, he cleared his throat. "You ready to come to bed?" he asked her expectactly, yawning into the back of his hand.

@rachel

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Rachel honestly had no idea how much time passed. She didn't pay any attention to the time after Travis left her on the couch. In all reality, she didn't pay any attention before he left either. She was too busy trying to think of new ways to keep herself awake. Yes, she knew she couldn't stay awake forever, but she was going to try for as long as she could. Maybe if she made herself ridiculously exhausted, she wouldn't have the nightmares. Doubtful, but possible. 

Suddenly, she heard a loud knocking sound and a cough, pulling her from her thoughts. Rachel gave a quiet shriek, jumping and spinning on the couch, wand already raised when she heard Travis' voice. She closed her eyes, biting her lip and taking a deep breath to try and calm herself. "Travis, I ... didn't hear you get up ..." Well, if her attitude now wasn't suspicious, she didn't know what was. Hopefully he was too tired to notice. 

Rachel rose to her feet and walked across the room toward him. "Yeah, I should be in bed by now," she answered, taking his hand as she gently tugged him back to their room. She smirked at him, "Sorry, I was thinking." Hopefully he'd let it go at that. She, on the other hand, was going to have to find some way to stay awake while lying in bed ... great. 

@travis

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Travis was half asleep when Rachel had let out an ungodly shriek and drew her wand at him. His eyes widened and he found himself ducking behind the door out of reflex, "What the f*ck!" Travis exclaimed, a laugh escaping his lips as she shook his head at her in disbelief. He rubbed his eyes, making sure that he wasn't dreaming this. Travis could tell that Rachel didn't mean to react like she had by her suspicious tone of the voice and how she apologized. Travis stepped out behind the door, listening as she admitted to not hearing him get up and shared that she was just deep in thought. That was a lie, but he didn't really care. However, these days he did care more about those kind of things... there wasn't really anything else to do while they were on the run and cooped up in the abandoned cottage.

A breath of air pulled through his nostrils and he furrowed a brow at her as he observed the dark circles under her eyes, "Are you okay..?" he asked, a hint of concern in his voice. She looked exhausted. Travis wasn't the type to pry about those things because he didn't really care, but with Rachel it was different. He only care about her, and himself.

@rachel

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It was Travis. Really, Rachel should have realized that when she heard the cough and knock behind her, but her mind instantly jumped to the guards back at Azkaban. She didn’t want to go back, which was why her immediate reaction was so severe. The sight of Travis ducking behind the door brought her back to her senses. She felt herself deflate ever so slightly, relieved and embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I- I thought someone found us,” she answered softly, unable to meet his gaze. She was so tired. All she wanted to do was sleep, but that was also the last thing she wanted. She couldn’t risk it, not yet.

Apparently Travis noticed something though. He asked her if she was okay and Rachel forced on a small smile, trying to reassure him. “I’m okay. Really tired. I … haven’t been sleeping well lately.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. She hadn’t been sleeping at all, which meant she hadn’t slept well. She bit her lip before looking up at him, trying again to tug him into the room, towards the bed. “Will you hold me?” Rachel couldn’t remember the last time she felt so vulnerable, but she needed him right now. Even though she didn’t want to sleep, even though she was going to do her best to fight it, maybe things would be a little better if Travis’ arms were around her.

@travis

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Travis waved away her apologies. His faced softened ever so slightly when she admitted that she did it because she thought someone found them, seemingly embarrassed by it. There wasn't much to it, he probably would have done the same if she caught him off guard. Travis hoped that she wasn't going to want to talk about whatever was bothering her right now, he was too tired for that. 

When she asked him to hold her, his head tilted to the side and he kept a neutral expression on his face. He had to resist the laugh from slipping from his lips because it wasn't something that Rachel normally requested him to do. His jaw clenched, and he nodded his head at her wordlessly, agreeing easily to the proposal, "Yeah, I'll hold you." he told her with a whisper, pulling her into his body and laying onto the squeaky mattress. His arms wrapped around her as his chin rested in a faceful of hair. The hair in his face didn't bother him as much as it used to before Azkaban, or even the numb he'd be suffering from soon, but it was better than being alone. That was for sure. "You're going to be okay, try to sleep." he cooed before drifting off to sleep with deep breaths and raises of the chest.

@rachel

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Once she'd explained herself, Travis didn't seemed annoyed at her at all, which was a relief. Maybe he was tired enough that he'd forget this whole episode by the morning, though she doubted it. He might ask questions then, but she could tell that at this moment, all he wanted to do was go to bed, and she didn't blame him for that. 

Rachel couldn't read the expression on his face when she asked if he'd hold her. For some reason, that made her feel more embarrassed for having asked him, but she didn't show it. The moment he answered her in a whisper, she relaxed and a slow smile covered her face. She nodded, knowing she didn't need to say anything else. Travis held her close as they laid down and Rachel felt her body relax in his arms. She sighed, cuddling a little closer to him when he told her that she'd be okay and she should try to sleep. Yeah right. 

Rachel could feel the moment when Travis fell asleep. It happened quickly after they laid down, but she didn't mind. Her eyes were open as she stared at the wall in front of her, trying to thing of things to keep her awake- anything really. She thought of the past few days with Travis, of the heists they used to pull off back before everything went wrong, but nothing held her attention for long. She often caught herself while her eyelids were fluttering closed and then forced herself to remain awake, but she couldn't do it forever. She was too warm and comfortable in Travis' arms. 

Her dreams started out fine, with her and Travis together and well again, confident and planning a good time as they often did. Then everything went wrong. Suddenly, they were in the middle of a heist and Travis had his arm around some other girl, holding her close as he told Rachel he was done with her. Before she could escape, she was caught and thrown into an old-style dungeon and everything went black. She was entirely and completely alone and forgotten, left in the dungeon on her own for who-knew how long. Her worst nightmare. 

Unbeknownst to her, she was shaking hard in Travis' arms, silent tears flowing down her cheeks as she breathed the words "No," and "Travis, please," repeatedly. It was quiet enough that had she been in Azkaban- like she had when the nightmares began- no one would be able to hear her. 

@travis

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Travis wasn't asleep for long. His arm was still situated under Rachels head, causing it to go numb about two hours ago, but it didn't bother him. She seemed to be struggling with something deep down inside. He wasn't used to seeing that side to the blonde. It was a bit of a shock.

His eyes fluttered open and he pushed himself off of the mattress to sit upwards, unintentionally pushing Rachel off of him in the process, which didn't seemed to bother her much... She was whimpering in her sleep, appearing to be having a bad dream. Travis woke up once she started to cry his name, which was oddly spine tingling, even for him. "Rachel" he said after her, shaking her slightly by the shoulder, but  her eyes were still fluttering under her lids."Rachel, wake up, you're having a bad dream." he demanded, shaking her a little harder. This was weird.


@rachel

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Rachel didn't realize she was still sleeping. She had no idea that everything was a dream, a nightmare. She didn't know that she'd woken Travis up, that he'd definitely know something was wrong now, if he somehow miraculously didn't know it before. All that felt real to her in those moments was the darkness and the solitude, the fact that no one cared about her or would care if something like that happened to her. Of course it wasn't real, of course Travis cared, but she wasn't rational enough to realize that in her sleep. 

In the midst of her dream, she heard a familiar voice saying her name. She knew the voice, but couldn't place it. She spun around in the dungeon, searching for whoever was speaking, but no one was there. She was going crazy, losing her mind. She felt herself start to shake, harder and harder, felt something on her shoulder and she suddenly woke up. 

Travis. It was his voice. He knew. She froze, trying to sense what he was doing. He was still touching her shoulder and Rachel felt herself deflate. She couldn't keep this a secret anymore. She turned to face Travis, her eyes wide and red-rimmed, her cheeks wet with tears. Her mouth opened, but she didn't know what to say. She didn't know what he was thinking. She turned to hide her face in the pillow, unable to read him right now. She was just too tired and still had nightmare-Travis in her head. Rachel moaned, wanting Travis to start the talking ... if he even wanted to talk right now. Maybe he'd rather wait until the morning. 

@travis

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Travis was too sleepy to grasp what the hell was happening. There was a small part of his mind that was pretty sure he was dreaming everything. But then when Rachel turned to face him, caving in the mattress. Her eyes locked his with a scared, but utterly exhausted look. "What the hell." was the only words that spilled from his mouth. His tone lacked any empathy in that moment, which was natural for Travis, but he found himself really staring at Rachel wide eyed for a second after he pushed himself up to grasp his surroundings. "Are you...okay?" he finally asked, the dead quietness of the house filling his ears in that moment. The distant chirp of crickets could be heard from outside the window and their breathing, but that was all.

@rachel

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Rachel actually winced at the first words that came out of Travis' mouth. They weren't surprising in the least; it was obvious that she'd woken him up with her nightmare, but that didn't make it any easier. He sounded annoyed and bewildered and she wasn't sure she was in the right state of mind to handle the situation at the moment. Only a few seconds ago, he was tormenting her in her dream. While she was pretty sure that Travis really cared about her and that he wouldn't leave her for some other girl, that had always been a fear of hers. That he'd find someone he liked more, who was more useful to him, and that Rachel would be left behind. She didn't say anything, burying her face in the pillow. 

Then he was asking if she was okay and Rachel froze. She wanted to look up at him, but at the same time it was the last thing she wanted to do. She shook her head, though she didn't lift it from the pillow. She did turn it so he'd be able to hear her though, closing her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the disappointment or annoyance on his face when he realized how weak she was. "I ... can't sleep, Trav," her voice was raspy and emotional. "Not without having nightmares." There. It was out in the open now, and at least she wasn't stammering or crying anymore. She sounded about as strong and confident as she could, all things considered. 

@travis

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Travis could hear Rachel’s pain behind her voice, she was struggling from something deeper than the surface. There was an inner battle going on that he didn’t know about. He had a feeling like this was something that had built up over time on the run, and possibly deeper rooted from time stowed away in Azkaban to be forgotten about.

”Rachel.” he said calmly, breaking the silence of the room, trying to ground her somehow. Travis was never good at feelings or expressing emotions but he cared enough about Rachel try to help her. They had a lot of free time while on the run, that was for sure. ”You’re going to be okay.” he assured her, sliding across the mattress to wrap his arms around her frail frame, sinking into the other side of the worn out mattress. ”I got you, Rach. Try to sleep, I’m right here and won’t let anything happen to you.” he told her, trying to offer her security. Travis wasn’t sure what to do.

@rachel

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Travis spoke her name and, almost against her will, Rachel opened her eyes to look over at him. He wasn't annoyed with her. Or at least, he wasn't letting anything like that show through. She felt herself start to relax ever so slightly. She was a little nervous he would ask what her nightmares were about, but the next thing he said was a reassurance as he moved closer and wrapped his arms around her. Rachel exhaled as she cuddled closer to him, breathing in his familiar scent and trying to relax. He muttered that he had her, that he wouldn't let anything happen to her. Her eyes drifted closed again. "Thank you," she muttered against him. She honestly couldn't have imagine him responding this way, but she was so grateful. She stayed close to him, quickly falling into a light, dreamless sleep. 

@travis

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Travis was relieved that Rachel listened and came closer to him, nuzzling against him and allowing him to offer her security in her most vulnerable moment. Truthfully, he was far too tired to talk about issues right now... It was something he never enjoyed doing. Luckily, Rachel eventually drift off into a slumber, her longer, deeper breaths being a good indicator. Travis followed soon after, carried off into a deep, uninterrupted sleep.

--The next morning--

The sunlight leaked through the curtains of the secluded cottage. Travis lay with his arm around Rachel, still keeping her close, while one leg lay sprawled off the mattress. His chest raised slowly up and down as was slowly brought back to consciousness from birds chirping in a tree outside of the window. Travis turned over on the squeaky mattress to rub his eyes, cursing to himself when he moved his numb arm out from under her head... he didn't mean to stir Rachel from her sleep that she desperately needed.

@rachel

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Rachel's sleep was light, which was in some ways a great relief to her. Even though she woke up repeatedly throughout the night, she was so tired that once she realized it was Travis' arms around her she could fall back asleep. No dreams or nightmares, which was more than she could have asked for. Once the light started shining in, the woke for a moment before curling up close to Travis. She wasn't ready to wake up. She fell back asleep until she felt something moving, jolting her a bit. Rachel groaned, rolling over a little, further away from Travis. Why was she suddenly cold. "Travis?" she muttered, eyes still closed as she tried to decide if she wanted to get up or not. If he didn't answer, she'd definitely wake up quickly. 

@travis