i am the storm [andy]

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Jamie was sick and tired of always being sad, or mad, or some combination of the two. She didn't know when, or where, or why, but she had slid into a hole that she hadn't been able to crawl her way out. Harper had left the country for work and her siblings' lives were slowly spiraling downwards, but Jamie just wanted to be happy. She didn't want that little voice continuing to whisper in her ear, didn't want everything to be not good enough. She wanted to be Jamie again, the Jamie who laughed for no reason and danced around her mother's kitchen and smiled just because she could. She wanted to be the Jamie who drank strawberry soda at midnight and held her sister's hand in the corridor and slept in until noon just so she could avoid the morning. Jamie didn't know where that girl had gone, but she knew that somewhere, that Jamie existed, and she would be damned if she didn't try to find her past self. If there was anything the world needed right now, it was a little more of that happiness that she used to have. Jamie was walking through the Hogwarts grounds, as she tended to do often when she was younger, and simply being. One of her problems was that she thought way too much, and maybe by turning her mind off for a moment, she could do herself some good.

@lestrange

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It was funny how you never know when you're in the same situation as someone else, or at least a similar one. Andy had been in hell this term, ever since she ran into Nik this summer. She was lost, broken, and completely miserable, finding even the smallest happiness wasn't good enough to change her mood. She never was the happiest person to begin with, really, but she was never this bad either. Where had that other girl gone? That girl who had a new family, her sister, her friends, who believed in herself. That girl was nowhere to be seen, and Andy hated that. She missed her.

During the last week of November she had hit her final straw, and she was ready to find that happiness again and make it even stronger this time. She was ready to move forward, grow up, and move on. Maybe a walk would clear her head and the cold winter air would wake her up. Just maybe.

She saw someone up ahead as she walked, recognizing the blonde hair. It was Jamie Greyback. They had met this summer and actually had a rather nice time. So much so, that Andy felt bad about not getting to know her sooner. Andy normally wouldn't be the kind to start a conversation but she was different now, wasn't she? She jogged up to find herself catching up to Jamie. "Hey, Jamie! How are you?" she asked once beside her.

@jamie

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Jamie wasn’t expecting to be interrupted on her stroll through the grounds, but when she turned to see Andromeda Lestrange beside her, she couldn’t feel angry about the interruption. Meeting Andy in the summer had been one of the highlights of an otherwise awful month. “Hey, Andy.” Jamie greeted. Andy’s question, about how she was, confused Jamie for a moment. She didn’t want to snap back that she wasn’t doing well at all, because that was counterintuitive to finding her happiness again, but she didn’t want to lie to Andy, either. Eventually, Jamie settled on something both hopeful and true. “Bad, but getting better.” She said quietly. “I was hoping that getting some fresh air would help. I’m not sure how that’s going yet.” But being unsure of it was helping was better than giving up and saying that it wasn’t helping at all, so Jamie was going to take that as a win. Small steps were the way to begin any big change, and this was no different. “What about you? How have you been?” It had been hard for the two of them to stay in touch, with all their various responsibilities and the fact that they were in different houses, but Jamie still wanted to know everything she had missed in Andy’s life.

@lestrange

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Andy's name felt different on Jamie's house. It felt... nice. Jamie had been around, sure, but she didn't seem to really care about who Andy was. If she even knew. It was like a breath of fresh air hearing her name come from those lips.

Jamie answered her, saying she was bad but getting better. Andy nodded, listening as Jamie continued. "The fact that you're trying is enough to make something happen... I think," Andy said, trying to sound encouraging. She wasn't the best at it, though. She was happy to try and help, of course, because she had really liked meeting Jamie and thought that person was a great person. Even happy people had their bad times, though, but Andy was glad to help her get out of it... if she could.

"I've been..." Andy hesitated, too. She considered how to answer that truthfully without being too depressing or getting into her insanity. "Breathing, Jamie. I've been breathing," she said softly as well. Then she shook her head, "but, like you, getting better." That was true!

@jamie

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However small Andy’s encouragement had bene, it was enough for Jamie. It was difficult for her to separate how she felt about herself from how other people felt about her, and even the smallest act of validation was enough for her to know that she was going in the right direction. Of course, if she continued in that direction, Jamie wouldn’t need any validation at all, but she was still overwhelmingly focused on taking baby steps towards her final destination. “I think it’s only enough if I keep trying.” Jamie said slowly, uncertainly. “A one-time effort is great, but I think it has to be more continuous to really work.” Especially when she was as far gone as she was, just taking one walk once wouldn’t be enough. Jamie knew that, she was prepared for that. But she was also prepared to get better.

“Breathing is better than not.” Jamie said quietly. “You know I’m here for you, right, Andy?” They hadn’t talked much and they didn’t see each other much, but Jamie wanted to be Andy’s friend, wanted to help her. They were uniquely situated to understand each other, Jamie thought, with a dark family past but a desire to get better.

@lestrange

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Andy agreed. About the comment that you just had to keep trying, continuously. "Yeah," Andy said softly, straightening up a little again, "I try to try," she muttered, adding a little chuckle afterward. It was redundant, and she was taught not to be redundant. Still, it was all she knew. Trying to try. Attempting to grow and change with the help of others and herself. It was a long, grueling process.

Then Jamie said that breathing was better than not, followed by a declaration that she was there for her. For Andy. The corner of Andy's lip tugged upward just a little and she nodded, only once. "I think I do, yeah. I feel like there are so many people that I can turn to but... sometimes I just need myself. You know?" she was sure that Jamie, of all people, understood this. Understood trying to take care of yourself by yourself

@jamie

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Jamie chuckled a little when Andy said that she tried to try. “That’s all we can ask of ourselves.” Because really, wasn’t pushing too hard what had gotten them here in the first place? It had definitely been Jamie’s reason. She had expected way too much of herself, and attempted to control things that were far beyond her control. Then, when she couldn’t control them, she had gotten frustrated, and sunken further. The good thing about it was that since she had dug herself into this hole, she could dig herself out.

Jamie nodded when Andy said that she had a lot of people to turn to, but sometimes she just needed herself. “Relying on someone else to make you happy or to support you isn’t always good.” She agreed. “We need to learn how to stand on our own two feet before we learn to lean on somebody else.”

@lestrange

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It was hard for Andy to ask anything of herself, really, but that was exactly what she was trying to overcome. She needed to trust herself. She didn't, not yet, but she knew that this was what she eventually wanted. She kept telling herself that everything would be fine 'once Phil got back' but that was the problem. She needed to be fine by herself, for herself and with herself. And that, really, was the hardest thing to do.

Jamie agreed with her, too, and even spoke the exact words she was thinking. About standing on their own two feet first. "That's the hard thing," Andy said, her voice a soft chuckle, "still... it is nice to have the support group," she found herself walking closer to Jamie somehow, and she wasn't sure when that happened.

@jamie

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“Oh, I know.” Jamie said with a bit of a relieved smile when Andy agreed that standing on her own two feet was the hard thing. “My family is so big, you know, and they all just want me to lean on them…” And Jamie couldn’t even object to that, since she had allowed them to lean on her, too, on more than one occasion. And she didn’t want to seem ungrateful or anything of the sort, because she was glad they were there – she had fought so hard for it, how could she not be grateful that they were there!? – but leaning was awfully tiring, sometimes. “I guess…we spend so much of our time trying to weather storms that it gets muddy when the storm has stopped.” Jamie shook her head a little, and then realized that Andy was closer to her, close enough that Jamie could reach for her hand, which she did. “Or if they were even there in the first place.” Merlin knew that some of Jamie’s problems had seemed, in hindsight, just to be in her head.

@lestrange

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Andy nodded a little too vigorously at the big family comment. "Right? My family, both blood and adopted, are always offering their help and sometimes it's hard to turn them down. I also feel like their always talking about me, how to 'help Andy'," she lifted her fingers to do the quotation marks in the air, "and I am grateful for it but it's hard when sometimes I feel like I'm being ambushed with help. Though, I do know I need it a lot of the time," of course she was grateful, and she was sure Jamie was too. But, the did have the big family thing in common now.

At Jamie's comment about weathering storms and the muddiness Andy sighed, looking down for a moment and nodding. Then, her hand found Jamie's. Or... wait, did Jamie take hers? She wasn't sure who reached for who first, but it was nice to have that stability. Andy looked up at her, squeezing that hand, "Even if they weren't there, your feelings are still valid," she said softly, trying for an encouraging smile.

@jamie

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It was nice that someone got the whole ‘nontraditional family’ thing. Andy’s came in the form of adoption, and Jamie’s cam in the form of a handful of half-siblings, but it still stood that neither of them were the picture-perfect two and a half kids with a happily married mom and dad and all of that. Jamie wouldn’t want that, really, now that she had what she did. “Mine don’t really want to help me so much as…I don’t even know.” Jamie said with a shake of her head. Keep her innocence? Ha. Like she had any left. Jamie scolded herself for that comment. She was just as innocent as she let herself be. “We should work on how to say no to them.” Jamie said softly. “I don’t know, that seems like something that would be easier to do with someone else.” Someone who wasn’t as emotionally attached to everyone in your life, who could shove them away with the callousness of a stranger. Shoving people away wasn’t always good, but when you needed room to breathe, it could be.

Andy squeezed her hand, and Jamie squeezed back, glad to have something warm to hold onto. “Thanks.” Jamie said, wiping away a stray tear that had escaped her eye. “I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that until you said it.” She said with a little bit of a laugh. Jamie paused. “You know, Andy, I think I want to stop trying to weather storms, and start to be the storm instead.”

@lestrange

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They both had big families, so there were a lot of relationships to balance, Andy knew. "Either way," she shrugged, "I'm just glad to have them, even if it gets crazy sometimes. Like I'm sure yours does too," she said with a small nod, "let's make a deal," she suggested, raising an eyebrow, "we can say no to each other and not take it in a bad way. Deal?" she offered, making eye contact with Jamie and smiling slightly.

Jamie squeezed her hand back and thanked her, Andy shook her head just a little as if to say it was nothing. Jamie admitted that she hadn't known she needed to hear that and Andy nodded, smiling as well. Then, after a pause, Jamie said she wanted to be the storm instead.

Andy stopped walking for a moment. What a phrase. Be the storm. Andy had done that, maybe not in the best way, but maybe it was a start to... working things out on her own. Inside her. She squeezed Jamies hand again, "let's both be storms."

@jamie

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Jamie nodded when Andy said that she was glad for her family. She was glad for hers, too. “Deal.” Jamie said instantly when Andy proposed that they’d be able to say no to each other without hard feelings or injured pride or whatever else could result from being told no. She grinned at Andy when the other girl suggested that they both be storms. “Yes, let’s.” Watch out, world: Hurricanes Andromeda and Jamie were about to make landfall.

“It’s getting a little chilly.” Jamie said idly. The thought of the temperature of the air around her triggered something in Jamie, and she realized that she actually was fairly cold, despite the cloak she had around her shoulders. “We could be getting back inside.” She added. “Or rather, I should be getting back inside.” They had just been talking about how they didn’t want others trying to control them, even if the control was via well-meaning advice, so Jamie didn’t want to turn around and stomp on that by forcing Andy to go back to the castle with her, especially if the other girl wasn’t ready to return.

@lestrange

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It had been a good walk. And important one, really, for Andy right now. She didn't know what was coming, of course, or that she'd storm a little differently than she meant... but she'd remember this later on. Jamie mentioned the chill in the air and Andy nodded, but released Jamie's hand as she did so. Andy chuckled as Jamie corrected herself, not wanting to decide for her. "Yeah, I'm ready to. Shall we?" she said, turning around and heading back toward the castle.

They walked most of the way back in silence, aside from a little banter here and there. Andy was both surprised and happy to find she had a friend in Jamie Greyback.

@jamie
(the end )