I'll tell you my sins

[Deleted]

Where do I start with this? It isn't easy writing down my thoughts into words. Is it even safe to do so nowadays? I've seen too much in my life and I can barely talk about it to anyone. Who have I got to talk to? I have no family and spent too long buried in my work. At night after patrolling the grounds I find myself just wide awake and only drinking enough firewhiskey do I find the sleep my body deeply craves. Sometimes sleep comes easily other times I'm haunted by things I've seen and question everything.

I guess this began after the second Wizarding War and basically found out I was never good enough for my father. The deatheaters were all that he needed, after all I was a disappointment as I don't believe in all this blood purity bullshit. The scenes you don't understand as a kid in Hogwarts and then you hear what they did, just brings up anger and I'm glad I was in an orphanage rather than being raised by an evil man like that. At least he taught me the dark arts, I still stand by the dark arts are not evil it is down to the intentions for the person using them but try convincing that to the Ministry.

The Ministry is another problem I have. I was an Auror for 18 years, ok 15 full years but still when this group came along and slaughtered children what did the Ministry do? Did we catch anyone? I don't think so. Instead it seems evil triumphs again and the Ministry does nothing! They just want to frown upon wizards like myself who would do anything to protect innocent people even use unforgivable curses. I guess it's due to Harry Potter only experiencing evil with the dark arts but where was he during all of this? Sitting at his desk? Instead it's people like me who had to look at the dead children and that still haunts me. Where are the group of good guys who are meant to be able to find this cult?

There aren't any and I sometimes curse myself for not trying hard enough to try protecting people. It's why I decided to become a professor at Hogwarts. It isn't my ideal job as I liked being an Auror as when you catch a bad guy it makes it worth it, the tears, the blood and scars. However I felt I could do more at Hogwarts, I could at least be that person willing to do everything in my power to protect the students and those who couldn't protect themselves. I have no one that will miss me if I'm gone so self sacrificing has always been an option. I am always prepared for a fight with one of those cult members, I won't cower away like I did when I was 11 years old.

Anyhow those are are a few things going on in my mind. I guess I'm similar to my father in some ways with the lack of issue with causing harm, the difference for me is I'd do it to someone who threatens the innocence. With that I shall end this journal piece.

[Deleted]

I'm still struggling to settle into life outside the Ministry. It's been months but I cannot help but be on guard at all times and it is driving me insane at times. This cult of dark wizards seem to be quiet, it's too quiet and now I am waiting for the next attack or trying to prevent it but what the hell can I do here? My aim is to protect the children but even that is not easy between teaching and marking work. Plus it is the Christmas break so most have gone home to their families. The problem with the silence is you never know what they are plotting, a lesson well learnt back in the Ministry. Even the Ministry did little during these times especially with some corrupt person in place which refused the aurors out, I was glad to see the back of him. The question is now how many of these dark wizards have infiltrated the Ministry. I guess history may repeat itself.

My mind then wonders to my father, the cruel bastard that he was. That man has scarred me mentally and physically, most of the time I can cast my mind to be blank but other times I just sit there and have those thoughts screaming in my head. The Cruciatus Curse was his favourite to use on me growing up when I did not listen or agree with his opinion, he found it funny to show his skills off. I was a wreck when it was used and possibly the most agony I've been in. At least now I can resist the most part of the pain, we learnt how to do that in the Ministry however growing up and going under that..... I'm just glad he left when he did before I went home as a Ravenclaw and breaking family tradition. The scar that I bare on my right arm is the reminder of the times in the Ministry, I don't know what spell was used however it left a permenant reminder of duelling dark wizards. I was foolish all those years back thinking I knew it all and could easily defeat the dark wizards myself. Apparently I was lucky to be alive when I was found.

Anyhow enough of the darkness in my mind. I have met some old faces at my times in Hogwarts, it has been quite pleasant to catch up with them, even if it was brief. My students seem to be enjoying potions and one student has asked for lessons in Occumens which is a pleasant surprise. I've received an owl from a dear old friend which made me smile. I guess I can try getting use to a more unhectic life until things kick off again. I am having fun with potions club and life is pretty good in general. I just have to remember to always be prepared. Might pop down to the three broomsticks before term starts again, I love that place. Always seems to have an affect on my mood in general.

Anyhow that is enough for now. These papers aren't going to mark themselves.... though I wonder if there is a spell that could do it for me.