kids these days | hazel & alfie

[alfie edward o'callaghan]

APRIL 15 2026

Alfie’s second year of teaching at Hogwarts was close to a finish, and he hated to admit it, but the Professor was feeling more on edge than ever these days. He wasn’t sure if a Super Moon was approaching, or if he was just more irritated than usual due to his personal life, well, for lack of better terms…falling apart. Friends with Benefits with Esther was a horrible idea and now they were walking on eggshells that was called their friendship. He found reasons to linger longer at school, or the bar, since they shared a flat and he couldn’t be bothered to endure yet another awkward or sexually tense moment. Alfie wished he could just turn things back because their friendship was one of the best things that happened to him since his big move to the UK. Now he felt confused, annoyed, and miserable, every single day.

This afternoon, Alfie was overcoming challenges that were more career oriented. It wasn’t often that Alfie hated students but "Pony Tail Derek" was one of them, at the top of the list in neon permanent marker. He was a foul, disruptive, loud mouthed heathen, and to be quite honest, a waste of space in his class. Someone told him Herbology was the ‘easy’ class so he was a seventh year enrolled assuming he’d be able to skate by. Wrong.

Some days Alfie wasn’t sure how he’d get through the day without calling a child a “Fucking Idiot”. Usually he was calm headed but Pony Tail Derek knew how to ruffle his feathers. Especially lately.

Alfie marched out of the greenhouses as soon as students were dismissed for lunch. There were a group of kids who’d linger around the greenhouses during their breaks, and most days Alfie didn’t mind, but today he needed to get away from teenagers for a bit. He allowed them to stay with promises they wouldn't burn the place down. He’d rather go for a smoke but the teachers lounge would be the second best place. Upon entering he was relieved to be the first one in, welcomed by a fresh pot of coffee. Alfie beelined for the coffee pot, pouring a hot cup of black coffee and staring into it with a stoic expression wordlessly.

What a shit day.

Hazel Rosalie Burke

[Hazel Rosalie Burke]

15 April 2026

Goodness, it was grating to be around children all day. As usual, Hazel hadn’t quite thought this plan through. She’d started teaching almost two years ago now with a whole batch of new professors, and the thought process had seemed so simple, so obvious back then. Ivy was coming to Hogwarts, so naturally Hazel would too. Her older sister really understood the finer things in life – outrageous and modern fashion, long days on the beach with fruity cocktails, and naturally, having a little fun when it came to Muggles and how absolutely useless they were. So when Ivy had announced that she’d accepted a teaching position at Hogwarts, Hazel hadn’t even thought twice about coming along for the ride. Even better if she’d get to pass on all her impressive knowledge on alchemy to those cute little impressionable kiddos.

But the majority of them weren’t cute or impressionable at all. Sure, there were a few she quite liked – unafraid to take risks or test their theories in front of the whole class. There were even some students she thought had quite the aptitude for the Purifier cause someday, with the right sorts of ideas about striving for perfection and preserving the central ideals of magical society. But the majority of students were little snots, who never listened in class or had the most ghastly sense of fashion she’d ever seen. Truly, there were some fashion trends better left in the graveyard of failed ideas, not paraded around like they had something to be proud of. Unfortunately, these were the types of students Hazel had to deal with most often, and it was much less fun to see them in her office than the ones who wanted to check in on her current projects and pick up some extra pointers.

“Oh for the last time, Fedora, you absolutely did not write this essay in invisible ink,” Hazel said irritably. She never bothered to learn most students’ names, instead referring to them by some of their most identifiable features – like this poor poor Slytherin that thought he was the coolest thing around in his fedora. “I am, like, so flexible when it comes to essays. Write them in pink ink, or crayon, or with your eyes closed for all I care. But you can’t just not do it!” She huffed, then wrinkled her nose and made a dismissive motion with her hand. “I’m giving you until next class to turn in something on the Hermetic elements. Go on, shoo.” With that, she all but shoved him out of her office and followed him out, pout on her face as she made directly for the staff room. With her luck, Ivy would be there and ready to listen to Hazel’s newest complaints about ridiculous students and their apparent disinterest in alchemy. “Ivy, you will not believe the little twat I just had in my office,” Hazel announced dramatically as she entered the room. To her immense disappointment, her sister wasn’t inside, which meant she was probably still in class. Still, Hazel perked up slightly when she saw who it was and the intent way he was studying the cup in his hands. “Well now,” she said with a smirk on her face, “what did that poor coffee ever do to you?”

alfie edward o'callaghan

[alfie edward o'callaghan]

APRIL 15 2026

Alfie sat quietly in a lumpy arm chair staring at his steaming cup of coffee. He hoped he could shake his grumpy mood after getting his second dose of caffeine for the day. Alfie was pulled out of his thoughts and tore his eyes away from the mug when he heard a familiar voice call out for 'Ivy', stating she wouldn't believe what had happened in her office. Calling someone a 'twat', he assumed it was a student. The word always made him laugh, especially if someone was referring to a student.

"Exist." he answered her dryly with an eye roll but he followed with a smile. "Tell me about what that twat did in your class. Alfie demanded in a more conversational tone. "We can exchange tales." he told her with a chuckle, nonchalantly raising the mug to his lips to take a sip of the hot coffee.

The Herbology Professor enjoyed chatting with Hazel because she was sassy. He thought her attitude was funny and she was also very pretty. Often they would chat in the staff lounge when they were able to get away from their classrooms and he always enjoyed their encounters. There were times Alfie debated having a coffee pot in his office but he wouldn't have any reason to leave his classroom, which meant he wouldn't talk with his coworkers like Hazel much, so he decided against it.

Hazel Rosalie Burke

[Hazel Rosalie Burke]

Thinking about that troublesome student threatened a headache, and that just wouldn’t do. No, because then Hazel would frown, and everyone knew that frowning caused wrinkles. And then they’d have a real problem here because Hazel, not normally a violent person, might throttle whoever dared to give her frown lines. So she huffed dramatically and took a seat across from Alfie. She liked the Herbology professor, even if she found his subject…a little too close to dirt for comfort. Like gross, who even wanted to be surrounded by dirty plants all day? And outside in the sun so much without adequate protection? She didn’t even want to know what her skin would look like in another decade in that sort of scenario. Still, as icky as Herbology was, Alfie was decidedly more interesting. He always had the absolute best gossip to share, could do stunning impressions of the annoying students they had in common, and was easy on the eyes. For all of those reasons, he was one of Hazel’s favorite coworkers (besides her sister, of course).

“I’m not sure you could handle it,” Hazel replied coyly, “He’s a real nightmare. I have to call him into my office like every week, which is so not fun for me. Like, don’t we all have better things to do?” She accompanied this last statement with an eye roll, wrinkling her nose in disgust. In reality, she didn’t have much better to do, because this castle was so boring. Besides teaching class and planning for the next one, there weren’t many things to do for fun. Maybe she’d work on her metal charming if she had a free moment, or cook up some fantastical scheme to show to her siblings. Even more rarely, sometimes she would pop down to Hogsmeade because even a small collection of sleepy little huts was more interesting than this dreary castle. But Alfie’s deadpan expression ignited her inner gossip and Hazel leaned forward in interest, placing her chin in the palm of her hand. “Sounds like you have a story for me, Alfie,” she said conspiratorially, shooting him one of her trademark smirks. “Maybe if you make it worth my while, I’ll tell you something interesting.” Then her gaze settled on the coffee cup Alfie was bringing to his lips. She swiped it swiftly so she could peer inside the mug, then clicked her tongue at the other professor. “This is only coffee. How boring,” she scolded, although she hid her smirk by taking a quick sip anyway just to check. She held onto his mug as she raised an eyebrow at Alfie. His move.

alfie edward o'callaghan

[alfie edward o'callaghan]

APRIL 15 2026

Hazels sassy presence had already brought a smile to his face. It sounded like she had familiar issues so he was glad he wasn't alone. He swatted the air in front of him. ”Me? Can’t handle it? Pfft.” he let out a hearty laugh and head shake from side to side. He hadn’t been a teacher for very long but he had already seen a fair share of fucked up things. Some things he wished he could forget, but they were eternally burned into his memory. Sometimes he had a feeling like he was too ‘cool’, maybe kids thought they could get away with shit around him, and that was why he constantly dealt with it? Eh, kids will be kids…

He chuckled when Hazel looked down at her coffee with dissatisfaction stating that it was a shame that it was only coffee. Mirroring her expression, he tilted the mug toward her, ”We can pretend there’s whiskey in it and hope for some sort of placebo affect.” he said in a more nerdy tone, ending with a chuckle.

Alfie sat up, straightening a bit as he nursed his coffee mug in his hands. ”Lemme tell you about a little terror who I like to endearingly call ’Pony Tail Derek’…” he started in a more story book narrator voice. His jaw clenched slightly when he said the kids name, and he hated that he was aware of it, because it meant this kid really struck a nerve with him. Alfie took a sip of his coffee for dramatic effect. “Pony Tail Derek told me he didn't want to be in class anymore today. Smart kid, but insanely lazy. He asked to go to the office, nurse — anywhere else. I told him he wasn't going anywhere until he started passing my class. Five minutes later, he came up holding his bleeding ear and smugly asked to go to the nurse. This lil shit took a tack out of my wall and pierced his own ear! He won that round.” Alfie said with an irritated chuckle. Now the floodgates were opened. He took a breath before sharing another, “I have another Star Student who pulled my office door off the hinges by running into it.. This is the same kid that got his head stuck in a flower pot a couple of weeks ago.” Alfie sighed into his coffee mug with a chuckle shaking his head. What had his life become? He couldn't believe he moved over seas to become a glorified babysitter.

Alfie shot his colleague a comical glance that insinuated, 'that good enough?'.

Hazel Rosalie Burke

[Hazel Rosalie Burke]

Oh, Alfie was fun. Hazel loved anybody that could match her energy, and between the two of them the chaotic potential shot into the stratosphere. Because look, there were some professors that just took themselves way too seriously. Protecting the sanctity of their subject, providing a dignified personal example for the young and impressionable students to follow…blah blah blah, all those stuffy and self-important thoughts. Hazel knew better than that! The kids didn’t want someone to lecture down at them about what was right and wrong – they needed to be inspired by being shown exactly how magical their world was. And Alfie got that, and was never too chicken for anything Hazel could dream up.

Hazel pouted at the lack of whisky in the mug, and she scrutinized Alfie’s cup closely as she peered inside. “Forget the philosopher’s stone! I’ll retire the day someone thinks up a formula to transmute coffee into whisky.” She gave a hum of contemplation as she swirled the liquid in the cup, giving a crooked smile as she created a little vortex that sent drops of coffee flying everywhere – except onto her robes, of course. Hazel always kept her appearance immaculate and up-to-date on all the latest styles, and unfortunately coffee stains were not one of them. But as Alfie began his story, she forgot all about the little hurricane she’d started creating and set the cup down carelessly on the table to lean forward in conspiratorial interest. Her eyes drifted down to his (flawless) jawline and she smirked at the obvious sign of his irritation with ‘Pony Tail Derek’ (Merlin, she hated this kid already). “You need to relax, babe. It’s such a waste to get wound-up over this when there are much more interesting ways to make that happen,” she interrupted his story to inform him, a smirk curling on her lips again.

But she was actually quite keen to hear all the reasons she should be glad this little monster hadn’t registered for Alchemy, so she leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs in a pose that absolutely screamed ‘I don’t care about anything.’ She gave a snort at Alfie’s description, which turned into a full-blown deep laugh of appreciation at the kid who’d gotten his head stuck in a flowerpot. “Oh, they are getting dumber, aren’t they?” she agreed, twirling her hair around a finger in amusement. “But I can beat that. I’ve got to keep an eye on mine constantly. One of my Gryffindors knocked himself out with chloroform the other day. He needed “to be sure” that it hadn’t gone bad. His words!” Hazel rolled her eyes. She'd certainly taken a long minute before ending the lesson early to take him to the Hospital Wing. “Then I had to take it off my curriculum. As if it’s my fault he’s got dragon dung for brains! They only want me to teach all the boring things, theory and history of the elements. But where's the fun in that?”

alfie edward o'callaghan