expectations | raphael

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations
But I expect, you expect, we expect

April 29, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Addy was grateful plenty of practice had been scheduled before her first match with the Bats. Merlin knew it was a bit of an adjustment. Transitioning from a team of top-notch all-women to a mix was one thing. Especially when some of those boys appeared to have about as much sense as a lost troll, at least they could fulfill their roles successfully, though Addy had to get creative and knock Chaz down a peg or two as he kept ‘accidentally’ sending bludgers her way. Of course, he insisted it was not on purpose, but Addy had him sending a cloud of dust in the air as he landed not so gracefully on his back in the dirt. By accident, of course.

Things went smoother after that. If she was being honest, Addy didn’t know if her new teammates knew of Addy’s previous connection to the McLaggens, and she was not about to bring it up. The insecurity in some could quickly lead to idle gossip, and she didn’t need that sort of reputation. Her skill had earned her this position as a Chaser and off the bench, not because the Captain’s little brother was her ex-boyfriend. Nor did Mickey need to know that while his new teammate had dated his little brother and were now friends, it was not a platonic friendship. Addy hated being predictable in this sort of way, but just as one could predict what the planets and stars would do in the night sky, she wasn’t surprised that she and Rafe had started hooking up again.

A few days prior, the Bats had narrowly won against the Cannons. The win was nice, but Addy felt a little frustrated. In her mind, she had grown accustomed to the standard Millie and the Harpies set. Not that Mickey wasn’t trying; Addy found him an effective Captain, but it took more than just a good Captain to make a great team. They sat in her room. Addy’s roommates were all gone and digging for treasures in their corners of the world. It was like this most of the time. ”What are the chances I can get Brígh to wear this?” Addy asked as she held up a duplicate of her Bat’s jersey. In the back of her mind, she’d almost asked Cheese if he wanted a hat or something, but naturally, he probably had one already. ”I don’t think Mickey would blame me if I send the quaffle at Chaz’s head when we play the Falcons.”

She wore one of Cheese’s oversized Daily Prophet shirts. Reconnecting earlier in the year when Addy had gotten benched had been unexpected but not unwelcome. Although, their hookups seemed like a fun matter of convenience for both. While they had worked to remove the awkwardness between them slowly, their lives shad pushed them forward in different directions. But these days, Addy felt more settled than she had in years. Leaving the Harpies had been a difficult decision but also an easy one. Despite the chances the team had given her, they kept her on the bench, and Addy had greater aspirations than that. There was the comfortable stability of Rafe’s presence back in her life, along with Jack's more spontaneity. Although his career was also taking off, his life was busier than ever. Glancing over her shoulder, Addy awaited Cheese’s advice on getting Brígh to sport Bat’s gear.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

29 April 2029

Cheese had decided to become more ambitious. Okay, granted, he didn’t have the natural talents of a Slytherin. He couldn’t analyze a situation and immediately come up with five different ways to accomplish his goal, and Rafe definitely couldn’t look at a person and make the same calculation on how they could help him. In truth, he didn’t even have the same unshakeable confidence that Mickey wore like a cloak, as if it were a natural extension of himself and therefore went everywhere he did. That confidence had taken his brother to lofty heights, but Cheese just didn’t have the ability to be himself and not worry over what others thought. Still. He was a human being, and he did want things – even if they were on a smaller scope than what most people considered worth chasing. Jimmie would’ve laughed at him for using the word ‘ambitious’ in that context.

So yeah, he had decided to make a change (and really, that was only a natural continuation of decisions he’d thought of making for a long time and maybe even slowly started putting into action without realizing it). Rafe didn’t want to beat himself up anymore for things that were out of his control and he wanted to be able to take care of the people and things he loved. Easier said than done, right? Some solutions were easier than others to implement. Keeping a proper eye on his owl and taking care of her so she wouldn’t get sick again had become easy-breezy once Brody moved in to Puff Palace, at least. And Cheese had forced himself not to dwell too long on his and Mallory’s break-up, so he’d gone hunting for a new neighborhood Quidditch league and hadn’t dawdled on setting up the dreaded meet-up to return each other’s things. It’d been awkward, but Cheese was an expert at somehow fumbling through awkward situations and living to tell the tale.

Still, some changes seemed more like an ocean than a puddle when you debated with yourself how easy it’d be to overcome them. And Addy had always been the chink in his armor. It was hard to define exactly what their relationship was, and honestly…he’d stopped trying to figure it out. He liked hanging out with her, really liked ‘hanging out’, and Brígh wasn’t around to uncover all their secrets by reading their micro facial expressions. So yeah. They’d found a strange balance that seemed to work, and what was the point in trying to read into it too much? Cheese had reached a point in his life where the good days outweighed the bad days, where it felt like everything made sense and existential dread didn’t weigh on him like a guilty conscience. Things with Addy were good.

Mostly. He had a complicated tangle of emotions in his chest as she held up some Bats merch, the same black and scarlet that seemed to haunt his life since Mickey had joined the team. Rafe probably should have left it alone, would have left it alone if they’d been back in their newly post-grad lives. But they weren’t. Things had changed between them, he had changed. It was hard to just accept the sour taste in his mouth, which might’ve been a result of drinking a tad too much earlier in the evening but was definitely a result of this daily reminder of the choices she’d made and then sprung on him. He answered without thinking, without even looking at the jersey. “Do you have to name drop him all the time?” He didn’t usually get annoyed with people (even if they were doing a spectacular Jimmie-like impression), but he couldn’t hide the frustration he’d been wrestling with since finding out the news. Yeah, Addy joining the Bats was a hard pill to swallow. Even harder when he found out via press conference, and got to stew in the awkwardness alone for months after. But hearing her casually mention his brother on a night like this was jarring, and it brought those emotions out faster than he was able to suppress them (and honestly, did he really want to?).

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations
But I expect, you expect, we expect

April 29, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Falling back into this routine wouldn’t have surprised anyone if they knew. Addy knew better than to hide such things from her best friend, but she wasn’t interested in battling the scrutiny it would ultimately bring from Brígh. And it was less trouble this way. Addy and Cheese hadn’t even discussed it at length, and she assumed they were on the same page. No drama, just enjoying the inevitable and remaining friends. She supposed that also applied to Jack whenever she saw him. Though Jack was never shy about communicating when he was not on the same page.

Earlier, the pair had spent time together, much as they would have done as friends or even dating. And several drinks later, they were here. The week meant returning to their individual careers and schedules that didn’t often align. So, Addy typically spent what free time she did have on the weekends with her friends—at least when Brígh wasn’t away for work. ”I think she might like the scarlet—“ Addy began, wondering if Brígh would acquiesce if the jersey felt more like a Gryffindor item when she suddenly looked at Cheese. The quick response and the tone caught her attention but threw her off at the same time.

”What—Mickey?” Addy lowered her arms but still gripped the shoulders of the jersey. As far as she knew, she had not said anything wrong. It wasn’t like Cheese to respond like that. At least Addy hadn’t heard something like that in a very long time. At the same time, Addy felt a hint of annoyance. All she had done was ask a question, and to get that tone felt like an overreaction. ”It was just a question.” Addy responded unamused. She wouldn’t bring up her work then if that was the case. Turning back around, she focused on putting the jersey back on a hanger, hoping things would settle in the next few seconds. It wasn’t like Addy ever felt bothered that he brought up Jimmie or Grey because of his work.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

He didn’t resent his brother. At least, Cheese was pretty sure he didn’t. Sure, they’d been raised in a competitive household by a father who valued winning over everything else – but once it’d became pretty clear that Cheese didn’t have a knack for competitions, that gave him more freedom to settle happily in third place. He’d gotten compared to Mickey a lot growing up, but it was more something that just happened. Nothing personal, nothing to be resentful of. Things had always been a little awkward between the McLaggen siblings, but there wasn’t any bad blood. Maybe that should comfort Cheese, but it just left him stewing with an upset tangle of emotions in his stomach and no way to really know where it was coming from.

It seemed to take Addy a moment to hear what he’d said, but she abruptly cut off the rest of the question about Brígh (who, let’s be real, would hate whatever jersey in whatever color only because it was Quidditch and she was committed to her values). Her next comment came out passive-aggressive, and Rafe clenched his jaw at the familiar tone. Nine times out of ten, things were good between them (they’d chat, and joke, because that was what friends did). But she never had any problem walking all over him when she needed to, which was a requirement to win an argument. Probably why Rafe had heard this tone many times when they’d been together, and never snapped back the same way. “It’s not just a question,” he shot back quickly. He wasn’t usually so stubborn, but he crossed his arms and decided that – yeah, this was a hill he was willing to die on.

He’d been looking away, avoiding eye contact while he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. But Cheese glanced over to watch Addy study the jersey carefully like she was trying to count the number of stitches. Her grip seemed tight on the hanger. He swallowed slightly, wondering if he’d made a mistake. Because his nerves still had a tight grip on his stomach, but he found his mouth opening as he realized that he wanted to say what was on his mind. Years of unspoken thoughts had left a bitter taste in his mouth. “Because you don’t actually care what I think, right? You don’t ask me about things before you do them. You just want the validation afterwards.” It felt petty but he couldn’t resist adding at the end, “So ask me after you’ve bought it. That’s how we do things.”

His cheeks were burning after he finished, and Cheese wasn’t sure he could say he felt ‘better.’ It felt like the opening shot to what would be a long argument (which was rare coming from him), but his heart was pumping fast with the thought that he wouldn’t let himself be left left tongue-tied this time. Addy was very, very good at arguing. And Cheese thought the world of her, really. But she wasn’t perfect and not so many people had ever pointed out problems to her. At least, nobody whose opinion couldn’t be easily swatted aside. He thought back to the question he’d asked himself earlier, but it seemed clearer now to him that he didn’t resent Mickey. And this wasn’t really about his brother at all.

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations
But I expect, you expect, we expect

April 29, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

The lightness in the air shifted as Addy attempted to pick up her previous train of thought. It wasn’t like her to lose a thread like that, but the abruptness of his question had caught her off guard. When she was around others like Brígh or Jack, Addy was always prepared mentally. It was not the sort of thing Addy prepared for around Cheese. It wasn’t like him to act like that. In either case, Addy felt annoyed and then bothered that it annoyed her that much. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the end of this new conversation. Again, Addy looked back to the boy on her bed with a wariness in her eyes.

All at once, it all poured out of him, like a potion overboiling onto the floor. Even with the items in her hand, Addy forgot about the jersey and wondered where this had come from. ”Hold on—“ She began as her brow furrowed. ”Cheese what are you on about?” Addy gestured with one hand, the jersey still in the other. ”If you don’t want me to talk about my work—then fine. Just say so.” Addy scoffed lightly and turned around to return the jersey and hanger to the closet.

In the past, they had discussed their older siblings at length. The pair were both the youngest of three, with older siblings who excelled at their various efforts. Addy and Cheese both approached things differently, of course, but the fact that Mickey was now her team captain was a mere coincidence. That was all. The entire evening up until now had been a perfectly good evening. One of the many they’d grown accustomed to since the beginning of the year. Deep down, Addy knew the discomfort reminded her of their breakup in the past. The constant arguing and complete disconnect before it was finally over.

But his words echoed in her head, and it wasn’t like Addy to let anyone have the last word if she could help it. Turning back around, Addy let her eyes lock onto the boy on her bed as she queued up her thoughts. ”You know—just because you had a bad day at work or something doesn’t mean you get to act like that. Not with me. And I’ve worked too hard for my career. I would’ve thought you, of all people, would be happy for me.” It was disappointing. Years of her closest friends pushing her to make up her own mind when it came to her life and career and now one of them didn’t want to hear it? Not a chance.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

He could see the exact moment she started to make the transition in her head. From a laidback evening to immediately putting her guard up, sorting out the thoughts in her head so Addy could win whatever argument they were steering into now. They’d argued a lot before breaking up, but those arguments had sort of sprung up spontaneously. Maybe he’d been doing something she didn’t like, or someone said something that they then took opposite sides on when it came time to share their thoughts about whether it’d been a good thing or bad thing. But it was rare for him to pick a fight. Very, very rare to share what was on his mind if he worried it might start a conflict.

Addy holding up a hand to stop him aggravated Cheese more than he’d thought it would. It felt like he’d finally said something important to him, and her furrowed brow like she needed more time to think and wanted to hit pause was annoying. “You’re focusing on the wrong thing. Stop pretending you don’t understand what I’m really talking about,” Cheese shot back, frowning at her as he picked at the sheets so he had something to do with his hands. Addy was smart. Really smart. It was a fact Cheese and Brígh had always relied on (not that Addy had ever let them copy off her homework), but it meant much more than just getting good marks. She understood new concepts easily, and could read between the lines too. If she was acting like he was only upset about her talking about work – then it was because she was choosing not to understand the core issue.

“You know I’ve always supported you. And I told you leaving the Ministry was the best thing!” Cheese paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. “But you make these really big decisions without telling me, and sometimes they affect me too. Can’t you see how playing with my brother might be a big deal for me? And you never actually said anything! I just found out with everyone else.” He stewed in that thought for a moment and felt the indignation all over again. That had been really unfair. He’d like to say that she probably thought he’d be happy for her, and tell her it was fine. But the truth was…Addy probably hadn’t thought of him at all. “It feels like…I’m just an afterthought to you. I exist when it’s good for you, and the rest of the time I don’t. And…” Cheese couldn’t bear to look at her while he admitted the actual core issue that'd been lingering in the back of his head for a long time, so he scuffed his foot against the floor and set his jaw as he admitted, “It’s rubbish to feel like you don’t value me.”

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations
But I expect, you expect, we expect

April 29, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

The way Addy’s actions affected Cheese was abundantly clear. What was not clear to Addy was the timing. How often had her closest friends provided commentary on how her goals and ambitions had been shaped by the input of others, primarily her parents? And she had always worked through those barriers to ultimately end up where she wanted to be. The fact that the boy in front of her was a longtime close friend and her ex-boyfriend was perhaps the only thing that stopped Addy from immediately responding with whatever needed to be said to put him back in his place because that was the question she’d been ignoring in her mind. What was Raphael McLaggen’s place in her life?

All their history worked in his favor as well. Addy rarely took anything at surface value, even this. The disconnect existed because Addy truly had not thought of this in the way he brought up. Rather than respond, Addy muddled over his point. It was true. Addy had not told Cheese about her team change ahead of time. In the mix of everything, it had fallen through the cracks. Nothing short of a time turner would change that fact, let alone any excuse she could produce. And until his final statement, Addy could feel a fiery anger burning in her stomach. Was he serious? Did Cheese expect Addy to keep riding the bench for the Harpies to soothe his feelings? Or perhaps he would have preferred she had signed with a subpar team like the Cannons to get flying time but tank her career and reputation all the same?

Her grip on the hanger grew more tense until his words finally hit. Guilt washed over her as she eyed the boy on her bed. The way his shoulders slumped and his eyes focused in front of her, the guilt pushed forcefully against her pride. If only this had been, quite literally, anybody else. There was a sense of déjà vu to when they’d dated. But that was the difference now, wasn’t it? They weren’t dating, right? But he was still her best friend. There wasn’t a category they neatly fell into anymore. So, on one hand, Addy wanted to challenge Rafe and ask him why it mattered. Why would she need his permission or blessing to play with some of the best players in the league after the Harpies? Mickey had a stellar reputation, not only as a Keeper but as a newer Captain. Settling was not her default.

But then there was this person—a constant in her life since they were eleven. Someone Addy had fallen in love with without trying. Someone who’d always told Addy she was good enough. Were it not Cheese complaining at that moment, Addy would have stopped this already and shown them the door. But it was Cheese.

After a moment, Addy stopped death gripping the hanger with her team jersey. Carefully, she placed it back in the closet before wordlessly walking back to her bed, crawling into the spot directly in front of him. ”Hey.” Addy spoke softly while leaning in, trying to catch his gaze. At the same time, she gently placed a hand on his face. While their lives had shifted drastically since leaving school, there was one thing Addy knew to be true. ”You’re not an afterthought.” Her brain filled itself with logic and facts she could have easily overwhelmed him with and come out ahead in this disagreement. Instead, she pushed ahead. Carefully, she crawled into his lap and straddled him. While it provided physical intimacy, it was also one of the few ways Addy found she could be almost eye-to-eye with Cheese while sitting up, as he was so tall. Short of an explicit apology, Addy had a point to make. ”You never are.”

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

He almost didn’t know what to do with himself now that he’d unloaded all this unnoticed weight from his chest. There were a lot of unsaid things between him and Addy. Sometimes it was easier that way, to avoid definitions and putting things in boxes and all of the things that Addy usually loved to do when it came to schoolwork. And there were others that weighed on his mind, because Cheese had never known how to perfectly translate the thoughts in his head into eloquent words. But the fact of the matter was, he and Addy had years of history between them. Some of it was light and easy, a friendship that had seamlessly carried them through Hogwarts and into the big wide magical world. And some of it…

Well. Some things had gone noticed but unsaid, and sometimes it had been easier just not to bring them up at all. He hated saying things that could hurt someone else (and maybe were even designed to). But the festering frustration in his chest showed him clearly that avoiding an argument didn’t always solve the problem. They both had similar backgrounds, with competitive siblings and demanding parents. But they’d always taken wildly different approaches in how to cope with the pressure, and where Cheese had softened so he could find the path of least resistance forward…well, Addy had hardened. And done everything possible to meet those expectations until she started listening to the voice inside of her more than her parents’.

The problem was, that sometimes Cheese worried that inner voice was louder than those of the people around her. At that point, he wondered how much she even noticed whenever her wants clashed with someone else’s, and whether they ended up hurt or disappointed. He’d never found the right way to say it, not without making it sound accusatory (and whatever that voice might say, Addy was a good person – a good and bright and amazing person). Somehow, tonight it had all come rushing out and his cheeks reddened as he anticipated the lecture of a lifetime. Sometimes he appreciated her ability to keep him on track, scolding him whenever he’d lost track of his responsibilities. But sometimes it just tore him apart, left him speechless. He'd been staring a hole into her floor, but he looked up and met her gaze as she walked across her bedroom towards him. Her tone was gentle, not harsh like he might’ve expected, and Cheese’s eyes widened as she moved closer.

He sighed slightly as his arms instinctively moved to support her, warmth filling him at the intimacy of the familiar motions. He never felt as close to anyone like when he was with Addy, when they were all wrapped up in each other and it felt like the rest of the world had just fallen away. And he’d really needed to hear her say those words. “You promise?” he whispered, feeling the echoes of all the times in the past he’d asked, trying hard to dispel the inadequacy that told him he wasn’t worth those promises. Cheese brought a hand up to carefully brush the hair of her face so he could look deep into her eyes. If his voice could go any lower, he thought it just might to not break the cautious quiet of this intimate moment. He let his breath escape slowly as he moved to rest his head on her shoulder and pull her closer. “I’ve always known everything you’re capable of, but you still completely amaze me…” he murmured. After a moment's pause, he added in a reflective tone, “We’re a team, right?”

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations
But I expect, you expect, we expect

April 29, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

The stark contrast to previous moments of disagreements escalating into arguments in the past didn’t occur to Addy until she heard the near-whisper of Cheese’s voice. How many times had they taken the other path at a crossroads? Letting frustrations guide and speak for them? Harsh words were spoken suddenly as if they’d been dying to escape, unable to be held back. Even in hindsight, a few of those fights left Addy feeling uncomfortable and fidgety. Once in a while, a pang of guilt escaped to the surface, though hardly strong enough to acknowledge out loud.

Addy knew one thing, however. She hated this balancing act constantly asked of her. If those around her, like her parents, were not demanding something from her, everyone else would be demanding something else. While her pride allowed her to choose for herself, for once. But life as of late still felt like some complicated game of wizard’s chess because every action had a consequence and a result. Or so Addy might learn one day. At that moment, she locked eyes with one of the most important people in her life. Nodding and affirming silently.

Addy let her arms encircle above his shoulders as he pulled her closer. Cheese had broad and muscular shoulders, reminding Addy that he was stronger than he thought. ’We’re a team, right?’ In any other state, the weight of the question might have knocked Addy over and sent her mentally spiraling. Cheese made asking those simple yet loaded questions look so simple and one of the few things Addy struggled with. But leaning into him, where she fit so comfortably, the question felt light. Someone might as well have been asking what the weather was or what the time was. ”We were always a team.” She murmured with a satisfied sigh, enjoying the comfort rather than considering the weight or consideration of her words. Words, as well as actions, also had consequences.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

Nothing reminded Cheese more of the constant process of change they were all going through than those occasional moments where he could see the vulnerability in Addy’s eyes. He was more used to seeing them spark – competitive when she was on a broom and only had eyes for the Quaffle, a bit jealous when someone had beaten her to the punch and gotten whatever she’d wanted first, teasing whenever she and Brígh were in the same room and mercilessly roasting each other. She was full of fire, and while it was one of those traits that made her her and separated Addy from all the people around her who seemed almost lifeless in comparison…well, he still liked these moments best. Quiet, intimate, charged in a different way than her usual fire. Seeing some of the honesty in her face that she fought so hard to bite back from explicitly saying most of the time.

He sighed into her shoulder and let his arms settle around her waist, taking a moment to close his eyes and enjoy the warmth of the embrace. There were a lot of big questions in his life that he’d never been good at answering, like what exactly he wanted to do with himself and how he could best take care of the people he loved when he sometimes had problems taking care of himself. So he’d been trying hard lately to just enjoy where he was and take comfort in what was right in front of him. Photographing cute little fluff pieces for the Prophet to share across the British magical community, cheery pub crawls with his friends whenever they found the time for it, and this. Without worrying too much about what it was or should be or might someday be. He hummed slightly to acknowledge what Addy had said, letting the knowledge that they’d always be a team soak into his chest. He laughed a little and shifted so he could whisper into her ear, “Good. You should remember that next time you try and knock me off my broom.” Not that she’d ever own up to such a foul (and not that she’d succeeded since his growth spurt. But she did knock him a little hard whenever he switched up roles and played Chaser in their neighborhood league).

He began to lean back until he was lying flat on her bed, pulling Addy with him and keeping his arms tight around her. “I should get my camera,” he said, laughing at the ceiling as he looked up at and admired the sight of her sprawled across him. But he didn’t move or let his arms drop so she could move away. He gave her a challenging look as he smiled up at her, mostly to see how she’d respond. He sort of knew, though. Addy would always purse her lips or give him a reproaching look, like he was pulling himself out of the moment by wanting to document it. Sometimes it would turn into an exchange of snappy comments if he'd ever brought his camera on date nights. Still, this time at least – Cheese didn’t have any intention of moving. No, he just knew that Addy could all too easily pull herself deep into troubling thoughts and then have a hard time pulling herself out again. The serious conversations were good, they needed that sometimes. But he’d do just about anything to see her smile and let the worries drop off her shoulders for a little while.

addilyn elara slater