Post by rhys alexander greyback on Nov 10, 2020 1:42:44 GMT -7
never wanted to be here now
one foot in the grave, other on the ground
August 24, 2017
Rhys stared at the ceiling, it was dark, but he found that if you started at it long enough in the dark his blue eyes would adjust. It was quiet and sometime in the middle of the night, all he could hear was himself breathe, his heartbeat in his ears and the consistent ticking of the clock in his room. He did not look at it, he was tempted but he was actively avoiding it. Looking at the clock was an acknowledgement of the inevitable, but so was the rest of the scene in his small room. This room had been his home since he was five years old. Twelve years ago, he had been brought here and twelve years he stayed only leaving to attend school. Other kids had come and went, some were adopted, some ran away and some merely came of age and as legal adults had to make their own way now. Rhys had never succeeded at running away and as a werewolf had he not had the Wolfsbane he would pose a threat to society if he transformed too close to a village. The concept had been explained to him once when he was a bit older and then later when he found out who his biological father was and the connection to his mother he stopped trying to run. The realization had hit him, as if he had been kicked in the chest.
The clock kept ticking and Rhys reminded himself to blink as the ceiling seem to have his full concentration. There was not much light coming through his window as the moon was not even half full and perhaps it had been a small blessing in disguise as the dreaded moonlight would have illuminated his room. It was neat and tidy minus his school trunk and a pack. His wand and green Slytherin scarf were laid neatly on his desk, the surface was clear and void of his usual pots of ink, parchment and textbooks. His owl, Eris, was asleep in her cage hiding under her wing. The trunk was packed, it was a week earlier than he packed. His final and seventh year did not start for another eight days, but this day--it was special. Or at least unique, it was the eve of his seventeenth birthday. Tomorrow he would be of age and he would leave to stay at the Leaky Cauldron until his term started. After that, well he was on his own. Orphanages were for children and he would no longer be one under the law.
A rush of mixed feelings hit Rhys again, the heavy feeling of trepidation in his chest and nervousness of the unknown. And a sense of just, 'What now?' There was his final year left at school and still the question of what happened after that. He had ambitions to possibly try and join the Ministry, perhaps Magical Law Enforcement so he could show he was not the delinquent he was made out to be. It had taken time, a lot of time. The past six years specifically to win some over on the Staff though overall he supposed his Hogwarts experience could have been significantly worse. There had been the next generation of the previous war that he had been acquainted with whether by house affiliation or pure accident and for the most part they did not treat him any different than any other student. It had been a surprise, he had heard how Fenrir had mauled the eldest Weasley during the war and had injured, turned or killed many others. Fenrir, his father had a fascination with turning children especially and that thought always made Rhys sick to his stomach.
He kept his grades up, which was always a challenge but in the way that he liked, there was so much to learn, and he loved to read and absorb knowledge. It was possibly the museum he had visited as a child that had gotten him fascinated with learning so young and had provided a distraction to his life at the time. Rhys had been an introvert if he could remember, always on the shy side and the older boys would pick on him because of his reactive and quick temper. He was always that target though as he grew older, he was able to fight back. How many times had he ended up with a black up or a bloody nose and his shirt torn because he had been set off? But soon those boys had left and then he became one of the older boys. Still, he had never seen himself the bully having been bullied himself and preferred to read though he had some friends that had been here if he had. If Rhys could manage the NEWTs that he wanted it opened a lot of options for him, that is if said careers even wanted him.
But it wasn't all so bleak. And he supposed the tightness in his chest would have been worse if not for the fact that he wasn't alone. Not really. Rhys had close friends. People that understood him at various levels. While he was the closest with Nell, who knew many of his secrets, she could not understand the brutal nature of his life as Sarah did. And then there was Juniper. Involuntarily he grinned. They'd been writing all summer. Adjusting to the lack of her presence had been a little jarring since at school they saw each other all the time. The doubt and hesitation the past Christmas Eve made their appearance from time to time but Rhys could sweep it off to the side, most of the time. His focus had always been surviving Hogwarts. Surviving the taunts and nasty things his classmates said to him. The names they called him as he walked by. If not for his friends and girlfriend he would have been certain the world hated him. Fortunately, he'd been proven wrong.
Rhys could remember most of the seventh years that had achieved their desired results with the NEWTs being accepted into their respective careers save the select few that did not manage it. He remembered the devastation in their eyes, he could sense their pain and Rhys was terrified of that. The idea of having a dream and a goal to do something positive and do something great and have it been yanked from him almost gave him physical pain. He just had to make it work, prove that he could do it so that he would be accepted—he saw it as his only way. Rhys moved his hands from the back of his head pushed himself into a sitting position on the edge of his small bed, but then he scooted back so he could lean against the wall and see the entirety of the room in front of him. This home had always been temporary, he had made it temporary in his mind because the second he called it anything but that then he would have had to accept that nobody wanted him. Yet here he was on the brink of adulthood and he was finally leaving through not the way he had always dreamed and hoped.
The ticking of the clock continued, and Rhys finally looked over at the dimly lit clock in his room 1:03 AM Friday. It had been his birthday for over an hour, and he had not even realized it. He did not particularly feel any different. Legally this meant he could also perform magic without the underage restriction. He glanced over at the desk where his wand lay, and he stood up off the bed hearing the coils creak under his weight. The piece of wood was mostly smooth with more ridges toward the base so he could grip it better and he grasped it firmly in his hand and whispered ”Lumos” The tip of his wand was illuminated and he could see his room better now and he heard Eris shuffle in her cage from the sudden light. ”Nox.” He whispered, and the light was extinguished, he really was seventeen after all. Rhys put the wand back on the desk and sat back on his bed, he wore simple pajama bottoms with a t-shirt and though he felt tired he was not sure if he would be able to sleep.
Not everything was perfect, not that he expected it to be. Frankly, the bar for his own happiness was terribly low at times but he didn't consider anything in his life anywhere near that bar. Due to an unfortunate incident involving a badly brewed potion his girlfriend and best friend hardly acknowledged one another. And Rhys might have gotten in between if he wasn't risking becoming a victim of that scenario. And Rhys understood some of it. For many years there had been little interaction between Rhys and Juniper until they'd been forced to sit next to one another in the Hospital Wing for a lengthy amount of time. And somehow she'd made her place in his life over the next months until he finally acknowledged how he felt. But a wave of anxiety him, as it always did for one reason or another. What would they be doing after graduation? Would they be able to stay together or would they be forced apart by some external force or situation? Rhys hoped not. While his heart had been broken the day he was bitten, he wondered if it could handle anything more than that.
Nell would greet him before they got on the train and Renfri would find him and make some remark about how she would best him in their NEWT classes but then smile because she was happy to see him. And then he could find Juniper who'd likely already been studying the seventh year potions book. And then who knew what would happen after their year was over. He sighed and lied back down on his back, his head hitting the pillow softly and he rolled to his side and ended up staring at the clock. It was just another reminder that he was in his final hours here. Rhys rolled onto his other side so that he was facing the wall, almost praying his incessant thinking would let him sleep at least a few hours tonight. This was not pre-first day of school jitters, it was something else. An apprehension on the future because the plan did not seem clear and it was an unsettling feeling to say the least because he felt insecure and the threat of a denial of his ambitions was looming. He closed his eyes and took another breath, hoping for sleep so he could have the strength when the sun was up to hide his fear and hide his apprehension. Hide it from the world so that he did not appear weak.
Appearing weak or afraid had never helped Rhys and had only made him a target, and neither had showing his temper. That had been the more difficult challenge had faced at his time at school. Whether older students provoked him because of his namesake, or they provoked him because he had his nose in a book or completed his essays on time. The more he had shown his temper the more he had ended up in detention or made himself a further target. Soon most of those students graduated and it had become easier, though there were always other ways of provoking it. Again, he focused on calming his thoughts and telling himself he needed to focus on the morning and get through the next week and just until he was back at school. At least that had always felt like a home and even temporary it had been better than this place.
i can't process what i'm feeling now
this skin i can do without
