Too Little, Too Late (Alix)

[Deleted]

Schoolyear 2014/2015

Gus woke groggily that morning, having heard the faint knocking on his door before he was fully awake. Little Phillipe had left his lap somewhere during the night and ran off again. Gus felt groggy and barely had the quickness of mind to hide the cigarettes he'd stolen and smoked the night before. He did though, because if his father found out he'd be in a world of trouble. He'd been breaking too many rules already and he knew he was in a lot of trouble. He groaned slightly to acknowledge the person at the door and shoved his poor guitar out of the way with his foot as he walked over to the door and opened it.

Maybe he should have known it'd be Alix. She was easily the one person in his family that was left that he felt close to. Easily the only person left on earth that he felt close to. He had his friends at school of course but between his antics of late he couldn't help but wonder how many would stick around for him. He'd learned that over the years, that people left when you showed them you were not okay. How many friends had their mother lost because they didn't want to deal with her sickness? And now she was gone and those same people had been there as she'd been put into the gorund, crying and saying how much of a tragedy it was.

Wordlessly, he opened the door and walked further back into his room, knowing his sister would likely enter and close the door behind her. They'd been born so close together that it had always felt like they shared something secret. He didn't know what, but it was something they both understood. He looked at his sister. "Did Aymeric leave already? Or is he still here?" Gus asked, his voice mostly uncertain. He felt angry with their older brother, but at the same time he needed his brother. Their father was clearly overcome with grief and all in all very... useless. He should have been there, but all Gus had noticed yesterday was silence. All there was when he needed his mom was silence. His dad didn't comfort him, his brother didn't seek him out to comfort him. Maybe they'd been busy with comforting Alix, which was really the only acceptable reason, but one of them could have come to help him, right? Why hadn't they? Maybe their brother went back to his girlfriend. He had been busy building a life lately, or whatever. Gus just felt it like a stab in the back, like Aymeric had abandoned them. Then again, he'd always been dramatic.

@alix

[Deleted]

TW: grief/death

The person in the mirror felt so very foreign and external to Alix as she ran a comb through her long, dark locks. The young girl knew that she was the one moving the comb, yet her mind couldn't connect it to the moving picture she saw before her. That person was a ghost, a horrible spectre of a person - their eyes were red and swollen yet the rest of the face was void of colour - even the lips seemed to be a pale lilac colour rather than rosy pink. Alix didn't want to look too close though, as every moment that passed she realised she looked more dead inside than her mother had as they'd closed the casket.

The casket.

A new wave of stabbing pains in Alix' chest brought stinging tears to her cheeks of that painful memory. At least yesterday the crowd of mourners had kept Alix too busy to feel too much but this morning she was all alone. Sitting at her mother's dressing table, her fingers began to work her hair into a loose side braid and she was reminded of the fact that she'd never feel Adriana do her hair again. This was not helpful. Would her eyes just please stop leaking? For five minutes?

Alix decided to leave her parent's room, with her Papa's stuffed-nose snoring finally being closed behind the large door. She travelled up the hallway to her brother's room, unaware of her own footfalls but somehow there she stood, in her pyjamas and knocking on the door. The sound felt like something that you heard underwater - vaguely aware that it was happening but a million miles away. Somewhere in her haze, Alix did recognise the noise behind the door of her brother moving. The door opened and Alix's heart lept because for the weirdest, briefest moment she thought her mother was to open the door. Alix bit her bottom lip when it was just Gus.

"No, everyone is still here," except our mother the painful end to her sentence didn't need to be voiced aloud. They both knew it, even if Alix' brain was having a hard time accepting the truth. The youngest of the Courtemanche children stepped into her brother's room and closed the door behind her, wrinkling her nose at the stench in the room. Even through her stuffed nose, Alix found the tobacco overwhelming. She looked at the cigarette burn in the carpet and frowned. Hopefully their elder brother could fix that for Gus before their Pa saw.

"How are you, Gus?" she asked, "... I ..." Alix found that all words had disappeared from her vocabulary in both French and English. "I miss mamman," Alix said in a small voice, the legs that had carried her from her mother's dressing table to Gus' room finally gave way beneath her. Thankfully, it just so happened that they'd carried her over to Gus and she had wrapped her arms around him in a hug just in time. "... I tried to braid my hair, like she did but ... I didn't pay enough attention, Gus." That wasn't true, Alix had always paid so much attention that girls would come to her at school to have their hair done when they wanted to look super pretty. Yet now everything just fell flat. She dug her face into her brother's chest and sobbed.

@auguste

[Deleted]

For some reason Alix had always been a sort of soothing influence to Gus' moods and temper. Whenever she was around he felt less... extreme, emotionally. The end of the world seemed to be on hold for just a moment and the pain a little more dull and bearable. Without his sister he truly felt as though he had nothing left, even if he knew he still had friends at school and people that cared about him. Alix was the one person in the world outside their mother that somehow calmed him. That made him feel so much more capable. Now he felt crippled and completely powerless because no matter how he felt around their mother, he hadn't actually been enough. He hadn't been able to save her and seeing his sister was painful. Luckily he was the one in the family that took after their mother most in appearance but even the more gentle reminders that Alix' face held when one compared her to their mother hurt Gus. He stood with a stiffness in his frame that was abnormal and he was unusually tense, but she stepped into the room regardless. It didn't matter, not really. She was always welcome, no matter how lost and torn he felt. She was his last lifeline.

He noticed the little frown and the momentary distaste as she clearly smelt the cigarettes he'd been smoking. Disgusting and distasteful, but they did help calm his nerves. Or maybe he just told himself that as an excuse to clog up his lungs with the filth of whatever was in those things. It seemed like the perfect mixture of reward and punishment to him in the moment, although he didn't quite feel it now. He just felt sad and powerless, which wasn't something he was all too fond of. Alix was soon asking how he was and said she missed their mom. His face strained in pain for a short moment yet his arms didn't falter in catching his little sister and hugging her when her feet fell out from under her. "I know Lixy...." He muttered softly to her. "I miss her too." His words were soft but genuine and as he tried to convey all he felt he realised he couldn't. He couldn't convey or express that utterly empty feeling that their mothers dead had left behind. He slightly awkwardly petted her back. "I'll braid it for you. We might not have mom but at least we have each other. It's got to count for something, right?" He said in a very soft voice, barely above a whisper. Then he guided her softly to a chair and sat her down. "I don't really know how to braid, but mom said I was okay with the piano... that's also nimble finger work...." He muttered as he looked at her hair. He was pretty sure that anything she did would be a thousand times better than what he pulled off but it was the thought that counted in this moment.

He sighed for a moment, knowing he could never live up to the standards their mom had set in so many ways. He ran his fingers through her hair, attempting to divide it for a simple braid. It was the best he could hope to do anyway. He paused for a moment. "I'm kind of scared... Aymeric isn't going to stay... I think he's going to run off back to whatever he has abroad and dad hasn't really spoken to me at all since mom...." He paused for a moment, not able or wanting to say it. "..left." He finished in the end. It felt much less permanent that way. He growled in a low tone for a moment. "I still keep hoping she'll come back. Every time I think I hear a piano I expect to see her sitting there again, just... playing, like she used to. And then it's just quiet so I want to play, just to make sure it's not so quiet. Like maybe if I learn to play the piano like she did, she'll come back...." It was a ridiculous notion of course, but he was determinded to try anyway. If it didn't bring back her person, at least it might bring back some memories, right?

@alix

[Deleted]

Perhaps it was because of the stuffed sinuses that Alix's hearing was off, but as she fell into her brother's arms and he embraced her the words that he spoke felt like they came from farther away. Normally Auguste's voice was like her favourite lullaby yet the words sounded hollow and lifeless and cold. He missed her too, that sentence ran shivers down her spine and the little pre-teen wasn't able to mask it from the boy who held her as if he was not the one falling apart. Her hug got tighter, or at least she thought it did but it probably wasn't so much when he stroked her back. A small sob escaped her tiny body - one that she'd kept inside her all throughout the formalities of the day before because sobbing wasn't something that respectable little French girls did.

Alix burrowed her head further into the nape of Gus' neck when he said that they had each other still. It was a messy exercise, but it gave her a moment to reconnect her brain and her mouth to form appropriate replies. She wanted to tell him that they had Meric, they had Papa, that Mamman had them too but it wasn't enough. "I love you, Gus, please... please..." don't ever leave me she finished her sentence in her mind as her tongue felt too heavy in her mouth and she choked on it. Why, at her tender age did she have to think of people choosing to leave? She felt a fresh sob coming up when he offered to do her braids and she weakly went with him when Gus steered her to sit down.

"Mamman always smiled when you were playing the piano,,,,,," Alix replied, closing her sore and puffy eyes as the boy ran his nimble fingers through her hair. She didn't try to imagine it was her mamman, there was too much pain there. She took so much comfort in her brother caring for her that her breathing calmed down and the sobs dissipated. It didn't matter that he was dividing her hair up wrong, but when Gus said that he was scared, Alix turned to look back over her shoulder at him and reached to put her hand over his. "I ... think you're right about Meric. Maybe if I ask him to stay...?" she said, almost squeaky like a mouse. "I am scared of what Papa will do without Mamman... I'm not ..." I'm scared of what you'll do. She squeezed the hand when he growled and pushed it gently against her wet cheek.

"Gus... do you think you could play something on the piano? Maybe... maybe teach me mamman's... favourite? Or .... or no, we can make something... together? you and... and me," Alix looked up at her brother with red, glassy puppy dog eyes that she'd perfected in the past decade of her life. It had always worked on Papa to get what she wanted, but if she saw how sore those eyes of hers looked then she'd probably realise that they weren't up to their full manipulative potential. "Before you turn my hair into big old knots?" she attempted to joke, letting his hand go to feel the braid he'd worked on.

@auguste

[Deleted]

It seemed that no matter his efforts, Alix understood him better. Alix knew him far too well to even consider the fact he was okay. Even at school he'd constantly been distracted with the fear of what had actually happened. He'd been on his best behaviour until they got the news but his attention had been long since gone, from the start of the year he hadn't been able to sit through a single class without his mind wandering off to their mother. Alix saw it all the time, she noticed it and endured his moods when they got bad. Now that their mother was gone? The little that was left of his composure had fractured completely and anger and guilt fought endlessly for supremacy in his mind. At times they merged into a nearly comforting mix of self loathing and he experienced a moment of peace from the onslaught of emotions.

He gripped her a little tighter at her plea. "I promise I'll do anything and everything we can think up to avoid leaving you behind." He swore and he meant every single word. It wasn't exactly a promise not to leave her as he knew in his heart he couldn't make that in good faith. He could promise that he'd do whatever it would take to avoid it but he had to trust their mother had also done all she could. Their mother hadn't so much chosen this, right? It was hard to convince himself of that. But if he'd stayed, he could have saved her, right? He could have stopped her and made sure that Alix wouldn't be going through this. He could have kept their father from shutting down completely, surely? Maybe even have stopped Meric from running to another country just so he wouldn't have to be around the pain of their home? There had to be something he could have done. There was surely something he should have done, right? It simply couldn't be that nothing either of them could have done wouldn't have changed anything! But Alix was far too young to carry such a burden.

Alix mentioned that his mother had always smiled when he'd played the piano. He felt that stab of guilt in his gut again. Maybe if he'd stayed home, played for her more, maybe he could have saved her. At least he seemed to be calming Alix right now, which was all he had left. He had to make sure she was safe now that their mother was gone. She mentioned asking Meric to stay and being scared for their Papa. Gus was quiet for a short moment. "I don't think Meric will stay." He said after a long heavy pause and he sighed. "I don't think he likes being at home much." Gus said in a small voice. He hated the idea that their brother wouldn't stay. With their Papa being in so much pain Gus realised that if Meric left he'd need to do his best to be the man of the house until their dad was okay again. "But Papa will be fine. He's always been strong but he loved Mamman very much. I think he just needs a bit of time, maybe. Either way, I'm not going to let him leave us too." Gus said with a strange undertone to his voice. He fully intended to throw a mess to ensure that their father would be forced to keep him at home for a while, just so he could make sure he'd realise he had three kids that counted on him now their mother was gone. He seemed to have forgotten that in his pain.

Alix then practically begged him to play the piano with or for her. He was hesitant, not wanting to feel the pain her absence would bring to him but well, it was impossible to say no to her right now. She claimed he was tying her hair into knots and he pulled a face that was a mixture between indignation and concern. "Fine." He grumbled slightly and took her hand to drag her towards the piano. "But I can't teach you. It's hard enough to focus on playing right now. Don't be surprised if everything sounds horrible." He warned her, mostly because he didn't want the added pressure of having to play as perfectly as their mother had. After arriving at the piano he opened it, giving him access to the perfect black and white keys. For a short moment he stared and felt like attacking them like he had done with his guitar. He let his fingers glide over the keys for a moment, pressing a single higher key and letting the sound remind him of the melodies their mother used to play. He felt tears well up in his eyes and quickly sat down, placing his fingers ever so delicately before playing. It felt like every single note reverberated in his brain ever so painfully, scrambling his brain as his tears fogged up his vision completely. He couldn't remember any of the pieces their mother used to play, so he just improvised something, hoping it would be good enough for their sister. Things he'd tried on his guitar. Maybe it was good enough this time....

@alix

[Deleted]

"I promise I'll do anything and everything we can think up to avoid leaving you behind." The words her brother spoke rang clear and loud in Alix' young mind and her stomach tightened even as his embrace around her did. They scared her because he wasn't promising that he'd stay, they scared her because he knew what she had begun to beg him, they scared her because there was nothing she could do - their mother had already proved that. In the distant future if anyone happened to write Alix Courtemanche's story, they'd note this moment as the beginning of her path towards psychiatry. "I will hold you to that, mon frere," she finally replied, her voice shakier than she had meant it to be.

Alix could not blame Aymeric not liking home very much. He was older than they so maybe he knew mamman during happier days? After all, Alix was a clever girl and she knew how children were made and long ago she'd realised why she was the last of the siblings. Mamman was too sad, after Alix arrived, for such activities. Alix had hated the year that she was by herself in the house when Gus had gone to school. Alix let out a laboured sigh, one that threatened to turn into another sob if she weren't careful. "I would rather Meric be where he's happiest than..." stay here and lose him too she finished in her mind once more. Her brother spoke of their father's strength and Alix' eyes began to leak salty tears once again. "I hope you are right, Gus. This place will be so lonely for him though, once we go back to school..." Alix felt guilty then because she realised that she had a very strong desire to return to the Academy and force herself to pretend like this horrific tragedy hadn't struck her family.

Alix floppily followed her brother as he dragged her to the piano at her request. When they got to the seat, Alix sat as if the energy it took to get there was everything right now. Alix watched her brother open the flappy thing... uff Alix felt a twist of guilt that she had actively ignored her piano lessons to the point she didn't even know what the guard thing was called over the keys. Alix wriggled her nose in an attempt not to sniffle like some gross toddler and had to fight off the urge to use the back of her sleeve instead. Finally Gus sat down next to her and so Alix rested her head on his shoulder gently. Whilst his fingers acquainted themselves with the ivory keys, Alix' own fingers slid through her long dark locks to undo the work her brother had done. "If I had even an ounce of your talent, Gus..." Alix replied to her brother's self-deprecation, her thought finishing with Mamman might have been happier. Might have stayed with us. Alix let herself hum along with the melody that her brother played and her hand rubbed his back supportively. "When you lose something you can't replace..." she began to sing through her tears, "when you love someone and it goes to waste..."

** lyrics from "fix you" by Cold Play because Roo is not a lyricist**
@auguste

[Deleted]

Gus wasn't one to make promises lightly and while there were a rare few that he'd broken, this wasn't one he was ever going to break. She meant the world to him, she and their mother always had. He'd bonded and connected with them far more than their father and brother. He'd always felt safe and free to be himself around the two woman that were the centerpieces of his life. They carried few expectations and had both always been encouraging when it came to his music and his best. His best was enough, as long as that was what he gave. He'd never really felt that way around his father, where he was expected to be the perfect son. He'd never truly felt that way around their brother either, as the age difference had set them up for separation long before their mother had passed. He hadn't bonded with them over music, and when one bared their soul so utterly and willingly through music it was difficult to find that could be taken away. It was difficult for Gus to even accept the loss was real. Alix was his life line.

She was better than he was, as she would rather see Meric happy elsewhere than unhappy around them. Gus knew he ought to feel the same, but he struggled to be better. He was here for Alix to lean on but felt like he had nobody to lean on himself. His father was not responsive since their mom died and with their brother being absent he felt like he had to do it all on his own, carry his own weight along with that of his little sister. While he carried her gladly, he already felt exhausted from the pressure of doing so. She mentioned the place would be lonely for their father after they'd gone back to school and Gus shrugged. "He'll probably just work a lot. You know he's been doing that for years now. He works, came home to care for mamman and then went back to work again the next day." Gus suspected that a part of their dad would be consumed by guilt for a while over the relief that such a burden had been taken off his back. In the quiet moments that he'd shared with his mother when nobody else was around, she'd sometimes confessed that she felt like a burden on all of them because of her sickness. He's always tried to reassure her that she wasn't, but she always had that sort of glazed over look as she listened that told him she didn't believe him. It hurt. Maybe if he'd been able to convince her?

Gus pressed the first key on the piano, coaxing a single note from it. "What difference would it have made, Lix?" He asked tiredly, still feeling distraught at their loss. "I wasn't good enough and I always tried to make her proud. No matter how much she loved the music, it never seemed to be enough." It wasn't her fault. She couldn't have changed things. Still he felt as though he should have. If he'd been better, more convincing. If he'd tried harder or written the perfect song... maybe everything would have been better now. Maybe she'd still be there. He sighed and started playing a song he knew his sister loved. It had been one their mother had quite enjoyed as well. The music came to him easily, as it always did. He played for his sister and poured his soul into it. It was one of the few things he could do. He could give her music and today that needed to be enough. Today that was all he could give her.

@alix