So close and still so far (irina)

[Deleted]

Dan was freaking out.

Freaking. Out.

He knew what he was coming here to do, on December thirty-first, the last day of 2023. He was headed toward the Gryffindor tower, but he kept stopping and turning back. He was mumbling to himself and getting weird looks.

It was four in the afternoon. How could he do this before midnight!? That seemed cruel, but doing it after midnight was worse. He knew this was the best thing. That in order to love her to his full capacity he needed to take a step back.

So why was it so damn hard?

Finally, he reached the tower. Blessed by the gods to see Lily walked toward it. He reached out to her, catching her arm. "Lily, can you grab Ri for me?"

"Yeah, geez, tight grip! She'll be right out, one sec-" she went inside and located Irina, informing her, in her words, "your boyfriend is outside looking for you. He's got crazy eyes," she warned.

And Dan waited.

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina wasn’t actually sure what her plans to ring in the New Year were. Dan had been great, a glimmer of his old self at the Yule Ball. A lot of their talk had been about the future; their future, together. More and more though, Irina was realizing it was simply a spike of happiness, and not a sign that he was finally seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel. If anything, he’d seemed worse. She didn’t necessarily think the future talk scared him because he didn’t love her, more that he didn’t know what he could handle. She was trying to work on understanding empathy better, but it was slow going. She knew though if she could just have a free day, with nothing else to do, she could at least get a book from the library that could shed some light on it all. Anything to understand.

Suddenly Lily burst in. Dan was outside? With crazy eyes? A swooping sensation flew through Rina’s stomach; it was only four o’clock in the afternoon, eight hours before midnight. Something was either terribly exciting or, the thought that Irina was leaning towards, terribly wrong. Swallowing hard, Rina stood and tried to quell the shaking in her hand. What had Spike told her? Meditation. Breathe in, and breathe out.

In. Out.

Irina exited the portrait hole, practicing her breathing as silently as she could, clearing her mind like she was taught. “Hey,” she said with a small smile. Her ponytail swung in front of her face as she hopped down from the hole; she brushed it behind her shoulder as she straightened. “What’s up?” she asked, giving him a small smile before quickly brushing her lips against his cheek.

@daniel

[Deleted]

Like a summer breeze she appeared before him, magnificent as ever, smiling and kissing his cheek as she asked hi what was up. He caught her waist with one arm when she did that, holding her there for a moment. "I was hoping we could take a walk. Wanted to talk to you about a few things," he said, returning a kiss onto her own cheek before letting her go. He did offer his hand, though.

And why not? What he was doing was for their love, anyways, and he needed to make sure she knew that. He needed to make it as clear as possible that his feelings were still there, just as strong, just as real. Why not be as honest with her as possible?

"What do you say?" he asked, before moving to walk. He would head toward one of the other towers, maybe one that would give them fresh air.

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina just nodded as he asked her to take a walk and talk with him about some things. In her experience, which was rather limited, these kind of talks didn't end very well.  But she couldn't think about the what-ifs, not now.  It was selfish of her to think of herself when Dan was suffering so much.  So she simply let her hand entwine with his as they walked off.  "What about the Astronomy tower?" she suggested softly.  Though the light was fading fast, the sun could still be seen, peeking out from the mountaintops as if to say goodbye to the year 2023.

As they walked, Irina remembered her teachings.  Breathe in, breathe out, empty your mind of thoughts.  Irina breathed in and out with each step, not trusting herself to speak.  Dan always hated small talk anyway; sometimes he made her feel like she talked too much, changing direction at every turn.  Especially recently.  He would never ever say anything to her about it of course, but she knew she could overwhelm an ordinary person sometimes; it was one of her resolutions to work on.  Irina pushed open the door to the Astronomy Tower; it seemed that nobody else had the idea to come up here at this moment.  Then again, midnight was far away and the thoughts of her peers were undoubtedly on what to wear or who they'd kiss that night at the stroke of twelve.


@daniel

[Deleted]

He nodded at her suggestion about the Astronomy tower and let her lead the way. Soon they were there, and the fresh air was quite a lovely relief. Not that he could feel much relief right now. He pulled her toward the end so they could be at the edge, looking over the grounds and sky. He didn't say anything at first, before turning toward her and reaching for her other hand, so he could hold both of them.

He didn't even notice that her emotions were more muted. If anything, he thought that he was just doing really well for some reason. He looked right in her eyes, and was surprised at how easy it was to do that. Actually, looking in those eyes gave him courage, reminding him of what he had to do. For her.

"You can get mad at me," he started, "but just hear me out." Deep breath.

"I know I've been a terrible boyfriend this last month, our whole relationship really, because I've never felt so much and I feel like I'm drowning. Or sinking. Whatever. I want to be the best guy I can be, Ri, for me and for you. Because of all that stuff we talked about at the ball. Because of you and me. Because of Nikolai and Magi and mum and dad," one more deep breath, hoping she would stay silent until he was finished. "Because they all have something I don't. The ability to just be in love. I don't have that. I have more, and I think it can be a lovely thing, if I let it. But I need you to trust me. Or don't. Just... Try to understand that this is what is best," he took a step back so she could take her hands away if she wanted to. He did release one hand, though, in order to reach into his pocket. He pulled out a small box, about a half an inch square, made of wood.

"My grandfather gave this to me. Its just a little poem, with a heart shaped pendant," he explained, holding the box out to her. "I swear I'll come back for it. I'll come back to you. I just need to be the best I can be before I do. Please, Ri, take it," finally, he stopped.

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina knew something was coming, and she had a feeling she knew what. Still, hearing him say the words out loud felt like little jabs with a dull knife to her heart. Not just because he wanted to take a step back from the relationship; that part she was finding surprised her least. No, it was when he described himself as drowning and sinking. She didn’t want anyone who had a relationship with her, romantic or otherwise to ever feel that way. Her mind floated to a brief memory of swimming out too far in the sea; she was four or five and her father had to come out and get her. It was why she didn’t like swimming in deep water - she always remembered that suffocating feeling and shied away. If that was what Dan was feeling...she didn’t want to be the reason for that.

Suddenly Dan was pulling a box out of his pocket, and some confusion trickled into the numbness that was Irina’s mind. He explained what it was and she didn’t break eye contact, but didn’t reach out for it either. She didn’t think her limbs could work right now. What she was currently feeling couldn’t really be described as emotion, just a barrage of thoughts racing through her mind. She’d thought she was happy, but had she been? In the beginning, yes she had. But what about December? She had spent most of it worrying about Dan, whether or not he was having a good day, whether he’d want to see her, or if she did see him would he be apathetic, standoffish, unintentionally making her feel unwanted or unwelcome. Her friends had joked that her life revolved around Dan since they had gotten together, but she’d just laughed along with them then. What if they were right? Had she been the best Irina Krum she could be the past few weeks, months even? If she was honest with herself, she’d been in denial for awhile now. She wasn’t the best she could be, not for herself, and especially not for Daniel. She’d pretended everything was okay, stubbornly repeating to herself over and over again that she could fix things if she just tried harder. Now the answer was plain in front of her; some things just couldn’t be fixed so easily.

She realized she’d been completely silent; had it been seconds since he’s spoken? Minutes? Longer? No, she doubted longer. Finally, Irina found her voice. “Will you read me the poem? Please?” Her voice sounded distant, higher than normal. She waited, eerily calm, for him to respond.

@daniel

[Deleted]

She was silent, which Dan expected, but he waited patiently. He was used to silence, liked it, even. But he could feel her emotions still, of course, but they were so... different than he expected. It wasn't a loud volcano, a burning sensation, bright in his eyes. It was... contemplative, introspective and very, very subtle. It was weird to now feel what she was feeling so strongly, and he found himself kind of missing it... but, he was grateful.

She asked him to read the poem and he nodded, astounded for a moment that sound was real, and opened the box, sliding the lid across to reveal the tiny paper. He took it out, "It's pretty well known," he said, "it's actually a prayer, I think..." he cleared his throat.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life.

He paused, looking back up at her, the little paper still in hand. It was by Reinhold Niebuhr, a spiritual leader, but this was a more modern adaptation. He hadn't read it in so long and, a part of him knew, if he had just read it sooner he would have been able to make things all right before. Been able to be careful, take things slower the first time, find himself years before he ever found this with Irina.

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina simply nodded as Dan told her it was an well known poem, or prayer really. She didn’t necessarily consider herself religious; her parents hadn’t really brought them up that way. But she found that she did recognize the poem as he read it for her. She realized she was twisting a lock of her dark hair between her forefinger and middle finger, a habit she’d always had since she was young. She let the strands slip back to rest on her shoulder and she let out a small sigh. “If I’d known-” she stopped herself. She had known, she’d just been too stubborn to let herself realize it. She knew one day her stubborn streak would get herself in trouble, and now she’d have to deal with it.

Her hand reached out and gently tugged the paper out of his hand. She folded it, gently so the old parchment didn’t tear, and then, finally, took the box from his hand. Her hand felt steadier now but her eyes were beginning to betray her; looking into his startlingly blue eyes knowing it could be the last time for awhile was beginning to dawn on her and pinpricks of tears were forming at the corners. Quickly but gently, she placed the paper back into the box and slid it shut. Inhaling, she looked away, gazing out onto the grounds as the first betraying tear slid down her cheek. This wasn’t goodbye, she knew that. But that little, selfish part of her, the part that cared more about herself felt sad and cold. She shuddered unintentionally, but didn’t look back at him. She didn’t think she was ready to speak again, not yet.

@daniel

[Deleted]

She started to speak, but stopped, and that was okay. A part of him felt slightly angry, the part that thought he'd done everything in his power to warn her about what he was like. But, maybe he didn't. Or maybe they both had just been in denial of the reality of all this. Maybe they were just stupid. Yeah, that was probably it.

He let her take the paper and box with ease, seeing her eyes well with tears and finally, she looked away. He let out a breath, letting a few moments of silence pass before stepping up beside her, and lifting his hand as if he was going to take hers. He brought his hand back without touching her though, and took several steps back, until he was at the door.

"I'll come back," he promised again, then he was turning down the stairs and leaving. He walked slowly, all the way back to the Durmstrang ship. He saw a few people on the way, but he didn't stop. It was like he was his old self, but he knew inside he wasn't. He was completely different.

And he was just going to get better.

Irina Rose Krum
(the end, unless you want one more)

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina could see him move forward, she saw his hand rise and then fall down to his side. She took several deep breaths, registering that he said he’d come back, and then he was gone. Only then did she look up, staring at the door the man she loved had just walked out on. Part of her just wanted to curl up into a ball, sob hysterically and scream at how unjust and cruel the world was. The idea was enticing, and another tear fell down her cheek. When did she become such a sap? Had she really become such a pessimistic person that because Dan needed to take time to be a better man, a better person that her life was over? Really, how dramatically immature of her.

Wiping her cheeks furiously, Irina looked down at the box and opened it again. She hadn’t really seen it when Dan was talking, and gently lifted the paper out of the way to look at the pendant. It was green and heart shaped, like he had said (at least she thought he had), and when she lifted it out of the box it glimmered in the rapidly fading sunlight. Before she realized what was happening, Irina let out a laugh. Maybe it was going to be okay in the end; Dan wouldn’t have given something like this to her if he didn’t really care. Maybe the best way to move forward was to take a step back.

Suddenly inspired, Irina nestled the necklace and poem back in the box and put it in her pocket; she’d store it in a safe place when she went down to the Common room, but that was not her current destination. She barely registered anyone around her as she made her way to the Owlery. Arthur was there, perched on one of the highest ledges as usual but her faithful owl fluttered down onto her shoulder as she entered. He nuzzled the side of her head and Irina smiled, stroking his pure white feathers softly before pulling out a spare piece of parchment and grabbing the quill and inkwell left in the Owlery for ‘just-in-case’ cases.

Dan,

I just want you to know that I am always on your side, no matter what happens. Arthur can always find me if you need me.

I love you.

Irina

@daniel
END -sobs-