lost in your mind | heleen

[rhys alexander greyback]

i know i'm not alone

---

February 21, 2025
@seph

---

Rhys slammed the door behind him as he entered his flat, his jaw was visibly clenched, and his breathing was rapid as he struggled to control it. His normally steely blue eyes were dark, and he normally would have locked the door behind him, but he went straight for his desk where there was a large clear glass bottle of Firewhiskey that was fortunately mostly full. Retrieving his wand from his inside jacket pocket he summoned a clear glass from the kitchen and filled it with whiskey that he immediately drank down. It burned the entire way down, but that burn was always a much more welcome feeling than most of what he felt daily let alone what he was feeling that very moment. It was hard to pinpoint but he'd been back in London for the better part of a month, he was in between jobs and he was helping his younger sister with her Potion's experiment that would hopefully help all werewolves with their full moon experiences. Part of his stay though had been a rendezvous with his ex-girlfriend, and he had sought her out after that hellish experience of that first full moon and the nightmares. But, just as one could predict the location of the stars they predictably got into the same discussion and same argument and again he had left her there pissed off and hurting.

He poured himself more whiskey and walked over to the couch where he set the bottle and now again empty glass on the coffee table and he lied down, rubbing his eyes. Rhys was tired and while he was still angry at least he had stopped clenching his jaw and normalized his breathing, it always ended up like this. Always the fighting, always wanting more when he could not give her what she wanted. It was silent otherwise in his flat and he listened to the clicking of the clock before another thought hit him. That is right, Heleen was supposed to arrive today. Still while his eyes opened wide for a second he didn’t move, they knew each other well enough though constant contact over the years and visits during his work travels that he was just glad he had arrived home to meet her. Still, he did not want to be upset and he sat up on the couch and rubbed his hands over his face again, he wondered if he looked as tired as he felt.

When Rhys was younger he’d been encouraged by a friendly Professor to have a sort of pen-pal, someone to write to that wasn’t from the UK and he’d done it out of reluctance at first and the first few letters had been a bit slow in terms of ’Hi, my name is Rhys….’ And introductions and essentially small talk. But over time the conversations grew, and he found it was helpful and encouraging to talk to someone who did not care about his background but also was a kind soul. Rhys had talked about his mother and what happened, but not in detail and that he was a werewolf himself. He talked about his friends and the girls he had crushes on at fourteen and fifteen and then he had excitedly talked about Deva in his sixth year and his struggles in his final and seventh year summarizing how he was going into Curse Breaking since he wasn’t able to get a Ministry job as he wanted. It probably wasn’t until almost a year into his work when he’d had to opportunity to pass through the Netherlands and finally meet her, she was as kind in person as she was in her letters.

Since then whenever he made his way in that direction he stopped for a visit, but times had changed and she was coming here to London and he’d happily offered her a place to stay until she was able to get on her feet. Standing, he tried to tidy up a bit—at least as much as he could in a bachelor pad. She would sleep in his room while he took the couch, it was not a huge sacrifice as he often found himself falling sleep here when he was up reading late or had a bit too much to drink. It would not be much different than that. When he finished moving things around a bit he stopped and looked around, it looked alright—not too shabby if he said so himself but that was only his opinion. But he finished just in time as he heard a light knock on the door. Rhys grabbed his wand off the desk and slipped it back into his jacket pocket to have it nearby, a force of habit at this point and walked over and opened the door.

[Deleted]

CW: (signs of) emotional abuse

Heleen was nervous, dying on the inside and doubting every choice she'd made up to this moment. She knew it was silly but that didn't stop the thoughts. The idea that she was making a horrible mistake in moving abroad. The idea she'd never fit in. The idea she was going to get hurt here. People would have told her it was a mistake to move in with a guy she supposedly barely knew but she knew Rhys. They'd been writing each other for years. It had helped Heleen feel less out of place in school, if nothing else it was because he didn't fit in all that well either. She'd happily shared her life with him, telling him stories just as she received them. Her letters had gotten more quiet and she'd shared less after she'd gotten in a relationship with her well, supposedly ex? She'd been plannig to leave him for a while but had no idea how to tell him. He was... unstable.

Heleen looked at the relatively small bag she'd packed. She didn't have much on her as she didn't really have the money to move a lot of things abroad. Not to mention she'd been having trouble telling her family what had been happening. She was glad Rhys had offered her a place to stay, especially since she'd gotten used to lying to people in order to keep them from worrying too much. To keep them from questioning things better left unquestioned. Her parents had no idea of the struggles she'd had with her boyfriend. She hadn't really been decent enough to break things off with him before leaving but she didn't want the confrontation. There was nothing he was better at that sowing the many seeds of doubt. The constant reminders she'd never be good enough. How he was supposed to break up with her if she didn't meet his expectations but he supposedly loved her, so he didn't. Not that he ever said it, she was supposed to know it without any words of affirmation.

She sighed, having been able to find the adress, although she was highly concerned that this was a mistake. She didn't want to a bother to Rhys. It wasn't a small thing to ask a person to make space for you to join their household. The apartments here weren't all that big either so she wasn't fully sure if he had a spare room. She hugged herself as she looked at her suitcase. This was supposed to be a new start, but it was so hard not to look back. His promises that she didn't do enough had almost convinced her that nobody would accept her. She was just a bother to everybody she came into contact with. She felt her entire body tense up and forced herself to release the death grip she'd maintained on her own arm. Naturally he'd been jealous of Rhys. The other man had been considered a challenge and the amount of times her future ex had asked her if she was cheating on him with any of her male friends had been impossible to track. He had to have loved her, right? Otherwise he wouldn't have worried about those things?

It took her a while to haul her things up the stairs and even more time to persuade herself to knock. Knowing he expected her over had been far more helpful in actually convincing herself to knock than anything else. It was hard, since her mind was full of ghosts from her past. When the door opened she smiled a little hesitantly. "Uhm.. hi Rhys. Are you still okay with me staying over? I can probably find myself a hotel if you changed your mind." It was out almost before she even realised it. Not that it was true, but she didn't want him to worry if he'd changed his mind. She could probably survive a few night on the street while she tried to get her own place. She at least had a job. Maybe she could find a place to sneak to for the night at work? It seemed worth a shot...

rhys alexander greyback

[rhys alexander greyback]

i know i'm not alone

---

February 21, 2025
@seph

---

Rhys hadn’t asked specifics of her move here, but it had seemed a bit of the blue, at least for him. Their correspondence had died down, so it had been nice to hear from her after some time. Rhys didn’t have very many close friends, a handful from school and a few from work and then Heleen and his family so when one pulled away he did tend to notice rather quickly. She stood in the doorway, though her expression seemed bleak and nervous and she spoke very quickly after saying hello. He furrowed his brow in concern, why would he offer her place and then ask her to not actually stay there. Surely, she knew him better than that by now. He’d explained long ago how he’d grown up alone with nobody to support him for a long time so tried his best to follow up on the things he said he would do. ”Yes, of course.” Rhys still looked concerned at her questions, but his face changed to a half smile regardless.

”It’s good to see you.” After the awful week he’d had it was actually very good to see her. He moved forward to grab her thing and bring them inside, there was no sense standing in the doorway especially with how chilly it had gotten outside. ”Come inside, its cold.” Rhys carried what he could and placed it out of the way and turned back around to see if she had come in. He was sensing something different but he couldn’t put his finger on it, it was a different atmosphere than that previous times he had visited her but it could be also she had just come all this way to a new place and traveling could be exhausting even for magic-folk. ”You can stay as long as you need, I’m home for a while before the bank needs me again.” He spoke matter of factly, though even if he had to leave she was more than welcome to stay considering nobody else was going to be here.

He glanced at the glass and whiskey he’d left on the coffee table; he wouldn’t have minded another one, but he probably shouldn’t drink to pass just yet—it seemed rude. ”You want something to drink, some tea?” The perk of coming back home in between jobs was to see his friends and family, so it was normal to see a friend though it was the first time she had visited him and not vice versa. ”How are you doing?”

[Deleted]

Rhys was kind and familiar and ever so friendly in a world that intimidated Heleen more than it should have. She felt uncertain and more than a little bit scared. Why was the world like this? She was pretty certain despite it all that she was just being a child about it. Surely her ex hadn't actually meant half the things he'd said? Still, doubt was ever eating away at her, even now causing her to doubt herself. Maybe she should have just tried harder to make things work with her. Most of their issues were her fault anyway if she was to believe him. Well, he'd had a few shortcomings too but nothing she couldn't handle. It seems her shortcomings had a far greater impact and she was just demanding too much of him. She just... wasn't good enough for him.

It was a bit of a painful reality but she had to accept it now. If she even dared to crawl back to him she'd never hear the end of it. After everything he'd done for her it was time for her to finally take responsibility and allow him to move forward without having to concern himself with her trivial issues and put that much effort into keeping her content. No, it was better this way. She smiled when he said it was good to see her, although there was still the little voice in the back of her head suggesting he was being polite far more than actually happy to see her. Yet he seemed genuine enough. She stepped over the threshold into his place a little apprehensively. It was so strange that he'd picked up some of her things. She didn't have that much on her so she could have managed it herself. "Thanks, you really didn't have to. I don't have that much with me anyway." She said, apologising for the effort he had given, even though he hadn't really given her much of a choice about accepting his help.

"Thanks. I already managed to get a job at the ministry here so I'll be out of your hair before you know it." She tried sounding positive but she wasn't sure it came across properly. She was just exhausted due to all the stress and really felt like crying, but also unable to actually do so. "I'll try and find a place as soon as possible so I don't get in your way. For now all I need is a place to rest my head and put my toothbrush until I manage to find something small for myself to live in." She was just trying to make sure that he understood that she had no intentions of overstaying her welcome. He'd already been exceptionally generous with his offer, she didn't want to step on his toes by staying longer than needed. Or well, longer than he wanted.

He offered tea and she managed her first genuinely smile, although she still hadn't gotten much further than a few steps into the room and only opened her coat. The idea she was even allowed to be at home here still needed to sink in up to the point she almost felt like she was staying too long. She took off her coat after the offer of tea though, knowing it would be ever so rude not to at least sit down for tea. Though where? She wasn't too sure. What if she'd accidentally take his favourite spot? "Tea would be nice." She said, meaning it fully. Maybe she could figure out something to make sure she wouldn't be a burden on him. Cooking possibly? She wasn't a star at it but she could provide decent enough meals. She knew how to run a household because of her mother but didn't really want to intrude either. Hopefully the subject would come up naturally.

She moved towards the couch, sitting on the side that seemed less used and didn't have the glass and whiskey closest to it. That was probably his spot, right? She looked at him as he asked how she was doing, momentarily doubting whether to tell the truth or just a watered down version that didn't sound so dramatic. "I'm okay." She said, putting on a brave face. It was going to break in no time so she shrugged a bit. "I uhm... I broke up with my boyfriend not too long ago. Things weren't really working out." Now that was probably an understatement but all for the better. She didn't want to bring her drama here. It was part of why she'd left after all.

rhys alexander greyback

[rhys alexander greyback]

i know i'm not alone

---

February 21, 2025
@seph

---

She protested him carrying the bags, but he shook his head, it wasn’t a problem. She was his guest and his friend, and he didn’t mind it. There was something he was picking up from her, but he couldn’t put a description to it yet but then again it had been a good chunk of time since they’d spoken or seen each other, let alone even write as well. He’d received a letter one day and had been pleasantly surprised but there had certainly been a lull in their correspondence. ”Oh, congratulations. What are you going to be working on?” That had been a fast transition, already having a job and not having been in London long but it was a good thing as well. The Ministry had once been somewhere Rhys had dreamed of working but it hadn’t panned out for him and he fell into Curse Breaking because of that but if h had to go back he wouldn’t change anything in the world. Rhys smiled at her, he supposed she was trying to be humble about her new posting.

Again, he furrowed his brows and gave her a look. ”Like I said before, its not trouble.” But he made sure to smile as to reassure her. While he was trained to be observant, being aware of ones surroundings was not quite the same as really observing people so Rhys could only guess at somethings—but he also took into account she had just moved to a whole different country and was about to start a new job while staying in a flat that wasn’t hers. Maybe that’s what was making her a bit nervous. He nodded when she agreed to tea and before he turned to head into the kitchen he spoke again, ”Please, make yourself at home.” If that was one thing that was ingrained in him as a boy in the orphanage it had been manners, though it was mostly for show at times or when families would walk through if they were considering adoption. There were many years he was on his best behavior, but it had been futile really, nobody wanted to adopt a child werewolf.

Rhys walked into the kitchen and grabbed the kettle and tea bags from the cabinet. He pulled out his wand and filled the kettle with water and not too long after it was hot. The perks of magic always found ways to present themselves in their everyday lives. He had a tray for the few times he did have guests though more often than not it was a sibling or two visiting him with the occasional Curse Breaker in town, though in those cases tea quickly turned into whiskey. Rhys waved his wand and the tray set itself on the coffee table with him just a few paces behind it. Heleen had sat down and when the tray was set he moved the bottle and the glass to his desk so it was out of the way and he sat down on the part of the couch that was empty. She didn’t answer him right away and he looked at her curiously, and he was about to ask again until she spoke and then explained. He nodded, looking bit solemn. Rhys’ own luck with relationships was a bit abysmal to say the least and it reminded him of why he’d been drinking earlier in the day. ”Sorry to hear that.” He tried to grin reassuringly, he didn’t know much about the man she had been dating but he figured breakups were never easy so he’d try and be sympathetic.

”Is that why you decided to move?” He was curious and he felt, well at least until they had started talking a lot less, that he could ask questions like this. But she wasn’t obligated to answer him. Again, he paused and then looked at her again, eyes blue as ever, ”Are you doing okay?” Maybe that was what he had sensed and picked up on, she was dealing with this issue so he didn’t mind listening. Rhys tended to fair better listening than listening himself and ever taking his own advice.

[Deleted]

Things slowly felt more normal and Heleen figured she'd get used to it... maybe... at some point. This was never supposed to be that permanent a solution either way. She smiled slightly. "I managed to get a job as unspeakable in the department of mysteries here. My old boss sent a good reference." It helped that she'd had prior experience, even if information exchange between departments of mystery remained highly irregular. Due to the secretive nature she had to have signed a contract providing she wouldn't share knowledge from her previous location with the next one. Considering she knew most departments had a few overlaps (due to her father) she had managed to get into the research and development this time, a thing that made her heart keen to start the new job despite everything in her private life being thoroughly messed up. "So I can't really say much more than that. It's a really great opportunity though. Pretty much my dream job." It always had been, even if her ex had attempted to persuade her that she would never be good enough to do it. It was... complicated, even if it actually wasn't.

It was difficult to make herself at home when she felt so alienated from the world. She felt bad for not having kept in touch with Rhys as much as she knew she should have. She'd been given reason not to but it shouldn't have stopped her. She knew better but she'd allowed him to stop her. It bothered her but it didn't seem to bother Rhys too much. She really owed him a huge debt of gratitude for this. She waited patiently as he was making tea and tried to relax, no matter how hard that was. When Rhys came back and commented with a bit of a too big grin she smiled ever so slightly. "It's probably for the better." She didn't sound fully convinced yet. "He'll be better off without me." She shrugged dismissively, staring out the window a moment. She knew her friends would say the opposite was true, that she was better off without him but she didn't feel it. She'd been made to feel like she was the burden she'd just moved to a different person.

The question really hit the spot though, twice. She looked back at him, her eyes almost alarmed. She bit her lip and looked down at her cup of tea. "Yeah..." She said, barely whispering. "I didn't really want to get in his way but risking walking into him at every corner was too much. I figured a fresh start would be better." She wanted to let everything out, but it felt bad and cruel to speak bad of him when she'd been the one to ruin it for them. His second question broke her though, asking if she was okay. She took a deep breath but shook her head. "I'm not really." She said, her eyes filling up with tears but she couldn't move to seek comfort. She wasn't to impose. She had already been shown far too great a kindness by being allowed to move in with him for a while. "But it'll be fine. I don't want to be a burden to you. It's already so much that you're letting me stay here, I don't want to ruin your day by being a baby about all this." She wiped the tears from her eyes and took a shaky breath, smiling through the emotions. "So tell me about you. Are you still with that girl Deva? I recall things got a bit complicated there last time you we wrote....." It had been her fault that had died down of course, just like she messed everything else up. She was just lucky that he hadn't been so angry that he'd deny her the opportunity to settle in here while she found a new flat.

rhys alexander greyback

[rhys alexander greyback]

i know i'm not alone

---

February 21, 2025
@seph

---

There was something, Heleen seemed a bit more uncomfortable than usual and it was odd because all the times they had spoken and met in person it had never been like that. But he focused on the positive—she’d gotten a new job and rather quickly for having just moved here. ’Pretty much my dream job.’ Rhys knew that feeling, he loved his own career despite it not having been his first choice back in his school days. ”Well I’m glad that worked out, I think its important you like what you do.” He couldn’t imagine being stuck behind a desk where the only exciting thing was going home and he didn’t know why people chose jobs like that, but perhaps it wasn’t always a choice. Rhys had gotten lucky that his second choice worked out so well for him.

The end of relationships were always difficult, Rhys knew that from experience and even when there was no actual relationship it was tough. He thought of Deva again and this latest fight. The same repetitive cycle, they were good friends and managed to keep it as such sometimes. But when the benefits crept back into the picture, which was enough for Rhys, Deva saw it as a sign of some destiny they had. And Rhys had a hard time telling her otherwise because of his own feelings. He looked sympathetic, ”On the contrary. His loss.” It was ironic to be talking about this subject but he wanted to be supportive after all.

The mood shifted as his question seemed unexpected but also to create a reaction, tears welling up in her eyes and Rhys was about to speak when she asked about Deva. The mention of her name, despite her having just been on his mind, still caught him off guard and he paused to gather his own thoughts. ”There’s nothing wrong with a fresh start, and I’m more than happy to help.” First he wanted to acknowledge what she’d disclosed to him. ”Um—well its complicated.” Suddenly tea didn’t seem strong enough for this. ”We weren’t together, despite what she thinks. And I feel like even I’ve made myself clear about it but then we just end up fighting.” Rhys shook his head, letting out a frustrated sigh. ”We actually just fought so she’s not speaking to me, again.”

[Deleted]

Rhys was a reassuring presence to be around, especially in times like this. She was pretty sure he'd be able to help her out if she got in trouble somehow, even though she hoped she'd never have to ask. He was being so kind in helping her out. She smiled a little, glad he understood. She loved her job and was very happy she'd be able to continue her research, albeit elsewhere. The most important thing was that she didn't have to give up her job just because she moved elsewhere. It had been one of the things she'd been most worried about.

Heleen chuckled slightly as Rhys suggested it was his loss rather than her own. The idea was ridiculous. She'd been nothing but a burden he'd now been set free of. Maybe it was difficult to convince anybody around her since they were more likely to side with her due to being her friends but that wasn't really the point. It was over and it was better for him. She'd have to find her way again but she'd be okay in the end, even if that was a little difficult to believe. She'd never really properly considered a future without him in it and it was a daunting idea even now. She just knew the future she'd always dreamt of before meeting him had slowly started to feel like a future she didn't see happening with him. They'd just both be miserable because of her. There was no point to it. "He'll be fine before the week ends, I'm sure." She said, hugging her legs as she started to relax a little bit.

She listened carefully as Rhys shared his story. She nodded along a little, sad things had started to get complicated for him as well and that they'd been fighting again. "I'm sorry. It's kind of silly that she doesn't listen to you properly but I guess some people don't really want to accept reality." She said with a slight shrug. She felt as if that had been her for years. He kept throwing her subtle little reminders she wasn't good enough for him but she had never really listened properly. He just kept her around out of mercy to her, that much was clear. At least now he didn't have to pretend any more. "Though I guess you both care about each other if you keep seeking each other out?" She asked him a little doubtfully. She felt messed up enough not to be sure of anything any longer. "It'll probably be okay, right? If you've fought before you could hopefully be friends again?"

rhys alexander greyback

[rhys alexander greyback]

i know i'm not alone

---

February 21, 2025
@seph

---

Breakups were never easy, not that Rhys really had much experiences with them but the ones that he did all seemed to be with the same person. Did that make it worse or better? He didn’t know, it was generally something to be avoided. So much pain and baggage and the arguing and the words said, it wasn’t worth all that to him or at least nobody had come along that had made it worth it to him to that extent yet. But his fear would never let him reach that point. Since Rhys had never met the guy he couldn’t really judge how he might be handling it though he could tell Heleen was still troubled by it, but she was a sweet girl so he supposed that was natural. It didn’t stop him from feeling sad for her over the situation, it was hard enough to survive that but then also to move to another country not long after.

In his own situation she brought up a good point, they did care about one another and if it wasn’t for that benefits part, they were actually really close friends. But somethings just couldn’t be helped, and it was this repeating cycle. ”She’s one of my closest friends.” He admitted, the first person he’d opened up in a whole different way even if not entirely. Rhys shrugged. He was still annoyed mainly about it but heartbreak was hardly what he felt. There was always a slight pain of something he couldn’t pinpoint but that usually came later when he’d sobered up and calmed down. ”We try to just be friends but…” Rhys shook his head, again sometimes there just wasn’t words. ”Its just easier to be single.” He mused staring at the whiskey bottle in front of him. There was a pause before he got up and walked into the kitchen, asking in a loud voice so she could hear. ”You want some whiskey?”

[Deleted]

Heleen understood what he meant when he said it was easier to be single, or at least from her own perspective. She couldn't disappoint people half as well as she usually did when she wasn't dating them. It was better to be single that way. Still he clearly meant the complications that he and Deva seemed to be having, which made sense to her too. She was pretty sure she'd be unable to manage such a kind of relationship that was just on and off again. She couldn't deal with heart break all that well so when somebody did break up with her that was usually the end of things. This time she'd made the choice, but she was still convinced that it was more for his benefit than her own. She'd only been a bother, but at least he was free of that now. "I'm sure you'll figure it out together at some point." She reassured him. "I mean, you remained friends every time so far so I don't think that has to change. Maybe she just needs to find somebody else so she can get over you." It made sense to her at least. If one of them was clearly unavailable they'd stop doing the crazy dance around each other they had going now and would just be friends, right?

He went off into the kitchen and then asked if Heleen wanted some whiskey. She looked at his empty glass for a moment, hesitating. She didn't have that much of an alcohol tolerance but this seemed like a good bonding opportunity. She had a feeling Rhys was a lot better at holding his liquor than she was. She bit her lip for a moment. "Yes please!" She called back, although she was a little nervous. She had never been much of a drinker and while she trusted Rhys she was a lot more worried that the alcohol might make her annoying. She waited for him to come back, hugging her legs to her body. She was just glad that she had found a place to stay and felt a lot more safe now. It was odd, but being away from her ex felt oddly liberating in a way. Like she didn't have to worry about upsetting him any more.

rhys alexander greyback
Sorry it so late >.>