The Life You Left Behind (Irina)

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Anna sat up in her bed, for the first time looking through the things in the trunk that Lucy brought home with them. There were her letters, notes from work, books, and a journal that Anna couldn’t touch. She couldn’t read Oscar’s thoughts right now, so the journal sat at her feet while she gently touched and moved the rest of the items on her bed. She was supposed to be finding closure doing this, supposed to be able to find some sort of peace by looking through his things, but if seemed to make the pain deepen somehow.

She wasn’t crying, however. Sometime in the past few days, Anna’s tears dried up. Even if they hadn’t, she wasn’t sure she could cry anymore. Instead, there was this numb ache in her chest every time her thoughts flickered to him. She'd tried not thinking of him, trying to focus on other things, but Anna was starting to believe that was impossible. Everywhere she looked, she saw memories of Oscar. She remembered all the time they spent together last year, all the study sessions and snowball fights. All the things that she expected to enjoy for a while but were now gone.

Her only real reprieve was when she had visitors. Granted, talking about Oscar was inevitable, but it was somehow easier when she was with friends and family. She looked up when she heard a knock on her door. "Come in," Anna called, wondering who it would be this time, but looking forward to it all the same. 

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina had been at work when she had heard the news about Oscar’s disappearance, presumed death. She hadn’t heard about it from Anna herself; she imagined her friend was too distraught to even tell anyone. No, it had been one of the Weasley cousins that had found her one day in Diagon Alley. Irina had immediately rushed over to Lucy’s apartment, where Anna was staying, but Anna had not wanted to see anyone. It had been too soon, she was still processing it all. Irina’s heart broke for her friend; not knowing where Oscar was would have been bad enough, but there had been mention of the wedding ring being found? Oscar wouldn’t have parted with that willingly, and Irina’s gut told her he had met with especially foul play. She had been glad Dan wasn’t with her when she’d realized this; she had gone from sorrowful, to angry, to vengeful in a manner of seconds. His poor head would have exploded from the power emulating from her.

Finally, Anna was willing to see visitors, and Irina was first in line. She knocked on Anna’s door, and when she heard her friends tired voice answer, she flew in, a flurry of coat and scarf falling to the floor as Irina jumped onto the bed with Anna. “Anna,” she exclaimed softly, folding her arms over her friends pale frame and just holding her for a moment. “Oh Anna, I’m so sorry,” she added, not really sure what else to say in this sort of situation. They were just eighteen, so there hadn’t been a lot of death of close family members in their lives just yet. Close calls, of course, but never anything to this magnitude. “What do you need me to do for you? Anything you need, I’m here for you,” she murmured, trying to make things better for Anna in the way she knew how to; by being there for her.

@annelise

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Anna watched the door, waiting for the person to enter. Her mouth fell open when Irina rushed in. The next thing Anna knew, she was enveloped in a hug as Irina joined her on the bed. Anna froze for a moment, definitely not expecting that kind of a greeting, but then she wrapped her arms back around Irina tightly, shaking as she hugged her friend. She wasn't crying, her eyes were still dry, but she felt more emotional than she had all day. She could hear the sincerity as her friend apologized to her, but Anna couldn't talk. She just nodded against Irina, not pulling away from her. 

She started to ask what Anna needed, saying she was there for her and Anna shrugged. She didn't know what she needed. Ariadne was coming frequently to check on her and make sure she was physically on the mend, but Anna felt as though her heart would never be whole again. Oscar was nowhere to be found. She had his ring and wondered if he'd ever return. Her heart said that he was still out there somewhere, but every other part of her disagreed. Her head argued that he wouldn't leave his ring anywhere, that he wouldn't leave her for so long with no word. "I don't know," she croaked eventually, hugging her friend even tighter. Anna didn't know what she needed, or even what she wanted, other than Oscar. She wanted him back, but that wasn't something Irina could do. 

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina said nothing, but held her friend all the tighter.  She had lost Daniel for awhile there, but he had just gone back to Durmstrang.  She knew where he was, even if she didn't like it.  This wasn't like that though; they hadn't had the relationship troubles, everything had been perfect between Oscar and Anna.  She hadn't known the Beauxbatons boy well, but she knew he loved Anna deeply, and nothing would have willingly separated them like this.  She rubbed Anna's back, the way her mother had after Daniel had left.  It wasn't much, but it had helped a little, and she hoped the feeling would do the same.

After a little while, Irina finally pulled back, placing both her hands on Anna's shoulders.  "We're going to find him Anna," Irina promised, and she meant it too.  If the situation were reversed, Anna would have gone to the ends of the earth with Irina to help her.  It was the least the Krum girl could do.  "Can you...tell me what you know?  Then we can go from there."  The gears in Irina's brain were already whirling about.  She remembered when she and Lily had gone off to Wales in search of Camelots ruins, the secret they had found there.  If Irina had her mind set on something, she'd see it through.  Whatever the cost.

@annelise

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Anna felt her body start to relax as her friend hugged her. She seemed to get these small moments of respite when she was with people that cared about her. Lucy, Ariadne, Andy, Irina, Albus ... the people who loved her and were trying to be supportive of her when she wasn't even supportive of herself. She felt cold all over. Anna knew she could probably blame that on the winter chill in the air, but it was more than that. All of her felt cold, especially her heart. 

Irina eventually pulled away, saying she was going to find him and Anna shook her head, not even trying for a smile. "I already tried that, Rina. He's gone. H-his ring. It was at his camp. He wouldn't have left it there ... I don't remember seeing him take it off once since we got married. Something happened. I- I don't know if he's still-" she cut herself off, shaking her head again. Anna couldn't finish that thought. Saying he was gone was one thing. Saying out loud that she didn't know if he was still alive? She couldn't do that yet. She answered Irina's next question almost robotically as she stared at the blankets on the bed around her. "I know he disappeared. The employment office got all his work. His job was completed. Lucy and I found his campsite. There didn't seem to be a sign of a struggle. Everything was there ..." but him. Once again, she couldn't finish the thought. She shook her head, trying to force herself to calm down as her heart started beating furiously as her mind replayed everything. His ring was still in her hand. She squeezed it, closing her eyes as she took deep breaths. 

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina listened intently, but stubborn as she was, she refused to believe without a body that her best friends’ husband was dead. She wasn’t so callous that she would say those words out loud however, so she had to choose them carefully. “Perhaps...perhaps he left his ring as a clue to you?” she mused, pushing Anna’s hair out of her face to look her friend in the eye. “Sometimes, in the stories I’ve read, when people are kidnapped or captured they leave something behind to know that there’s something amiss in their disappearance,” she said slowly. “Plus, think of it this way; if you didn’t find his ring, and just an abandoned campsite, would you think worse or better outcomes?” she reasoned, hoping it didn’t set Anna off too much. Oscar was a smart man, and he knew Anna had a good support group behind her, that would help solve what had happened to him.

“Perhaps there was no sign of a struggle because he knew if he had tried, he’d be killed instantly. Perhaps he believed if he went willingly and complied, he would have a better chance of staying alive,” she added, noting to herself that an undisturbed campsite was suspicious, and supported her idea of a willing surrender even more. “We can’t give up yet Anna, Oscar is still out there,” she said, her face set in such a determined glare she’d probably give herself a bit of a scare if she looked into the mirror.

@annelise

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Anna listened as Irina spoke, but at the same time she shook her head. "I don't think I can believe that Irina. If I just keep hoping he'll come back, I'll go mad. I can't just sit here and pretend like nothing's wrong, assuming he'll come back some day." Anna also wasn't entirely certain she could deal with the results of finding Oscar now. If she actually saw him dead, she wasn't sure she would be able to recover. She was having a hard enough time now. She shrugged as Irina continued, suggesting that maybe Oscar left his ring on purpose so she'd know something was wrong. She already knew that. Him stopping writing her and not coming home was a clear sign that something was wrong. "I'd probably think the worst, Irina," Anna admitted softly. It was like what she was already doing. 

Irina continued, saying that maybe the fact that there was no sign of a struggle kept him alive. Anna would love to believe that, but she wasn't sure if she could. Could she afford to believe that Oscar was alive? Would it crush her if he never came back. Her expression crumpled as Irina insisted that they would find him. "What if we never find him? What if he's gone?" She bit her lip, "I'm scared of what I'll find if I search more for him," Anna admitted softly.

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina nodded in silence, giving her friend a squeeze on the shoulder. “You’ve never been one to just sit and hope for something to happen Anna,” she said, a small smile creeping onto her lips. Anna had been the Triwzard Champion after all, and had wanted to become an Auror for nearly as long as Irina had wanted to be a Cursebreaker. Aurors didn’t really fancy sitting around and waiting for something to happen; they were people of action.

Irina surveyed her friend, knowing what she had to say next would be difficult. “I know it’s hard, I can’t imagine just how hard, but...Anna, this isn’t you,” she said tentatively, tucking a strand of dark hair from her face. “You feel lost, but...why are you just sitting here? You and Lucy went on his trail, you found his campsite and wedding ring and...what. You’re just sitting here? That’s not you Anna,” she finished softly. She reached out and took her friends hand. “None of this is you. I think to find yourself again, heal your soul….you need to go. Find him, because nobody else would look for him like you will,” she declared, her eyes shining with emotion. She knew Anna was in a bad place right now, but she needed her friend to realize just how strong she really was, to remember herself and do what she always did - fight.

@annelise

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Anna stiffened at her friend's words. "And when hope is gone, Irina? When you've seen with your eyes and know that it's gone forever? Then what? Sit there and hope for something that will never happen?" Anna wasn't trying to be rude, or a downer, but she couldn't do it again. She couldn't go off searching for something that, if found, would break her any more than she was already broken. She wasn't sure she could bear to find Oscar's body. 

She did not like Irina's next words. Not even a little bit. Anna turned away from Irina, her expression hardening, because she couldn't let the pain take over again. She didn't want to burst into tears, to lose the tiny bit of self control she had. "You don't understand," she muttered, her voice wavering. She was starting to care less and less about how her words would be taken. "He's gone. If he left of his own free will, he would have contacted me. If someone took him, they would have given a ransom by now. He's not rich, the only thing he and I have are one another. There is no reason for anyone to keep him alive." Tears were silently flowing down her cheeks now in a constant stream. "Besides any of that, I wouldn't know where to start. We talked to all the people in the area when we were there. He didn't go anywhere else. That trail is cold." She pulled her knees up onto the mattress, pulling them up to her chest and hugging them with her arms, resting her forehead on her knees. It was easy to tell her not to lose hope, to tell Anna to keep searching, but no one who'd encouraged her to do that had brought up something she didn't already know. No one had new leads on Oscar's possible whereabouts and Anna was broken from the inside out. 

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina shook her head; she had never seen her brave friend so hopeless before. “There is always hope, even when it grows so dim you can barely see it anymore. That is when hope is most important, that is when you cannot give up.” She stood and took her friend by the shoulders, forcing her to look up. “If you cannot see that, then he is lost.”

She let go and began to pace the room, lost in her thoughts. “Until there is a body, we have to assume that he is alive. Not knowing is harder than knowing, I know, but you must keep faith. Your aunt is the Minister of Magic, and part of the Order. Surely she must know someone who can track a person when the trail goes cold,” she said out loud, mostly to herself. She had heard of thieves and catspaws who could find anything if enough Galleons were involved. The Weasley family had risen high since the time of the Second Wizarding War; they could afford it. “You are willing to do anything to get Oscar back, as I would for Daniel. Anything,” she said, emphasizing the last word so that Anna would get her point. Anything meant anything, legal or otherwise. And now was the time to turn to less honorable ways of getting what she wanted.

@annelise

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Anna didn't feel like arguing anymore. She knew Irina was trying to help, to give her hope and help her feel better, but at the moment Anna wasn't in the mood for it. She spoke about hope and how it was most important to keep people from giving up. She ended by saying that if Anna couldn't see that, then Oscar was lost. How could she not understand that it didn't matter whether or not Anna had hope, Oscar was lost? Anna could feel it. She wanted him to be out there, she wanted to find him, but there wasn't a way to do so. 

Then Irina was pacing the room, talking out loud about how they could find Oscar. She suggested that maybe Aunt Hermione could send someone who was good at finding people. Anna didn't doubt that her aunt knew such people, but would she really want to send them on something like this when more important things were happening in the world? That attack at Azkaban the other day ... Anna didn't know much about it, but she knew Prisoners had escaped. She nodded to Irina, but she likely wouldn't ask her aunt to send someone in search of Oscar. She met her friend's eyes when Irina said that Anna would do anything to get Oscar back. Anna hesitated just a moment before nodding. She would give anything to have him back, but she still wasn't sure if that was possible. "Irina," she muttered after a moment, leaning back against the pillow, "Thank you. I needed to hear all that." She felt exhausted now though. "I ... I'm sorry, but I think I need to rest for a bit," Anna said, unable to stifle a yawn. She still got easily tired. "Could we talk about this another time?" Anna wasn't trying to put it off, she just wanted to figure out her own mind, and she also needed some sleep. 

Irina Rose Krum

[Irina Rose Krum]

Irina opened her mouth to argue, then closed it with a silent nod. She had pushed Anna enough today, and it was clear her friend was emotionally and physically exhausted. “Of course Anna, I’ll let you sleep,” she said quietly. She reached over and gave her friend a reassuring hug, trying to emote that everything would be alright. Of course she could see why Anna had lost hope, but there was still a faint glimmer of it out there, Irina was sure of that. She only wished Anna could see it too. “I’m going away for a Cursebreaking mission tomorrow, but I’ll stop by once I’m back,” she told her, then smiled. “I’ll give you a tale of adventure and glory for certain,” she added, laughing a little. She dimmed the light as she left the room, then Apparated for Dan’s house. After seeing Anna in the state she was in, she just needed to be near him for an hour or so, just to calm her down. Ironically, the empath seemed to be the best at doing that for her.

fin