Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2021 1:52:02 GMT -7
template by punki of adoxography
days go by, mountains bend
amplified, i'll defend
2020
’ Breath. Clear your mind. Calm yourself. I can hear your heart beating from here.’ Leo did as he was told, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, attempting to calm the rapid thoughts in his head. That part was difficult on its own, even after all these months of practicing. When he had first begun to practice this skill on his friend’s advice, well ‘advice’ was a light way of putting it. Even after a few years of working with one another, Cas insisted that Leo practice this with a friend if they were to work together. Leo couldn’t say that he ever saw himself helping smuggle artifacts when he had been told that he was a Wizard at the age of almost eleven. Or even when he wasn’t actively participating in his life in the Wizarding World, he would spend hours on the web honing his technical skills. It was easier to control one’s minds, thoughts, and feelings behind a keyboard than it ever was when someone could look you in the eye. He hid behind his reports and employee files stacked high on his desk at the Ministry, lamenting why he had ever chosen such a life where technology was not utilized to simplify the process.
Leo took another deep breath. It was difficult to even with months of practice and training to discipline the array of thoughts he’d grown up with. The constant questioning of one-self and anxiety that seeped through the cracks of the walls he built. The addiction to fighting authority and pushing through in his own way. It had been a reason Curse Breaking had attracted him, the freedom and the independence and the chance to not be the useless namesake his father thought him to be. But he couldn’t think of that now. The emotion he felt leaving his sisters behind, almost permanently at this point, was a strong emotion he knew would be challenging to block out if he didn’t stop it in its tracks. ’Ready?’ He was asked, and Leo opened his eyes and nodded. This was the warm-up. They always did this, though it was part of the process that was being skipped more and more. But Leo felt determined. Despite all the qualms about him and his ability to amount to anything, he was perfectly capable of succeeding. The only roadblocks set before him were the ones he created in his own mind. Such as the one that was still there from his last Curse Breaking excursion, the one that had injured him to the point of convincing him that it wasn’t meant to be.
It was a mountain he was still climbing as his confidence had been shaken from the weak foundation he had built for it. Leo stared at the wand that was pointed at him and prepared, staying focused and ignoring the bead of sweat that rolled down his temple. They’d been here for some time, and he knew he was getting stronger despite the mental fatigue he would feel after this. The disadvantage he had at the moment was that his teacher could perform the spell non-verbally, leaving Leo to wonder when it would hit him. As his mind started to wander, he felt the attack. He clenched his jaw tight and closed his eyes as he felt the familiar feeling of poking, crawling, and probing into his mind. Searching for the memories which elicited the most emotion from him. He watched as a memory of his father shoving him as a boy began to materialize in the center of his thoughts, but he pushed hard to force it away. Leo was able to as he remembered to breathe and focus on what he wanted to be shown, what he wanted to be thought.
His father’s reminder only made the unwelcome intrusion that much worse as it was naturally linked to the memories of his mothers, his sisters, and only brother. Another bead of sweat traveled slowly from his hairline down the other side of his face. Though the effort he exerted was great, it was much more comfortable than when he first began, and he had to fight the feeling of disappointment in himself and the feeling of being so…exposed. There was a feeling of being violated, of being naked when you were so untrained to protect yourself. It was another motivation for why he pushed so hard. He never wanted to feel that again and admit his thoughts and the things that he knew. Leo’s face showed an expression of great effort as if he was physically pushing something large and heavy up a steep incline using his bare strength, but the only source of strength he had at the moment was his mind and whatever sheer will power he could muster. The intruder shifted directions and went toward whatever Leo had archived of the employee files he handled day in and day out, and this gave him a bit of panic.
There was a lot of sensitive information he was privy to and even with those that were never hired by the Ministry as he was responsible for clearing their backgrounds. On the surface, some applications seemed just fine and perfectly suited for the role they were seeking, but extra digging was easy enough to do, and any information could be found if one searched the right way, like hacking, but on parchment. The emotion he felt was not a limiting one. He now felt more focused as he pushed the intruder in a different direction. ’Nothing to see here.’ He focused as he gave one final push and then let out a heavy breath as he dropped to one knee. Leo hadn’t realized he had held his breath toward the end and was now trying to calm himself as he looked up at his teacher with focused eyes and a determined look despite the rapid rising and falling of his chest to catch his breath. There was an amused look on his face, but also one of…pride? A look he wasn’t used to, despite the patience he had taken with Leo, there were always snippy comments and words, and it had been a flashback to his father.
’Very good’. He said as he stood up straight in his normal rigid posture and, after putting his wand back in his jacket pocket, putting his hands behind his back in a distinguished pose. Leo stood up, feeling as though he’d caught his breath despite how fast his heart was beating now. It had been a long day, and though physically and mentally exhausted, he felt…good. He’d pushed him out, the intruder, and spared him the shame and embarrassment of letting his thoughts be exposed and especially those containing sensitive information that was worth his job. There was a sense of accomplishment, a sense of control he’d always sought, and he knew he could handle this new dual role he would hold. The Ministry employee charged with ensuring their employees were free of unsightly blemishes on their records. They could portray the integrity that the Ministry demanded of its employees while on the other end, he was creating a life for himself, undermining the very standard he was supposed to hold himself and others too. This type of subversion was exciting, addicting. Occlumency would help him achieve those desires and help attack while only being an almost invisible cog in the machine.
