And I wanted him to kiss me ¦ Julian

[Deleted]

Her plans had been set pretty well in stone for the last few weeks. She would go to the library and hang out with Julian, skipping dinner and then go to invade the kitchen afterwards. Well, really they were there to study, but surprisingly she had grown to sort of look forward to seeing him in the evenings. Surprisingly fond of looking at his face at all really. He hadn't exactly warmed to her, or been all that happy to spend time with her, but still he came to their study sessions most nights as he had nothing else to do apparently. Isa was enjoying spending her evenings stealing glancing at him here and there. However, always only when she knew he was too engrossed in something to catch her. Only when she knew she was safe enough to stare. The one time he had caught her staring and had annoyingly asked why she was looking, she had been able to fob him off and tell him he had fluff in his hair, lying and saying he had successfully been able to get it out on the first attempt, to only then hurriedly look back to her book and silently scold herself. She had all but prayed that he hadn't noticed how her cheeks had flared red right then, or how she seemed to lose all the air in her lungs when he leaned in to specifically ask her about something. That seemed to be happening more often. Maybe he had noticed and was doing it on purpose. It seemed something like the dick move he would pull. She tried to not let it affect her so much, but his eyes got her every time.

Every time his hauntingly gorgeous eyes looked her way she felt them bore into her, and then her mind lost all reasoning. It was times like that she let her gaze dip down to his lips instead, and her mind would wander to think about what they felt like.

And then she'd force herself to get a grip on herself. This was Julian Banagher. He hated everyone. He had been in no way nicer to her than anyone else, or given her any indication of liking her as a human at all. And yet here she was, crushed by him.

Skipping dinner had been her first mistake. Her next mistake had been the fact she had decided that she would for once take lulu anne blishwick 's offer up and experiment with some of the booze she had somehow pilfered and hid under her bed. Her third mistake had been her tipsy mind thinking it would be a good idea to break out of her dorm, especially after Lulu agreed it was a good idea when she said 'I think I gotta go find him'. The vagueness had left Lulu stumped and intrigued, but she had still be pretty encouraging all the same. When she had burst into the main area of the common room, her eyes roved wildly around the couches and chairs to try and locate him. Her heart began to flop when she realised he might actually be locked away in his dorm room like she had tried to do. Except he wasn't. There he was, tucked away on one of the smaller loveseat couches, preoccupied with folding up little bits of paper. Weird but not surprising. Julian was weird.

It only took Isa a few seconds to uncharacteristically skip across the common room and stand in front of him, peering down at him. "Hi..." Stifling a giggle, she bit her lip before she decided it would be a great idea to throw herself down on the couch next to him. Giggling under her breath like only a truly wasted white girl could, she kicked her shoes off and curled her legs up under herself to get comfortable. "Whatya doin?" shuffling closer to him, definitely too close for his comfort (but inhibitions be damned)she stretched to peer closer at the little pieces of paper.

@julian

[Deleted]

Julian had always been something of a loner, but since being bitten, it was possible that he'd become even more of one. He could already hear his mother in the back of his head telling him that it wouldn't kill him to actually have some friends. He made a face at the thought. Like he could make friends with Slytherins, who were probably all just a couple of steps removed from goddamn purifiers. 

Still, the principle that he needed friends wasn't inherently wrong, unfortunately.

But just because he needed friends didn't mean that he had any friends. If anything, the only person that he saw with any regularity outside of classes was Isa, and spending time with Isa made him feel like his skin was crawling. 

Okay, maybe that was a little bit of an over-exaggeration. Isa wasn't exactly the same as other Slytherins. She seemed to have a real interest in doing something with her life and not just sitting around and spending her family's considerable wealth.

Julian had had a lot of time to form opinions about his fellow Slytherins. 

He was, however, very caught off guard when Isa plopped herself down next to him. It wasn't like they'd really acknowledged each other outside of their weekly transfiguration study sessions. Even weirder still, he was in the middle of cutting up the pages in a herbology textbook he'd decided was useless to him and making the pages into paper cranes. Why was she so goddamn close to him? 

"Origami," Julian grunted, setting down another bird besides the pile that he'd been forming for the past hour. "Didn't think we were talking outside of study time." 

@isabeau

[Deleted]

Isa's eyes were glassy as she watched him, a clear indicator that some sort of substance had been consumed, but then she hadn't exactly realised that yet. All the same, her eyes were full of excitement and mischief. She knew whatever lulu anne blishwick had given her was what had made her so emboldened, but still. She didn't hate it. Maybe, rather, it was just the thing she had actually needed.

Origami. Although she nodded, she was none the wiser about what it actually was. But at the same time, it wasn't like she was going to ask further and risk looking stupid. There was a slight furrow in her brows at the fact it was a Herbology book he was cutting up to use, her favourite subject, but still; the way his fingers worked quickly and carefully to fold over the paper so precisely was intriguing her. Leaning around him, she reached out and plucked up one of his already finished Cranes to admire it, eyes focused there a soft and hazy smile formed on her lips. "They're lovely" eventually she muttered, giving him a sideways glance. 

Half leaning back in to him again, the small smile still played on her lips. Even if his comment had cut her just a little, she tried not to let it get to her. In this state she had no worries, and if any thoughts did come to her, they floated away just as quickly as they had surfaced. "Maybe we weren't I guess. It doesn't mean we can't though." With a nonchalant shrug, she now trained her gaze directly at him, a part of her irritated that he continued his folding and still hadn't really looked at her properly. It made it hard to read him. Her tone dropped just slightly, becoming more sincere.

"Maybe I want to hang out with you" Eyes that had been transfixed with his careful folding now moved to his inscrutable face, watching for any little hint of a reaction in his unreadable features. Despite the banned substance Lulu had given her coursing through her her veins, her inhibitions were beginning to creep back in and with it, a heavy heart. Maybe this whole thing had been a bad idea. Maybe she should just leave him alone. As alluring and seductive as he was to her maybe in his mind maybe they were never meant to be seen outside the library together. Maybe he would hate the fact she has approached him at all. 

After a moment she spoke in an even more quiet tone. "I can leave if you want Ju" 


@julian

[Deleted]

Julian paused for a moment and raised an eyebrow at Isa. For Isa to describe the cranes that he was making out of his textbook as 'lovely' felt...strange. In that it was kind of weird, but kind of nice at the same time. Though definitely kind of weird, considering that Isa was the kind of student that professors recommended tutor other students. One would have thought that she would have been against the wanton destruction of textbooks. 

He almost dropped the paper that he was working on at what she said next. Well - not at what she said as much as what she was doing when she said it, skipping across the common room and cuddling up to him like the two of them were friends. Though friends might not have been the right word, now that he was thinking about it. 

He held the paper crane gingerly and put it down on the table. He took a deep breath and turned to face her. 

"What are you saying right now?"

If he was anyone else, maybe he wouldn't have to ask. But, he was acutely aware of the fact that he was a werewolf, and that people treated him differently as a result. Maybe Isa didn't mean what she was actually saying. Maybe someone had even put her up to it in some bizarre way to try and humiliate him.

"I know we don't uh...know each other well, but uh..."

He wanted to say 'this doesn't seem like you,' but the words died in his throat. The truth of the matter was that he didn't know Isa very well - not really. Not in any way that would have made him more likely to know what she would or wouldn't do.

@isabeau

[Deleted]

As Julian set down his next Crane, Isa reached forward and gingerly snapped it up, adding to the collection she was forming on her lap. He didn't know it, or rather believe it, but she did indeed think they were rather lovely. They would be added to the grouping of precious things in the drawer in her bedside table that nobody knew about. One may even be left sitting atop to look at more frequently. It was something, had she been sensible, she probably wouldn't have done. She didn't need anymore reason to have Julian Banagher playing on her mind, and yet, later she'd welcome it.

He was lost in his craft, until he wasn't.

Spotting him falter, she inhaled sharply and bit down on her lip, cursing herself for causing it. Even more so when he actually directly addressed her. When he looked rather pointedly at her, her lungs did that thing again when they seemed to have the air sucked out of them and it made it pretty hard to recover. The Firewhiskey had emboldened her, but it's affect were short lived for the amount she had sucked back with Lulu, and now she was realising what a bad idea this had been. Slowly, her body began to stiffen to it's usual rigid state, and the carefree fog that had clouded her mind had started to lift. There was something still relaxed and serene about her, and at first she didn't move. She knew she was probably too close to him for it to be accepted as the social norm, but, she didn't move.

"I'm saying I want..." her voice was soft, but it had started with a little more confidence. Meeting his gaze had caused it to sort of trickle away to nothing though. The way his gaze was trained on her, it felt like he'd never looked at her so intently. Well without needing to ask a direct question about something they had been studying. If she had been honest with him, if she had had the confidence, she would have laughed and been able to tell the truth; in that moment she wanted him to kiss her. She wanted to lean up and close the very short distance between them. Maybe then she would stop wondering what his lips felt like when she lay in bed at night, listening to the snores of her dormmates. Perhaps then she'd know what he tasted like, or if his hair was as soft as it seemed. Sometimes she hated him for what an idiot he made of her, how he made her melt, but then she'd find herself seeking him out at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall at mealtimes and forget all about that.

When he started to speak again, she was reminded of the fact that she hadn't actually given him any sort of answer. Too wrapped up in her internal struggle of wanting to kiss him, and wanting to control herself and not give in. In one way, she was sure he still hated her. He only met her most evenings for something to do and even then, he had never been outwardly kind or said anything nice to her. Julian Banagher had shown very little signs of wanting any sort of friendship outside of the library, and now he seemed downright uncomfortable and unsure of why she was suddenly here sitting with him. Did she want a friendship with him? Perhaps. She only really had lulu anne blishwick as a companion when she wasn't busy with Quidditch or whatever. Julian didn't seem the type to want friends, and yet, Isa had found herself wanting to spend an awful lot of time with him. Realising she had been dithering, and Julian only seemed to be getting more uncomfortable in the silence, she cleared her throat and decided to do probably the ballsiest thing she had done in her life; she acted on her own wants.

Shifting her legs for a moment she moved to lean up and meet him. As she pressed her lips to his she tried to be gentle and not too full on, but it was still a messy melding, and the more she realised it was actually pretty nice, the harder it was to have any sort of self control. Digging her fingers into her own thighs was the only way she could stop herself reaching up and touching him. She didn't entirely want to stop herself, but she knew she had to. He was probably going to loathe her entirely anyway, there was no need to add fuel to the fire and make him hate her even more.

@julian

[Deleted]

Julian had kissed girls before. He'd kissed boys before. Usually muggles, who had no way to know that he was a wizard, let alone a werewolf, that he could never see again without too much trouble. It had been a long time since he'd actively let himself crush on another Hogwarts student, and certainly, even longer than he'd let himself crush on a Slytherin. He might have been a Slytherin himself, but they couldn't be trusted. Not once they knew what he was.

And yes, Isa was pretty. She was smart. She was even pretty hardworking and resourceful. He admired that. A lot of Slytherins weren't, in his experience, preferring to get by in life based on their family connections alone. But, he had never let himself think that she might actually kiss him, not in a million years. 

Maybe the smart thing would have been to excuse himself, and then to avoid Isa as much as possible, so that the kiss would never be brought up again. 

Instead, he furrowed his brow. He didn't move from the couch. "Why...why did you do that?"

It wasn't that he didn't want it to happen again. In fact, it was a nice kiss. He definitely wouldn't have minded it happening a second time, or even a third. But the fact of the matter was that people like him and people like Isa didn't kiss. It just didn't happen. 

@isabeau

[Deleted]

As Julian drew back, Isa was floating on cloud nine. Well, for all of two seconds until the reality of what she had done actually set in. With that, her stomach dropped and she became acutely aware of what she had actually done. "Shit.." She spat out, annoyed with herself for actually giving in.

"I just..." Flashing her eyes to meet his, she was clearly in a panic. Why had she done that? Why had she been so stupid and yielded to her urges. But then again, it had been nice to confirm the fact that his lips were in fact as soft as she thought they might be. Her eyes held his gaze for another split second. Before glancing away, her porcelain cheeks filling with colour. "I don't really know why I did that. I really really don't know. I just...." Still nibbling on her bottom lip she was very aware of the fact she probably should have chosen this moment to slink away, and not be stuck to the seat like she was. Her body had, at least, had the good sense to recoil so she wasn't sitting quite so close. Searching around for something to say, her cheeks flushed a deeper red; her mortification made even more real by the fact she had to own up what she had done and admit it. Her lips parted again when she finally found herself able to come up with something; The Truth.

"I just really wanted to. I don't know.." After a millisecond pause, she launched into an uncomfortable ramble in a quiet tone. "I just really wanted to kiss you. Like quite a lot. You're really nice to look at. And you don't hate me like you used to, or at least I don't think so. I don't know...you probably do." Now frowning deeper, she was seriously starting to doubt herself. Her brain was screaming internally to stop being such a stupid bitch and get up and move her legs, and yet she stayed stuck where she was, caught like a Deer in headlights. "And I wanted to know what you tasted like. I've been wondering for a while I guess. Wow that sounds really weird. Sorry. Though your lips are as nice as I thought they might be. Anyway, I mean, you probably still hate me. Or hate me more after that. I don't know. Probably. I'm sorry. Don't hate me." Taking a quick sharp breath, she exhaled just as quickly.

"I'm sorry. I should probably just leave you alone.." And yet, her legs still wouldn't move. Tilting her head back, she closed her eyes and balled her fists up rubbing them into the sockets. Silently she cursed herself for being such an idiot.

@julian

[Deleted]

"It's okay," he said, giving her a shrug. "You don't have to - "

His words died on his lips. He wasn't quite sure what to say when he looked at her. He realized all of a sudden that he was very much out of his depth. He was distinctly aware of the fact that nobody had ever been nervous around him before. Nobody ever seemed to like him as much as Isa did. Or maybe they had, but they had never told him, that was certain.

He furrowed his brow. "I don't hate you, I just..." Didn't get it? Why would someone like him? Why would someone be thinking about kissing him? It seemed utterly inconceivable.

"Please don't be upset. You don't have to be upset." He said, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. "People don't like me, that's all."

And that couldn't have been a surprise to Isa, he thought. He was a werewolf. He could be surly, mean, and standoffish. He didn't have any friends, and if he had, he would have driven them away a long time ago. "I just don't know why you would like me, that's all," he said weakly, chewing on his lip.

@isabeau

[Deleted]

Only delighted that he hadn't in fact agreed and told her to piss off, she nodded quietly and accepted the fact, with only a small amount of wonder at why. Opening her eyes to look at him again, all she could do now was listen in an awkward silence as he stuttered out half formed sentences and try to shape some sort of reply in her mind.

When he actually reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, there was another noiseless sharp intake of breath. That had been even less excepted. Of course when she had watched him in the library before, she had wished and hoped he would touch her in some way. Even if he never did, the closest they got was when he leaned closer to ask her something, like it was nothing. It wasn't nothing to her, but to Julian it likely was.

He didn't hate her, okay that was something she guessed. Nibbling at her lip again, it was impossible to stop her cheeks flushing as she met his gaze again. "I'm not upset. I just....feel like a total idiot." trying to brush it off she shrugged. "That was stupid of me and out of line to do I guess. I'm sorry, I won't do it again." Her tone was quiet and apologetic. She meant it, she'd try to have way more control next time. If there was to be a next time at all. As it stood it was unlikely, but anyway. The fact he seemed so utterly baffled by the fact someone might be attracted to him made Isa laugh unintentionally. It was an almost inaudible escape of her breath as she rolled her eyes and then settled back to look at him, forcing herself to shift and put some distance between them on the couch. For a moment she was quiet, as if working out what to say, forming her words as she looked down and pulled at a thread from her tights.

"Why shouldn't I? I guess I didn't really want to at first. I sort of hated the fact I was stuck with you because Zabini said I had to try help you. I hold grudges. I try not to but i don't always forget things, and like, laugh at me if you want but it still hurts when I remember you made me cry in first year. But..." her mouth was growing dry and the words were even drying up for a moment, before she forced herself to push on. "I don't know. I sort of just grew to like spending time with you Julian. Even if you didn't want to be there. I sort of like your company. I like that you sit quietly and let me read or whatever, but it's just sort of nice knowing you're there. Even if we don't talk much or anything. Even if you hate being there with me..." trailing off, she wasn't quite sure what else to say for a moment.

"Also even if you don't care, you probably have caught me staring at you. Actually I know you have at least once actually." With a dry laugh her cheeks flushed again. "You're quite nice to look at y'know. You're sort of attractive. To me anyway" on that point she definitely avoided his gaze. Already mortified, she didn't need to see her reaction to that. After another moment of quiet contemplation she shrugged again, and spoke even quieter. Just enough for him to hear.

"You think you're this big bad wolf Julian but you're not. People don't hate you because you're a Werewolf. Well I don't anyway. You were a bit of a dick anyway before you turned." Taking a breath she tried to downplay what she was saying by taking another small shrug.

"So...that doesn't really matter to me I guess. I don't know...I just feel sort of...drawn to you and I don't really know why myself..." This was the most she had spoken aloud in a long time; a drunk heart was speaking her sober mind and she was becoming acutely aware of that. Pushing her lips together, she trailed off and pointedly continued to avoid his gaze, unsure of if she wanted to see his reaction or not. "Push me away all you want, but I do actually quite like you..." Eventually she gave a rather lame shrug to let him know she was finished making her point and hadn't much else to say on the point.

@julian

[Deleted]

It would have been nice, he thought, if he could shove Isa away and have her go away forever. Then maybe, he could have slid back into total apathy. Nobody but Isa made a real effort to try and know him--and maybe nobody ever would. Maybe, just maybe, it was better that way, because he'd been cursed the moment that he'd been bitten and the fewer people that he dragged down with him, the better.

He furrowed his brow when she said that she wouldn't do it again. Something in his chest felt like it twisted. "I..I don't know," he shrugged. "I don't know that that's what I want. I mean, it's fine if that's what you want, but. I don't know." And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? He wanted her to kiss him again. But he also didn't. He wanted to know Isa better and let her know him better, and he also wanted to to travel to the furthest edge of the earth and make sure that he never spoke to another human being as long as he lived.

He cleared his throat, looking down at his hands. "I don't...I don't hate being there with you at all, actually. I mean, just so you know." He shrugged again. "It's...kind of nice, actually? I don't know." 

He did know--it was nice to be there with someone who wasn't afraid of him. Who treated him, more or less, like he was anyone else. He let out a laugh. "I guess you're right about that. At least, a little bit." He knew that there were certainly plenty of students at the school that turned away from him when they saw him coming down the corridors and whispered about him when they thought he wasn't listening--and none of them had known him before he'd been turned.

"Say I do...like you. What happens now?" 

@isabeau

[Deleted]

Now rather interested in a pull in the couch material, her eyes stayed down, avoiding him. Frozen, she barely took a breath as she listened to the heavy silence now stretching out after her closing argument.

Although she had been waiting for it, when Julian finally did speak, she wasn't sure she was quite ready for it. As he went on to clear his throat, she took another slow inhale; concentrating on a moment just on drawing her breath in and now collapsing inward. For a moment, her fingers nails stopped picking at the thread she'd been pulling from the seat cushion and she concentrated on his words; not entirely sure she was actually hearing them. Feeling her stomach twisting into a knot, she shifted slightly in her seat, still avoiding his gaze. A stabbing discomfort wrenched at her gut; this wasn't for real. Surely not.

With a pause she pushed her lips together and opened her mouth to speak. Her breath hitched for a moment, unable to conjure up the words. "Julian.." her tongue darted out and she paused again to steady her breathing. "Please don't make fun of me again. I'm sorry I said that. I shouldn't have, I just-" Her cheeks flushed and some voice in her brain told her to run. But her legs were like stone; heavy and unmoving. Eventually she began to push herself to stand.

"I'm sorry Ju..." she began in an even smaller voice. "Just...just forget I said anything please.... The last thing she needed was this brought up and thrown in her face a little down the line. She should have just left things the way they were. It was easier to watch him and want from afar, rather than be despised and detested from so close. Now standing in front of him, she felt unsteady as her pale cheeks filled with even more colour. She was stuck to that spot on the floor like her body was waiting for some sort of stupid dismissal from him.


@julian