The Difference between Duty and Desire [Rosaria]

[Deleted]

October 30th.

Tomorrow night, the Goblet of Fire would choose its champions. And he would not be one of them.

Being fair, that was preferable to actually getting picked and then making a fool of himself in front of three countries. And Gaius would if he was chosen. He was no athlete, no warrior, nobody’s champion. Sure, he was decent as a Keeper in Quidditch, but that was because he could predict people nearly flawlessly. There was no predicting what would come up in the tournament. And while he might calculate and predict faster and better than anyone, he wasn’t much for thinking on his feet in do-or-die situations. But…well, he could already hear what his father was going to say to him, already see his mother’s disapproving frown. He’d told Raven he was done dancing for them, and he was.

But it would still hurt.

Two kids came running up the stairs, first or second years, and the sudden look of guilt on one’s face when they noticed him caught Gaius’ attention. He stopped them and held out his hand. “Hand it over.” One of them glanced at the other in trepidation, while the other had a self-assured smirk on his face. “Hand what over?” Gaius eyed the boy for a moment longer. “The Weasley product you’re hiding in your shirt.” It was just a guess, but given the joke shop chain was practically unrivalled in the area, it was a pretty good one. Oh, and look at that, slack-jawed shock. Ding ding, we have a winner. Gaius sighed before the kid tried to come up with something to cover himself. “Just give me whatever it is and go to lunch.”

One string of enchanted firecrackers. Huh. These were the kinds that changed the sound of their explosions based on the spells people tried to use to stop them, if Gaius wasn’t mistaken. And that should have been the end of it, but…

“I wasn’t going to use them.”

White-hot anger bubbled up instantly. “Five points from Gryffindor! DON’T lie to me again. EVER.” He watched the kids back away. The defiant one looked even more shocked now, and resentful, while his friend looked downright scared. But they headed back down the stairs obediently. Once they were out of sight, Gaius’ anger cooled off quickly. Merlin. He’d snapped way too hard on the kid. Gaius didn’t take well to lies on a good day, but he normally formed a sarcastic response to a lie, or at least a nasty comment. He hadn’t actually yelled at someone for it in years, particularly with that kind of snarling tone. He’d let the stress of the tournament get to him and make his response worse than he meant.

Worse than the kid deserved.

Gaius sank down to sit on the stairs and buried his head in his hands, willing the stress to go away.

Wishing it would all just go away for awhile and leave him be.

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

Sometimes, Rosaria needed to walk. She loved to get her thoughts out onto paper, but she had already done that twice earlier in the day. It seemed that her thoughts weren't going to let her mind relax. Thoughts of her father, or rather her father figure, Marcus Flint. It was over a month ago that she had discovered he wasn't her real father. She had ignored it for a week or so, but now it would not settle to the back of her mind. So she walked, thinking about how this changed how she had perceived her life. In all reality, she didn't think it would change her that much. He still claimed her as a daughter and she would still do what he said. She was still terrified of him. But she didn't have to be.

A sharp bark of a voice shook her from her thoughts. She shrunk against the wall instinctively. About to turn and walk the other way, chastising herself for being so jumpy, she paused as two first years took off past her, looks of terror on their faces. Rebellious curiosity blossomed as she watched them run toward the Great Hall. What had scared them so badly? She peek around the corner, up the stairs and was surprised to see Gaius. He was sitting with his head in his hands. Had he been the one to bark at the first years? He seemed to be the only one in sight.

She should walk away, just go back to her common room and get ready for classes. Gaius and Rusti hadn't talked much since school stated, though she didn't avoid him as she once had. However, she hadn't made time for him either. A single step forward, that was all it took for her to realized... she missed him. After only two interactions, she found herself wanted to speak with him. She she took the next step, and the next one, until she was only a step away from him. She sat down, leaving her head level with his knees.

"Hi." she whispered, her heart fluttering uncertainly in her chest. She probably shouldn't have approached him, he obviously wanted to be alone. She glanced away from him, looking at the pattern of the stairs. The hem of her skirt became a distraction, her fingers fidgeting with it. This was new territory for her. Wanting to talk to him, but worried that he wouldn't want to talk with her. What was she even doing here? She should leave. But she stayed where she was, glancing up at him after a moment, wondering how he would react to her.

||MAZE DIRECTION:LEFT TURN||

[Deleted]

Sometimes, he wished he could stop thinking. Gaius was not a typical person, not even a typical Ravenclaw. His mind ran nonstop. It made it difficult to sleep, sometimes, because no matter how exhausted he was, he did not stop thinking. And now, because he’d snapped on a poor kid reflexively, his mind was stuck in a horrible loop of what he was going to have to deal with when his father came around, and he had no outlet for it, and—

“Hi.”

His brain ground to a halt with that word.

He lifted his head free of his hands, staring in surprise at the quiet blonde sitting at the foot of the stairs below him. Mind quiet for a moment, he only dimly registered that she was probably expecting a response from him. “I—h-hey.” This was new. Gaius knew the two of them had been getting along pretty well, considering they had only met twice at this point. She had been the high point of the family dinner over the summer, and the way they worked together on their Transfiguration research. He hadn’t considered that he might miss her.

But that wasn’t what surprised him. What got him was—her being here had suddenly made it easy not to think. And that…was something very new to Gaius. His mind was winding back up, it was true—but only enough for him to speak to her. It seemed to have stopped building steam to think about the tournament. Or maybe the tournament suddenly didn’t matter any more. Because of Rosaria?

Gaius blinked these thoughts away before he could look too closely at them. And blinked again, as manners finally made their way back into his mind. “You don’t have to sit down there, you can—” He never quite managed to finish the sentence, but he did move over so there was room to sit beside him.

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

It wasn't normal for Rosaria to approach someone like this. To approach someone at all. But something seemed to draw her to Gaius, and she didn't completely understand it. For the moment, she didn't need to.

He stuttered out a return greeting and she cocked her head slightly, both concerned and confused, he was normally so eloquent. Was something wrong? She shouldn't have sat here, he really did want to be alone. She felt herself falling back into her shell. It was a bad idea to be here at all. But then he invited her, or half invited her to sit by him. She looked up, once again confused, but pleasantly.

Standing slowly, Rusti moved to the stair he was on and sat next to him. Her attention focused back on the hem of her skirt, fingering it as she did so. A moment of thought caused her to realize there should be some sort of conversation. How to start it? Both of the other times they had met there was a purpose to their meeting. Now, not so much. Unwilling to let the silence continue she asked the first thing that came into her mind.

"Are you okay?"

[Deleted]

The tension loosened in his mind somewhat; it was still there, but the aching was easier to ignore now. Was it Rosaria? Everyone else who was ever around him more than they had to be was in it purely for their own interests, but she had no reason to be here, not for herself. At least, she was being sincere in her words. He glanced over at her as she sat down. He continued to rub his temples with his fingers, trying to ward off his headache, but he wasn’t hiding his face in his hands anymore, so…progress, he supposed.

“Are you okay?”

He glanced over at her again, considering whether he should answer. It would be easy to tell her it wasn’t her business. But…he didn’t want to fight with her. He never really wanted to fight with anyone, but after the short time he’d spent with Rosaria, Gaius had grown…fonder than he’d expected. And even setting that aside—they were going to be married one day. There were contracts down and everything. She might as well know things about him, so she would know what she was getting into. “I’m—I went off on a kid just now. He was lying to me, and I hate being lied to. But I normally don’t get that bad. You’ve already seen what happens when people lie to me, last year and…during the dinner…” And oh, what a day that had been.

He sighed, shoulders slumping. “Tomorrow night is Halloween. When the Goblet chooses the champions. My father made me enter my name, but I won’t be picked. I’m not suited for something like the Triwizard Tournament, and I know it. But he made me enter my name, and my parents went on about how I could represent our family name in the tournament. In front of my sister. Who could win the tournament, but can’t enter it.” He sighed, staring at his boots. At the fine dragonhide leather that was dulled from a lack of polishing, because Gaius wasn’t interested in how he looked or how much money a pair of boots cost.

“And tomorrow night, the Goblet will choose the champions, and I won’t be one. And then my parents will start in about how Raven never dishonored the Goyle name like this, and she’ll preen and prance under their compliments. Until the Ministry Christmas party, where we’ll both have to go, and she’ll be completely out of her depth while I help Father establish connections, and suddenly I’ll be the favorite child again. I’m...just so tired of it all.”

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

His face was out of his hands, so that was progress? As he looked up, rubbing his temples, she felt herslef relax slightly. It wasn't that this was natrual, nothing about their relationship was natural, but there was a sort of... order to it. A kind of resigned peace that gave way to something more.

Gaius spoke of the Triwizard tournament, how he had entered, the games his family played. She nearly scoffed, it sounded suspicously like her parents. She stopped figiting with her dress, thinking of his speech. He had been angry at a student, but the rest of his monolauge suggested that it hadn't truly been something the student had done that set him off, rather his inability to otherwise express his emotions. That was probably how she would word it, had she been transcribing the encounter in her journal.

But the games, that was what truly caught her attention. The games his parents played, the games her father and mother played. Her... pretend father played. She didn't put a hand on his knee, nor did she hug him. No, both of those would have been much to forward. However, she did look him in the eye, a gesture that she didn't normally do.

"Everything would be so much easier if we tore down our facades and just acted as we truly are." she restated. "Why do we have to play by their rules, when the rules are flawed in the first place, right?" The words had been written in her book just the night before as she tried to disect her own feelings. How strange to have them mirrored in the boy she had avoided for so long.

[Deleted]

It was something of a surprise to see Rosaria look straight at him. Even though he knew they were getting along better than he—and she—had expected, she still had a tendency to drop her eyes. But if that was surprising, her words were doubly so.

Their rules were…flawed? Long years of blind obedience almost made him lash out, but he didn’t. Because her words felt like the truth. And hadn’t he said that to Raven already? That he would play the game for their parents, but he wouldn’t care about the outcome? What she said…it was what he was doing, but a step farther. And now that he’d heard the idea…

He couldn’t remove it from his mind.

He shoved the thought aside for the comment about facades, laughing at that. It came out as hollow and bitter, as he knew it would, because… “According to my father, there’s something wrong with me because I HAVE no façade.” He learned back on his elbows now, eyes turned up to the ceiling. He shouldn’t be telling her this. It was a closely-kept secret, something only his parents and sister knew…and, perhaps, some of his sister’s closest friends. It was hard to tell sometimes. But…they would be married one day. And if he wanted only the truth from others, they deserved the truth in turn.

“I…know when people are lying. I’m not a Legilimens, I don’t know how I know. But I ALWAYS know if someone says or does something they don’t mean. It sets off a spike of rage in me every time.” Another bitter laugh. “Occlumency doesn’t protect against it. Nothing does. If you don’t believe what you’re saying, don’t mean what you’re doing, I get mad at you. So imagine having to deal with that for a lifetime around people like…well…like your mother. Or my sister, who never passes up an opportunity to lie when I’m around just to make me blow up in front of people. Or seven years around students making up white lies or pretending to be friends, when the smallest lie makes you as mad as the biggest one.”

“And…I get sick to my stomach any time I try to lie or pretend. So I don’t. I can’t. And it’s worse any time I get mad…well…you saw at the family dinner. Your mom, my sister…and then…” Well, it hadn’t been pretty. Gaius was surprised the marriage contract wasn’t annulled after that, but he supposed the Flints canceling a hundred dinner dates had bought the Goyles some room for rudeness. He sighed and looked back at her. “Everyone around here lies. That’s why I avoid them. I hate snapping at anyone, but when they lie…I can’t stop myself. And…it doesn’t do anyone any good.”

“Maybe if I was free of it, I could be the person everyone expects me to be. But…I can’t.”

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

Rosaria sat next to her betrothed, listening to his bitter voice. She felt a stab of pity for the life he had to live. He could tell when someone was lying, everytime. Mind racing, she tried to think of any time, all the times, she may have lied to him. Guilt boiled in her stomach, but she ignored it for now. She could address that later. Her pity for him also brought a new concept. Perhaps they fit together better than she had thought. Neither of them had anything close to an ideal family life. Both had things they couldn't seem to overcome. Him with his anger, her with her fear.

Free of his anger. She had been on the recieving side of his anger, though perhaps not as strong as it could have been. She could be free of her fear. At least in her dreams. What would that be like.

"Freedom. The wonderful dream, unachievable in reality." she found herself whispering her thoughts outloud. It was how she truly felt, though she knew that there were ways to achieve freedom. Those ways, however, were hidden from her. But she would like to discover them , with Gaius perhaps.

OOC: Sorry for the short post :/

[Deleted]

Her whispered words about freedom, quiet as they were, did not escape his notice. And Gaius knew she believed what she was saying, that freedom could not be had. He glanced over at her. Gaius had never expected her home life to be easy. No pureblood child was given the luxury of choice, even as a child. But with the mother she had, it wouldn’t surprise Gaius to know her childhood had been even worse than his. As much as his parents did their best to keep him on the ground beneath their boots, he could still remember times when his mother hugged him and meant it. He could still remember when Raven was still too young to grow competitive, and just wanted to play and laugh with her big brother.

What did Rosaria remember?

Still, Gaius couldn’t help poking at her words. It was in his nature. “I wonder…if you choose to do what others want you to do, but you choose it for your reasons and not theirs, is that freedom? Or acceptance?” He glanced over at her again, shrugging a bit as he did. “I mean, if you do what they want, they’re not going to argue, but if you do what YOU want, you have no reason to be bitter, right? Both sides get what they want. In that case, do intentions matter the most? Not what, but why?”

It was an odd series of questions, Gaius knew ,and yet he felt as though the answers would be more important than they seemed. For her, as well. Now he looked at her fully, at those graceful hands that had written in such elegant handwriting, but with such incredible speed, as they poured over tomes to create a research paper together.

A research paper that had been published in no less than seven different magazines, bringing in a nice sum of gold for them in royalties (Gaius had kept his half stored away just in case, and had no idea what Rosaria had done with hers).

He was struck by the sudden urge to kiss one of those skillful hands. But he restrained himself. “I would…if it’s okay with you, that is, I’d like…to take you to lunch…on the next Hogsmeade weekend. Nothing…nothing family related, no marriage to think about. Just us. If that’s okay, I mean.”

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

What did freedom mean? Was it freedom when she chose to do as her parents requested of her, when she knew any other alternative was to fall into harm's way? Did freedom mean staying silent to avoid attention, which in turn meant avoiding a beating? No. That would be acceptance.

"Freedom comes when you can make a choice, no matter what choice it is, and know that you made it because you wanted to, not because of fear." It wasn't really an answer to all of his questions, but it was how she felt. She wasn't really free. If she made the "wrong" choice, she would know about it the next time she went home. "I don't think I have ever made a choice my parents wanted me to, and I wanted it at well." How would it be to make any choice, good or bad, and only have to deal with the natural consequences, instead of those imposed by her parents? Knowing that she did it because she wanted to. A foreign feeling to her, however one she was slowly becoming acustomed to. "Well, not until recently." she added softly. At that moment, she wanted nothing more than to scoot closer, lean her head on Gaius' shoulder and have him wrap his arms around her, safe.

But she resisted, pausing at his comment. "I-- I would love to." she said, a smile spreading across her lips. Gaius Goyle, her betrothed since birth, a boy she had avoided her entire life, had just asked her on a date. And she could think of nothing that would make her happier than to accept.

[Deleted]

Gaius wasn't a very romantic person by nature, but that didn't mean he didn't have feelings. He might be pretty bad at showing them, but he had them. And Rosaria had turned out to be a very calming presence for him, much to his surprise. Even more surprising was that she seemed to like being around him. He certainly wasn't complaining—they were stuck together for life, after all—but it was somewhat ironic, given how much she'd worked to avoid him in the past. He listened to her definition of freedom. It was a simple one, but a good summation of the concept nonetheless. And he wasn't dumb. He could tell exactly what she meant when she said she had finally agreed with her parents on something.

Slowly, tentatively, he reached over to put one arm around her shoulders. As far as romantic gestures went, it wasn't much, and part of Gaius worried that it would be too much for the shy Slytherin. But part of him also believed it would be worse, in the long run, for him to do nothing here, like she would think he disagreed with her. And he didn't. He needed to show that. And he was a little too stiff and proper to do something romantic like Transfigure a bouquet of flowers for her. This...he hoped, at least...would do. His thumb stroked her shoulder slowly, and he smiled at a thought. “Then by your definition, this Hogsmeade date will be the first breath of freedom?” she was trapped, that he knew. A more gilded cage than his own, but a cage nonetheless. And they were bound by paper and propriety to come together for the sake of their families. It was intended to be just another cage, one where they both had the keys to escape, but they had to open the locks simultaneously, with no ability to communicate with each other.

But if they were open and honest about it...if...if they both wanted it, or at least were okay with it...it wouldn't be a cage after all.

He didn't want to bring it up, yet. He was afraid that she might still feel like she had to report to her parents, and if his parents heard about his plans for the future, he would suffer greatly, for as long as they could. But he wanted her to know that he wasn't his father, or his mother, or his sister. “I...was wondering...after we get married...what...um......what traditions do you want to keep? I think there's a few I'd like to get rid of, myself.”

He wrinkled his nose, distaste crossing his face, and told the truth before he could stop himself. “Like visiting certain relatives for Christmas or their birthdays.”

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

Rosaria started daydreaming, which was strange, because she didn't normally sucumb to those. But she must have been because Gaius put his arm around her shoulders, exactly as she had imagined only moment before. A contented sigh slipped through her lips as she leaned into his embrace. It was better than she imagined. Rusti decided that she didn't care if she was daydreaming. If she was, then she would enjoy it. If not...

"... Yes, it will." She said without moving from her spot next to him. Gaius was obviously not completely comfortable with their seating situation, but that didn't bother Rusti.

The pair sat in silence for a few moments, Rosaria thinking of how she was going to need to change her expectations for the future, for the better. Gaius eventually interrupted the silence asking a question that must have come from a strange tangent of thought. This caused Rusti to shift turning so she could look at him, a thoughtful gaze finding his eyes.

"I would like to make our own traditions. " she said quietly. She couldn't think of a single family tradition she wanted to keep. She hated the way her parents celebrated anything, drinking and yelling. She closed her eyes at the thought but quickly opened them back up to look back at Gaius. "Perhaps we could, maybe, make a list of celebrations we enjoy?" Her list would be short. But she would do it if it meant getting to spend more time with Gaius.

[Deleted]

As they sat together and Rosaria didn't flinch away, Gaius became more comfortable, and he shifted his arm to a more natural place for them. This was nice. There was silence, but just like when they had worked together on their essay, it was an easy silence, a comfortable one, before he broke it with his train of thought. They looked at each other, and it was just so natural.

Part of him was sad this had taken so long. But he wouldn't say it out loud. Given her personality, he wouldn't be surprised if she blamed herself too much already, when she couldn't have known how well they got along.

He mentally sighed in relief when she said she wanted to make their own traditions. Then she suggested they make a list of the celebrations and traditions they enjoyed. Gaius snorted. “That'll be a short list.” He paused for a moment though, chewing on that thought.

Perhaps not.

“No...that's not true. There's one thing I like the idea of. Any time Raven and I were at home, we were all required to sit together and eat dinner at night. For an hour, we had to eat, drink, and talk with each other and our parents. They tended to spend the night favoring one of us, working the other one up. I used to think they were just trying to push us both, but now I feel like they were just using it to make us try harder to earn their loyalty, rather than anything for ourselves. I hate that. I don't ever want to treat my kids like that. But I think the idea of the dinner itself, where we all have to talk about our day...I think that could be a good thing.”

He glanced over at her. She always seemed so hesitant to speak, and part of him worried that had to do with her upbringing. His parents had taught Raven to be silent, but not submissive. Given Rosaria's personality...he wondered what she had been taught.

He'd never given much thought to it. Never really had to, considering it was already laid out for him from the time he was a child. But now that he had, he didn't want a silent wife. His mother could pull their strings just as well as his father, but she was always subservient to him, always agreeing with him. If she said something, and he disagreed, she immediately changed her mind. And he didn't want that. “What about you? Any fun family things you'd like to keep? You don't seem like the drinking type—sorry, that was uncalled for,” he said, eyes finding his feet and one hand rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. Damn his propensity for the truth. Nevermind that it was exactly what he thought of Pansy, he didn't want to hurt Rosaria's feelings by insulting her mother, even by mistake.

His other hand never left her shoulder, though.

@rosaria

[Deleted]

@gaius

Rosaria rested her head on his shoulder after he shifted his arm slightly. When was the last time she had ever felt this safe? She didn't think too long, becasue she wasn't sure there was a memory to dredge up. so she pulled herself back to Gaius and his words.

She didn't smile at his comment about drinking. She had vowed to never touch the stuff. Rusti knew what he was insinuating. What if she turned out like her mother? She flinched, turning her head to look down at her own feet. "It's fine." she lied, holding back the tears. She wanted to pull away from him, which was probably what he wanted, but she didn't. And for some reason he didn't pull his arm off of her shoulders. Perhaps she could redirect the conversation?

"I like the idea of a dinner together. Talking about the day... getting to know each other." She started softly, truthfully. She had more to say about it, but stopped herself. He probably didn't want to hear he talk anymore about it. He probably didn't even want to be here with her. Not with the daughter of a Flint, anyway.

[Deleted]

“It’s fine.” A spike of anger at the lie. But not at her. At himself, for once. Because yeah, Rosaria had lied, but he was the one to make her feel like she had to. And credit for consistency: Gaius Goyle didn’t let himself get away with it, either. “No, it’s not fine, and that’s not what I meant. I said that because I’ve only ever seen your mother drinking. I didn’t intend to insult her, or you, it was just the truth.” But pieces were falling in to place about her home life. It wasn’t even hard to figure out; Gaius had the same fears about himself and his own parents. “You’re not like your mother. I think even if you drank, you wouldn’t be a drunk like her.” He lowered his eyes now, staring at the steps they were sitting on. “Just like even if I’ve got my mother’s temper, I’ll never be a hitter like her.”

Why deny it? It was the truth.

She was being quiet again. He hated that. Why couldn’t she be like she was in the library, open and animated, enjoying herself? Was it because she had to marry him? Gaius thought they were getting along—no, scratch that, he knew they were getting along. If she tried to fake that, she would have enraged him. Home life. Her mother drank, and her father was an influential politician. And both were ardent pureblood supremacists. Of. Course. She’d been taught her whole life not to argue, talk back, or do anything but agree, hadn’t she? Just like he had.

“You know, I didn’t care one way or another, before we met. I didn’t know you, but I was going to spend my life with you. It just was. My parents didn’t dislike each other, but everything seemed professional. Fine, I could do that.”

He looked over at her now. “But in the library, I finally got to see you be you. At least, it felt more like you than anything else you did. And I thought maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. And every time you actually show you, I believe it more and more. But you don’t do that. You’re hiding you right now. You’re showing me what your parents taught you to be, aren’t you? Brushing off something that hurt you, agreeing with me and then not saying anything more. I—” He stopped, thinking about how he needed to say this. Patience wasn’t his strong suit, but he called on his political savvy to stop and think. The harshest, barest truth in the bluntest, brashest manner. That was what he preferred. But that didn’t seem to work. So he thought for a moment.

On a whim, he took Rosaria’s hand in his free one and lifted it up, softly kissing the knuckle of her ring finger. “I like you. Not the you your parents want, or the you that you’re trying to be right now. I like you being enthusiastic. I like you having opinions. And I’d like it if you expressed them. I would rather you scream the worst truth at me than whisper the nicest lies. I want the girl from the library to come back.”

“I think I really like her.”

@rosaria