Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight That… (Bianca)

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

Following their last conversation, Xiulan knew that she owed it to Bianca Rivera to be there for her, and the expression that had been on the younger woman's face as Xiulan had opened the door of her flat to her had been enough of an indication that even the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement hadn't been receiving the support that she needed from within the Ministry. Truly, Bianca looked awful, though of course Xiulan didn't say that. She had been through enough in only a matter of days and didn't need anyone commenting on how she happened to look.

Instead, Xiulan had ushered her inside and into a plush armchair that she had conjured up for her, worried that Bianca might topple over in her exhaustion if she were seated in one of the two wooden chairs at the center of the room. Xiulan had fallen into enough trances around her flat to know that it wouldn't have been the end of the world, but it wouldn't have been particularly comfortable, either.

After confirming with Bianca that she was okay to be left alone, Xiulan had excused herself to prepare her some tea and something to eat. Once the tea was ready, she placed the tea set upon the regular table for the moment and conjured up a smaller side table so that Bianca didn't have to get up. Xiulan then moved the tea set to the smaller table so that it was within Bianca's reach and poured her a cup.

Before leaving for the kitchen, Xiulan looked to Bianca. "Do you have any allergies or dietary restrictions, Bianca?" she asked her, wanting to check that she wouldn't be serving her anything that might be a problem. "I have some Portuguese tarts from a Chinese bakery, if you'd like," Xiulan offered. "They're sort of like custard tarts," she explained in reference to the British pastry, though the Macanese egg tarts were—as the name would suggest—influenced by the Portuguese.

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

19 May 2026

Bianca hadn’t been expecting the phoenix. But then again, nothing from the past week had even remotely made her radar in what she could have potentially expected from the job, so the sudden phoenix was a fitting metaphor for the chaotic series of events her life had become. She’d barely left the Ministry since returning from Hogwarts, because there was just too much to do. She’d already been to see the Minister, although that was a waste of time more than anything else. Minister Krum had already proven himself to be an apathetic head of government, with little interest in advancing his own agenda and reacting to problematic events simply by dumping them on the to-do list of his Head of Law Enforcement. But even setting that aside, processing the massive influx of Purifier captives was taking its toll on the department’s bureaucratic channels, and it was going to be the most massive undertaking she’d been through since entering the job. And she was doing it all with the eyes – and criticism – of the public hanging over her. No pressure.

She startled slightly as the phoenix suddenly appeared on her desk in a burst of flame, dropping a letter in front of her before disappearing into smoke a moment later before she could process the magical bird's appearance. Bianca had been hurriedly eating her lunch – a granola bar – while reviewing the latest confession dropped off by one of her Aurors, but she stopped to open the envelope with one hand. Her curiosity demanded it more than anything else. The signature at the bottom made her pause, because Bianca had just about forgotten about Xiulan and the rest of the world outside the Ministry ever since Ana Karkaroff had burst through her door with key information on the Purifiers. But just because Bianca had been living in the Ministry – eating the occasional sandwich from the cart parked just outside the Atrium, or catching a few hours of sleep on the cot she’d step up inside her office – well, that didn’t mean the rest of the world had stopped existing. And Xiulan had been a source of comfort before, the two women who came from such different magical backgrounds but shared many of the same insecurities.

Do I really have the time to visit? Bianca asked herself in the beginning of what would usually be a long internal debate, but a tremor had started in her hands and her attention was diverted as she dropped the confession and flexed them experimentally. After a few moments, the tremor subsided, but Bianca continued to stare at her hands. Taking a deep breath, she finally stopped – stopped frantically moving from report to report, stopped furiously reviewing her mental checklist, stopped checking her schedule to see how many minutes until the next high-level meeting and whether there would be time to eat before it. She just stopped, and that was the first time she began to notice that – she wasn’t okay. The hunger pains in her stomach finally registered in her mind, and a deep exhaustion began to cloud her mind and fog her thoughts. Bianca was running on fumes, and running herself into the ground. It wasn't sustainable, and...okay -- maybe one short break.

As she sat in Xiulan’s apartment, a little dizzy from the exertion of the last few days and the nonstop pace she had set for herself, Bianca didn’t quite feel like she’d settled back into reality yet. None of this could be real, could it? Hogwarts hadn’t burned, the Purifiers hadn’t fallen, and Bianca wasn’t left to deal with the fallout of it all alone. Xiulan was speaking to her, but Bianca only barely shook her head at the question, eyes lingering on the cup of tea beside her. But as her eyes finally settled on the custard tarts Xiulan set in front of her, something inside Bianca broke. “We used to share pasteis de nata at Castelobruxo,” she whispered, a burst of nostalgia suddenly crashing over her as her voice wavered with emotion. The memories swam to the surface of her mind, students trading tarts like currency and tossing them at each other over dinner. At that thought, she observed idly, “I haven’t had them on my birthday since I left Brazil.” And then suddenly she was thrown back to a week earlier, and Cade was sitting in front of her and asking about her birthday plans with a teasing smile on his face. Her face crumpled, and she was hit with the sudden reality of everything that was happening to her. The Purifiers were gone, Hogwarts students were dead, it was all her fault, and she’d pushed away one of the only things that had made her happy before it’d all started to go wrong. Bianca dropped to cradle her head in her hands as sobs began to escape her, tears rolling down her cheeks faster than she could stop them with her hands. It was too much, everything was too much. She wasn't okay.

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

Xiulan had to turn and look at Bianca again to see that her response to her was only a shake of her head. She brought out the tarts anyway, knowing that that Bianca didn't have to touch them if she didn't want them. To her surprise, though, Bianca mentioned as her voice broke that she could recall sharing them at school at Castelobruxo. "I haven’t had them on my birthday since I left Brazil," she added, quickly being reduced to tears.

It must have been her birthday, Xiulan realized, her own expression falling as Bianca sobbed with her head in her hands. What a terrible position to be in, she thought, resting a hand against Bianca's back as she cried. She hadn't even thought about the fact that Bianca might have a connection to those things, too, though she knew that that probably wasn't the reason why Bianca was so upset. It was the stress coupled with the fact that she had sacrificed her birthday. As much as she knew it must have hurt Bianca to be sobbing like that, it hurt Xiulan to know that she was so distraught.

Hoping to reassure Bianca that her breaking down wasn't something to be ashamed of, Xiulan continued to stand beside the armchair, her hand against Bianca's back. There wasn't any reason why she had to straighten up and act perfectly fine. She wasn't at the Ministry; she had the space and time. "Happy birthday, Bianca," Xiulan told her softly. "Those tarts are a favorite of mine, too."

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

Bianca had been forcing herself to keep it together for what felt like an eternity, because that was what the Ministry needed from her. The events of the last week had been a tragedy for British magical society, because the Purifiers had been scaring the public for so long and Hogwarts was central to the psyche and heart of the United Kingdom and its wizarding society. There were dead children, and captured Purifiers, and all of that required a strong Department Head that could handle the situation with an iron spine and an aura of solid reassurance. It didn’t matter that Bianca had been in her role for less than a year, or that she had her own trauma to sort through from dueling Purifiers and frantically coping with the Fiendfyre that had surrounded her from all sides. Or that she had pushed her magic to its limits to protect as many students as possible while she tried to do her job. No, the Ministry and the public needed her to be strong, and so she’d allowed it all to consume her from inside as she held everything together.

But now that her walls had broken, and the floods had started, there was no way to hold it back now. Merlin, Bianca wasn’t an emotional person. She never cried, couldn’t even remember the last time she’d let herself feel her emotions so deeply like this. Maybe when her father had died. But now she couldn’t imagine the possibility of stopping as the tears escaped her, dropping her head into her hands to hide her expression from Xiulan. Her eyes were red, her voice had cracked on even the simple observation that it was her birthday, and Bianca felt so weak at the miserable vulnerability she was showing Xiulan. “I’m sorry,” she choked out, “Sorry, so sorry.” God, she didn’t know exactly who she was speaking to – it felt like there were so many things she needed to apologize for that the words stuck in her throat. To Xiulan, who surely hadn’t been expecting the sudden burden of Bianca breaking down in her home. To the Ministry, who needed more from her than what she could give right now. To anyone who’d been affected by Hogwarts, who’d lost a loved one because Bianca hadn’t acted in time to prevent it altogether (that fact would haunt her for so long). Merlin, even to Cade for how callous she could become when she felt unsure of herself or entered unknown territory.

She sniffled as she silently acknowledged Xiulan’s observation about the tarts, unable to bring herself to say anything through her sobs. After a few minutes, the tears began to slow down and Bianca whimpered slightly into her hands as she sank back into the plush armchair and pushed her hair messily out of her face. Bianca had learned that Xiulan wasn’t one for physical touch – maybe as part of her efforts to isolate herself from the world, maybe a byproduct of the culture she’d grown up in, or maybe even out of fear for the convulsions she would have as a vision started. So she appreciated the warm touch of Xiulan’s hand on her back, and Xiulan’s soothing words. But Bianca shook her head slightly as she whispered in a cracked voice, “It hasn’t been a happy birthday. Nothing will be happy for a long time.” As her eyes lingered on the tarts, and her face began to dry, Bianca was suddenly hit with the ravenous hunger that had first reminded her that she needed a break. She picked up a custard tart with a shaky hand and took a bite, eyes closing at the burst of flavors. She gave a choked laugh. “Merlin, these bring back memories. Better times. Or easier ones, at least.”

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

It was probably the only opportunity that Bianca had had to release her emotions, Xiulan realized, with all the work that she had had ever since the fire at Hogwarts. At the least, it was the first opportunity that she had probably had to do that away from most other people, and Xiulan could recall with clarity how that had felt for her once upon a time. It was neither pretty nor something that she cared to live through again, especially not with how absolutely broken inside her experiences at school had made her—and all of the name of making her, ostensibly, some sort of child prodigy. Ensuring Bianca's comfort in that moment, therefore, was of paramount importance to her.

Physically speaking, she was safe there, and Xiulan moved her hand so that she was rubbing Bianca's back with some slight stiffness. If she needed to cry, she needed to cry. She didn't want Bianca to feel that she was hovering over her, but she'd been sobbing so heavily that Xiulan felt that she needed that little bit of additional support. From Xiulan's position, it wasn't uncommon for her to have to console a client on occasion because of what she had told them in a divination session, but Bianca wasn't her client.

"It hasn't been a happy birthday," Bianca told her when she had stopped crying enough to speak. "Nothing will be happy for a long time."

Xiulan continued to frown a little bit in sympathy for the pain that Bianca was so visibly feeling, relieved to see that Bianca at least felt well enough to pick up one of the tarts and take a bite of it, hearing her mention that they brought back memories. Satisfied that she was momentarily okay, Xiulan moved to sit across from her, setting one of the wooden chairs opposite the conjured armchair for herself.

She sat down, watching Bianca out of concern, and waited before speaking, not wanting to bother her while she enjoyed the pastry. "They are good, aren't they?" Xiulan acknowledged. At the same time, however, her mind kept going back to what Bianca had said about how nothing would be happy for a long time. She knew that she could just say something to placate her and mention that it would all be alright, but what Bianca had said suggested that it was more than her sudden outburst that had prompted her to react that way.

"Having something to eat will help," Xiulan encouraged her soothingly. Just being out of an environment where she likely was being constantly overwhelmed would help. Still, Xiulan remained careful about what she said in light of Bianca's stress—and what sounded like some depression. "My Aloysius—my late husband—was from Macao. That's how I came to live there," she clarified, "so there were lots of happy memories there, too." It wasn't always grand gestures. The little moments between the two of them had mattered to her even more. "I would be lying if I told you that I don't still cry over him sometimes." She felt less shame in admitting that than she might have, and she didn't want Bianca to feel embarrassed for breaking down. She was sure that they both had been conditioned to think that way, but it wasn't healthy.

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

Now that the tears had been replaced by sniffles, Bianca weakly attempted to collect her thoughts together – the same way she might before an interrogation or entering the field. Once upon a time, she’d struggled terribly with her Occlumency, unable to contain her emotions long enough to achieve that emptiness that you needed to protect the mind. It had become easier over the years, especially as the Ministry and the Purifiers began to break her down slowly, but…she fought to remember the technique now as she slowed her breathing and tried to find that inner peace. It wasn’t there. In fact, there wasn’t much there at all except the exhaustion of the last week, and the heart-pounding anxiety of processing what she’d been through. And the hunger pains, but those faded to the back of her mind as she took a bite of the tart and then demolished the rest of it before she could finish processing how hungry she was.

She didn’t raise her head immediately as Bianca kept her eyes downcast. Her budding friendship with Xiulan had always been characterized by the type of intimacy that she suspected neither woman was accustomed to showing, but this felt like a new low for her. She wasn’t supposed to show emotion, because Latina women needed to be strong and the pillars of the household. It wasn’t about what she wanted or needed, not in such a community-oriented culture. Bianca sighed a little as she considered that it had probably been similar for Xiulan too, not that she knew much about Asia or the magical communities there. She knew Xiulan was right about eating something, so she silently took another tart and took her time chewing. She’d missed these, as much as she missed most of her time at Castelobruxo and the friends she’d had and the memories they’d made together. But Bianca never really let herself consider that part of her life. After her accident, it felt like that part of her had been long gone.

But as Xiulan began to reminisce about Macao -- so that was the connection to these Portuguese tarts at least, and it felt strange to think that something so small could connect Bianca and Xiulan even halfway across the world – Bianca lifted her gaze to study the Seer. Xiulan was private, that was the first thing Bianca had discovered about her. It was rare to hear her talk about her past, and even more so with this level of detail. She bit her lip as Xiulan spoke about her husband, a faraway look in her eyes and a mixture of sadness and warmth in her face. She must have really loved him, Bianca thought, except a moment later she corrected that thought. Loves him. That kind of love doesn’t end after death. It was a sobering thought, and it ignited a rush of conflicting emotions inside Bianca’s chest. Sympathy, and pain, and fear. Love really was the most powerful magic in the world, wasn’t it? It could control someone’s life far more than Legilimency or a poison or the Dark Arts. It could build you up, and then tear you down a moment later.

“But if he can still hurt you after all this time,” she whispered, “then how could it possibly have been worth it?” God, that was the truth she never wanted to say out-loud, wasn’t it? Bianca stared at the half-eaten tart in her hands, unable to reconcile the longing and the fear she felt at the same time. How many people had she loved and lost over the years? How many people were out there who could control her thoughts, her happiness, how she looked at the future – just because she cared about them, just by being themselves? Bianca raised her gaze again and gave Xiulan a questioning look. “Knowing what you know, and how this story goes…would you do it again? Be with him, marry him, knowing it has to end?” She couldn’t wrap her mind around it. Why would it ever be worth it, if the love couldn't exist without the pain?

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

At her bringing up Aloysius, Bianca seemed slightly stunned, and Xiulan wasn't sure why at first. Her voice was at a whisper as she spoke, but she asked a question. "But if he can still hurt you after all this time," she considered, "then how could it possibly have been worth it?"

Xiulan paused as Bianca looked up at her. Her marriage hadn't been abusive, and she hadn't meant for a second to imply that in what she had said. Aloysius had been the total opposite of what she had been shown in school. In some ways, she felt, he had pulled her from the brink. She would never stop thinking that he was worth it. They had been worth it. They were supposed to grow old together, as madly in love as they ever were. That was the kind of love that someone found only once in a lifetime; she and Aloysius had found theirs.

Bianca was curious—and perhaps understandably so—about her married life. Xiulan realized how strange it must have been to picture her living not in the flat in Belgravia that they were sitting in at that moment but all the way in Macao, with a husband and a life that felt so far removed from her life as it had become since Aloysius's death. "Knowing what you know, and how this story goes… would you do it again? Be with him, marry him, knowing it has to end?"

Not having to think about it for a second or what her answer would be, Xiulan nodded her head slowly. She would do it again, without question, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. If she were like Zhurong, she thought, and could be reborn out of the ashes like that… There was no question. There was no one else she would have wanted to be with. She would have tried harder that time to give him a child so that what she would have left of him would be more than a phoenix, and she would hold Aloysius that much tighter with the knowledge that it wouldn't be forever. She had watched him die; she had Seen it with her Inner Eye, thinking that they still had time. At least, if given another chance, she could prepare herself. Maybe it wouldn't work like a Time-Turner; maybe she would have no way of stopping him from leaving that day, but she would try if it meant having him back.

Despite the feeling that she had had the air pressed from her lungs, Xiulan spoke up. "Aloysius never hurt me, Bianca," she corrected, her voice quavering although she had tried to avoid it. It was either that or sounding unnecessarily angry in her firmness. No, Aloysius had never so much as yelled at her. "Never." A part of Xiulan felt sick at the thought that perhaps that was difficult to believe—that a man could go years without ever hurting his wife—but it was true. It was beautiful, even if it hadn't lasted. She didn't know what to do with Bianca's suggestion that perhaps over ten years of her life had been a waste because Aloysius had died long before his time. "Every day that I had with him was worth it," she elaborated, clasping her hands in her lap so that Bianca couldn't see them shaking, "but I don't know if I could live with myself, knowing that he was murdered."

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

The resolute nod that Xiulan gave her, without so much as a pause after her question, stunned Bianca. She didn’t know how Xiulan could be so sure that it had all been worth it, that she would do it again without a moment’s hesitation, after she’d just admitted that thinking of her late husband still made her cry sometimes. Bianca didn’t know the specifics of Xiulan’s past – how she’d grown up, when she’d gotten married, or how she’d arrived to the United Kingdom. But Merlin, the fact that she still loved her husband deeply after all this time, and would willingly go through the experience of losing him all over again just to have a little more time…

“Didn’t he?” Bianca asked stubbornly as Xiulan said in a wavering voice that Aloysius had never hurt her. “He died. He left you. Doesn’t that hurt?” She felt so raw, so completely torn apart after the events of the last week. Bianca had seen a life’s worth of trauma in the course of a day, watching Hogwarts be consumed by the cursed fire with students trapped inside – all at the whim of a madwoman and her group of fanatic followers. Now she had the job of arresting and processing these witches and wizards, some of whom showed no remorse for their actions while others attempted to place responsibility on any other set of shoulders but theirs. As an Auror, and a Department Head, she had had a first-row seat to the worst of humanity, and there was nothing Bianca had seen in the realm of the Dark Arts or crime that could shock her anymore.

It had made her a little callous, and a little dark herself. There was no other way to survive in a world that worked so completely to take everything from her. Sometimes she was reminded of what she had found – her friendship with Leo had survived its share of storms, and this bond with Xiulan did have value to her. But Bianca only needed to remember that it would only be a matter of time until those were taken from her too. Like her father. Like her brother. Like her mentor. It killed a little piece of her every time she lost someone, until she’d found that it was easier to do the leaving herself. Distance from the world was hard, but it hurt less than opening herself up to it and getting nothing but pain back. Bianca couldn’t look away from Xiulan, even in shame or regret. She needed to understand what made Xiulan so sure that Aloysius had been worth it. Even after everything that had happened to her.

Her voice shook too as she said, “I want to believe you’re right. I want to believe that loving someone is worth whatever happens next. But I’m so tired of getting hurt, Xiulan. I hate the distance…but at least this way, I can choose what happens to me.” She exhaled shakily, dropping her gaze in shame. She’d told Felix more than once that life was about finding something worth fighting for, and then fighting for it with everything you had. And sometimes, when she found herself lost in Cade’s eyes or biting back a smile at one of his quips, she thought she’d found the potential for it…but she’d let him walk away, and she couldn’t see any future that didn’t promise pain at the end of it. Maybe it was easier, not to fight. Bianca's voice felt smaller than it ever had before as she admitted, "I don't know how it's possible, that something like that can excite and terrify me at the same time." She hated being away from him, and the words she'd thrown at Cade in her office still haunted her in her head...but she couldn’t ignore the fear that gripped her chest at the thought that she felt something for him. At the thought of what could happen if she let him get any closer.

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

Bianca maintained that Aloysius must have hurt her by the virtue of his having died, though Xiulan knew that it hadn't been his fault. It hadn't been his decision. Maybe she would have felt differently about it if it had been, but it hadn't. She had loved Aloysius more than she would ever love anyone or anything in her life, and there was no doubt in her mind that he would have said the same of her. The more Bianca pressed on, the more Xiulan understood that the comments she was making were less directed at what had led to the end of her marriage and more a reflection of her own thoughts. She said that she wanted to believe her but was tired of getting hurt, and she added that she had put herself at a distance to keep from getting hurt.

Hearing how close Bianca sounded to breaking down again, Xiulan paused. She didn't want Bianca's tension to influence her response in a negative way. Bianca wasn't angry with her. It was so clear that she needed support but was beating around the bush in asking for it. After taking in a breath and calming herself a bit more, Xiulan looked to Bianca in sympathy. So many things seemed to have been weighing on her mind, and Xiulan was at least in the position to be her sounding board if she knew what was coming.

"Are you comfortable with telling me what's hurting you the most right now?" Xiulan asked Bianca outright, though she kept her voice soft. "I have an ensuite guest room if you would prefer to excuse yourself, too," she added, also wanting to give her that option. She didn't have to keep beating herself up if she wasn't in the right state to talk through things.

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

It was almost instinctual at this point, to come visit Xiulan whenever Bianca just needed to talk to someone. There was an indescribable quality to the Seer, one that came even before her gift of prophecy. Like there was a quiet certainty to her, like she knew who she was and everything life had to offer. And that she’d chosen the path before her anyway, even with whatever mysterious forces in her past that had taken away her husband and forced her into hiding. Xiulan lived with pain every day, but she found a way to keep pressing on anyway and it inspired equal amounts of sympathy and respect from Bianca. There were things that she couldn’t admit to most of the people in her life – maybe she wasn’t right for this job after all. Maybe she couldn’t be the Department Head that the department needed, certain in every decision she made…because Bianca found herself doubting the choices she’d made.

And there were more personal things that she couldn’t say out-loud either. That she was so tired of being alone, but so scared of doing anything to change it. That it was easier to be miserable than to try and search and fight for something that could make her happy. That Bianca prided herself on being indestructible, an Auror that wasn’t fazed by any of the darkness that lurked under the surface of magical society – but that at the end of the day, she was a coward when it came to facing the things that truly scared her, more than Dark wizards or Unforgivable Curses. Bianca had almost forgotten that she wasn’t alone, staring at the custard tart in her hands as Xiulan spoke to her in a soft voice. But that was the power of the connection that the two women had begun to form in these last weeks – knowing that in Xiulan’s apartment, away from the complications of the world, they didn’t have to pretend to be anything but themselves.

Her gaze flicked up to meet Xiulan’s eyes, and Bianca felt her shoulders slump. “Would it be so selfish to admit that Hogwarts isn’t what hurts me the most right now?” she asked quietly, setting the tart down so she could wring her hands together. “It should be. It’s the only thing we’re taking care of at work right now. Going over the aftermath, interrogating everyone we’ve captured and preparing for their trials. It’ll be the only thing we do for weeks.” That was all fine, all true and an objective reflection of reality. Bianca was good at that, relaying the facts and briefing her superiors on what had happened and what needed to be done next. But the emotions, and acknowledging what was really weighing her down…it felt weak to admit it, and selfish when there were so many important things that all needed her attention. “But…my heart isn’t in it. I just…I had a f-fight with someone…someone I care about, and it’s all I can think about. What I should have said, and what I want to say but can’t, and if I’ll even have the chance to ever say any of it.”

Bianca’s voice was still choked, and the words came from her reluctantly as if she hadn’t been turning it over in her mind for a week now. She didn’t have any right to expect anything from Xiulan, any words of comfort or advice on how to wave her hand and make it all go away. But Bianca could feel the tears rising back to the surface and she swallowed thickly to push it all down. It was hard to admit that she didn’t have the answers to everything, since most people expected that of her. But in front of Xiulan? It was easier to acknowledge that she was only human.

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

Bianca asked her if it would be selfish of her to admit that what had happened at Hogwarts wasn't what was hurting her the most, even if she felt that it should have been because that was all her department was handling at that moment. Xiulan imagined that it wasn't easy, though she also couldn't say that Bianca was wrong for not having that as the most pressing thing on her mind. She clearly wasn't unaffected by it; she wasn't saying that it didn't matter to her. It was that whatever else that had happened had been taking up even more of her time and energy than all of that.

"I just… I had a f-fight with someone… someone I care about, and it's all I can think about," Bianca explained. That clarified where her comments about love must have fit into everything, Xiulan realized. "What I should have said, and what I want to say but can't, and if I'll even have the chance to ever say any of it."

Before replying, Xiulan took in a breath. "Alright," she said to Bianca, easing into the subject. "Let's start there." They needed somewhere to start, after all, and Bianca seemed close to falling apart again. Based on what Bianca had mentioned previously, it sounded as though the other person was alive and that their having died wasn't an element in what had happened between them. "I don't know what happened between you and this other person, and I don't want to make any assumptions," she acknowledged softly. She knew how Bianca had gotten in response to the very thought of being hurt by someone she loved, and she knew that she needed to keep that in mind as she spoke to her. "But I know what it's like to lose someone suddenly," Xiulan continued then. Neither of them needed to be told that life was short, but no one was guaranteed anything—not the next day, not a second chance… "And I don't want you to spend your life wondering what could have happened."

Conjuring up a box of facial tissues and holding it upright in her lap in case Bianca needed one, Xiulan kept speaking. "Try to be kinder to yourself, Bianca," she urged her. She could give Bianca all the advice in the world, but she couldn't make her do anything and couldn't make her decisions for her. "If there's something you haven't told them, you still have that chance," she nodded to her. "Take some deep breaths if you can. I'm here for you." All hope wasn't lost, even if Bianca couldn't see that for herself.

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

It didn’t matter how desperate or how dark her work could be – Bianca always thought she could handle it. There were times when it became overwhelming, or seemed like an impossible obstacle. But she had the knowledge that she’d passed through impossible situations before, and that nothing had managed to kill her yet. She was bold, and capable, and there was nothing she could see at the Ministry that could cause her to give up. It was work, and it had been her life for so long that she’d developed a deep understanding of how to handle it. But Merlin, her personal life? It had been a wreck for so long, and she’d never quite figured out what to do with herself after her father’s death. Personal meant messy, and Bianca had never been prepared to deal with the mess. So she’d been alone for a long time, and for a long time she’d gotten away with telling herself that she preferred it that way. But that had started to change, even without her having noticed it at all. Slowly beginning to seek out other people, and the comfort they could provide. Not really noticing the slow descent of her walls, at least until it had come to her attention all at once and forced her to build them back up – stronger and higher. But that hadn’t made her happy, and in fact it made Bianca feel more alone than ever. Like she’d spent time coming closer to the fire, accepting its warmth and remembering what it felt like, only to back away suddenly and discover how cold she felt. She wanted that fire again, but it still couldn’t process in her head how to step closer without getting burned.

She didn’t know how to explain all that to Xiulan, that fear inside her chest of wanting what she was sure she couldn’t have. Bianca knew how to be alone, but she had slowly discovered that it wasn’t what she wanted anymore – because that was all she’d had for the past week, and even just a week of it was enough to drown her in regret. Bianca felt the strength leave her body as her shoulders slumped and she sank deeper into the plush armchair Xiulan had guided her to. And she winced slightly at Xiulan’s statement, because she had hit the mark exactly and the words echoed in her mind. I don’t want you to spend your life wondering what could have happened. Bianca found herself wondering so many things these days, thoughts that would have never occurred to her a year ago and questions that scared her. Because since when had she started to think about the future? Since when had she allowed herself to ask, what would make her happy?

Bianca bit her lip at Xiulan’s kind words. They were what she wanted to hear, the kind of gentle encouragement she hadn’t gotten from anybody in a long time. But she almost couldn’t believe that she deserved to hear them, because she wasn’t a sweet little girl anymore seeking comfort from her papa after skinning her knees. She’d gotten older, and darker, and lost everybody in her life who would’ve thought to speak so gently to her. And she’d missed it. Her eyes grew hot with unspilled tears again, although Bianca brought a palm up to stop them from falling. “It feels too late,” she said, shaking her head at Xiulan’s assertion that it wasn’t too late to share what was on her mind. Cade had taken the first opportunity to leave her office at Ana’s interruption (not that any sane man would have contradicted her order to leave), and she hadn’t heard from him since. He’d always been good at reaching out in the past, so if he hadn’t – it was because he didn’t want to. “He wanted to get dinner, and I...I panicked. I said it was all a mistake, and probably would have said something worse if we hadn’t gotten interrupted.” Bianca sniffed a little at the admission, because it was true. The fight would have been so much worse if they’d had the opportunity to say everything. And Bianca had been scared, and she could turn into such a callous person when she was scared. “I don’t see why he’d want to see me again after that,” she finished, her voice small at the thought that it (whatever ‘it’ had actually been, because she didn’t have words for it) might be over for good.

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

Xiulan wasn't sure how much she was really getting through to Bianca, especially as she told her that it felt too late to do anything. The only way it would have been, Xiulan wanted to tell her, was once one of them had died. "He wanted to get dinner, and I… I panicked. I said it was all a mistake, and probably would have said something worse if we hadn't gotten interrupted." It happened, but it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed. "I don't see why he'd want to see me again after that."

"Bianca," Xiulan spoke, trying once again to impress upon her that it wasn't the end of the world just because she had turned down an invitation to dinner once. "It happens." Maybe it wasn't exactly the greatest situation, but it could have been far worse. Plus, Bianca had missed her point about being kinder to herself. "If this person still feels the same way about you," she continued gently, "he'll be relieved to hear that you want to give him a second chance." Already anticipating that Bianca would come back and ask what would happen if he weren't interested anymore, Xiulan went on. "And if he's moved on," she said softly, "you'll know."

Remaining as careful about it all as she could, Xiulan kept speaking. "Until you're able to talk to him, try to put it out of your mind," she advised Bianca. "If you need to cry some more, you can," she acknowledged lightly, having seen how Bianca had been fighting back tears again. She really didn't need her permission, but Xiulan felt that being more open about it might help her to see that it was okay. She readjusted her grip on the box of tissues. "And if you think taking some Calming Draught might help you, I have some," she added, wanting to give Bianca that option, too. Xiulan knew that she wasn't hysterical, but it wouldn't hurt if she needed to take it.

Bianca Alia Rivera

[Bianca Alia Rivera]

Bianca had always been an in-the-moment kind of person. That survival instinct, the intense focus on living through the next ten seconds and leaving the future for another day…it was what had made her a good Auror. But it didn’t translate well into being a good Department Head, being responsible for an entire department that was relying on her to make good choices. It wasn’t just about the short-term perspective anymore, how to catch the bad guy and put him away. She had to be strategic now, and consider the short-term losses that might lead to a long-term win. That was what she told herself, anyway, whenever she faced an impossible dilemma and didn’t dare to share it with anyone and show her weakness. She had to be better than that, especially with the life-or-death choices she was forced to make on a daily basis. And if she began to show cracks…they’d only turn into chasms that would be impossible to put back together again.

She needed to be in control, had always needed to be the one in control. And this last week had long since spiraled into something too big for her to fight alone. From the moment Ana Karkaroff had burst into her office, Bianca had felt the losses piling onto her shoulders without even a moment to breathe. And now, as she sat in front of Xiulan, curling in on herself and a tense set to her shoulders…she couldn’t let go of the feeling that she deserved everything that had come her way. If she had only prepared better, if she’d only known the right thing to say or do…but that line of thought was broken and her head snapped up suddenly at Xiulan’s words. “If he’s moved on?” she repeated, the words tasting like ash in her mouth as panic clawed suddenly at her throat.

It hadn’t been the point Xiulan was trying to make, but the buzzing that filled Bianca’s ears drowned out everything else for a moment. She could feel her breathing grow heavier, that same sense of panic filling her as it had the first time after the fall of Hogwarts that she’d allowed herself to think about what was happening to her. But she hated that feeling of helplessness, and Bianca forced herself to slow down and let the air escape her lungs. She shook her head at Xiulan’s offer, although her hand at least moved automatically to take another tart. “I want…” Bianca trailed off, struggling to articulate how she felt. Everything she wanted felt like some amorphous shape in her head and she couldn’t pick apart the individual strands of thought. Finally, she sighed and admitted, “I want to stop feeling so weak. I want to be as strong as everyone needs me to be.” As quiet and mysterious as Xiulan was, Bianca knew the Seer was stronger than almost anyone else she’d met in her time at the Ministry or the Order. The amount that she’d passed through, silent and composed and alone…it only made Bianca’s respect for her new friend grow. “Aren’t you exhausted?” Bianca asked in a cracked voice, “How do you find it in yourself to just…keep going?”

xiulan zhou

[xiulan zhou]

May 19, 2026

She didn't lead the same life as Bianca; Xiulan knew that. There weren't dozens of people relying upon her every move in that way. The sessions that she had with her clients were guided by her Inner Eye, and that took away the hesitancy of not knowing if she was making the right decisions. None of that was in her hands in the same regard as calling the shots over an entire department of the Ministry. Premonitions came to her, and she relayed those to someone else. Xiulan wondered if Bianca had taken her comment about her romantic interest's possibly having moved on as something that she had Seen, as she seemed to remain stuck on that. She also declined the offer of Calming Draught despite how upset she was, and Xiulan nodded to acknowledge that.

"I want…" Bianca began, though she didn't finish her thought at first. "I want to stop feeling so weak. I want to be as strong as everyone needs me to be."

Xiulan understood the feeling, though it was largely residual from her school days. She had wanted to be stronger and capable of fighting back in the way that she had seen her peers fight, not wanting to give them the opportunity to take advantage of her. The dueling and the constant experimentation had been excruciating, and she had found ways to resist as best she could. She hadn't come out of it as an Occlumens, though she had been desperate for that skill at that time in her life.

"Aren't you exhausted? How do you find it in yourself to just… keep going?"

Bianca's questions were understandable, too. Even without her knowing the half of it, Xiulan knew that it was clear that they'd both been through it. She had found ways to cope—not that those coping mechanisms were perfect, either. It was hard when she had just come out of a fit or when she had no choice but to leave her flat, but she had to gather up all of her strength somehow. Enough occasions on which she had to pick herself up off the floor, her entire body in pain from collapsing at the wrong time, had reminded her that it would never be as simple as she would have liked. There was no easy way out.

"I'm only human, and you are strong," Xiulan stressed to Bianca, though she understood why she must have felt that she held the key to something miraculous. It just happened to be an exceptionally difficult moment in time that had affected Bianca differently. "I know you don't feel strong, but you are." Bianca was selling herself short. It had been only four days since the fire. Even if that wasn't the biggest thing on her mind right now, it was still traumatic, and she felt bad that Bianca was so focused on trying to pretend that she was perfectly fine. "Have some more food," Xiulan encouraged her, noting the egg tart that Bianca had just picked up. "If you need to stay here until you feel better, that's okay." It wasn't a burden. "A meal and eight hours of sleep won't fix everything, but it will help you get your strength back." And better that than needing to go to St. Mungo's, in her opinion.

Bianca Alia Rivera