Lost Without You (Finley)

[Deleted]

March 5, 2025

Jess honestly hoped that she'd have things all figured out by now, that she'd know what to say to Fin and that her emotions would be under control. They weren't. The things she'd heard last night broke her inside. Fin was one of them. He had to be. Why else would he meet with someone who wanted to help him get rid of his mother? Why else would he have muttered Elaine's name the way he did? But ... if all that was true, why did he have anything to do with her. She was a muggleborn, the very type of person Elaine attacked whenever she got the chance. Why would Fin date her? Was it some sort of mission, getting close to her so he could find out what the daily prophet knew or something? Then again, she didn't know a lot about what other journalists wrote about. None of it made sense to her. 

She never actually got a response from Fin saying whether or not he'd be able to come over tonight, but Jess got ready all the same. She dressed in dark jeans and a cute, button-up pink blouse. She did her makeup, even though if he actually came she'd probably cry and ruin it all. She spent most of the afternoon sitting on her couch, hugging her knees as she tried to figure out what to say. Part of her was furious at him for this, for putting her in this position. The other part was hurt. She wasn't sure which side would come out when he arrived, but she tried to take deep breaths and calm herself, just waiting to hear that familiar knock on her door. 

@finley

[Deleted]

Jess had invited him over tonight, which wasn't abnormal. He was still in a numb state because of yesterday... Elaine encouraging him to kill off his own mother. She believed that was the best way to handle people who hurt you and... even though he didn't agree with that, he could see her point of view. His mother had caused him pain his entire life and it was only getting more and more. He wouldn't be able to hide her from the world forever, not when her books were getting so popular that they were even being featured in Haunted houses in Britain for heavens sake.

The vial was still in his bag as he approached her apartment. It took him a second to knock, being too wrapped up in his thoughts. But he did and he waited in his jeans and reddish grey knit sweater. It was summer, sure, but he always felt himself being a little colder than everyone else. Maybe it was his insides manifesting... maybe once he finally left Elaine, he wouldn't be so cold anymore.

@jessavette

[Deleted]

By the time he finally knocked on her door, Jess was laying on the couch with her eyes closed as she tried to figure out what she was going to say. She heard his knock and thought about getting up for a moment, but then just flicked her wand and opened the door that way. She didn't want to move yet. She wasn't even sure she was ready to see Fin yet. "Fin?" she called, her voice breaking just a little bit at the end. Hopefully he wouldn't notice, but if he did it wouldn't really change anything. He'd know soon enough that everything was the opposite of good between them. She listened for his footsteps, shoulders tensing up slightly as her stomach started to roll again. 

@finley

[Deleted]

The door opened and he smiled, expecting to see her, but she called his name from the couch. That was a little odd, but he didn't think anything of it. He stepped in, looking over at her in her cute pink shirt. His worries vanished, and he waved, but she was facing the other way. "Hey babe," he greeted. The way she had said his name was weird but he was too happy to see her to really read into it. He walked toward her, coming around the front of the couch so that she could see him. "So I thought tonight we could have chine- hey, are you okay?" he saw her face and... there was something wrong, he couldn't miss it.

@jessavette

[Deleted]

Jess' heart fluttered when she heard Fin's voice calling to her. For a moment she wanted to pretend like last night never happened, just run into his arms and ask him to hold her forever. She didn't want to do what she was about to do, just for that second. How come just hearing his voice got such a reaction out of her? She scrunched her eyes closed for a second. He moved to the front of the couch, into her line of sight and Jess started to sit up. She didn't want to be sitting down like a wimp for this whole thing. He started talking about how they should get Chinese, but then cut off. Of course he noticed something was wrong. Jess wasn't too good at hiding her feelings, especially around people she cared about. Despite everything that happened, she still cared about Fin, even though she also wasn't sure if she ever wanted to see him again. 

She shook her head, not wanting to lie to him. "No," she muttered, still not looking up at him. "I ... we need to- to talk." Jess bit her lip anxiously, taking a deep breath to try and prepare herself for the conversation that was about to happen. She knew she was being vague, that she might be freaking Fin out, but she didn't care. He freaked her out first. This whole thing was his fault and it ticked her off.

@finley

[Deleted]

She shook her head and he immediately frowned. She wasn't okay. He slowly moved to sit down on the couch and she sat up, but she wasn't looking at him. He sat there when she said those horrible words 'we need to talk' and felt his shoulders slump forward. At first he had the innocent thought that he had done some stupid boyfriend thing that she was mad about, and that was sad enough, but then when he suddenly realized that his deepest, darkest secret was still out there... he stopped breathing.

"And?" was all he could say. No, there was no way she'd figured it out. He was planning to talk to her about it soon! She couldn't have caught on before hand, "if it was because of missing the movie last week," he stopped himself. She wouldn't be mad about that. She knew he got called into work.

@jessavette

[Deleted]

She felt Fin sit next to her on the couch, but Jess still couldn't look at him. She was just glad that he wasn't trying to wrap his arms around her or something. Jess wasn't sure how she'd react to something like that. They sat there in silence for a bit. Jess was waiting ... part of her hoping that he'd bring it up before she had to. If he said something first, she wouldn't have to break it off, would she? Part of her knew that was a lie. Even if he told her now, he hadn't told her before she found out on her own. He hadn't necessarily lied to her, but he did keep a major part of his life from her. How was she supposed to ignore that?

His next words made her cringe, realizing he wouldn't give her what she wanted. For some crazy reason, he didn't want her to know the truth. She opened her mouth to answer, but he was already talking about the movie he missed last week. Jess instantly shook her head, though her eyes widened at the same time. Did he really back out on her because of work, or was it for her? Suddenly, the uncertainly hurt like a knife again. Jess felt the tears come to her eyes as the anger came back again.

"So, how long have you known Shannon?" Jess asked, venom in her voice. Fin better know who Shannon was if he was meeting with her, he'd better know she wasn't accusing him of an affair. She was telling him she knew about Elaine, without coming out and saying it. She closed her eyes another second before turning to face him, "Why are you with me? If you work with her, why in the world would you spend your time with a mudblood?!" Jess used the name people like Elaine called her. Part of her couldn't understand why Finley would associate himself with anyone like that. She didn't notice the fact that she was crying, but they were angry tears. "Were you trying to get an inside with the Daily Prophet or something?" Jess' hands were balled into fists as she glared at him. "Just in case you haven't realized it yet, I don't know anything important. Except for this ... now." 

@finley

[Deleted]

She opened her mouth, the closed it. Then she shook her head, her eyes widening. Then her eyes started to fill with tears and he leaned forward, toward her - but then the words came out. Shannon. That tone in Jess's voice was like a knife stabbing into his gut. He backed up, and immediately stood. He felt dizzy, like he was going to stumble to the ground any second, but still he stood. She talked about 'her' and he knew she meant Elaine, who else could inspire such venom in her? "Jess-" he muttered but it was too soft for her to hear. She kept going, calling herself a mudblood and talking about her job, how she didn't know anything important. He , hook his head, "no, no, I love you," he said firmly, but he knew that wasn't going to be enough for her. How could he explain this? He had planned to approach this a different way...

But now his eyes were swelling with tears, too, "she's my best friend, Jess. I couldn't abandon my best friend," he choked on the last word and shook his head, willing the tears to come back. He toughened up, as he always did. "I couldn't leave her."

@jessavette

[Deleted]

Fin moved away. He moved away from her, which seemed to tear her heart a different way. She was right. She had to be right. Why else would he respond this way? She saw his lips move, but couldn't hear what he said. He was shaking his head, telling Jess he loved her, but how could he? "How? How could you love me if-" she cut herself off, not wanting to continue. She looked away from him, "I'm not the right kind of person for you to love. Not if you're ..." Jess couldn't finish these sentences. She couldn't bear what was happening right now. "Why did you take me to Dublin?"she breathed. Why did he do any of this? He couldn't care about her the way he said he did. He wouldn't have done this to her if he really loved her.

He started to defend himself, saying that Elaine was his best friend, that he couldn't abandon her. Jess' eyebrows furrowed and she stood up too, her tone resigned when she spoke. "Fine, you couldn't leave your best friend. Fine." Jess shook her head before looking up to him. "You couldn't tell me anything either? Did you think you were going to be able to keep this a secret forever? Do you have any idea how ... horrifying it was to be there last night? Standing behind a dumpster, doing my job and hearing some woman encouraging you to kill your mother and figuring it all out on my own?!" Her voice broke and Jess lifted her hand to her mouth as the tears fell again and she took a step away from Fin. She hated the tears, hated that she couldn't let out her feelings without crying, but her heart was breaking. "Are you going to do it?" she whispered, unable to help herself. She had to know what he was thinking.

@finley

[Deleted]

She asked how he could love her, saying she wasn't the right person if he was... well, clearly one of Elaines followers who hated muggle borns. She asked about Dublin and he shook his head a little, jaw dropped in awe. "Because I wanted to be with you. For all the reasons I said I did, Jess," he responded, but he was started to lose his ability to think clearly. This wasn't how he had planned for this to happen. This was purely terrible.

She finally looked at him, repeating that he couldn't leave his best friend. She questioned how he couldn't tell her anything, how he was going to keep the secret. How she was there last night, seeing him talk to Shannon behind a dumpster. His brow furrowed, "I'm not-" he started, but her hand went over her mouth as she cried, taking a step back fro him. She asked if he was going to do it and he froze. Then, all he could do was whisper, "I don't know."

@jessavette

[Deleted]

Fin insisted that he took her to Dublin because he wanted to be with her, for all the reasons he told her before. Jess shook her head, her mind reeling. She knew Fin cared about her. At least, she believed he did, but if he truly cared about her why wouldn't he tell her the truth? "Fin ..." she breathed his name, wishing this never happened. "I just ... I can't believe any of this," she whispered, shaking her head.

"You don't know?" the words left Jess instantly, before she could stop them and she stepped away from him again. "I ... I don't think I can do this." her voice broke again. "I love you. I thought we'd always-" A sob cut Jess off, but she forced herself to continue. "I don't even know if I know you anymore. You- what, you help her attack people like me? Are you in the middle of it all?" Jess demanded. Her chin wobbled and she breathed, "Were you ever going to tell me?" 

@finley

[Deleted]

She said his name and for a moment he thought that he had a chance... but it was followed with her saying that she couldn't believe any of it. Anything he'ds aid or done was now null and void... aside from being a slave to Elaine.

She questioned that he didn't know about his mother, and her next words make him swallow hard. She said she loved him, and then when she sobbed he did too, but his was silent and he swallowed it down again. She said she didn't know him anymore, for attacking people like her. He didn't answer. In the middle of it all. Was he ever going to tell you. "I needed to find the right time, I needed to..." he paused, shaking his head and taking a moment to wipe his face with his hand. "I needed to find a way to make it all work... Jess," he shook his head again, "she'll kill me if I leave her. And you, too," he completed stopped crying now, sobering up, standing tall, "and I'm not ready to leave her yet."

@jessavette

[Deleted]

"The right time?!" Jess' voice was shrill and high. She didn't mean it to be, but it was. "How were you going to find a right time for that?" She lifted her hand, wiping away the tears. It didn't matter. They were flowing from her eyes. now. "How could you make it work?" That was one thing she couldn't understand. He was best friends will Elaine Dupree, the woman who'd been terrorizing and murdering for years, and Fin was trying to "make it work". Make what work? Her eyes widened when he said that she'd kill him if he left. What? He added that he wasn't ready to leave Elaine yet and Jess felt herself break completely. "If you can't leave her, then ... I'm going to have to leave you. I just, I can't do this Fin. I'm so sorry." She covered her mouth again, staring at him as her own words registered. She wanted to stop herself, to take the words back, but she couldn't. He wasn't the guy she thought he was. Not anymore. 

@finley

[Deleted]

Now she was really freaking out, practically yelling at him. He winced at every sentence, knowing that she was entirely right. He was a horrible person, this wasn't news to him. Hearing it come out of her mouth just made him go entirely numb, his limbs seemed to stop working, his mouth dried up, his heart stopped beating. She said if he couldn't leave her then she was going to have to leave him. He wanted to tell her not to, he wanted to beg her to stay and trust that he was going to work something out but... he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. He held her gaze for a moment, then shook his head, then turned away. He walked toward the door and when he reached it, he pulled the vial out of his bag. He turned to the side, setting the vial down on the table nearest to him. He didn't look at her. "Please, destroy this for me," he said firmly, then he turned back to the door, "I'll fix this, Jess. Trust me on that," then he walked out the door and apparated away.

@jessavette

[Deleted]

Jess could see him flinch as she all but yelled at him and she knew she was hurting him. Jess felt so bad. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Fin in any way, but he started it. He started it by being with Elaine and not telling her. They'd been dating for almost a year. He had plenty of time to tell her the truth, but he hadn't. And now ... he wasn't willing to leave Elaine. Jess couldn't be with him knowing that he might be with Elaine when he wasn't with her. How did she know he wasn't helping the crazy woman kill more people?

She met his eyes after saying that she'd have to leave him, hoping that he'd change his mind and decide to leave Elaine instead. Surely that would be better? Couldn't he do it for her? Jess waited, but Fin just shook his head and turned away. He was leaving. Jess reached a hand to him, wanting to ask him to stay, but she couldn't speak anymore. She took a step towards him, but he was already at the door, pulling something out of his bag. He left it on her table, a vial, but Jess wasn't watching that. Her eyes were fixed on his. Fin promised to fix this somehow, telling her to trust him before he left, closing the door behind him. The second he was gone, Jess made her way to the door. She cried against it, turning her back and sinking to the ground. She didn't get up for hours. 

--- the end ---

@finley