I've begged not to cry anymore (Fortescue's)

[Deleted]

Ilija had been pacing for the better part of half an hour. His father had begged him to finally share his pain and his past with his siblings. It had been years but Ilija had kept it all from them because he hadn't wanted to worry them at first. Then he hadn't known how to bring it up. Eventually it was just easier not to share. It was part of his daily routine and it had taken his father a scolding and pleading to convince Ilija his old man was right. He had to share if there was any hope for him to have somebody he could go to when the pain consumed him. He couldn't expect anything from his siblings if they didn't know anything. It was too much to ask. So he'd asked them to come to the parlour after it had shut down for the night. He'd brought a pensieve, although he really didn't want to share. He knew it was too much to lay bare, but he wanted them to be able to go dig in his memories if needed. If that was what it took. He'd do anything for them, even die for them.

He wasn't even sure where to start, just what he had to tell. He'd brought a small box, mostly things that he knew they could possibly want to see. A box full of pain and heartache. He'd told them that he was planning to tell them everything he could. He'd begged them to keep an open mind for only this conversation. He wasn't sure how long it would take him to get even a minimal part of the story out. He wasn't sure if he'd break and cry or if he'd completely shut down emotionally and tell the story as a history professor might tell his students. He had no idea, because he'd never shared the story before. Not the full story. He'd told fragments to the healers, but only what they needed to heal him. Never everything that was there to be told.

Eventually he sat down, his hands in his hair as he waited for the door to open. He was intent on the sound, but not sure what he expected when they finally arrived. He hadn't wanted to share, partially because Vas was only just recovering. He didn't want her to decide he wasn't fit to help out because that would truly drive him mad. He had so little left, he couldn't bear to lose more. She couldn't afford to take more on her plate, not after she'd ignored them and had gotten sick. Yet his father had reminded him that things could have been easier if he'd been able to share. His family would have had his back and maybe Vas would actually have dared to ask for help because he hadn't shut them all out.

The idea that shutting out his siblings might have hurt them rather than protected them had eventually broken his resolve and he'd promised his father he'd tell them before the week was through. It had led him to ask them to meet him in a quiet moment. To hear him out on the story that had landed them in this weird bond. To apologise for not sharing sooner, but he hoped they'd understand why it had been so hard on him. He glanced at the memories that were swirling in their little bottle on the table. He didn't want to share it, but he knew he owed them the option, although never without warning. He heard the door and for a moment he tensed, but he forced himself to unwind a little. He took a deep breath and turned, it was time to face the music.

vasilia abigail fortescue felix valentin fortescue

[felix valentin fortescue]

December 2025

Being asked by Ilija, of all people, to come downstairs to the ice cream parlor after it had shut for the night for a conversation was surprising to Felix, but so much had gone on in the past few months that he didn't really question it. If he stopped to overthink anything, it was only going to turn out poorly for him. It had been years since it had been him and Vasilia and Ilija—all of them together, without school or work or anything else—and it wasn't the happy sort of family reunion that it could have been. Their father's health was only worsening, and Vas kept working herself sick on top of that, so half the time it felt to Felix as though he had become the one who was responsible for holding the family together. He understood more and more the pressures that Vas had put on herself, somehow convincing herself that she could run two businesses at once at her age, and he was beginning to understand how much Ilija had been put through the wringer in the life that he had chosen for himself.

From what he could gather, there were some things that Ilija needed to tell them both, though he seemed even more hesitant about that than he usually did. Felix didn't think that there was much that he couldn't take; he'd come out to his family and friends multiple times over; hard conversations were sort of old hat for him. Surely it was something that he could have just told them upstairs in the flat itself?

Felix came downstairs with Vas not far behind him and opened the door to the ice cream parlor, where he saw Ilija seated near what looked to be a Pensieve. "Hey," he greeted Ilija stiffly, although he stayed put and waited for Vas, keeping the door open for her.

vasilia abigail fortescue
@ilija

[vasilia abigail fortescue]

December 2025
@ilija & felix valentin fortescue

Vasilia wasn't sure what to think. Ilija had asked for a "sibling meeting" and promised to talk to them about what he'd been holding back. While they'd have a bit of a heart to heart when he'd first come back, a much needed heart to heart, there hadn't been anything else since. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but yet... she did. Hoping that he'd stop pushing them away and let them help support him. To carry some of this burden he'd been hiding for years.

She went to the Violet Hound early, making sure that all the schedules were set up and would cover her absence tonight. She made sure to get all the prep work done for them, so that they wouldn't have to worry about any of that tonight. She'd helped with the first few hours of work as well, keeping an eye on the clock until it was close to the Ice Cream Parlour's closing. Only then did she leave the bar in the hands of her employees and head out. She got home to the flat she shared with Felix, quickly changing and then following him back down the stairs, pulling her hair up into a ponytail as she walked. Ilija was already waiting in the shop. Felix was several steps in front of her, stopping to hold the door open for her. She offered him a bright smile in thanks.

Ilija looked like a nervous wreck. There was also a pensieve nearby. That was what made her realize that she wasn't just getting her hopes up. He was, in fact, going to talk to them. This was progress for Ilija. She approached the table he was sitting at and took one of the seats across from him, her smile softening. "Hey, Ili."

[Deleted]

There was a very obvious difference between Felix and Vasilia, if one didn't look at the magic or the age difference. It was how they reacted to him. Ilija could notice without any difficulty that Felix was not quite that pleased about his request. Vas seemed in a much better mood, which was comforting in a way. Though he wasn't quite sure what he'd do if she turned out not to be too keen on his story and decided to no longer wish for him in her life. It was a small fear, but nothing he didn't have a solution to. That was the only thing about this entire conversation that would be easy, dealing with whatever aftermath followed. It was strange how the end of the conversation seemed easier to him than beginning. It wasn't like there was a good place to start. He smiled back slightly at Vas, using her smile and warmth to build the will to see this through.

"Thank you both for coming." He said softly, hoping that Felix would actually sit down rather than hover at the door. It was not exactly putting him at ease. He could feel he was tense, partially because it always made his leg a lot more responsive. It reacted to stress and adrenaline well, Ilija was very stressed right now. He did not like the idea of sharing his misery with the world and he still didn't realise why he was trying to do this, apart from because his father had pushed him to do so. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, motioning to the pensieve. "At dad's advice I'm going to do my best to explain what happened and why I've been..... absent." Why he'd changed as much as he had. Not that he was quite in the place of verbally acknowledge that just yet. "I have the memory lined up but I wouldn't advise you to look at it, and definitively not before you heard the story. It's....." He struggled, absently pulling his own hair in frustration. It was taking him so much trouble to even shape words and sentences right now. He shrugged a little helplessly at how bad he was at expressing himself. "It's painful and traumatising."

He sighed deeply and swirled the bottle of memories around for a moment. It flared up orange like firestorm in a bottle before settling down into the usual silvery colour again. "About a month after Hannah and I lost Floyd we took on a job. There was a dangerous tomb and there was an artefact to be retrieved. We were doing pretty well, even considering repainting the baby room in case we wanted to try again." He smiled a little wryly, knowing now that they'd never get the chance. It was bitter but it wouldn't have changed anything. He'd have lost her regardless of them being ready or not to try again at any point. He fidgeted with the bottle in his hands a little, holding the memory that caused so much pain and grief and still not able to let go of it properly. He glanced at the strange substance as it flared up again for a moment, feeling a shiver crawl up his spine.

"When we were in the tomb we found a room. We were looking for traps when Hannah must have found something. We heard a noise and I looked at her. I looked straight in the eye as she....." He faltered, once again, struggling for words as he clenched his free hand into a fist. He felt his nails biting into his palm and he felt the usual trace of moisture clam them up. So many scars. He started again. "As the trap triggered and a massive explosion went off. There was a lot of fire.... I was thrown backwards by the blast..." He had to force himself to keep breathing and to keep his breath steady, even though he couldn't bear to look at his siblings. He kept on looking at the memory, turning it over and over, seeing it flare up and die down again. He wasn't sure how long the silence stretched before he finally managed to open his mouth again. "When I woke up in the hospital Hannah wasn't there, which confirmed my worst nightmares. They listed what was wrong but everything hurt. Broken ribs, burns, a lot of superficial cuts and I'd lost my right leg for the most part." He sighed, since that part was a little easier. "It took very long to recover, mostly mentally, to the point I could function. I told dad, but asked him to keep it to himself. I didn't want you all to worry and I didn't want to face what happened. I could pretend it wasn't final, that she wasn't...." He tried to say it, but his throat closed and he knew it was still rather impossible for him. "That she was gone. It felt a lot less final, like I could keep something despite everything I lost." He shrugged, still not able to look at them. "Her face just before the fire and the explosion is still etched in my mind. I have nightmares where I wake up screaming almost every single night, and I'm not sure how long it'll be before I can manage to give it a place. I've tried, but I'm still about the same as I was after leaving the hospital."

It took him more effort than he imagined possible as he looked up, his eyes briefly going over both their faces before he looked at Vas. She was easier to approach, although mostly because she never seemed so angry as Felix was. "I didn't want to change the image you had of me. I didn't want to be seen as weak or pathetic, but I had no idea how to show that I wasn't. I still don't. I was hoping to figure that out....." Obviously that hadn't worked, but he'd tried for such a long time that he'd almost started to believe it himself. That he could eventually come to recover and tell them without breaking. He wasn't even sure how he'd managed to get the story out, but he was sure it wouldn't take much for him to break down at this point.

felix valentin fortescue vasilia abigail fortescue

[felix valentin fortescue]

December 2025

"Thank you both for coming." Felix immediately didn't like how formal that sounded to him. Ilija was still keeping his distance, though he didn't know if welcoming them in with hugs or something would have been much better. He hesitantly went over and sat down, staying close to Vasilia but keeping his attention on Ilija.

It was their father, Ilija explained, who had gotten him to explain why he had been… Well, Ilija himself used the word "absent", which Felix supposed was true, but there wasn't really a word good enough to explain how he had messed up by not being there. He had the memory lined up, he added, but he advised them not to look at it until they had heard it from him first. Describing it as "painful and traumatizing", it was obvious that Ilija was hurt by it, and Felix had to wonder if they would be watching how he had lost his leg. That was probably a little bit gory, but he wasn't sure what else there could have been there.

"About a month after Hannah and I lost Floyd," Ilija went on, the loss of their son's having been one of the last things he'd really bothered to share with them, "we took on a job." They had gone to a dangerous tomb, he said, but he kept stopping short of actually getting to the point of the story.

When he got back on track, he explained that they had found a room and were looking for traps in it. Hannah must have found something, Ilija said, and he had looked her straight in the eye as the trap went off, triggering a massive explosion. The description alone was horrific, and Felix looked to Vas instead of making eye contact with their brother.

He had woken up in the hospital to the realization that Hannah hadn't made it—and that he had lost his leg. It was a story that Ilija said that he had only told their father, who had sworn to keep it a secret, too. Felix didn't know at whom he was more angry, his eyes burning with tears as he focused on Vas. Ilija would have been better off telling them instead of hiding it. Ilija himself could have died, or their father could have taken it to his grave.

Felix wanted to block out the rest of what Ilija was saying and his description of the nightmares he still faced. It was terrible. He didn't even want to look in the Pensieve to see it for himself.

"I didn't want to change the image you had of me. I didn't want to be seen as weak or pathetic, but I had no idea how to show that I wasn't. I still don't. I was hoping to figure that out…"

"Why the f**k"—Felix cut in, holding back a sob—"didn't you tell us that she's dead?" Hannah virtually had been their sister-in-law, and there Ilija had explained her absence to him as though they had just broken up. "She was a person," he continued, physically shaking with every word, "not just some—some dog that you could… bury in the back garden and tell us she ran off!" Did he think that he and Vas just wouldn't care that she was dead? That she had been dead for all those years? She had been dead… for years… and they were only now hearing of it.

vasilia abigail fortescue
@ilija

[vasilia abigail fortescue]

December 2025
@ilija & felix valentin fortescue

Ilija was speaking very formally... It was unnerving, and almost seemed to hit home just how difficult this must be for him. He must have practiced what he was going to say, so that he could get it out. He kept speaking though, had she didn't respond. Just listened. Noting just how stressed his voice sounded, how much he clearly didn't want to talk about this. And yet, he kept talking. Offering the pensieve if they wanted but giving a warning. That solidified her thoughts. He would tell them what had happened. At least as much as he could. Because he wouldn't have prepared the memories if he wasn't willing to share. Personally, Vas had never used a pensieve before, in part because she couldn't pull her own memories, but also because she hadn't gone to Hogwarts. There'd never been any real opportunity for her to try and use one. So while the idea itself was... intriguing, his warning struck a chord.

With every word he shared, her heat sank more and more. She didn't say anything, because if she did, he might lose the courage to continue. Some of it she'd known. About Floyd. They'd all been told about that. But... But the job. What happened. God, she felt sick to her stomach. He'd lost his baby and his fiance within a month of each other. In a horrible way. His last memories of the woman he'd loved at him literally watching her die.

It took him a long time to get it out, and when he finally looked up she reached a hand out, placing her own gentling on his own. Why hadn't he told them? She hadn't realized that, while he spoke, that a few tears had escaped and were running down her cheeks. Of course, Felix took it all in and recovered much faster then her. So while she'd reached out to their older brother, Felix had immediately spoken up. And his words made her flinch. "Felix!" She was almost surprised by the tone of voice that his name had come out in, she'd never heard herself use that tone before. It hadn't been loud, but there was authority behind it.

As if to ensure Felix's harsh words didn't chase Ilija off, she tightened her grip on Ilija's hand just a little. There were parts of her that didn't blame Ilija for not telling them. Felix would have been twelve when this happened, and she fourteen. She often treated Felix like he wasn't an adult (much to his dismay), and kept things from him because she felt he wasn't ready for it. And Ilija had done the same thing. "Ilija..." she turned her attention back to her older brother now. She'd given Felix a rather scathing look at his harsh words, but her expression softened as she looked at Ilija. "We never would have thought you were weak or pathetic, Ilija." No, he was strong. So strong. For carrying that for so long... Stupid, definitely, but not weak. "You've been carrying this alone ever since.... haven't you..?" It sounded like maybe their dad knew, but it clearly wasn't something he was sharing with everyone or anyone. Years of carrying this tremendous weight on his shoulders.... Her heart ached even more for her brother. That he'd had to carry this alone for so long.

[Deleted]

The reaction Felix gave hurt incredibly, but it also angered Ilija. He instantly felt the guard he's been letting down pull straight back up. He'd been trying to be vulnerable and Felix choose to attack in the least humane way possible. His fist clenched tightly around the bottle with his memories already but he squeezed with all his might to contain the overwhelming emotions and it was too much. He felt the bottle break and the shards dig into his flesh but he ignored it, holding his hand above the pensieve with a seemingly calm nature, allowing the memory the seep into it.

He calmly spoke, but the repressed pain and anger were still in his voice. If it hadn't been for the subtle touch and softspoken wprds of Vasilia he knew he probably would have burst out shouting. In stead his voice was almost eerily calm as he shut everything down again. "You were 12, Vas was 14. You were still in school. How well would you have been able to concentrate on your studies knowing you nephew and sister in law were gone? How well could have have concentrated when you'd seen your brother broken to the point you'd have spent every day fearing your parents would show up and you'd be called into the headmasters office because your brother couldn't bear the pain and decided to kill himself? How well do you actually believe that would have gone when your father was already sick? Maybe his illness would have taken a turn for the worse after losing his grandson, daughter in law and his firstborn? Did you ever consider that sharing before I was ready might have been too much? That it could have killed me? I can't count the amount of times I stood on the threshold of the next tomb and the only reason I knew I had to try to get out was because I couldn't saddle a trainnee with what had happened to me. I had to get out because if I'd stay I'd bury more than just myself if things went wrong. So I came back to the same pain, reliving the worst moment of my life night after night because I didn't want you and Vas to fail school. Because I didn't want dad to bury his child. I stayed alive because I felt I owed my family that much, no matter how much it cost me. So no, I didn't share or tell because sharing one goes hand in hand with the other. When the news arrives that somebody died, can you be sure it was dad knowing I've wished to take his place and gladly would trade my life for his? Can you be sure you'll only attend one funeral that month?" He shook his head in frustration. "I can acknowledge I didn't handle it well and I still don't." He said, motioning to the pensieve that had stained with his blood. "But I was barely nineteen years old. How good was I supposed to be at dealing with trauma?"

It was an honest question, all in all. He was more than aware he should have shared sooner. But he hadn't been able to and to him Felix proved why. Because his experiences never mattered. What he'd been through was inconsequential because his siblings were hurt. What he felt didn't matter because they didn't feel it. They saw and all they cared about was that he didn't open up his soul and laid out the full trauma, even if that would have broken him. He didn't matter save for the role they wanted him to play in their lives. His life didn't matter unless they got to manage every part of it. They hadn't visited, they hadn't stopped by after graduation. If all they had was Christmas that was of vourse on him. No visits in summer, because finding a reason not to come despite having months of freedom didn't matter. No, it was all his fault.

He abruptly retrieved his hand and pushed the pensieve forward. "You wanted to know? See it for yourself." He left it hanging for a moment, ignoring the glass shards sticking out of his palm. Easy to cure with a little bit of magic and just as easy to clean. It was nothing but blood and the pain was barely noticeable compared to the pain in his past. Yet he couldn't deny Vas was trying and showed him mercy so he sighed and plucked a large piece of glass out before reaching out and gently grabbing her hand. "Thank you Vas." He said in a voice barely above a whisper. He then took a deep breath. "I'll come with if either of you wants me to." He conceded, but his voice was tired and the grip his good hand had on Vasilia grew just a little tighter. No matter how often he relieved it, it never got easier. The memory never stopped hurting, but it was the last moment he'd had with her. The last time he'd ever see her face. He turned to Vas again and looked her in the eye, letting go of her hand for just a moment to wipe the tears of her face. "I'm sorry I couldn't share. I wanted to protect you from the pain, from everything. I never realised carrying everything alone would burden you in a different way. Dad didn't tell me that you struggled, and neither did you. Please understand I tried to do what I thought was best." It was a plea more for understanding than forgiveness. He was truly sorry for how his choices had impacted her but he hadn't known how else to handle it. Sharing would have destroyed him, so what else should he have done?

vasilia abigail fortescue and felix valentin fortescue

[felix valentin fortescue]

December 2025

Felix couldn't help his anger, undeterred by the sight of the vial that was crushed in Ilija's hand. So what if he'd been a kid back then? He wasn't anymore, and neither was Vas. Besides, twelve wasn't too young to understand that people died. It would have been far less traumatic to find out about it when it had happened, Felix felt, than to have to find out about it as he was. Hogwarts might not have had as much in the way of supports for its students then, but being unable to concentrate on schoolwork at twelve wasn't actually the worst. He hated, too, that Vas wasn't backing him up.

Ilija asked him, rhetorically, how he would have felt, anticipating that he would get called to the headmaster's office to be told that his older brother had killed himself. He asked him how well he thought that would have gone with their father's having been ill already. Maybe, Ilija said, his illness would have taken a turn for the worse. He kept going on about how traumatized he'd been by it, as though Felix himself wasn't sitting there simultaneously sobbing and enraged. He didn't know what might have happened to their father back then, but it didn't matter to him, not when their father was nearly dead in the present.

"You wanted to know? See it for yourself," Ilija urged him, and Felix drew inward at the sight of his pulling the shard of glass from the palm of his hand.

Remaining where he sat, Felix tried his best to ignore the Pensieve and the blood in it. He didn't need to see anything; he just wished that he would have known, and he tried to calm himself down after his initial outburst to no avail. For all of Ilija's pain and betrayal, he didn't seem to care how it felt for him, on the other side of the coin. Ilija could have come home, at least; he could have gone to St. Mungo's and gotten help from the Healers there. Even if expanding upon how Hannah had died was too terrible for him to bear, he could have at least let them know that she had passed. It could have been by the Killing Curse, for all they would have known, and that one was meant to be painless.

Still shaking, but not quite as much as before, Felix kept sobbing, choking on what felt like every other breath of air as he cried. His cheeks were red and streaked with tears. Floyd had died. Hannah had been dead. Ilija was probably suicidal. Their father could die at any time. If Ilija had just come home before, if he had been honest… They could have helped him. They could have understood, instead of thinking that he was just aloof and had no interest in anything going on in their lives anymore.

Didn't Ilija know how much he had once looked up to him? Didn't he know how much it had hurt him to see him drift away? Did he think that they wouldn't have cared? He could have returned home to where he had support. Maybe it would have been easier to make sense of his own identity, thought Felix, if he'd had his brother there. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much to step into the role of being the "man of the house" for their mother and for Vas when their father's health was so unpredictable.

Maybe he wouldn't have been so distracted at Hogwarts that he had considered dropping out before the start of his seventh year so that he could be of more help instead of feeling so useless. Here Ilija was, talking about how he had only tried to protect him from trauma. Did he not see how much his absence had hurt them? Felix didn't say it out loud, but at least death brought closure instead of wondering for six years what he and Vas had done to deserve the cold shoulder.

Nearly all of his teen years had been spent that way, and he couldn't get those back. Metaphorically speaking, it felt awfully similar to how it must have felt for Ilija to pull that piece of glass from his hand, possibly with a salt shaker spilled straight into the wound. "Y-You could've come back…" Felix hiccuped. Maybe there wouldn't have been an awful lot that he could have done at twelve to help Ilija, but he could have tried. Vas would have tried, too, and their parents also weren't the type to force him to figure it out on his own. They weren't cruel. He had suffered for six years… and for what? They were all just miserable. Felix didn't know what else to say, save for one thing. "P-Please… Ili… don't—don't kill yourself…"

vasilia abigail fortescue
@ilija

[vasilia abigail fortescue]

December 2025
@ilija & felix valentin fortescue

While Ilija had been distant for so long, it didn't surprise her how.... angry he got. Felix's remark was incredibly harsh. Pretty much everyone would have this sort of reaction. It hurt, listening to him respond. Explaining why it was so hard to share. The trauma had.. broken her brother. And he'd never gotten the pieces to fit back together. People reacted to traumas in different ways. Owning a pub was a great example of that. Some people just broke and gave up (something that Ilija seemed to be struggling with). Some tried to drown out the pain in addictions (how she usually saw people handle trauma), some threw themselves into something else to try and distract themselves. None of these ways of coping was healthy though, and all of them needed to learn to cope with their grief in a healthy and productive way. And they had to learn to cope. Otherwise their grief would eventually consume them.

What hurt her the most though, was that her brother had carried this pain alone. Because no one should have to shoulder that sort of pain alone. He pulled his hand from hers, pushing the Pensieve forward, for them if they wanted. But she didn't want to use it. Didn't want to see that traumatic moment of his life. Didn't need to. He'd already told them. She offered the most comforting smile she could as he took her hand again, and squeezed it tight. She squeezed his hand back, as if to reassure him that she was there, supporting him no matter what. She looked at Felix and reached out her free hand to rest on his back, to try and sooth him."Ilija, I think what Felix is trying to say-" she started, speaking softly. "Is that we're all family and we want to be able to help protect you as much as you wanted to protect us." Though it wasn't what Felix had said, it was a more... diplomatic answer. He wanted to protect them, so he kept his secrets. They wanted to protect him, so his secrets bothered them.

Though, she understood exactly where he was coming from. All to well. Especially when he mentioned doing what he thought was best, and not realizing how it would affect her. Because she was doing the same blasted thing to both of them. Ilija hid his traumas... and she hid their parents' burdens. She squeezed his hand tightly. "How about we promise each other - all three of us - to stop trying to be a solo act." She focused on Felix first. "We don't shoulder everything because we think the others can't handle it." Something she and Ilija had been doing, to each other and Felix. Then she looked to Ilija. "And even if we aren't ready to share something, we don't pretend everything is fine." That was also to all of them, though clearly that seemed more geared towards the older two as well. They were the ones that weren't letting their siblings help. "We support each other. So that when any of us is weak, the others are there to help hold them up." It was the optimist in Vasilia that made her say it. It sounded cheesy, and corny, but it seemed the Fortescue kids had been digging themselves into holes because they were too stubborn to just rely on each other. It maybe wouldn't have helped Ilija feel better about Hannah and Floyd's death, but had they known sooner they could have tried to ease his burdens in other area. It was too late to go back in time though. As Ilija had said, they'd all done what they thought was best at the time. They could do better tomorrow, though. "No more carrying our pain alone.

[Deleted]

It was very hard to make Felix realise that coming back wouldn't have done any of them good. He smiled a kind but sad little smile of regret as he shook his head slightly. "No Felix. It would have broken me utterly and completely. I should have told you sooner, and I really wish I'd managed. Every time I told myself that this time things would be different and every time I fell short. I want to make it all up, to both of you." He looked between Felix and Vas for a moment, the honesty in his eyes hopefully speaking for him in the silence that went on for a while. He took a deep breath and looked at them both with a rather serious expression on his face. "Just tell me what you need of me to start making things right. I know it won't be forgiven overnight and if you prefer to stay angry that choice is all yours. I want to fix this, but I'm not sure how. But from now on, no more secrets. I'll answer any questions I refused to answer before. I'll do what I can to fix what I've broken." He wasn't sure what else to add, so he lowered his eyes again, plucking the remaining shards out of his hand with an apathetic expression on his face. There was a lot of pain that went into not feeling something like this in the way he should have.

The part where Felix asked him not to kill himself oddly enough gave Ilija hope that maybe not everything was lost. He sighed deeply and grabbed his wand, healing the wound with a silent incantation. "Felix, despite the many flaws I have I never wanted to hurt any of you. I love you and Vas too much." He wanted to promise that he wouldn't kill himself, but it seemed too large a promise to make right now. "You don't have to worry about losing me." He conceded in the end, although it took some effort. He ran his healed hand through his hair as he looked at his younger siblings. "I can't promise my mental health will get better or that I don't want to die," he started with a burdened tone of voice, "but I can promise I won't give up on this family as long as there is anything left to save or salvage. And this time I'll actually be around to show it." Well, at least four more months. He was due back to work in April but it seemed as though living here could possibly be better than going back. It had been part of his plan and intentions to stay, especially since he'd sold the house, but it wasn't quite that easy to commit to it before now. Maybe it was time to start looking for a place to live.

He nodded as he looked at Vas. "Together." He muttered softly. "This time." He wasn't sure where to get started but it would be good not to have to do this alone any longer. He took a deep breath and looked between the two of them. He wasn't sure how to make a peace offering and he really wanted to see if he could persuade Teddy to prolong their living arrangements more. He felt safe and comfortable with him and since he did have a guest room perhaps it was time to consider actually trying to get back to sleeping in a bad rather than on a sofa. "Perhaps when the time comes we could go hunting for an apartment with all of us? I want it easy to reach for both of you but I'm not sure what I'd be looking for." Maybe a functional kitchen? Not that he could really see himself cooking often but he figured that he could just go eat at the Violet Hound regularly. He had more savings than he imagined using currently and proper healthy food would probably do him good. Maybe he'd manage to start getting his life back in order now that he finally shared it with his siblings, although he was painfully aware that such a thing was nothing but high hopes.

He was glad to finally have confessed, although he felt tired and drained more than ever before. Everything was real now and his mind was catching up to him. He could feel the pain and the exhaustion seeping into his system, but he didn't really have the energy to do much about it. He still owed his sister and brother the answers to any questions they might have, although he wanted nothing more than to rest. Not sleep, since that was hardly any use to him. Simply rest and hope the exhaustion would slowly dissipate from his body. He frowned slightly. "Ask me whatever you want to know, if anything at all. I'm trying, but it's not as easy as I wish it'd be." He never really knew how to act or what to add here. Unless they had questions this was really all he'd asked them to come over for. It drained him, but he wanted to make amends. This was the only place he knew to start.

felix valentin fortescue vasilia abigail fortescue

[felix valentin fortescue]

December 2025

As Ilija spoke to reassure him that he didn't have to worry about his dying, too, Felix nodded occasionally, still not certain if he could string a coherent sentence together after all of his crying. His chest hurt, though that was also probably because of the fact that he'd been sobbing so heavily in a binder. He knew that he needed more time to process what he had been told and what it all meant for him and for his family as a whole, though it made him feel better that Ilija healed his hand. They needed each other—all three of them, actually making an effort to be more honest with one another and open to asking for help.

Ilija also proposed that maybe they could go looking for a place for him to live. Felix knew that Ilija couldn't keep crashing at Teddy's place forever, and he was sure that Ilija had recognized that, too. Beyond that, it was a sign that he really did intend to stay there on a more permanent basis. At that, Felix nodded more firmly. He and Vas could help him with that. If there wasn't anywhere in Diagon Alley itself, then there was always the Muggle side of London.

"Ask me whatever you want to know, if anything at all. I'm trying, but it's not as easy as I wish it'd be."

Felix didn't think that he had anything to ask him. Not right then. "N-No," he answered him quietly. He was sure that he would have questions for him at some point, but he needed to adjust to everything that had been thrown at him. "It's alright… I…" He didn't mean that what had happened was alright, and he almost felt the need to explain himself; it was just that he was alright with not asking any questions of Ilija.

vasilia abigail fortescue
@ilija

[vasilia abigail fortescue]

December 2025
@ilija & felix valentin fortescue

It still hurt. That Ilija hadn't trusted them with something like this for so long. But yet, she was also relieve that he was finally talking about it. That he finally felt like he could share it with them (with their father's persistence of course). No doubt their father knew that his time was sort and he had to get the siblings all on the same page. They've overcame a great many challenges. Together. That was the Fortescue way. Together. They faced things together. And while Ilija had carried this alone for so long, he needed to let them in. So, as Ilija and Felxi spoke, Vasilia shifted. It was a bit tricky with Felix next to her and them being at a booth instead of a table, but she got her legs out from under the table and stood up on the booth bench, stepped over the table, and onto the bench Ilija was sitting on (an act their parents would have been horrified to see). She set one hand on Felix's to maintain that contact, before using reaching with her free hand to Ilija. She lenaed into him, her head against his shoulder, and her free hand wrapped around his shoulders. The way she saw it? He hadn't had nearly enough hugs in recent years. And sometimes the best way to express your feelings was a hug.

"It's okay to be broken, Ilija. Just don't pretend everything is fine when it's not. I don't care if you tell us what's wrong. Just don't shoulder the pain alone. We don't need to know what's wrong to support you. But you need to tell us when something is wrong." No, he didn't have to tell her what was up. Just that something was wrong and he needed them. That all she needed. Don't pretend everything was okay. Because you didn't need the details to support someone. Just needed to know that they needed support.

As Ilija mentioned going flat hunting in the future she couldn't help but laugh a little. Just because of how... well normal that seemed. Normal hadn't been the Fortescue way for quite some time. "What, you don't want to live with us?" she teased lightly. THough the flat above the ice cream parlour was always an option, if he was interested, no doubt he'd want his own space. After living alone for so long. Plus, living with your younger siblings might be a bit annoying at his age.

As Ilija opened up the floor to any questions they might have, she squeezed her hand against Felix's a little, and squeezed Ilija's shoulder. Felix spoke first, confirming that he didn't have anything to ask, and Vasilia shook her own head. Ilija had covered a lot in those few moments he'd made. "Just promise that you'll include us in the future. You don't have to tell us what's going on. Just that, something is going on. Please, promise that you won't try to handle it alone.

[Deleted]

It was an odd kind of relief. He hated that he'd shouldered his siblings with a burden that he knew was incredibly heavy to bear when they already had so much on their plates. He didn't want to make things harder on them. He wanted to make their lives easier, even though that was perhaps impossible. They'd been doomed to live difficult and complicated lives ever since their father had gotten sick. He'd carried the weight of his own trauma alone while Vas had carried most of the responsibilities alone. He wished he'd been around for Felix as the boy had started to come into his own as well, but it was too much to think he could have dealt with that. After everything that had happened it seemed better to rebuild than to try and go back to change things. There wasn't all that much to change currently either way. It was terrible to see how much it seemed to affect Felix despite his harsh words, but Ilija figured there was nothing for it. At least now his brother knew and could start coming to terms with his part of the load.

Vas reminded him that he needed to let them know if he needed help or support. He nodded mutely, although her joke of not wanting to live with them made him smile a wry little smile. "I think that would be a spectacularly bad idea. You don't seem to get enough rest as it is and I have a bad habit of waking up screaming due to nightmares." He shrugged carelessly, as he was used to them by now. He had a pretty bad case of insomnia due to it so he didn't sleep quite as much as he probably should but that also seemed more common in the family than they would have liked. He nodded at Vas as she asked him to promise to share more. "I promise." He said in a soft voice, at long last feeling as if he was actually at home in the shop again, despite the gaping black hole in his soul where Hannah had once been. For just a moment he allowed himself to dream of coming here with her and a stroller for Floyd, all of them laughing happily because time had been kind on them. Surely Floyd would have been trying as many flavours of ice cream as his little stomach would have been able to handle, with both himself and Hannah laughing over the antics of their little son. It was an idle fantasy, very soon lost to reality but those glimpses of what life might have been like were always equal parts soothing and painful. At least this time it wasn't as painful as it had been before.

felix valentin fortescue
vasilia abigail fortescue

[felix valentin fortescue]

December 2025

Vas got up onto the booth and physically stepped across to the other booth where Ilija was seated. Aside from the fact that their father definitely would have killed her if he'd been there to see her do that, Felix knew that she could have just as well asked him to move over so that she could get out and move around the side to get to Ilija that way.

She comforted Ilija, hugging him and reminding him that he needed, at the very least, to tell them when something was wrong and that he needed help instead of trying to get through it on his own. Though she teased Ilija about not wanting to live with them, Ilija was more frank in his response, saying that he felt that it was a bad idea because of the fact that he would be waking up screaming due to his nightmares.

Felix, for his part, couldn't understand why anyone would want to live like that, though he at least told Vas that he promised that he would be more open with them from that point forward. It was still difficult for Felix to listen to his older brother's candor about his trauma, especially when he thought about what a happy person Ilija had once been. He knew that he and Vas and even their parents weren't the only ones capable of helping him. As bad as things were, he thought, at least Ilija was back in London, where he had plenty of resources available to him.

Gradually, Felix looked over to his siblings and focused on Ilija. "Have—Have you… er… Have you found Healers at St. Mungo's yet?" he wondered. He knew how badly all three of them tried to avoid the hospital because of how much time their father had spent there, but there were even psychiatric Healers there. They could make sure that Ilija had the potions and whatever other treatments he needed so that he would be able to live life without as much terror as he had been facing. "Or… we could go together," he offered, "like some sort of group therapy?" It probably wasn't a bad idea for all three of them, though, Felix considered. They all had multiple things that they needed to work through; it wasn't just Ilija.

vasilia abigail fortescue
@ilija