TAKE THIS OFF MY SHOULDERS, SOMEONE TAKE ME HOME | TIA

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I POUR MY HEART
INTO YOUR HANDS

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CHRISTMAS 2024

The fall had come and gone, and slowly winter had fallen upon the earth. With snow fluttering down upon London, it was a Christmas miracle. Tamara and Liam had decided that for this Christmas they would go to their separate family celebration, and that was just what they did. Tamara had gotten up that morning from her apartment and had gotten dressed, looking outside with a mug of coffee at the winter wonderland that laid out across London. She smiled slightly, finishing her coffee within a few minutes before heading into the bathroom to brush her teeth and comb her hair, why she did that after dressing was beyond her. However, this Christmas she had gone for black skinny jeans, a red sweater she had gotten from her mother the previous Christmas, and her snow boots. Flickering the lights off, Tamara grabbed her coat, hat, purse, and keys before heading out of her apartment and making her way down to the main lobby area. Once there she headed outside and flagged down taxi and head to her parents’ home.

It wasn’t long before they pulled up before the ordinary house that belonged to the Finch family, and she quickly removed herself from the vehicle after paying and headed up the snow-covered steps before knocking on the door. It wasn’t long before the door was opened and an older looking Penelope Finch squealed, throwing her arms around her daughter and dragging her inside. ‘Oh, I’m so glad that you came Tamara, where is your man?’ the woman had questioned with a wiggly of her eyebrow, which resulted in a blush from the brunette. “We decided to go to our separate ways this Christmas, but he might stop by to say hi before I leave,” she said with a smile just as her father entered the hall with a smile, leaving Tamara to move past her mother and wrap her arms around her father with a smile. “Merry Christmas, daddy,” she breathed into his ear as she pulled back and looked between her parents. “Is Tia coming?” she questioned, wondering if her estranged sister that she hadn’t spoken to since graduation two years ago was coming. Her parents looked at each other before her mother spoke, ‘She’s already here. She went upstairs not too long before you did.’

Tamara nodded as she shrugged off her coat and removed her hat and handed them to her mother who had her hand’s outstretched to take them. She smiled at them before excusing herself and heading up the familiar steps and looking in each room. She wasn’t in her old room nor Tamara’s, and then she found her. She was standing in the old room that belonged to RJ, his stuff still inside and practically a shrine to their deceased brother. It was how their parents coped, and it was a way to remember him. She stood in the doorway, arms across her chest as she stayed silent, biting her bottom lip as she thought about what to say. They hadn’t spoken since graduation, but she had heard from Liam that he had spoken to her and even seen her. She cleared her throat, finally, before she spoke. “Merry Christmas, Tia.”

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TAG @tia

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i am my own.

THOUGH TIA HAD FINALLY MOVED OUT OF HER parents home, she still found herself back there often. And, without a doubt, on every major and minor holiday. Despite being the child that often struggled to express themselves emotionally, Tia's base comfort was her family home. No matter what, she would always rotate back there.

Christmas was a given, though Tia always dreaded holidays like it. It meant that not only was she around her mum and dad, but Tamara too. Tia hadn't seen her in around two years, she hadn't turned up for the last Christmas, and that was perhaps the longest they'd gone without an awkward interaction. School had obviously made it difficult, but now that they had graduated 'distance' truly meant 'distance'. Tia wasn't sure she liked it as much as she thought she would.

Prompt as always, Tia was glad she had beat her sister home. Fielding social questions from her mum and medical ones from her father as she unloaded gifts under the tree and finally slipped up to her bedroom to 'look out a few things'. Really, Tia just hadn't wanted to be present when her sister whirled in and doled out hugs and kisses in greeting. She wasn't ready for that tension as she was given a nod or an awkward kiss on the cheek in consolation.

Upstairs, Tia wandered from room to room, padding on socked feet as she avoided the bare bones of her old bedroom. Tamara's was a pristine shrine to an old, beloved teenage God. She had always been sentimental. Eventually, Tia found her way to the very back room in the house. The one where the door was so old and unused it jammed when Tia tried to open it. It used to be the biggest room in the house, and Tia had moaned when they'd given it to RJ. When the door finally swung open, it was like looking at a preserved, ancient tomb. It didn't look so big anymore. An oppressive space filled with memories and old, folded laundry. 

Tia almost jumped when she heard the door open and close downstairs, holding her breath as she heard the melodious sound of her sisters voice tinkling in to every nook and cranny. She entered their brothers room quickly, her feet creaking on the floorboards as she walked across and gently sat on the edge of the bed. As if seeking her brothers comfort for what was to come. For how strong she was going to have to be to make it through Christmas without ruining it. She didn't hear Tamara until she was staring right at her from the door frame. A wind swept, glorious version of herself. Tia's hands fisted on her brothers ancient duvet cover.

"Merry Christmas," Tia muttered back, her voice always little lower and rougher than her sisters. From lack of use, she'd say. She cast her eyes around her brothers room, shaking her head lightly as she thought of a thousand things worth saying. Eventually, she settled on something entirely surprising. "He'd hate us being in here." There was an old ache in Tia's chest, a wound she had thought long since healed. "Especially on his precious bed." Tia made a point of jumping up slightly, bouncing on the squeaking, unused bed springs just in case he was watching from somewhere. 

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

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I POUR MY HEART
INTO YOUR HANDS

[attr="class","next"] Indifference to what she had learned from her mother through letters, Tamara had left behind the family home a few months after she graduated. She had gotten an apartment that she adored, and while it wasn’t fancy or anything, it was home. Tia had moved out a while after she had, still living at home last time she had been to visit but had left the last time she received a letter. Finally, the birds had flown the coop, and it seemed to have taken a toll on their mother – who missed them dearly. After the death of RJ, it appeared that their parents turned their watchful eyes on Tamara and Tia, and as they slowly grew into beautiful women and went their way, it made them realize time was fleeting. Tia probably visited a lot more than Tamara did, they favored her more than they did Tamara these days.

Discovering her twin in the room that was a museum of their deceased brother, that didn’t surprise the brunette. However, getting through and speaking to her sister may find itself more painful to her. Speaking to Tia these days, ever since RJ died, seemed to go wrong for both of them – one of them always left in a huff, but Tamara hoped to get past that. If not for possible friendship, but for their parents on this Christmas season.

‘He’d hate us being in here. Especially on his precious bed.’

Tamara let out a soft laugh, nodding her head as she pushed further into the room, stopping a few feet away from where Tia currently sat. Crossing her arms over her chest, she smiled at the fond memories of getting in trouble for even entering his room. “I remember the one time you dared me to come in here and jump on his bed while he was napping. Oh, was he not pleased. He chased us all around the house before mom put a stop to it,” she said with a bit of laughter leaving her lips. “After he passed, I used to fear coming in here – scared that any second he’d come through the door, throw me over my shoulder and run around until I promised I would never go in again.”

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TAG @tia

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i am my own.

DEATH HAPPENED TO EVERYBODY EVENTUALLY, Tia was acutely aware of this. She had seen in it happen to innocent, undeserving people many times in her line of work. But, the first time Tia had tasted death firsthand had been at home, when she had least expected it. RJ had not deserved to die so young, and it had made Tia so mad. At her brother putting his life at risk in the army, at her parents for letting him, at her sister for leaving her alone on her own twisted side. She had spent a very long time just being angry.

Being a healer had helped Tia understand her own complex emotions. That anger had been her way of coping with grief, but it had soured all of her most intimate connections in its creation. She had many regrets, but she missed her brother more. And her sister. Even when she standing right in front of her.

Tia could not help her burst of surprised laughter as Tam recalled a memory from the past. Her head thrown back slightly as she covered her face and groaned. "I was always doing that!" She exclaimed regretfully, shaking her head so that her hair fell over her hands. She dropped them in to her lap, unable to stop a smile from lifting the corners of her mouth a little. "I just... I loved bothering him." She muttered, licking her lips as if to dislodge the smile from her face. "And... you were so easy to convince." It was true that while Tam was by far the braver twin, Tia was a very good mastermind.

Though, of course, there was always the looming topic of his absence. It clung like the surface dust the coated all of his furniture. "I think I felt the opposite." Tia whispered, frowning as she recalled for the first time that hopefulness that had bled her dry in the beginning. "I used to come in here sometimes, even after mum forbade it, like I wanted him to rise up from the dead just because I was- I was touching his stupid figurines."

Tia felt the threat of tears nipping behind her eyes as she reached up to rub at them, pushing hair away from her face as she sighed and shook it off. She was too old to cry, she thought sadly. It wouldn't offer the same kind of catharsis it would have done had she cried more often back when it was still fresh. "It was silly," Tia muttered, smiling thinly at her sister as she sat up from the bed, still far too firm from lack of use. "I don't even know when mum stopped locking it." Tia said, recalling how after a while their mother had put a lock on the door to stop the girls interfering with her perfectly constructed tomb. Tia ached for her parents. 

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

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I POUR MY HEART
INTO YOUR HANDS

[attr="class","next"] Tamara had experienced death, enough times that people probably questioned if she welcomed him like an old friend each time someone was taken too soon. She had lost her brother, a few friends, and then she watched the light leave the eyes of her ex-boyfriend. Watching Elaine slaughter Ethan with a simple swish of her wand, had left nightmares behind closed eyes. Each night, in the beginning, she saw it over and over again, to the point that she used to have to drink potions to help her sleep through the night. After she graduated, they lessened, but she still had them here and there. Even though she wasn’t with Ethan at the time, running behind his backdating his best friend, she felt even more guilt at his death.

Not being able to tell him that she fell in love with his best friend and that their breakup was because she had moved on, had found the butterfly feelings in her stomach once more – that it wasn’t him, but more than she lacked the love she felt before, killed her. And when she had seen his ghost, heard about him wandering the halls from Quinn, she felt even more guilt trying to break her. She hoped that Ethan had found peace since that time because she had – but his death still haunted her. It probably always would – she was a young girl that saw death firsthand, something that Tia presumably saw now and days.

Tamara found herself smiling genuinely as Tia let out a burst of laughter at her comment, adding her own by saying that she was always doing that – daring her to do something, that she enjoyed bothering their brother and Tamara was always so easy to convince. “I was easy to convince?” she said with a laugh, “No—I looked up to you…I wanted to be you sometimes, the strong girl that kept her head held high. Doing the dares made me feel closer to being just like you. I was brave, sure, but I wanted to be smart like you.” The revelation to her sister made a small frown appearing on her face as she glanced down at her sleeve, holding them between white fingers. Tamara had always been an impressionable child, and being like her semi-older sister, made her strive to do all that she could to be the apple of her sister’s eye – even if it meant getting in trouble.

Tamara swallowed back her emotions, she and her sister were so different – in the best ways possible – but they were the same in others. They both deeply missed their brother and always wanted to feel closer to him. She smiled lightly, “She probably unlocked it once we both left – she needed one of her children to be closer to,” she whispered as if saying the words would break her. She felt horrible for her mother, she felt horrible for her father – but she also felt deeply for her sister as well.

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TAG @tia

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i am my own.

TIA HAD NEVER ONCE THOUGHT THAT HER SISTER had admired her once upon a time. In her mind, when she looked back or thought about herself all those years ago, she pictured her sister bathed in golden light. The eternal favourite. So happy and friendly that Tia could do nothing else but live in her ever-reaching shadow. To hear that Tamara had in fact thought differently was a shock for Tia.

Scoffing a dry laugh, Tia shook her head. "No you didn't." She said sharply, disagreeing with her sister on instinct. Though, when she looked up at her, there was nothing but sincerity in her soft, smiling face. "I didn't ever get that feeling from you." She muttered, feeling ashamed all of a sudden. As if she had been so consumed by her own selfish fear of short-comings that she hadn't seen her sister's plain admiration. "I always thought you were better. I could never be you." It didn't help that they were constantly compared to one and other. Their differences cast in to sharp focus.

As Tamara speculated why their mother would unlock their brother's bedroom door after such a long time, Tia's heart squeezed uncomfortably. As soon as she said it, it made so much sense. How painfully observant her sister could be. "You're probably right." She whispered, tasting the dust in the air, it didn't feel full of her brother any more. Not like it used to. Time and neglect had turned it in to a tomb of things. She wanted desperately to take some away with her, but dared not touch for fear of breaking her mum's heart all over again.

"I'm tired of being angry." Tia said after a long beat of a painful silence. She wasn't looking at Tamara, but it was aimed at her sister. At the ghost of her brother that lingered in the corners of the room. "I just... I don't want it to be like this any more." This was a loaded statement and it took a lot of courage for Tia to say it out loud. "I don't want... us to end up like this room." She couldn't stop looking at the layers of dust. RJ stuck at such a young age through his entombed belongings. Never moving forward in their memories.

Dipping her head, Tia did something she hadn't done for a very long time. She began to cry. She stopped fighting the sting in her eyes, dropping her head to hide the salted streaks that marred her carefully applied make up. With her chin pressed against her chest, she cried silently, the only sound being the odd sniffle she could not help as she avoided her running nose. Swiping the back of her hand against her nose she shook her head. "Please don't feel sorry for me," She said in a rush, stepping away from Tamara in case she did something awful, like hug her. 

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

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I POUR MY HEART
INTO YOUR HANDS

[attr="class","next"] Tamara was like the shadow that Tia never wanted but was always stuck with. She followed her older twin around like a love-sick puppy, at least, until school separated them from each other. She remembered crying the first night she stayed in the Hufflepuff dorms, her sister hidden away from her in another location that she knew nothing about. Even Dana was gone from her, their houses separated from one another. She was entirely alone, and she had hated it.

She smiled, shaking her head, “I might not have shown it, because I always turned down your dare or was fearful of doing it…or even fought with you. But by god, did I want to be just like you. I hated being the favorite, sure I enjoyed the attention, but sometimes I would have loved to fuck up and have mom yell at me instead of sweetly correcting me and offering me a sweet.” The words left her lips and not once had she ever uttered it outside of the diary she kept in her desk at home. She had tones of them in boxes, many from her childhood that she had filled with her words and feelings. She continued journaling to this day, her form of therapy that she had taken back up after Ethan died before her eyes.

Tia seemed to agree with Tamara’s observation about RJ’s unlocked room. The air was stale, the dust on the tip of her tongue and yet the room was somewhat spotless as if their mother had just recently cleaned it. While it was still a tomb of their dead brother, his things just where he left them and his clothes neatly folded in the wardrobe. She hated it, and yet, it still felt like their brother—as if he were wrapping them in an unwanted tackle.

The silence was as thick as the air, but Tia was the first to break it, her words causing her attention to snap towards her. She swallowed her feelings and pride, nodding her head in agreement to Tia’s words and wants, “I’m tired of it too. I’ve been tired of it since it started. I never wanted to fight with you or destroy the relationship we had as children.” Just as those words left her lips, she noticed the tears appearing in Tia’s eyes and as quickly as she noticed them, Tia tried to hide them. But it was already too late; the tears were filling in her own eyes as she watched her sister sniffle, crying silently but allowing her body to shake, wiping her nose with the back of her hand as she told Tamara not to feel sorry for her.

The itch to hug her sister was there, but she knew that Tia had never been one for physical displays of affection, especially as she took note that her sister stepped away from her. She swallowed her feelings, sniffling herself and blinking the tears that threaten to spill. “I’ve missed you, Tia. You don’t know how many times while we were at Hogwarts that I went searching for you. Whenever I was playing Quidditch on the field, I always looked for you in the crowd. After we graduated, I wanted to contact you…wanted to write to you and try to fix things. Hell, there were a few times where I almost visited mom and dad’s before you moved out…but I thought you would be so mad at me—I was scared. We left things on such bad terms after the whole funeral and me joining Phoenix Rising, I thought we would never talk again.”

She felt a huge weight leave her chest as she quickly brushed beneath her eyes with her thumb. It felt nice to say everything she had kept bottled up inside, especially when it was to a live person and not within her diary. She hadn’t even spoken to Liam about the way her and Tia’s relationship made her feel all these years. The silence was thick after her words plagued the room and she let out a soft sigh filled with sadness and unleashed tears, “Please—say something…”

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TAG @tia

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i am my own.

TIA FELT HER BITTER RELUCTANCE TO FEEL SORRY for her sister. She had spent so long sure of her sister's social superiority that imagining herself as a person of envy was impossible. Laughable. Because why would Tamara wish to be Tia when she could be herself? It didn't fit in her mind so she simply shook her head, a crease between her brows. "Who doesn't like being favoured..." She commented under her breath, because she couldn't help herself. It didn't make sense to her.

Having never planned to cry, it came as a shock to Tia when she couldn't help but. It was a mixture of her conflicted feelings about their falling out, RJ's dusty room and Tamara's presence. There was a reason Tia avoided time alone with her sister. Not because she was angry, because she'd overcome her anger some time before. But, because she was afraid of what would pour out of her when they were together. Tia prided herself on her composure, but it was failing her more and more each day. Perhaps healing was making her soft.

Swiping a hand over her nose, Tia listened as Tamara opened up to her. All the while her gaze was on the floor, afraid of what raw emotion she would find in her sister's face. Tia had spent a lot of time wondering. Even while bitter, she always thought about her sister. What she was doing, how she was doing. They had been so close, the divide still hurt Tia. It was like she didn't know Tamara any more. And all the while as Tamara spoke, Tia didn't breath a word. She focused on getting herself in check first.

Finally, she lifted her head. Red rimmed eyes and splotchy cheeks. Her mascara leaving a thin black smudge under eyes eye. "I don't know what to say," Tia admitted, shrugging her shoulders hopelessly. "I can't keep thinking about what I've- we've missed, or it'll kill me." She dug her fingers in to her chest until she felt it in her sternum, biting down on her bottom lip when it threatened to wobble. "I just... don't want to be angry any more." She blinked her wet lashes and gnawed on the skin of her cheek.

"Maybe we just have to start again." Tia sighed, pulling her sleeve over one hand and rubbing it under her eyes before checking the smudge on the fabric. "I don't even... I feel like I don't know you any more." She admitted with trepidation, dropping her arms and pursing her lips. "It's been so long, we're like strangers." And as sad as it was, it was true. They'd both grown in very different directions. There were memories of camaraderie but that was just it, a memory. 

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

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[googlefont="Open Sans Condensed:300"]

I POUR MY HEART
INTO YOUR HANDS

[attr="class","next"] Tamara smiled lightly, shrugging her shoulders, “It was okay at times, being the apple of mum’s eyes…but sometimes, it felt like a burden. Like I had to be perfect because she wanted me to be, or because she told her friends she had a perfect daughter—it was exhausting. Hogwarts was the best thing to happen to me because I got to be me…not someone’s baby doll.” Penelope Finch had lost her perfect daughter the day the twins had gone to Hogwarts, a French boarding school their mother had told most of her friends. And with her mother no longer looking over her shoulder, telling her to stand up straight constantly—she got to be herself. After Hogwarts, she made sure to leave right away and got a lovely little apartment with the money she had saved up and the fantastic job that she had sacred. And now that she was no longer an intern, but an actual reporter…her life was made. She was sure that her parents were proud of both girls, but she no longer had to stand in the shadow of her mother’s perfection.

Both girls had struggled with their relationship throughout Hogwarts, and the death of their beloved brother had continued that rift and set it in stone. They were civil around each other in front of their family or friends, but when faced with each other, darkness befell their close relationship. Tamara noticed it as did Tia; a toxic relationship filled the cracks within their once perfect and close one. Tears had appeared in Tamara’s eyes, to no one’s surprise, but when they filled her twin sister’s own doe brown eyes, she could barely hold in her shock. The last time she had seen her elder twin cry, was at RJ’s funeral, tears that dried up when they arrived back at Hogwarts in the dead of night. Tia looked up, the only reminder that she had been crying was the lines of mascara that smudged beneath her eyes, something that would likely have to be fixed before they went back downstairs. Tamara, at that moment, was glad that she was wearing the waterproof kind, she was not in the mood to fix her own.

‘I don't know what to say. I can't keep thinking about what I've- we've missed, or it'll kill me. I... don't want to be angry anymore. Maybe we have to start again. I don't even... I feel like I don't know you anymore. It's been so long; we're like strangers.’ Her words were enough to fill Tamara with sadness because of how true it was. They had long been in a fight, they had missed so much in each other’s lives and had become strangers under their own home. She frowned deeply, “You couldn’t be more right—I hate what we’ve become…” she said truthfully as she drew closer to her sister, fingers itching to grasp her arm gently. “I would love to start again if you are?”

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TAG @tia

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i am my own.

IT WAS HARD FOR TIA TO SEE PAST HER OWN experience at home, but a part of her knew that her sister was making sense. She had put a massive amount of pressure on herself, but she'd never felt that same weight from their parents. She'd always been smart, and introverted. Not the favourite, but they didn't really worry about her as much. "I guess that makes sense," She shrugged, her voice quiet and a little bit reluctant. It felt like she was betraying her younger self, the one that was bitter about feeling forgotten.

However, Tia finally felt strong enough to consider a life where they weren't at odds. It was almost unimaginable, so much time had past separate that they truly were like strangers. "Yeah," She nodded, a meek little smile curling the corners of her mouth and thinning her lips slightly. She thumbed the smudges under her eyes and felt like she could breathe again, that ache easing. "Yeah, I want that." She said, looking down at her hands but quickly looking back up. This wasn't something to be ashamed of, she reminded herself. This was a
step in the right direction. Rory would be proud.

"We should head downstairs," She said, rubbing at her arm and feeling reality creep back in. Their parents would come looking for them soon, probably expecting them to be up to no good. They were often found arguing and either parent would be forced to step in between them before Tia took it too far. "Mum's probably expecting screaming soon," She scoffed, shaking her head, but moving towards the door. It felt fitting that they'd took the steps towards reconciliation in their brother's bedroom. Like it was ending how it started; full circle. "I just have to fix my face." Her eyes were bloodshot, skin smudged with streaky make up. "See you down there."

- END TIA

@tamara

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!