Post by rhys alexander greyback on Nov 3, 2020 23:13:22 GMT -7
i never fight to see
if coming clean would get to me
November 6, 2025
Turbulent. The best way Rhys could describe how his mind felt, his heart and his whole self. While his heart may not have been racing he could still hear it in his ears. Was that a symptom of his indecision or just a side effect of the morning after a full moon? He never could be certain. Blinking while the blurriness of waking up faded away he stared at the nothingness of his ceiling, his hands behind his head as he reminded himself not to clench his jaw. An anxious tic, a bad habit. But Rhys was full of bad habits he couldn't or was unwilling to break. Unwilling. But why? The man was proud of his determinative self and his drive, his resourcefulness but while this year and the last had brought more tragedy than it had happiness he was still consistently on his own path, beating to his own drum--until he wasn't. Rhys let out a deep and heavy breath, he hadn't had a nightmare this month for which he was eternally grateful but that still didn't stop memories repeatedly flashing through his mind as if they had been his dream but perhaps they had been as well as reality. Moving his hands from behind his head he rolled to his side grabbing the pillow from the other side of the bed so he could possibly sleep a few minutes. When his face made contact with the cool fabric he took a deep breath. Of course. Even though it had been some time she since she had occupied his bed, the pillow still smelled like her.
There was a small lurch in his chest, the same he'd remembered feeling before and he had hoped that by ignoring it that it would go away of its own accord. It wasn't anything, it wasn't real. Wasn't that what they had settled on? "This is just sex, isn't it?" He had said as his own blue eyes darkened while they locked with her own brown ones. Rhys remembered the uncertainty he had felt as he had been fighting with his mind and his urges, the full moon was a tumultuous time for him but in the end his urges had won out. Whether she had been surprised to see him he never found out but she hasn't sent him away, when he looked at her and she looked back at him it was as if she was able to see him with the scrutiny he couldn't even give himself. Their anger still bubbled below the surface. The accidental encounter on Zombie Island had created tension and not the kind that was even remotely comfortable. The privacy he was used to with his personal life and even against his family had been invaded and the argument that had ensued on top of the already occurring argument had only served to add fuel to the fire of Rhys' great temper.
While he'd managed to stop his sister and Maria from scratching each other's eyes out, or worse he was still trying to find his footing with his youngest sister again. It had been a clear display of how little you could know of an individual and still spend so much time with them though physical familiarity was a poor substitute for intimacy. Comfortable. That was the word he had decidedly come up with in the end, he was comfortable with her and that had come at the cost of exposing who he was those few times. When he'd had that nightmare she hadn't pushed him away, when she had been in trouble he'd been summoned and quickly he came. For the first time he'd been forced into a place of introspection especially after avoiding it for so long. "Who is she to you?" Rhys had been asked but he hadn't been able to answer. The silence was an answer in itself but it didn't feel like nothing. The club, that was where this had really begun when she had toyed with him until his calm and cool exterior had fallen and as if the full moon had risen suddenly that night but she hadn't run. The thrill of it all, the release--it had been intoxicating and then it had become a regular thing. "It's nothing." Rhys had said to her, again with those brown eyes.
Rhys rolled again onto his back and paused for a moment, almost shaking his head at himself in the pure denial he seemed to lived in. With that he rolled one last time so that he could sit on the edge of his bed and stand, stretching his sore and stiff body. The potion, while keeping him mentally aware only helped slightly with the physical stress of transforming, though it was better than no potion at all and wondering what wounds he would awake with. More often than not he found a desk or chair shattered and splintered with many splinters ending up on his person, scratches often lining his torso and back and much worse. The scars that lined his body came mostly from twenty years living his curse, or from various incidents at work where a job hadn't gone quite as planned and of course the few scratches from nails digging into his back--and with that she maintained her presence in his mind. He rubbed his eyes again, grabbed his wand from the nightstand and walked into the living room where he grabbed the tea kettle to fill it with water, but placed it back down on the counter when he saw an open letter.
He had forgotten that this had arrived a few days previously as his mind had been preoccupied by other matters at hand and he skimmed the contents. Gringotts Bank request his services in Egypt and had a small summary of what he was expected to locate and find and return to the bank. It wasn't normally a job he would have taken especially when he wasn't sure if he was going to have to do this alone, he preferred to have a partner he trusted with these types of tasks which was really for their own safety for the most part. Though Rhys would never admit it out loud he did like the company. "You just seem to sleep well when someone's close." The whispered words still the echoed in his mind. Rhys placed the letter back on the counter and pushed it away, it wasn't an urgent request and honestly he couldn't concentrate on that at the moment. She hadn't pushed him away when he showed up, craving her. There was the physical need but something else he didn't know how to label but he knew the comfort and familiarity had something to do with it. "I don't trust her.". The thing was Rhys did trust her.
While the events that hand unfolded were much the same as was expected from them both the entire experience had been so very, very different. There was a fine line between fulfilling some carnal desire, scratching that itch and something that was passionate instead. But he'd shown up because he needed her and he'd waited a week all that pent up anger he took it out on her. She'd fallen asleep with her head on his chest as had become the typical pattern and Rhys remembered having fighting urges to pull her closer and to run very far away. The more he thought about it the more he had trouble telling himself it wasn't what he thought it was. While Rhys wasn't one that crossed that line very often he still knew what it felt like and what that experience was like. His first real experience had been at the age of sixteen when his anxiety and trepidation had gotten the better of him and he'd run away, frightened of the uncertainties of this path was. Crossing his arms, he turned and leaned against the edge of the counter. With unfocused eyes he stared at nothing in particular--the Gringotts letter and tea kettle forgotten as he pondered more serious matters.
Rhys had awoken, as calm as he'd ever been. A fluke surely, so the closer it got to the full moon and as if falling back into their regular routine there they had been again. There was comfort in reliability, there was comfort in acceptance and Rhys knew he trusted her because he didn't have to hold back or hide. The small identity crisis he was facing alongside clearer thoughts on the situation made him very uneasy and he could feel the anxiety alongside the realization. It was their usual battle of wills, but he'd taken complete control and she hadn't fought him for it the same way she usually did. She'd submitted. And then the aftermath, the pensieve, the memories. So much emotion had been expelled that day from two broken people who had never intended to share it with one another. Rhys had held her as she cried and she'd clung onto him where she could on his bare skin as if begging him not to leave. It had been so...intimate. Rhys clenched his jaw and shook his head again. No. Nope. His flat was silent except for the familiar ticking of his clock and after a minute of indecision he walked back to his room and opened the closet door, fishing out his almost long forgotten travel pack that looked like a backpack but had been modified to fit much more than a backpack. Sitting it on his bed he opened drawers to pull out shirts, jeans, socks and everything else he would need for some time away.
Pulling out a pair of worn blue jeans he threw them on the bed alongside a t-shirt and fatigue styled jacket he would wear when he arrived. Nope. He thought to himself again. While he was placing his socks in his backpack he felt a familiar buzz and he paused, again the lurching feeling in his chest and he glanced over to the nightstand. The display of the phone had lit up and indicated a new message. For a moment he contemplated ignoring it, but since his self-control seemed to be waning these days he dropped the backpack back on the bed and walked over and grabbed the phone. As he suspected, a message from her but he at least stopped himself from opening it and instead placed the phone back on the nightstand for now. Rhys stood in his spot and took a deep breath, setting down on the edge of his bed that wasn't covered with clothing. He knew, the more he tried to deny it the more acceptance seemed to knock. It hadn't been a fluke, the way he craved her near him wasn't a fluke, the way his chest felt short of breath when he rolled to her side of the bed wasn't a fluke and neither was the last time he had seen her.
The recognition didn't mix well with the anxiety that seemed to leave a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was never the same but it was, he remembered being a lovesick sixteen year old boy craving nothing but her near him and to see her smile. Rhys wasn't sixteen anymore and fairy tales didn't exist, the way his life was lead and the cards dealt for him he didn't seem to deserve happiness. Shit. It didn't matter what Rhys told himself, he knew what this was--what he was feeling and that was the problem. Maria wasn't supposed to make him feel anything of consequence but yet here he was fighting this losing internal battle. Rhys wanted nothing more than to pick up that phone and read whatever message she had sent him, to see her and let her know he was leaving for work. But he didn't, this wasn't supposed to happen. They were never even supposed to meet. She was his dead younger brother's cousin, he was the older brother of her dead best friend. How did this happen? Rhys stood up, slightly frustrated and continued to pack. That line had been crossed after all, he had crossed it and he needed to get away.
Rhys chose to follow his instinct this time instead of the easier path. Isn't that what had gotten him into this mess in the first place? Taking the easy way and letting go of whatever control of his façade he was used to having? The last time he'd let anyone see who he wasn't he'd been shattered and that wasn't an experience he was eager to repeat. She would survive, perhaps she would find a new plaything among her clientele and especially one that didn't have his baggage and perhaps not somebody so broken. His pack was full of most of what he would need that he couldn't buy when he arrived in Egypt and he put on the jeans and shirt he had set aside earlier, walking back to the closet for his boots. They were well worn and visibly so, but they were comfortable and had lasted him faithfully this long. After he was dressed he glanced back at the phone on the nightstand, picking it up and staring at the screen again. He paused, should he let her know he was leaving?
They weren't anything, whatever he was feeling at that moment wasn't anything real. They. Weren't. Real. Rhys closed his eyes and took a breath, pushing down the strange combination of anxiety and ache in his chest down. Putting the phone in the nightstand drawer he closed it and wondered what effect his decision would have, on him or her. Already he missed her, that half-veela beauty that fogged his brain and that fiery personality that only spoke with such veracity. Rhys felt something for Maria but he had to find a way to stop. Grabbing his jacket and pack off the bed he walked into the kitchen where his wand still lay on the counter and he placed it in his usual holster. The Gringotts letter was also there and he grabbed that, walking over to his desk where he scribbled a note on it. Without prompting his owl moved from its perch and accepted the small paper and a treat, "Make sure they get this at the bank." Eris his faithful companion, she nipped at his finger and then flew out the window he had opened.
Most of the wards were already in place as no Curse breaker would leave their home so unprotected and as he started the closed door of his flat Rhys wasn't sure when he would be back. It could take a few days or it could take a few weeks. Rhys had cases that had taken months even, one never knew and it was an adventure either way. Once he arrived at his destination he would send word to his siblings to let them know where he was, a habit so they knew he was safe and alive and well. A last sigh and wand in hand he disappeared with a loud CRACK.
i might stay out longer
than I left the light on for you
if coming clean would get to me
November 6, 2025
Turbulent. The best way Rhys could describe how his mind felt, his heart and his whole self. While his heart may not have been racing he could still hear it in his ears. Was that a symptom of his indecision or just a side effect of the morning after a full moon? He never could be certain. Blinking while the blurriness of waking up faded away he stared at the nothingness of his ceiling, his hands behind his head as he reminded himself not to clench his jaw. An anxious tic, a bad habit. But Rhys was full of bad habits he couldn't or was unwilling to break. Unwilling. But why? The man was proud of his determinative self and his drive, his resourcefulness but while this year and the last had brought more tragedy than it had happiness he was still consistently on his own path, beating to his own drum--until he wasn't. Rhys let out a deep and heavy breath, he hadn't had a nightmare this month for which he was eternally grateful but that still didn't stop memories repeatedly flashing through his mind as if they had been his dream but perhaps they had been as well as reality. Moving his hands from behind his head he rolled to his side grabbing the pillow from the other side of the bed so he could possibly sleep a few minutes. When his face made contact with the cool fabric he took a deep breath. Of course. Even though it had been some time she since she had occupied his bed, the pillow still smelled like her.
There was a small lurch in his chest, the same he'd remembered feeling before and he had hoped that by ignoring it that it would go away of its own accord. It wasn't anything, it wasn't real. Wasn't that what they had settled on? "This is just sex, isn't it?" He had said as his own blue eyes darkened while they locked with her own brown ones. Rhys remembered the uncertainty he had felt as he had been fighting with his mind and his urges, the full moon was a tumultuous time for him but in the end his urges had won out. Whether she had been surprised to see him he never found out but she hasn't sent him away, when he looked at her and she looked back at him it was as if she was able to see him with the scrutiny he couldn't even give himself. Their anger still bubbled below the surface. The accidental encounter on Zombie Island had created tension and not the kind that was even remotely comfortable. The privacy he was used to with his personal life and even against his family had been invaded and the argument that had ensued on top of the already occurring argument had only served to add fuel to the fire of Rhys' great temper.
While he'd managed to stop his sister and Maria from scratching each other's eyes out, or worse he was still trying to find his footing with his youngest sister again. It had been a clear display of how little you could know of an individual and still spend so much time with them though physical familiarity was a poor substitute for intimacy. Comfortable. That was the word he had decidedly come up with in the end, he was comfortable with her and that had come at the cost of exposing who he was those few times. When he'd had that nightmare she hadn't pushed him away, when she had been in trouble he'd been summoned and quickly he came. For the first time he'd been forced into a place of introspection especially after avoiding it for so long. "Who is she to you?" Rhys had been asked but he hadn't been able to answer. The silence was an answer in itself but it didn't feel like nothing. The club, that was where this had really begun when she had toyed with him until his calm and cool exterior had fallen and as if the full moon had risen suddenly that night but she hadn't run. The thrill of it all, the release--it had been intoxicating and then it had become a regular thing. "It's nothing." Rhys had said to her, again with those brown eyes.
Rhys rolled again onto his back and paused for a moment, almost shaking his head at himself in the pure denial he seemed to lived in. With that he rolled one last time so that he could sit on the edge of his bed and stand, stretching his sore and stiff body. The potion, while keeping him mentally aware only helped slightly with the physical stress of transforming, though it was better than no potion at all and wondering what wounds he would awake with. More often than not he found a desk or chair shattered and splintered with many splinters ending up on his person, scratches often lining his torso and back and much worse. The scars that lined his body came mostly from twenty years living his curse, or from various incidents at work where a job hadn't gone quite as planned and of course the few scratches from nails digging into his back--and with that she maintained her presence in his mind. He rubbed his eyes again, grabbed his wand from the nightstand and walked into the living room where he grabbed the tea kettle to fill it with water, but placed it back down on the counter when he saw an open letter.
He had forgotten that this had arrived a few days previously as his mind had been preoccupied by other matters at hand and he skimmed the contents. Gringotts Bank request his services in Egypt and had a small summary of what he was expected to locate and find and return to the bank. It wasn't normally a job he would have taken especially when he wasn't sure if he was going to have to do this alone, he preferred to have a partner he trusted with these types of tasks which was really for their own safety for the most part. Though Rhys would never admit it out loud he did like the company. "You just seem to sleep well when someone's close." The whispered words still the echoed in his mind. Rhys placed the letter back on the counter and pushed it away, it wasn't an urgent request and honestly he couldn't concentrate on that at the moment. She hadn't pushed him away when he showed up, craving her. There was the physical need but something else he didn't know how to label but he knew the comfort and familiarity had something to do with it. "I don't trust her.". The thing was Rhys did trust her.
While the events that hand unfolded were much the same as was expected from them both the entire experience had been so very, very different. There was a fine line between fulfilling some carnal desire, scratching that itch and something that was passionate instead. But he'd shown up because he needed her and he'd waited a week all that pent up anger he took it out on her. She'd fallen asleep with her head on his chest as had become the typical pattern and Rhys remembered having fighting urges to pull her closer and to run very far away. The more he thought about it the more he had trouble telling himself it wasn't what he thought it was. While Rhys wasn't one that crossed that line very often he still knew what it felt like and what that experience was like. His first real experience had been at the age of sixteen when his anxiety and trepidation had gotten the better of him and he'd run away, frightened of the uncertainties of this path was. Crossing his arms, he turned and leaned against the edge of the counter. With unfocused eyes he stared at nothing in particular--the Gringotts letter and tea kettle forgotten as he pondered more serious matters.
Rhys had awoken, as calm as he'd ever been. A fluke surely, so the closer it got to the full moon and as if falling back into their regular routine there they had been again. There was comfort in reliability, there was comfort in acceptance and Rhys knew he trusted her because he didn't have to hold back or hide. The small identity crisis he was facing alongside clearer thoughts on the situation made him very uneasy and he could feel the anxiety alongside the realization. It was their usual battle of wills, but he'd taken complete control and she hadn't fought him for it the same way she usually did. She'd submitted. And then the aftermath, the pensieve, the memories. So much emotion had been expelled that day from two broken people who had never intended to share it with one another. Rhys had held her as she cried and she'd clung onto him where she could on his bare skin as if begging him not to leave. It had been so...intimate. Rhys clenched his jaw and shook his head again. No. Nope. His flat was silent except for the familiar ticking of his clock and after a minute of indecision he walked back to his room and opened the closet door, fishing out his almost long forgotten travel pack that looked like a backpack but had been modified to fit much more than a backpack. Sitting it on his bed he opened drawers to pull out shirts, jeans, socks and everything else he would need for some time away.
Pulling out a pair of worn blue jeans he threw them on the bed alongside a t-shirt and fatigue styled jacket he would wear when he arrived. Nope. He thought to himself again. While he was placing his socks in his backpack he felt a familiar buzz and he paused, again the lurching feeling in his chest and he glanced over to the nightstand. The display of the phone had lit up and indicated a new message. For a moment he contemplated ignoring it, but since his self-control seemed to be waning these days he dropped the backpack back on the bed and walked over and grabbed the phone. As he suspected, a message from her but he at least stopped himself from opening it and instead placed the phone back on the nightstand for now. Rhys stood in his spot and took a deep breath, setting down on the edge of his bed that wasn't covered with clothing. He knew, the more he tried to deny it the more acceptance seemed to knock. It hadn't been a fluke, the way he craved her near him wasn't a fluke, the way his chest felt short of breath when he rolled to her side of the bed wasn't a fluke and neither was the last time he had seen her.
Fuck
The recognition didn't mix well with the anxiety that seemed to leave a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was never the same but it was, he remembered being a lovesick sixteen year old boy craving nothing but her near him and to see her smile. Rhys wasn't sixteen anymore and fairy tales didn't exist, the way his life was lead and the cards dealt for him he didn't seem to deserve happiness. Shit. It didn't matter what Rhys told himself, he knew what this was--what he was feeling and that was the problem. Maria wasn't supposed to make him feel anything of consequence but yet here he was fighting this losing internal battle. Rhys wanted nothing more than to pick up that phone and read whatever message she had sent him, to see her and let her know he was leaving for work. But he didn't, this wasn't supposed to happen. They were never even supposed to meet. She was his dead younger brother's cousin, he was the older brother of her dead best friend. How did this happen? Rhys stood up, slightly frustrated and continued to pack. That line had been crossed after all, he had crossed it and he needed to get away.
Rhys chose to follow his instinct this time instead of the easier path. Isn't that what had gotten him into this mess in the first place? Taking the easy way and letting go of whatever control of his façade he was used to having? The last time he'd let anyone see who he wasn't he'd been shattered and that wasn't an experience he was eager to repeat. She would survive, perhaps she would find a new plaything among her clientele and especially one that didn't have his baggage and perhaps not somebody so broken. His pack was full of most of what he would need that he couldn't buy when he arrived in Egypt and he put on the jeans and shirt he had set aside earlier, walking back to the closet for his boots. They were well worn and visibly so, but they were comfortable and had lasted him faithfully this long. After he was dressed he glanced back at the phone on the nightstand, picking it up and staring at the screen again. He paused, should he let her know he was leaving?
No.
They weren't anything, whatever he was feeling at that moment wasn't anything real. They. Weren't. Real. Rhys closed his eyes and took a breath, pushing down the strange combination of anxiety and ache in his chest down. Putting the phone in the nightstand drawer he closed it and wondered what effect his decision would have, on him or her. Already he missed her, that half-veela beauty that fogged his brain and that fiery personality that only spoke with such veracity. Rhys felt something for Maria but he had to find a way to stop. Grabbing his jacket and pack off the bed he walked into the kitchen where his wand still lay on the counter and he placed it in his usual holster. The Gringotts letter was also there and he grabbed that, walking over to his desk where he scribbled a note on it. Without prompting his owl moved from its perch and accepted the small paper and a treat, "Make sure they get this at the bank." Eris his faithful companion, she nipped at his finger and then flew out the window he had opened.
Most of the wards were already in place as no Curse breaker would leave their home so unprotected and as he started the closed door of his flat Rhys wasn't sure when he would be back. It could take a few days or it could take a few weeks. Rhys had cases that had taken months even, one never knew and it was an adventure either way. Once he arrived at his destination he would send word to his siblings to let them know where he was, a habit so they knew he was safe and alive and well. A last sigh and wand in hand he disappeared with a loud CRACK.
i might stay out longer
than I left the light on for you
