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last online Apr 28, 2024 5:11:35 GMT -7
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Jan 14, 2021 20:46:17 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2021 20:46:17 GMT -7
[googlefont="Roboto Condensed:400"] Dear To Hey Ilija, I don't know if you remember me but uh, my name is Alex and we met in Fortescue's during the winter break - well, my winter break. Not yours, because you're obviously an adult who doesn't go to school anymore. Anyway, I was the kid with the limp and we chatted for a bit while you scooped me out a chocolate and peanut butter ice cream. You said I could write you whenever so that's what I'm doing. I need your help. Shit, that sounds really serious. I promise it's not that bad. You're just the only other person I know, though, who kinda looks like me? Not because we have the same colour hair or whatever, but... you know, because we both walk a bit funny. Although I guess we have the whole 'Victorian ghost' complexion in common too. But I just wanted to ask you what you say when people ask what happened to your leg? I never know what to say but someone always asks me at least once a week. Regards Have a good day Thanks, Alex 213 words, @ilija ★ faiclosed doors locked in, no keys keeping my feelings hidden there is no ease
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last online Apr 28, 2024 5:11:35 GMT -7
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Jan 15, 2021 4:28:30 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2021 4:28:30 GMT -7
Hey Alex,
Thank you for writing. Your question isn't quite straightforward to answer, at least not for me. It depends on who asks and in which situation. It's impossible to ignore so I tend to tell people before they can ask to stop questions. People nornally need time to work up the guts to ask in my experience.
As for what I tell them? I just mentioned I lost my leg in a work accident years ago before shrugging. It usually stops follow up questions, but if they get pushy I tend to remind them that my leg or lack of it is none of their concern. It's up to you what you feel comfortable telling, but a bare minimum response is useful to have ready in situations where you prefer not to come across as rude.
If they are rude in asking you can always bluntly state a situation. For instance, when people bother me my reply tends to be; "It blew up, any further questions? Or did you want a step by step retelling of the situation and the rehabilitation that followed?" If they dare ask for a full retelling you can simply choose to walk away.
People have an opinion ready because of how we walk. It doesn't change anything about who we are and they only have the power of us that we grant them. Events like this change you, but most people that have been through trauma that I know became better people because of it. Don't let others threaten your confidence. They haven't fought your battles.
Please feel free to reach out with anything you find occupying your mind. If being able to help others because of what happened to me is a good thing to come of it that would bring me great comfort and solace.
Yours truly,
Ilija
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last online Apr 28, 2024 5:11:35 GMT -7
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Jan 22, 2021 17:45:39 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2021 17:45:39 GMT -7
Hey Ilija,
I don't really think you need to thank me You're welcome. Uh, for me writing you. With the whole telling people before they ask - I don't think that'll work for me. I don't really like making conversations with people, especially ones that stare like I'm holding The One Ring and not just limping down the street.
Can you help me come up with a bare minimum response that's not going to come across as rude? Because I don't know how to shut someone down without them taking it the wrong way. Also, you say walk away but what if they use a stunning spell because they really want to know or they say something nasty to your back? I've been called all sorts of shit for just existing
My family always say that going through a car crash and surviving makes me a stronger person but it doesn't feel like that. All I did was sit in the back seat and get hurt and then wake up in hospital. That doesn't make me strong - it just makes me lucky because I wasn't in the front seat. I don't think it made me a better person either - I was six when it happened… who knows how I might have turned out, but I don't think I can say definitively that I was going to turn out to be a shit person and this changed me for the 'better.'
I have another question. Does having a visible injury make you feel different? Like you'll never fit in with normal people again? Like you'll always be some sort of freak?
- Alex
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last online Apr 28, 2024 5:11:35 GMT -7
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Jan 31, 2021 9:38:03 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2021 9:38:03 GMT -7
Hey Alex,
Not everything that works for one will work for the other. I admit I fear the questions that ask what I don't want to share far more than the stares or the looks of pity when they realise I have a limp. Something always seem to change if they know the full story and it feels like they'll never see me with anything but pity. If I direct their questions I can avoid that, and I've noticed that the looks of pity have decreased since I accepted that I simply am not like them any more. They don't understand, even if they pretend they do. You'll recognise the few that do, although they might not look like us. There's always something in the eyes that you'll come to recognise.
As for suggestions on a bare minimum response? I suppose something along the lines of "I had an accident some years back that caused permanent damage, but I'd rather not talk about it." I've found it does the trick for most decent folk. If they push, just politely remind them you don't want to talk about it. If they still push they're not exactly decent folk and don't deserve more of a response than you already gave them. It's more than should be required but it can be much easier to play within the rules of society rather than the rules of common decency, since most people seem to lack that.
If they go as far as to use a stunning spell? It hasn't really happened to me, but I rarely ventured out of the town they treated me and they were all decent people. Apart from that few push me due to the reputation curse breakers have. If they push you I would advise you to tell any teachers but not to take their words to heart. It's a lot easier said than done, but sometimes there is very little we can do. Perhaps you can outgrow them, but I know I wouldn't manage so it feels unfair to suggest you should.
People will always try to make you feel better. Going through a car crash and surviving does not make you stronger by default, but they want and need to believe that it does. My personal experiences have not made me stronger at all. They hurt me deeply and I know I still haven't fully recovered from them. The only thing I will give them is that people often gain a new understanding of compassion from the pain, but only if they were compassionate to begin with. Some get more bitter and hurtful out of pain and spite. If you got more compassionate that is a compliment to the person you already were and it wasn't because of the accident that you became that. Things like the accidents we were in can complete change us and if you'd ask my family I'm sure they'd tell you I did not change for the better and I have changed a lot. They often say things to try to make you feel better about your situation, or rather, tell themselves that is why they do it. I personally believe they can't properly deal with the pain you're going through, it makes them uncomfortable. So they try to help you out while avoiding fully understanding because it scares them. Being in your shoes scares them more than they want to admit. To us? It's the painful truth of reality. We either face it or we'll break trying.
It makes me feel different, because I am. I admit it never quite bothered me, partially because it barely registered that I had a new leg at first. The trauma of the experience I went through was too intense to allow my brain to consider how having a prosthetic made me different. By the time I came around to realising it I couldn't bother to care. I didn't feel like I'd ever fit in with normal people again, the leg didn't change that. It was nothing but a physical representation of what changed. I didn't consider myself to be able to be normal ever again. My personal situation didn't allow for me to focus much on the opinion of others, which saves me from worrying about it. People see I'm different and most thread with some caution. In a way it has made things easier, as people are more likely to leave me alone because they don't want to be confronted by my trauma. I personally like it that way.
The truth is we are different Alex. The only question is up to which point you're able to accept that. I came to terms with the leg, but not with the events that caused me to lose it. Everything takes time, but I can't tell you how much is normal. I haven't figured that part out yet.
I hope this helps at least a little. Please keep writing.
Yours truly,
Ilija.
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