We Are Not Who We Are [Royal/Nikolaj]

[Deleted]

Addie hadn't visited her father's grave in months, since before her seventh year, if she remembered correctly. Shortly after his death, she had visited every day, hoping that being close enough would somehow bring him back to life. Death scared her, and she had been close enough to it herself. Now it seemed like it was surrounding her, an enveloping suffocation of misery.

She was making progress, it seemed. She had thrown away her entire supply of calming draughts, and the withdrawals hadn't lasted long. Whether is was by her own willpower or the fact that the potions had only really served as a placebo, she wasn't sure. She supposed it didn't really matter. There were days when she longed for their sweet release, but, in the long run, they would only make things worse. One couldn't become stronger if their strength was diluted.

The October sun was high in the noontime sky that day, but Addie still felt cold as she stared at the silver marble. Kingsley Shacklebolt was etched delicately into the stone, the only lasting memory of the former Minister of Magic. Sure, there were the memories of his wife and children, particularly Addie, who had been very close to her father, but they would fade, layered over by other memories and the onslaught of time.

"I miss you, daddy," she said quietly, not bothering in her usual way to make sure that no one was around. For once, she didn't care. Whether people were there or not, she was alone with her father. Her voice was a whisper and thick with tears, almost incoherent with her sorrow. She sat there for what felt like hours talking to the tombstone, catching her father up on everything that had happened, the new potions techniquest she had learned, how his other children were faring, what Addie planned on having for dinner that night. She paused as she tried to describe the kidnappings and her subsequent meeting with Nikolaj. She still wasn't sure how she felt about it, but it at least made for conversation.

She sat there in silence a little longer, wishing now, more than her ever, that her father could be there with her.

[Deleted]

The graveyard still scared Royal. It scared him, mostly because it just kept growing, and growing, and growing. He had only been there once since his father had died, with Jonah, but Royal felt like this was something that he had to do alone. He needed to go alone, if only to prove that he could. Standing at the edge of the graveyard, though, Royal couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. He carefully withdrew his wand from the pocket of his robes, gripping it in his fist as if it was the only thing keeping him tethered to the world. Royal had gone through a bad bout of depression and self-loathing after his father’s death, had pushed everyone away, and in the six months between that fateful day and when he had happened upon his old friends in a pub, Royal had been set adrift. He needed a tether to make sure that it wouldn’t happen again.

Royal did what he always did when he felt like he couldn’t be alone; he cast his Patronus. The scene was playing out to be eerily similar to the one that had occurred before he and Jonah had entered the graveyard. The echo of his father’s laugh in his ears, being swung onto his father’s broad shoulders, high above the ground, was enough of a happy memory that the ghost of a lynx appeared. Royal tried to pour more magic into it, but he couldn’t seem to find anything else happy enough. His Patronus was corporeal, but barely; wisps of silver were thrown from its body like firecrackers sparking in the night. The lynx stepped in front of Royal, and then, after a moment’s pause, took off. Royal knew where it was going – the same place it had gone before. He followed behind with slower, slightly tentative steps, until he had approached the headstone. There was someone else there, though. One of his sisters. Addie, by the looks of her, since she wasn’t unhealthily thin. Royal halted, a few feet away, while the lynx still plowed forward. Royal didn’t speak, didn’t move, as his Patronus settled itself just inches away from his sister, huddled between her and the headstone.

@adelaide

[Deleted]

@adelaide & @royal

nik didn't often frequent cemeteries. but when he had business near one and had been walking past and spotted the familiar dark haired intriguing addie, he hadn't been able to resist watching her for a few moments. she had got into his head and under his skin and he hadn't been able to shake the random thoughts of her that had kept showing up in his head. he wasn't used to not being able to control how he felt about someone, the only people he really knew he cared about without meaning to was his sisters and even he could admit he had a warped way of showing it. after a little while he made his way through one of the gates that led into the cemetery and down one of the paths that led to where she was sitting. apparently he wasn't the only one. he saw the patronus before he saw the man and while he raised an eyebrow he didn't stop. she was sitting by a stone, from where he was he could see it was her fathers. he'd never met the man but he'd heard plenty. he also hadn't been involved in his death. he walked right up to her without a word, in front of who he could now see was her brother royal, while he wasn't sure they'd ever spoken they had gone to school at the same time, just. it was perfect, he was the reason he had been trying to get close to addie so this wouldn't have worked out better. he sat on the grass next to addie and looked at her after giving the lynx another glance, resting his elbow on his knee and his face on his hand, head tilted. "we've got to stop meeting like this adelaide" he said, his voice softer than he ever thought was possible. "is there any point in asking if you're alright?" he hadn't lost anyone that he had loved, though he doubted that it would make much difference to him either way but he asked the question. it was what most people asked in these situations wasn't it? besides, he had to make it look like he cared .. which deep down he wondered if he was really starting to. no, he had to focus on his goal not start to think about the girl in his plan as anything more than a pawn he needed to trick.

[Deleted]

Addie looked away from the headstone to the silvery lynx before her. A small smile appeared on her lips, and she realized Royal must be nearby. She looked around and, sure enough, he was some distance behind her and to her right. She reached out to pet the patronus, somewhat surprised when her hand slipped right through it. She chuckled to herself and looked up as whom she assume dwas Royal sat down beside her.

The smile melted off her face instantly. She looked wildly around; Royal was still standing nearby, but now Nikolaj was sitting beside her. She thought back to their last meeting at the train station. She had walked away unharmed and the result had been confusingly pleasant. She still didn't understand it, or him. But now he was sitting beside her, again with that bewildering friendliness, asking if she was alright. She looked from him to the lynx to her father's headstone. "I don't know," she said truthfully. There was no hostility in her voice this time. She didn't like it, but she was comfortable around Nikolaj now, so long as he didn't make any sudden moves. That freaked her out, regardless of the person.

Rising to her feet and looking back over her shoulder, she waved Royal over. She looked back down at the lynx at her feet. She thought of the wand in the pocket of her robes. She hadn't been able to conjure her own patronus since the kidnapping, even in a wispy form and wondered if she ever would be able to again. She closed her eyes and shook the thought away. She was not going to get overly emotional around two grown men.

@royal
@nikolaj

[Deleted]

Royal didn’t know where Nikolaj Lestrange had come from, but he didn’t like the familiarity with which the other man spoke to his sister. Everyone knew that the Lestranges were bad news, and the fact that Addie seemed to know him…then again, when had danger ever stopped any of the Shacklebolts? When had they ever made good decisions about the company that they decided to keep? Royal was the only one of them who seemed to stay away from the wrong sort of folk, and the irony of the fact that he, the Slytherin child, was making the best choice of company was not lost on Royal. According to the laws of probability, he ought to have been the one that tangled with the children and grandchildren of ex-Death Eaters (well, supposed ex-Death Eaters, since some of them couldn’t be proven to be involved), but his sisters seemed to be determined to beat the odds.

Adelaide stood up and waved Royal over, and he sighed. He hated being beckoned anywhere, but he especially hated being beckoned into conversations he didn’t want to have. He walked over anyways, if only to ensure that his sister wasn’t going to be left alone with the Lestrange. “Awful day, isn’t it?” He asked conversationally as he ambled over to the pair, affecting a nonchalance that he definitely didn’t feel and speaking about how horrible a day it was with the same casualness that most people used to comment on how nice it was. Royal released the white-knuckle grip he had had on his wand, and the lynx faded away. “I always love approaching people I don’t know in cemeteries when they’re trying to process their father’s sudden death, don’t you?” He had put Nikolaj in a neat bind: either the other man would have to admit that he knew Adelaide (which Royal already expected), or he had to admit that he was emotionally tone-deaf. Either would work for Royal’s purposes.

@adelaide
@nikolaj

[Deleted]

@adelaide & @royal

"I don't know," nik felt something odd twist inside him when she said she wasn't okay. he didn't know how to handle that feeling, it was foreign to him. he was worried about her? whether she was okay or not. that was a new feeling. he didn't know what it was about her that could make him feel things he never had before. there was nothing special about her. well apart from her alluring scent .. the way her eyes would draw .. well that wasn't working. she wasn't special at a glance but when he thought about it, he didn't like the fact she was. he made to stand up when she did, glancing back when she beckoned royal over. well this would be fun, he couldn't imagine the eldest child of kingsley shacklebolt being happy his little sister was fraternizing with someone like him. he almost rubbed his hands together but he settled for folding them over his chest as he stood next to addie, his gaze on royal as he ambled over to them. “Awful day, isn’t it?” nik raised a brow lightly as royal seemed to sound conversational with a touch of not. it didn't matter to nik how he acted really, it didn't matter if he didn't say anything either, so long as he saw that nik was close enough to addie that was enough. "one of the worst" he said in response though as he turned his glance onto addie for a second before he turned his gaze on royal when he spoke again. “I always love approaching people I don’t know in cemeteries when they’re trying to process their father’s sudden death, don’t you?” nik almost laughed at that. but he held back from it, not because he didn't want to but for some reason the thought of what addie would think about it lingered in the back of his mind. he acted without thinking, moving slowly he closed the small gap between him and her and he moved to put his arm around her waist. he was as gentle as he had ever been, his hand curling around the slimness of her middle as he rested his arm there, a half hug of sorts. "does it look like we don't know each other?" he said as he tilted his head slightly and he looked at addie. "we know each other" he said with a small quirk of the side of his mouth, turning half of it into a smile as he looked back at royal. "i'm here to see if she's okay" he said, honestly. he did want to make sure she was okay, he wanted to get rid of that twisting feeling in his gut at the knowledge that she wasn't.

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There was a tension in the air that Addie didn't care for. It didn't even take Royal's lynx disappearing in a thin wisp of silver for her to realize that he was not happy about Nikolaj's presence. If she was completely honest with herself, she wasn't sure how she felt about his presence. He had been kind, for lack of a better word, thus far, but there was an aura about him that still made Addie unsure. Not afraid, as she once had been, but confused and uncertain.

The conversational tones of both of the men felt wrong, and Royal's quip about Nikolaj being in the cemetery made Addie frown. He wasn't doing anything wrong. He was just -

Suddenly, she felt Nikolaj's arm snake around her waist, and she froze. She turned her head to stare at him in shock. But she didn't pull away. Damn her, she leaned into his awkward side-hug. "We know each other," she repeated sheepishly, avoiding Royal's gaze. She couldn't bare to see any of the emotions that could possibly be etched on his face, especially the disappointment that was likely prominent. The way Nik - was she really starting in on the pet names? - held her suggested that there was something more to their relationship than platonic knowingness. The thought baffled her. Not long ago, she wanted to obliterate Nikolaj where he stood. But being held by him felt...nice. She felt safe.

Merlin's beard, what was she getting herself into?

She finally looked up at Royal, bracing herself for whatever she would find in his expression. "Nik is a friend," she said quietly. She turned her head to look back at her father's grave. Her father would be ashamed of the stand off in front of his grave. This wasn't what Addie wanted. But what did she want?

@royal
@nikolaj

[Deleted]

Royal was not pleased with this situation, not one bit. It only confirmed his worst suspicions: that his sister was familiar with the Lestrange man. It wasn’t bad enough for Abby to be pining over someone who had been a part of the attack on Hogwarts, no, Addie just had to go becoming friends with someone whose family wasn’t just known for being Death Eaters, but also known for being some of the worst Death Eaters the world had to offer. Had she not heard the stories about Bellatrix Lestrange? She was credited for at least a hundred kills, if Royal wasn’t mistaken, and she was related to Nikolaj! Not to mention the fact that they seemed extremely familiar with each other. Was Addie’s depression and despondence all just an act then? Was she pretending not to be interested in talking to her family just so she could run off with some boy somewhere? The thought brought Royal’s blood to a boil. “Have fun with your friend then, Addie.” Royal ground out. This wasn’t the place to fight. He wasn’t going to drag himself down to Nikolaj’s level. “I just remembered I have someplace to be.” Lie. But Royal would rather be a liar than someone who was angry enough to punch someone else at his father’s graveside. “Tell Mum I won’t be home tonight.” Maybe he’d crash with Jonah. In any case, Royal wasn’t going to be spending a night under the same roof as his sisters. He was frustrated with them, both of them. How come they were allowed to ruin their lives, but heaven forbid that Royal be angry about being the one to have to pick up the pieces?! He was the one who had dragged Abby to their house after she forgot the last month of her life, he was the one who had to pretend that he didn’t hate Theo, because that was what big brothers were supposed to do when their little sisters’ hearts were broken! Not any more, though. He wasn’t going to watch Addie self-destruct, because he didn’t have enough energy to pick up the pieces. Royal Apparated away from the cemetery with an angry crack, still fuming.

@adelaide

[Deleted]

@adelaide  

“Have fun with your friend then, Addie.” it had taken everything nik had not to laugh at the way royal had changed quickly. it appeared him being here with addie had gotten under her brother's skin and he seemed to do what a child would do, stamp his foot when something didn't go his way. nik kept his arm around addie's waist and watched royal with a slight smirk. well at least part of his plan was working, he had seemed to have shaken royal up a little. “I just remembered I have someplace to be.” he shook his head slightly. "that's such a shame" he spoke, though he knew it wouldn't come out sounding sincere. he did feel a stab of annoyance at addie's brother. that he would leave his sister when she was clearly upset about their father, all because he didn't like the company she was keeping. even by nik standards that was lowly. “Tell Mum I won’t be home tonight.” he watched as royal left the cemetary with a crack and he looked down at addie and shook his head slightly. "does your brother always turn childish when things don't go his way?" he has to ask. he was curious if that's the sort of brother he was. he looked back at the gravestone and then to addie's face again as he let his arm fall from her waist and he touched her arm lightly. "do you want to stay for a while longer?"

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At Royal's angry response, Addie grimaced. She knew Royal wouldn't be happy, especially after the fiasco with Abby. She had planned to tell him about Nik, but not this soon and not in this way. She cowered under his anger, averting her eyes and sinking deeper into Nik's arm, which probably didn't help matters. She wanted to say something to smooth the situation over, but no words came out. When he disapparated, Addie reached out her arms to the place where he once stood. "Royal!" she cried out, as if it would make him come back. But she was only met with empty silence. She could still feel his anger lingering in the air.

At Nik's quip about Royal being childish, Addie looked up at him, a frown on her face. "Don't," she said miserably, removing herself from his grasp. She sat back down on the ground, her forehead resting against her father's headstone. "He just...he's having a hard time. Abby and I...we haven't been very good sisters. He's just stressed out." And Addie was only making things worse. It was bad enough that her sister had fallen for Theo, whom Addie had always despised for his cocky self-centeredness. It had taken forever to get Abby out of her funk, and now Addie was taking her place. She didn't blame Royal for being upset.

"I'd like to stay here a little longer," she said softly, not lifting her head. She sighed, reading her father's name on the marble over and over again. What was she supposed to do? She hated to admit it, but she liked Nik. And having his arm around felt right. But was it worth having her brother be so angry with her? "I wish you were still here, Daddy. I need you," she said quietly, only half-caring that Nikolaj was still there. She was caught between a rock and another rock, and she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. Now she understood how Abby must feel whenever she regarded Theo with such disdain. For the first time since she and Abby had been sorted into separate houses, she felt completely and utterly alone.

@nikolaj

[Deleted]

@adelaide

"Don't," he frowned and let her go from his grasp as she moved away from him. his arms felt empty without her in them and he cursed himself for the fact he was letting himself feel something like that. he shouldn't care that she had left his side and he wasn't able to hold her anymore. he shouldn't let himself care about that. "He just...he's having a hard time. Abby and I...we haven't been very good sisters. He's just stressed out." he watched as she leaned her head against the tombstone of her father and he sighed softly and moved to kneel on the grass next to her. "being stressed isn't an excuse for lashing out at someone." he said, wondering where the hell that had come from. he'd meant it too. he almost looked around to see if he was watching himself from somewhere else in the cemetery. something was really off in his brain at the moment and it wasn't like he could just figure out what it was.

"I'd like to stay here a little longer," he nodded slightly and he moved to sit down next to her as she knelt before her father's stone still. he reached out without thinking and rested his hand on her back lightly, his touch gentle as his hand moved back and forth across her lower back lightly, as if letting her know that she was there for him. "I wish you were still here, Daddy. I need you," he frowned a little and tilted his head slightly at the use of the word 'daddy'. he'd never really heard it used before. certainly not in his family and not in the circles his parents lived in either. no one would dare call their father 'daddy' in the world he had grown up in. maybe there in itself lied the problem. he shifted slightly and ran his hand through his hair, cursing himself inwardly for caring that she was hurting. "you know .. i haven't got any experience with .. grieving" he said softly as he looked at her. "but would he want you sitting here missing him, when you could be out living?" he hoped this would help. oddly enough he wanted it too. what was it about this girl.

[Deleted]

Addie chose to ignore Nik's comment about her brother. He didn't understand. Their family had been through so much in such a short time, and Royal had been left to put everything back together. Sure, it was of his own volition, but who else was supposed to save Abby and Addie from their free-fall into insanity? Royal had been there for her. She felt a prickle of guilt that she couldn't be there for him.

"When I was kidnapped," she said softly, staring at the ground, her fists clenching as she recalled the event, "Royal was there. I went through...horrible things. Things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy." Addie cleared her throat roughly and shook her head. "Royal never asked any questions. He didn't pry. He was just there. He had his own problems, but he was there for me. I don't blame him for being angry."

Addie drew her head away from her father's tombstone and regarded Nik thoughtfully. "But would he want you sitting here missing him, when you could be out living?" She scratched her head, mulling over those words. When was the last time she tried living for herself? So often had she hidden behind Abby and Royal, subsisting off of their bravery and ambition. She had always shuffled along in the background, providing the brains and insight to their shenanigans, but, after the death of their father, she had withdrawn on herself, become even more of a shell after the kidnappings. She was slowly filling out again, but - "I don't know how to live," she admitted. Her expression turned helpless and fearful and she leaned into Nik's side, unconsciously rubbing her forehead against his neck. "I can't do this alone."

@nikolaj

[Deleted]

@adelaide

"When I was kidnapped, Royal was there. I went through...horrible things. Things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Royal never asked any questions. He didn't pry. He was just there. He had his own problems, but he was there for me. I don't blame him for being angry." he raised a brow and shook his head a little. well he couldn't believe her eyes weren't open to it. he had met the guy for three minutes of his life and already he didn't like royal. though that wasn't entirely like him. "sounds like he's trying to make a martyr of himself from things you've been through .." he said casually as he leaned back on his hand as he sat next to her.

"I don't know how to live," he couldn't help but chuckle softly at that and he turned his head toward her as she rested it against his neck and rubbed herself against it. he couldn't deny the rush of feelings that sent through him. it was warm? no .. yes warm. that's the only way to describe it. he had given up on fighting them though, clearly they weren't going to go away anytime soon no matter what he did about it .. and when that smell hit him .. he was gone. "you are living addie. you're breathing right? congratulations. you're living" he shifted his arm to wrap it around her waist lightly and he hugged her against his chest, shifting to add a little added pressure to shift her onto his lap so he could wrap his other arm around her middle. "I can't do this alone." he leaned his chin on her shoulder softly, carefully and he made to brush his nose against the nape of her neck, thinking he could give this affection thing a try. even if only to mess with her brother a little more .. but he found himself enjoying it. "you're not alone."