Pain, pens and promises (Cas)

[Deleted]

March, 2020

Cas,

Recovery is fine, I suppose. The healers have been pushing me to write somebody since I haven't had any visitors so I figured I'd write you. I admit I don't see the point. Everything hurts and I feel more lost and alone than ever before. I appreciate your visit from a while back. It did help a lot, even if I couldn't express it.

Hannah's parents wrote... I tried to write something back, but it was difficult. In the end I just sent them a bunch of pictures. I hope it helped them. All they do is cause me pain anyway. They said they'd stay in touch and are okay with her getting a gravestone here. I guess there wasn't really much to bury to begin with. They tried, the people, to recover as much as possible after a team of cursebreakers secured the room. There's a tiny bit of ash, since we opted for a cremation of ... well whatever remained. None of us really wanted to see it or put it in a box in the ground.

I decided to keep the house. We already paid for it and everything. It's just another room with a closed door to me either way. I can't escape the memories of her or what happened. It's nightmares Cas, every single night. It doesn't matter how strong the sleeping potions are, the nightmares break straight through. I can't even hear the sound of a pen clicking without instantly having the memories flood back. It's horrible, seeing her disappear over and over again, like a song stuck on repeat in my head.

They promised me a new leg tomorrow. Seems they've been manufacturing it for a while. Enchanting and whatnot. It should at least give me back mobility. I think they're going above and beyond because they want to make sure I keep going. It all just feels pointless without her. I'm sure I could get by without the leg, but without her? She was the one helping me get through the loss we suffered. She was helping me grieve Floyd and now she's gone too.

How am I supposed to go on like this?

What for?

Please help me out. I'll take anything at this point. I've never felt this alone.

Ilija

[Casimir Elias Karkaroff]

March 2020

Ilija,

I will admit I walked away from our last conversation with concern at the changes I saw. They are to be expected, of course, as it is impossible to remain unaffected by great tragedies such as this. And your grief is a sign, at least, that your great capacity for emotion has remained untouched. You may curse this now, but you will be glad for it in later years that you were able to mourn Hannah as she deserved. To remain unmoved and coldhearted by the best and worst of life is a harsh fate.

The Healers are correct that now is the time to forge connections and not break them, and I expect you will be dutiful in carrying out their expectations. There are afflictions of the body and the soul – and you, my friend, seem to suffer from both. Your body will heal, I have the highest confidences in St. Mungo’s, but you must take extra precautions to ensure you do not obstruct your own recovery.

So I will be expecting a reply to this letter, and every one that follows. If you stop responding, I will be forced to set aside my work and find you, and I suspect neither of us will be pleased at that.

I am sorry I could not attend Hannah’s funeral, but family business has temporarily detained me. Rest assured she has been in my thoughts. You ask difficult questions – how to cope with the memories? How to forget the trauma? How to continue on?

It regrets me to say that there is no easy way to forget, and in fact I do not recommend trying. Her death has left an absence in your life, a lack of something that you will continue to discover in the years to come. You will never forget that accident, or every little thing that came before it – the feel of her touch, the way her eyes shined – or the way she looked in the moment before you lost her. Those scars will stay with you. Do not try to erase them. Do not try to fill that absence.

It will become part of you, with time. You can never be with her the way you once were, but she still lives in your memories of her. If you learn to find a balance, then she will only truly die with your last breath. But if you allow yourself to be lost in the process, then two people will have died in that cave. It is a difficult task, the most difficult you will attempt, but you must for her sake as well as yours. I knew her well enough to know she would want more for you then the life you are surely contemplating for yourself.

Write soon.
Cas

[Deleted]

April 2020

Cas,

I've been thinking for the longest time what to write. I kept crumbling up all attempts as my resolve seems to falter with them. I miss her. It's all I can think about while stuck in this bed, trying to get my new leg to work. Recovery remains slow going, even at the best of days. The leg that isn't somehow still hurts. They call it phantom pain, but it's real enough to me.

I'm not actually in St. Mungo's. I'm in a local hospital. At first they didn't want to risk moving me, by now I don't want to move. I remember your face when you stopped by. The idea of what my family would look like is destroying me. I sent my father a letter, not too long after the one I sent you. I told him everything but I asked him not to tell my mum and sibling yet. I just told them something had gone terribly wrong. Somehow that still feels like an understatement.

I have nightmares of her every night. It's like she's haunting my dreamworld, trying to survive. I relive that moment time and time again every time I fall asleep. Needless to say I've barely managed to get any sleep at all. When the physical pain doesn't keep me up, the mental pain will. When I finally drift off the nightmares force my eyes wide open. I don't remember any of the good moments right now. All I remember is her face before it disappeared forever, like it's etched into my mind. It's all I see when I close my eyes and in every friendly face that looks even a little like her I see her. It's not so bad here, when most of the locals look nothing like her.

I feel like I'm losing my mind Cas. I've been trying to eat but everything tastes like sand. My mouth runs dry at the thought of food. I'm pretty sure they're considering putting me on a liquid diet. Last time I ate my stomach got so upset I threw everything out again. I'm pretty sure they won't mess up on my dietary restrictions but it feels the same nonetheless. It feels like nothing will ever taste like anything again. Colours are dull.

I've followed your advice in not trying to erase the memories of fill the void she left behind with something else. It's hard when there is such a large and gaping hole in your soul. I told the healers I'd like to focus more time on recovery. I figure that just maybe getting back on my feet again will help. I just feel empty all the time. I'm too exhausted to be sad or feel anything at all. If you have the opportunity I'd love a visit.

They made an exception for her funeral. Hannah's parents flew in and we had a small service in my room here. They stopped by yesterday to bring some of the ashes and get my opinion on the headstone. We picked something beautiful. If you can, I'd like for us to visit it sometime. I'm probably inviting Renfri too, since Hannah was her best friend. Hannah's parents promised that they'd show up. I just don't want to go alone the first time I can see her again. I'm not sure if I'll ever really be ready to say goodbye to her.

I'm sorry it took me as long as it did to write this. I'm doing my best Cas, but every single day seems to be a struggle to survive. I lived towards your letter last time and I suppose I'll do so again, even if it takes so much to reply. It's good to feel like somebody understands at least a little and is looking our for me. Thank you for trying to help, and I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I know you cared about Hannah too.

Ilija

[Casimir Elias Karkaroff]

Late April 2020

Ilija,

There are times when it can be appropriate to share our experiences with others, but sometimes it only serves to magnify that pain when we see it reflected in the faces of those we care for. I would recommend caution, as you have exhibited, in showing your family too much of what happened. As curse-breakers, we are prepared to face the worst of the world – greed, recklessness, and dangers we may not return from.

But most people do not have that strength, and burdening them with what we know to be reality can only cause more pain with no added advantage. There are some secrets too dark and too twisted to ever be allowed to see the light of day, and we must wrestle with them every time they struggle to reach the surface. I have certainly struggled with this difficulty in my own family – there is too much history, too much pain to ever consider fully confronting the past. After years of careful calculation, we have finally reached some sort of synchronization, and I fear bringing old ghosts to life would only create an insurmountable distance between us.

That is not to say that pain cannot be experienced – it must if we ever hope to reach a sort of mental balance, one where the past does not dictate the future. But I advise you to choose your confidants carefully, because words cannot be retracted and knowledge cannot be truly erased.

I cannot tell you that you will ever feel wholly complete again, but what you feel now is not permanent. The desire to eat, the willingness for a deep and dreamless sleep…all these things will return. I know it is foolish to tell you now, for it is impossible to imagine the dawn in the darkest hours of the night. There were days of my own where I wanted to do nothing more than simply fade away. Days, and months, and years. It seemed impossible to believe that I could be anything more than what my experiences made me. That perhaps my fate was irreversibly written by another’s hand. I am not fully convinced that escape from a life chosen for us is possible, but perhaps acknowledging that is the only way to reach acceptance of who we are. It took me many years to learn that those demons that haunt us only lose their power when we choose to embrace them. It is only at that moment that their poison becomes our armor.

Forgive me for those philosophical musings – I only choose to include these conclusions because I earned them at great expense and would prefer to see you suffer less for them. Focus on your recovery. Learn to stand and walk and be again, and things will reveal themselves from a new perspective. One of the cruelest facts of life is that time never stops. It will continue to march on, even if it needs to leave us behind. Eventually these wounds will turn into scars. See that they become something you can live with, or you will also surely fall behind -- and I do not wish to say goodbye to another friend.

Hannah was one of the finest trainees I oversaw, and it was a source of pride for me to see you two begin missions of your own. As soon as I can get away, I will come to visit again. Many people are lucky enough never to need to face their demons. As neither one of us has ever had much luck, the least we can do is ensure the other never walks alone. Included with this letter is a chocolate bar – Hannah never went without, and I will cross-examine your Healers soon to ensure you are not going without either.

Save everyone (especially me) a lot of trouble and eat it.
Cas

[Deleted]

Early May 2020

Cas,

I've decided not to tell my family, except for my father, about everything. I'm not planning to go back often, except perhaps for christmas break. I love them dearly but the memories would hurt too much to be around for longer than a little while. I don't want them to suffer by seeing how much I am. I can't do that to them, even less so with my fathers illness. It's chronic, apparently, but it seems he can live with it fine for now. They're trying to figure out if they can still find something to cure but I admit I don't have the energy to hold out hope.

Memories are starting to come back as I work on walking. It's been going better and the healers are satisfied with my progress on the physical aspect at least. I have a bit of a limp when I walk but they expect that'll stay but grow somewhat less over time. I guess I'll take it. It'll be a while before I can get back to work, that'll probably be somewhere after Christmas but I admit I'm looking forward to it. It'll be nice to be doing something again. Sitting still is starting to drive me mad. Well, more mad than I was already going.

I manage to sleep a little these days. My nights are still full of nightmares but I get the minimum required rest to get about through the day. With a bit of luck I'll recover enough to manage actually keeping focus. I asked the bank for a simulation training for my aptitude at the end so I don't die in the first tomb I step into. While I personally wouldn't mind the relief it feels like a waste of every-bodies time. I'd rather still do something positive while this endures.

I'll ask the healers for some hot chocolate with the bar you provided. Solid food remains a sensitive issue to my stomach. I'll see if I can remember Hannah's recipe for the chocolate milk she used to make me. I hope they have some rice or goat milk around here, though I think that they do. I haven't had any issues with allergies just yet at least. I promise it'll be gone before the week ends in one way or another.

Thank you.
Ili

[Casimir Elias Karkaroff]

Mid-May 2020

Ilija,

Do you remember that one pub in Kazakhstan? I have been searching my mind for the name but it continues to elude me. At any rate, it was one of the seediest places I remember seeing by far – they did not even bother to address the bullet holes from their last encounter with Muggles. I was reminded of the experience when a customer tried to pay me in tenges – Borgin and Burke’s has no use for Kazakhstani currency, but if my memory serves me then we could have used it then. I can certainly count on one hand the number of times I’ve been run out of a bar dodging curses every which way.

I am not one for reminiscing, but I think it would serve you well to take the time and remember that at one time things were good. They can be again, with the right dedication. But do not worry much about the future – despite our wishes, the future will always reach us in the end and so we can expect with some certainty that we will have obtained a new clarity when it does. Remember instead good friends who made you laugh, the adrenaline that came from returning to Gringotts after a long trip, and the endless supply of firewhiskey that followed.

Finding Hannah’s recipe seems like a positive start. I am also satisfied with the reports I received from your Healers. They are, as you said, optimistic in your recovery and write that your prosthetic will be almost as good as the real thing. For one as scarred as you or I, finding ‘almost’ is truly the best that can be hoped for in any such case. It is unreasonable, I think, to hold high expectations that anything will ever seem ‘perfect’ or ‘optimal’ – but, it seems, that at least ‘enough’ is achievable.

It has been some time since I left Gringotts, but I will see if my old mentor will answer my letters. Returning to work is an significant milestone, and as such should not be overly rushed. It is important that you find ways to occupy your time – lest your passion and drive rust and break apart irretrievably – but you must be prudent in how you do so. In other words, do not be pushed or goaded into doing more than you can. You must be as immovable as a mountain in ensuring you do not fall into any bad habits – finding one now will plague you for the rest of your life. So I will write and ensure you are treated, if not gently, than at least with diligence.

Perhaps I will be able to visit in the summer. My mother has become unbearable.
Cas

[Deleted]

Early June, 2020

Cas,

I got approved for the aptitude test with the prosthetic. Things are starting to get better, or at least they seem less bleak and hopeless. I haven't found my joy again, but I suppose that will take time. Maybe one day. The memories are still a source of pain and it brings me only sorrow to think of her. I've tried not to but it proves equally impossible.

I'd love for you to visit some time this summer. I apologise my letter lacks in length this time. As time drags on there is little progress to report. Everything seems unchanging for now. Perhaps in due time that too, will change.

Thank you for bearing with me,

Ilija.

[Casimir Elias Karkaroff]

Early July 2020

Ilija,

I will be coming to visit in two weeks or so – just enough time for you to receive my letter and confirm that your address is still the same. It has been a little over a year since I left Gringotts for Knockturn Alley, and the drudgery continues to drain my patience. I know why I stopped curse-breaking – I keep that knowledge forefront in my mind – but it does nothing to improve my mood or remove the source of my frustration.

Tolerating family can become unbearable, particularly when your lots in life are bound irreversibly by a common thread. I will surely curse one of my siblings if I am not given some space, so checking in on you seems to be the most mutually beneficial arrangement at the moment. As is often said, no news is good news, and so I expect your recovery will have been, although gradual, consistent. You can update me on who has come to see you, and I will relay to you all the news I have received from my former colleagues.

As always, I’ve included another chocolate bar. Dairy-free, of course. It may prove unnecessary at this point, but old habits die hard.

Cas
[End post Cas!]