i didn't pay attention to the light in the dark [roxy]

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Georgie had finally spoken to Max in the hospital wing, and in doing so, broken her vow of silence. Now that she could talk, that was the only thing that she wanted to do. She felt like she was going to drown if she didn't get the weight of her words off her chest, but Georgie didn't know who she wanted to talk to. She didn't particularly want the sympathetic ear of a Hufflepuff - she wanted someone who would make her actually look at why she was feeling what she was feeling, instead of just accepting that that was what she felt. Georgie had decided to go wandering the grounds, looking for a place where not-Hufflepuffs congregated. The only place she could think of was the Quidditch pitch, so Georgie meandered towards it, looking around for anyone who looked like they were willing to have a conversation.

@roxanne

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Roxy was sick and tired of being a mess, so she’d packed her favourite shower things and a nice outfit before she’d gone down to practice. She’d taken her time with her post-Quidditch shower, done her makeup, spent time drying her hair and smoothing each curl the way she wanted them. Everyone else was long gone when she appeared from the dressing room, Quidditch bag slung over her shoulder, and started to head toward the castle.

She was about halfway across the pitch when she spotted Georgie meandering her way. She didn’t know the Hufflepuff girl well, but they shared a couple of clubs, so she felt totally comfortable calling out, “Hey Georgie! Looking for someone particular?”

@georgiana

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Georgie’s strategy had worked; the very first person she ran into on the grounds was not a Hufflepuff, but rather a Gryffindor, and one related to Louis. Georgie didn’t know why, but that last point made her feel slightly less awkward about talking to Roxy. They ran in the same circles when it came to clubs, but the age and house difference made it difficult for Georgie to consider Roxy anything more than an acquaintance. “No, no one in particular.” Georgie answered, meandering closer to the other girl. “You know when you’re feeling something, and you don’t know how to describe it, but you still want to talk to someone about it anyways?” Georgie paused for an answer, even though she had intended for the question to be rhetorical. “I guess that’s kind of how I’m feeling right now.” She left the end intentionally open; if Roxy was busy or had to go, she could find a way to let Georgie down gently, and if not, maybe they could talk a while.

@roxanne

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So Georgie wasn’t looking for anyone, just to talk. Roxy had already decreed this afternoon a homework-free zone, so she didn’t hesitate. “I do know that feeling, and it’s a tricky thing. Simple solution though - we can go sit and you can tell me about it.” She gestured to the empty stands, and hoped the other girl would take her up on the offer. Georgie looked - well, she looked like the way Roxy had felt, unmoored and full of a tangle of emotions and thoughts. Roxy had done what she needed to to get herself back in order; she could help her cousin’s friend do the same.

@georgiana

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Georgie was surprised with how willing Roxy was to sit down and talk. It wasn’t like she had done anything particularly nice for the other girl to be worthy of her concern and attention, but the Hufflepuff did appreciate that the Gryffindor was so eager to talk. Georgie followed Roxy into the Quidditch stands, curling herself into a ball in one of the seats before she glanced over at Roxy, slightly nervous. “My best friend tried to kill herself.” Georgie said with little preface. She didn’t know how one could preface that. “And at the time, we weren’t best friends, but now we are again, and I don’t really know where I fit into this whole thing. Because I know it was partly my fault, but now that we’re friends again, it’s not like she can say that it's my fault because she wants to keep us together…” That was the basic scheme of the conundrum.

@roxanne

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Georgie came and sat in the stands with her, and started with a bombshell. She couldn't help it - she gasped, but she didn't say anything, just let Georgie continue.

And Georgie's explanation of how it was all making her feel was complicated, but she was pretty sure she followed it. And there was one thing that stood out. “That must be a horrible feeling, and not being best friends then can only have made it worse for both of you. But you're being too hard on yourself about it being your fault.”

@georgiana

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Georgie’s stomach dropped a little when Roxy gasped at the Hufflepuff’s first statement. Maybe she had made a mistake in just picking the first person she saw to talk to. Georgie chewed her lip nervously when Roxy spoke, talking about how it wasn’t Georgie’s fault. The Hufflepuff sighed. Logically, she knew that it wasn’t entirely her fault – it was Max’s choice to make, and in the end, maybe nothing she said would have stopped it – but she did have some of the blame. She had to. “People don’t try to commit suicide because they’re pleased with their life and have happy, healthy relationships.” Georgie said bluntly. “She was lonely, and she needed a friend, and I wasn’t there.” Georgie wished she had at least been there to try to convince Max not to kill herself. Even knowing she had tried to talk her friend off the ledge would have made her feel a little better. Theodosia had been the one to find Max, though, and she wasn’t even a good person! The thought just made Georgie feel worse.

@roxanne

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“You're right. People try to commit suicide for all kinds of reasons, and rarely one. But unless you're her only friend, or family member, one relationship probably isn't the cause. I'm sure she would have really appreciated having you by her side to deal with all of it, and I know you wish you had been there, but you can't change that. I'm pretty sure that's bad enough without blaming yourself.” Roxy was trying to put herself in Georgie's shoes, but she was well aware of how much regret and guilt followed some of her older relatives - she knew that it could eat you alive if you let it. She didn't want that for Georgie. She didn't want that for anyone.

She paused and thought whether she'd said anything accidentally awful. “Family member that you get along with, at least,” she clarified. The Weasley family was far from idyllic, but there were so many of them that it took a lot to not have any of them on your side, but she knew that most people weren't that lucky.

@georgiana

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Georgie decided not to comment when Roxy said that it was only her fault if she was Max’s only friend. Because she was, really. As for family – well, Georgie couldn’t imagine that Jamie wasn’t torn up about this. For all of the older girl’s flaws – like the fact that she was wholly unrealistic when it came to how friendship worked – Jamie seemed to care about Max, a lot. So, if she wasn’t blaming Jamie…why was she blaming herself? Maybe that wasn’t the point that Roxy had been trying to make, but it made Georgie feel better, at least a little.

Then Roxy mentioned family, and Georgie winced. “I think that I might have the most screwed up family ever.” The Hufflepuff said. She was aware that pretty much everyone thought that about their own family, but how many people could claim that their parents came back from the dead? Not that many, Georgie thought. Other than the whole rising from the dead thing, her family was getting back to normal functioning, but Georgie thought that the one situation was enough to qualify her for most screwed up.

@roxanne

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Georgie didn’t say anything about feeling guilty about her friend again, so Roxanne let the topic drop. But Georgie seemed a little bit more - settled, maybe? Roxy couldn’t put her finger on it, but she hoped that meant she’d helped.

But then she mentioned her screwed up family, and Roxy simply nodded. New topic? She could listen to that too. “I think everyone thinks that about their family,” Roxy said, smiling a little, because she knew she did. “I mean, my brother and half my cousins are named after dead people. Hell, I am too - not Roxanne, Dora. And that’s before you get really into it. But I have to admit, I don’t mind handing over the title.” It was a light and almost joking comment, in typical Weasley style, but she was telling the truth. Roxanne hoped Georgie would take it in the way it was intended - an invitation to talk that wouldn’t make her feel forced to.

@georgiana

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Maybe everyone thought that about their family, but Georgie was pretty sure that she was right. “Well, I thought my parents were dead, but it turns out they’re not, so yay for me, right?” Georgie asked sarcastically. “I mean, not that it doesn’t suck that you and your cousins are all named after dead people, but at least you know your dead people are staying in the ground, right?” That was one of the most macabre things Georgie had ever said, but she didn’t really care. She knew about the Weasley tradition of naming kids after dead people; her boyfriend was a Weasley, after all. At least he wasn’t one of the ones with a dead person’s name. “I don’t know. Family is weird. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier without them.” If she was going to be serious with Louis – more serious than she already was, that was – then Georgie was going to have to get used to the idea of a big family, though, and that scared her.

@roxanne

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Roxy’s eyebrows raised as Georgie explained exactly how screwed up her family was. “Yeah, that definitely has a dead relative naming scheme beat.” Okay, this was a weird conversation, and she wasn’t sure how dead parents who were not dead even worked, but Roxy wasn’t going to shy away from it, nor was she going to pry. But life without her family? That was unthinkable. She shook her head vehemently in response to Georgie’s comment. “I don’t think I’d be okay without my family. There are a lot of good people, and they’re really supportive and helpful, mostly. Some people aren’t, but the good outweighs the bad, I think. There’s a lot of weird too, but I guess that’s part of what makes it family.” She was totally out of her depth on an advice scale, and she really hoped Georgie wasn't going to hold a grudge against her for it later.

@georgiana

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Georgie couldn’t help but chuckle when Roxy said that Georgie’s screwed up family had hers beat. It was nice to know, even if the conversation as a whole sounded a little bit morbid, when taken out of context. Roxy seemed adamant that life without family wouldn’t be any better than life with it, and Georgie felt it was her duty to listen, seeing as Roxy’s family might one day become Georgie’s own. She gave a one-shouldered shrug when Roxy finished. “I guess, for me, it’s kind of weird because most of my family…doesn’t belong in this world. Both of my parents were born to No – Muggles.” Georgie corrected herself. Americanisms were filtering back into her language, and she didn’t particularly know why. “And I…I guess I’m angry at them, because if they had been witches and wizards, then maybe they would have wanted to take us.” It wasn’t that Georgie’s grandparents hadn’t loved her, but they’d believed that she and Lance would be better off raised by other wizards. “Sorry. You didn’t sign up to be my therapist.” But maybe…they were friends? Georgie was starting to warm up to the idea of friendship a little more, and the fact that Roxy was related to Louis didn’t hurt any, either.

@roxanne

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Roxy couldn’t even imagine - well, no, she could imagine, and what Georgie was describing would be just about the worst thing she could imagine. The Weasleys were tightknit, sure, but how could family not matter more than a little thing like magic? And maybe that wasn’t fair - she knew how bewildered she could be in Muggle Studies, so it probably went the other way too. But how could that justify just letting people go? She shook her head. “That… that would really suck. Family is family, and Muggleborns turn out alright, so I’d be pretty angry too.”

She shrugged when Georgie apologised. Sure, she hadn’t signed up to be a therapist, but - “I don’t mind talking and listening, especially if it helps. And if Louis says you’re good people, you’re good people.”

@georgiana

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Georgie swallowed hard when Roxy said that her grandparents’ abandonment would suck. At the time, Georgie had been too busy mourning the loss of her parents to be angry about it, but now that it was all rushing back…yeah, she could totally punch someone. Maybe she would, later. “I guess things happen for a reason.” The words were tired and Georgie’s delivery was hollow, so they didn’t have much of an effect beyond just being what Georgie knew she had to say.

“Yeah.” Georgie said quietly when Roxy brushed off her apology. “Could you – not tell Louis?” She asked meekly. “I mean, I’ve been meaning to tell him some of these things for a while, but it’s – hard.” Georgie said choppily. “I’ll get around to it.” She said, more to reassure herself than to reassure Roxy.

@roxanne