Every Day Brings Me Closer to You [Auguste] CW

[Deleted]

May 7th, 2026

It was a pity, Alix reflected as she made her way up the stair cases that plagued the aged St Mungo's hospital, that the glamour spell that she had cast only hid her pregnancy from view - it provided her with the appearance of a flat stomach rather than that which she'd had before this terrible twist of fate. No, instead she had to pretend she was not getting breathless from the same walk she'd made easily only months ago so that no one on the Ward would think her utterly strange. That took whatever brain capacity she had left over from fighting the urge to place a supportive hand over her invisible bump.

The child inside - Alfie's child, though Alix had no intention of ever telling the young teacher that - was almost 5 months and it had taken Alix the better part of a month to figure out how to make the glamour spell stick. She'd had to go on sabbatical from her job in April, narrowly missing the admission of her brother by the father of her child. Freakin' super spermatozoa that man had, Alix found herself muttering under her breath more often than not recently. Right now, though? Alix had found the courage to visit her brother in his time of need and ... ufffff Alix took a pause in the passageway as a wave of small cramps fluttered in her lower abdomen. They passed soon enough, as they had done a few times this week, and Alix continued onto the ward that she spent most of her adult life at: the mental ward.

"Hello Prudence," Alix said with a smile that didn't quite catch her eyes as she passed the ward clerk. "I've just come to check on Auguste - Ah, room 9? Thank you," Alix was much more curt than usual - she didn't have time to waste on idle chit-chat with the lovely lady. She'd turned on her heel - though she cursed at how her ankles felt like tree trunks and that she wished she were not strutting down the halls in her typical stilettos at this point in her pregnancy.

Still, appearances count and her brother was much more clued on than many liked to believe. If she'd come wearing a flat heeled shoe she'd definitely raise suspicion no matter how many sedatives he may have taken after lunch.

Once at the door to Gus' room, she tapped on the door the very same way she'd been doing since childhood. "Gus? May I... may I come in?" she called with a nervous sweat beginning to run down her back. Could she get away with her rouse? Would he hate her for not coming sooner? Would he be lucid enough to realise she hadn't?

... would he like her loosely fit, dress?

@auguste

[Deleted]

CW: Depression/references to suicide related stuff from here on out.

Every day had been the same since he'd been admitted. He was barely functional and well, they tried to keep him under with meds but he wasn't too big of a fan. He mostly just survived through the day and by the end he had achieved absolutely nothing at all. Not that he was here to achieve anything. In theory he was only here to get better, but he had no idea what they expected. He just sat by the window all day and went back to bed at the end. It had been days since he did anything to care for his appearance, which was quite telling for somebody as vain as he tended to be.

He was without a doubt surprised when he heard a knock on his door that afternoon. He'd been confined in his room for a change, having a slighly worse day than usual and not in the mood to use the common room. He just sat in the room without any personal things. He didn't read, he didn't make music, he pretty much did nothing all day. It was very productive. He was a bit surprised as he heard a knock on the door to begin with but the voice made him wonder if he had a fever dream. He stood up without speaking and ripped the door open, looking over her for a second before pulling her into a hug. "I've missed you." He muttered softly. He was too relieved in seeing her to notice. He let go of her and looked at her clothes in surprise. "That is less tight than usual." He said as he grabbed her hand and dragged her into the room, shutting the door behind her. "It suits you." It just looked weirdly innocent to him. He had an itch in the back of his brain though, something he couldn't put his addled brain on.

"You are late in visiting. I was starting to think you weren't going to show up." He said as he flopped on the bed, running a hand through his really poorly maintained hair. He needed a haircut, but he didn't care. Nor did he care his clothes were... well anything but stylish. He motioned for her to take a seat as he sat, wondering if she was going to comment on his badly maintained appearance.

@alix

[Deleted]

The door to her brother's room opened all of a sudden and something inside Alix dropped all the way past her guts, through the floors of St Mungo's all the way to the dark, damp basement she wasn't sure existed. Her mind immediately flew back to the day after her mother's funeral where she'd knocked on Gus' door and he'd opened it for her. What was that throbbing sensation in her throat? Could she breathe? 10, 9, 8, 7... she began to count in French to counteract the fainting spell that the memory threatened to induce. "I've missed you too," she mumbled into her brother's shoulder, for a brief moment forgetting that it wasn't a great idea to melt into him with a glamoured baby bump between them. She chuckled awkwardly as she made to distance herself, though thankfully Gus had the same thought it appeared. Her face went pale when her brother commented on her dress and her hands began to prickle in panic.

"Ah, yes - well..." Merde de Merlin, Alix swore at her inability to come up with a reasonable excuse in the moment, "I see that you're also going for comfort over style today too, hmm, mon frère," she replied playfully gesturing at his sad attire. Ah, yes, deflection - perfect. She caught her appearance in a mirror as she was pulled into the room and was comforted by her appearance in the mirror - the glamour had held up even during her panic attack. It was strange though, as she took in the surroundings somehow they appeared stifling and depressing and her brother looked the worse for it. Had the rooms always looked like Hell's waiting room? Or was her perception clouded by the fact that her most wonderful, opulent brother was being swallowed in the beige blandness that was meant to be 'calming'? Alix swallowed with difficulty and turned her attention back on her brother - though she found it hard to keep his gaze.

"I am very sorry for the delay, I was - I still am - involved in a study and... well it took some time for the owls to find me," she rubbed the back of her neck as she walked over to her brother's bed. "Gus, what's happened? Why are you here? I'm ... I'm sorry I wasn't here for you earlier. I was... handling some things." For the study, she hoped he understood, not handling her own mini break-down. She sat down on the bed next to her brother and snaked an arm over his shoulder, pulling her fingers through the dark her of her brother. "Your hair is almost long enough for me to braid, Gus," she murmured softly as she rested her chin on his bony shoulder. Her own face had gotten plumper, along with other parts of her body that weren't hidden by the glamour spell, so the bony aspect of her brother was only that much more noticeable - he'd always been slender, just like herself but now he almost made her feel like the Elephant Woman sitting beside him. Stop, he can't see your bump, she tried to remind herself logically.

@auguste

[Deleted]

Alix was probably the only person in the world that could have him even consider his looks at this point. He knew he probably looked a mess but he didn't care. Yet as she said he picked comfort over style he looked down at his clothes and felt the faintest tinge of repulsion at how badly maintained he looked. His nose twitched half a second and then he shrugged. "Nobody sees anyway." He said in a tone so utterly bland it was a suprise his words managed to shape them so dull. It wasn't like him at all. Well, it was like him now. There was no passion left in him.

She apologised for it taking so long and all he could do was shrug. "It's fine. Life goes on, blah blah blah, those that really love you will always find their way back to you.... blah blah..." He rolled his eyes but the gesture looked more tired than the dramatic he'd been aiming for. He simply didn't have the energy to play off his usual self. "They could all be motivational speakers, you know." He said, vaguely motioning towards the door. Nothing seemed to come out quite right though. It was a bit of a bother. Nothing he couldn't deal with, but a lot he didn't want to deal with at all.

She asked what happened and why he was here and he sighed, long, deep, and with the clear exhaustion that plagued him ever since he got in. He shrugged listlessly. "I didn't feel like making music anymore." He said simply, as he knew she'd understand just how much of a big deal that was to him. Music had always helped him through every difficulty and every trouble that had bothered him. He'd managed to play after their mother died, no matter how much it hurt to do so. His loved for music had held him together, as if it were the only thing that had given meaning to his life. To lose that was like to lose his grip on reality completely and utterly. He had no idea who he was supposed to be without his music. What he was supposed to do if he wasn't making music. Or maybe it was far more about how he was supposed to deal with it. It was hard to figure out when he couldn't put it to words, or to a melody. "And then I wondered what the point even was." He admitted in a softer voice. "Tossed my phone off the balcony and then Alfie came by the next morning. He got me here and well... I'm waiting to get better." He said, attempting to sound hopeful for just a moment, but everything just came out tired and exhausted. He didn't have the energy to properly play pretend. "I also didn't feel like smoking, or drinking, or anything else for that matter. I just felt utterly empty and exhausted. Figured you'd kill me if I didn't get help but while tempting, I made you a promise." He looked at her intently. He was here for her sake, because he couldn't just leave her after he'd promised that he'd do whatever he could to make sure he didn't end up like their mom. He couldn't break that promise.

She mentioned that his hair was almost long enough for her to braid it and he shrugged. "Feel free. Should stop it from getting in my eyes." He said, indifferent as always. He'd never been all that prideful when it came to style, ever willing to try new things but this wasn't even interest in trying something new. It was an utter lack of will to do anything or get worked up over anything. Far more worrying, in a way, as it showed just how poorly his mental health was really doing.

@alix

[Deleted]

The sister that Alix was felt her heart break a little when Gus' reply to her playful retort was just a shrug and declaration that nobody sees him anyway. It was only from years of professional training that Alix managed to stay composed because the realisation that his depression was so deep he held no desire for sibling banter and that he seemed to be so deeply alone tore viciously at her heart strings like a werewolf tearing itself to pieces of it cannot get free to hunt on the full moon. Her jaw tightened and her fingers curled into small fists as she tried to compose herself. "No one has come to visit? Not even Papa? ... Meric?" she asked, concern and almost... Anger lacing her words. Yes, the idea that her family had not rallied around her brother made the young woman furious even before she got an answer.

His next words did little except Stoke the small fire that had been but small embers beforehand. Those that really love you, blah blah blah, the words felt like tiny arrows to her splintered heart and her eyes stung from the efforts she made to keep hot tears rising in them. "I would have come sooner, had I been able," to figure out how to get this glamour to stick long enough for a conversation with you, Alix finished in her own head. "The nurses mean well, they'd do pretty much anything to make a patient smile," the young lady conceded, adding "but I'm truly sorry Gus."

The revelation that even music held no joy for her brother any more made the fire of building anger - that he blamed her for not being there, that she had to handle her own shit alone - well it was washed away with a wave of fear and sadness. Fear of what a large loss of passion meant for anyone, let alone her brother. Sadness because even with her years of training in the psychiatric ward she couldn't find a fix. That magical ingredient that her family needed to have to find life worthwhile. She'd failed him. Again.

A cramp in her lower abdomen made Alix temporarily forget this though as she grasped at Gus' shoulders much stronger than before. It didn't help that he mentioned who had brought him in the first place. Alfie. Alix had done her best to put the professor out of her mind and yet here he was stepping up to help the most important person to Alix. "Alfie is a good man.You're a good man for seeking help. Gus, you've no idea how thankful I am to you for getting help," despite her best efforts, the prickly tears fell down her cheeks.

"I don't know how I would go through this without you ..." she pressed her face against his shoulder to hide the tears that were trying to escape her. He explained he had no desire for luxuries he usually loved. "I cannot do this without you. I know that sounds utterly selfish of me and all my training be damned because it is the truth Auguste," she paused to grasp his chin in between a rough two fingers - she'd been put to work in the druid village and couldn't have regular manicures to replenish her natural skin routine on the hands. She stated deeply into his eyes for more than a good few seconds to show just how serious this was. "You're my big brother and I love you. Tell me what you need from me Gus. Please."
And for Merlin's sake, don't bring up Alfie, Alix needed to keep a guiltfree, clear head to better handle her brother's issues.
@auguste

[Deleted]

Alix instantly went asking after his visitor list and he felt no need to defend anybody. He just shrugged. "Camila and Amy stopped by. Dad didn't bother yet. We've been limiting the visitors as much as possible because of the press." He spoke almost as if he was part of the decision process, but he obviously wasn't. He was too indifferent to care currently but he was glad that Charlotta understood that this was supposed to be temporary and after it was all done he was supposed to care, at least a little. He didn't want to leave only to end up returning within a day for sake of the gossipmongering press out there.

He tried for a faint smile as she said she would have come sooner and defended the nurses. "I know Alix. I don't blame you. The positivity is just exhausting. I'd have asked them to flash if that didn't seem highly inappropriate." He never actually would have, but it was his very best effort at cracking a joke, even if the delivery fell absolutely flat. It wasn't something he'd ever do, even if he did joke about it. He had more respect for woman than that, although his normal self would definitively have considered sleeping with more than just one of the nurses. It hadn't even entered his mind yet, despite the joke. "Honestly, don't worry about it. I was more worried you were dead in a ditch somewhere. Knowing you're alive and well makes me feel....." He trailed off. He wasn't sure how it made him feel, except for definitly not worse. Better? In a way it was better... It made him feel at all, which was definitly better.

Her hands were on his shoulders almost like a death grip. Stonger than he remembered, or he was just weaker. It was hard to tell. He put his hands on her and smiled a lopsided smile that didn't come out with the usual charm either. "Alfie is a good man, but calling me one is a stretch and you know it. I'm a living one because I sought help, not a good one. I've hurt so many people Alix, so many. Worst of all is that I seem to keep hurting you." He brushed a stray lock of hair out of her face, regret painting his features even more hollow than before. "I just wish I could make you proud, even if all my wishes seem to have been turned to curses of late." He said tiredly. He'd wanted that happy ending with Sienna and it couldn't be. He'd wanted so many things and most of them seemed impossible now. So impossibly beyond reach....

Alix breaking down was certainly not something that Gus had ever dealt well with. Or well, he'd dealt with it well enough but it always hurt him to see her break down. So he wrapped an arm around her comfortingly and patted her shoulder absently a few times. "You don't have to do this without me." He promised once again. "I'm keeping my promise, but that includes getting professional help, doesn't it? You can't carry the weight of my problems on top of your own and I don't want you to." He told her, attempting to be a little stern. He had the energy for absolutely nothing, except re-establishing those old promises. He sat her down next to him on his bed. It could probably use some colour. "I need you to promise me you'll set me up on a date when I get out." He said, more the sake of having something he could ask her. "I don't think I'll be able to give up on the dream of being a dad one day for as long as I'm dealing with this being alive thing, so I guess I need to find somebody I want to raise a kid with because by Merlins beard I'm not going to try it alone. Somebody needs to stop me from turning into either mom or dad." He loved his mother dearly but he knew she hadn't been able to raise a kid alone, and their father had made her do it anyway. She'd needed time off to care for herself, but she'd never been able to take any because he never stepped up to the plate to do his job. "I want the happily ever after Alix... but not in a desperate way, you know? I want it in a proper way. A kid that is certainly mine and that I can love to the end of the world and back again. Somebody I can live for on the bad days, just like I do for you and Phil. That's what I want." He said, although it felt weird to voice it like that. If it hadn't been for her and Phil, he most certainly would have tossed more than his phone off the balcony that night.

@alix

[Deleted]

As Gus listed his visitors, Alix nodded slowly, though her brows furrowed when she heard that their father hadn't deigned to visit yet. The frown deepened in confusion as Gus spoke of how 'we' are limiting visitors. Who the fuck was 'we'? Alix wondered for a brief moment if it was Sienna - that woman who'd decided her privacy was more important than the love of a good, honest man (Alix had since decided she was not a fan) - that had some ridiculous say in her brother's stay. Sienna always had her granny panties in a knot when it came to the press. "If only we could bring Philipe into the ward, hmm?" she said with a half-smile, deciding not to comment on their father's absence. Unfortunately emotions weren't really something he dealt with all that well so she wasn't particularly surprised.

She let out a small sigh of relief when Gus said that he didn't blame her for being gone for so long. She felt guilty for not being there for him but she had her own life-changing drama. At least her brother was safe and getting professional help from people she had worked with for many years. She trusted them. He would recover and as much as he'd struggle with his mental health until the day he passed on, Alix doubted very much that her current circumstances would ever improve. "I know a month in seclusion is hard for you but you can't possibly be so hard-up that you'd ask Mrs Lightfoot to flash you? I swear one day she came to work with her titties hanging so low she could've tucked them into her skirt," Alix said with a cheeky smile betraying that she was having a joke at another's expense. Mrs Lightfoot was only in her 40s and was not at all that terrible, nor was she the only worker on the ward. She just wanted to continue on with her brother's attempt to joke. "But I do appreciate you not shagging my colleagues, lest they get all clingy and start thinking I'm going to become their sister-in-law," especially some of her sillier or more desperate colleagues. She shuddered at the thought. Though, it was to cover up the flush of colour on her cheeks when she realised how much of a hypocrite she sounded like right now - she'd taken advantage of Auguste's best friend the first chance she got.

And she was paying for it. Fucking karma.

"I'm alive," but I'm definitely not well, Alix finished the thought in her mind and her expression was a carefully constructed neutral expression. "I'm glad knowing that makes you feel...." she trailed off almost as awkwardly as he had, though it was yet another small attempt at humour - a light hearted bit of mockery that her brother couldn't bring himself to say he was happy she wasn't dead.

Thankfully the cramp in her stomach passed almost as soon as it came and she was able to release her grip on Gus' shoulder. Alfie. Auguste had no idea how good a man his best friend was. In so many ways. When she found that a smile came to her easily, she wrinkled her nose and made it disappear as soon as it came. Thankfully she could blame it on her brother taking the time to explain why he wasn't a good man. She frowned deeply now as he protested his goodness. "Don't you even dare, Gus. You're a talented artist, you rescued a freakin' tiger from horrible circus life and it lives better than most people do," Alix began, her cheeks flushing and her hormones threatening to light a fire in her glamoured belly if she wasn't careful. "You love passionately, you care for so many people and you're the best brother a girl could ever hope for," she said ardently. "You don't hurt me," no one hurts me - I don't let them, Alix said, shaking her head. "I know that you fight every single day - some days are a harder battle than others, I grant you, but I know you do it for me. I wish you could do it for yourself, but I will absolutely take you doing it at all. I am proud of you. You're an amazing person and my best friend."

Alix felt her brother's arm wrap around her emotional body and she melted into his embrace just as she had for years. It was a good few seconds before she opened her eyes against his shoulder - merde de Merlin what if the hug affected her spellwork? She wanted to unfold herself before she was found out but instead allowed her brother to guide her onto the bed beside him. "I appreciate that Gus," she said softly, through unshed tears.

She listened intently to his request and those tears began to fall to spite her. Her brother desperately wanted a Happy Ever After and a family and Alix wanted to extract her uterus so that the being growing inside her could prepare for life outside instead. An organic test tube situation. She wouldn't begrudge The Thing its life and future but she would prefer no further stretch marks ruining her perfectly stunning stomach. She could never be a mother as she was petrified of what it would cost her. Her life would be forfeit like her mother's, she was sure of it.

"You're going to make the best father one day, Gus, I'm positive," she croaked, her face blotchy from the tears and her mascara beginning to run down her cheek. "Whoever you build a family with will be the luckiest person in the world," she said with a small smile, her fingers running through her brother's hair to push it out of his gorgeous face. Her brother had said he wanted the child to be certainly his. "You have a lot of time though? It's important to get the right person to build your family with. I'll certainly help. I'll even make sure they're people I haven't tried out first, hmm?" she joked.

Alix had a burning feeling in her heart because she could tell how much her brother wanted a family, yet there she sat next to him hiding the fact that she was in 'a family way' to coin a horrible term from the dark English past. She sat up from her snuggled position, pulled her wand from its secret pocket in her dress and de-glamoured herself.

"Auguste, I am pregnant and terrified."

@auguste

[Deleted]

Alix mentioned bringing Phil into the ward and Gus remained unchanged. He didn't feel it was a particularly good idea to bring Phil into a hospital, least of all into a place that probably put him on edge. Not to mention he was fairly sure Phil would get even more on edge once he noticed that he himself wasn't exactly doing all that well. No, it was better that Phil was cared for at his home and not subjected to something like this. "No, he's better off at home." Gus said and then looked a bit pensively out the window. "Plus he stands out. Charlotta wouldn't be too pleased and she's done so much for me." He appreciated everything that Charlotta had done for him so far and felt like he owed her incredible debt. He just wished that he knew how to repay her. He figured that staying alive and doing his job didn't quite cut it, but it was a start. He felt he was being uncharactaristically responsible for his state of mind, but maybe it was exactly that state of mind that caused his increased sense of responsibility. It was hard to say.

He wasn't fully sure if Alix understood the depths of the void he felt in his heart. Her jokes brought a very forced half hearted smile on his face. He wasn't even sure who was who in the ward as he'd been too caught up in his own mind. The thought of flirting with anybody at all hadn't come up in his mind since before he'd been admitted. Even now the thought of sharing intimacy with anybody left him cold and unbothered. Despite his desire to have fun and drown himself in a party that was prevalent with his lifestyle he'd sought none of it out. There was nowhere left to run and no party big enough to distract him from the thoughts that kept running in his head until the silence was so utterly deafening that it felt the mere drop of a pin would make his skull crack by it's noise. No, he wasn't doing too well.

She also trailed off, and he barely registered it was in an attempt at humour, despite paying close attention to her for as far as he could. "... at all." It was a helpful attempt at finishing the sentence for her, since he didn't realise. He felt so numb that humour was difficult to maintain for longer than a few minutes. It certainly wasn't for lack of trying at least.

Alix took care to correct his statement, for as far as possible. She highlighted the good things he'd managed to do with his life, but somehow it fell short. They felt like empty achievements. He'd rescued Phil as much for his own sake as for that of the cub. He didn't want to be alone and Phil depended on him. At least at first he had depended on him. As both had aged their relationship had no doubt getting healthier, but he had no shot of living in the wild as he probably should have. His talent as an artist hardly mattered as it changed absolutely nothing. All he did was write songs and perform. How did that change the world? Sienna was the one that changed the world, making life better for werewolves and she wasn't even a werewolf herself. That woman was selfless in her time and dedication. Even his reasons for making music were self centered. As for the best brother? He felt that Aymeric had that one down better as well. At least his brother didn't break down over nothing. He was strong and while Gus was almost always at odds with his brother he realised perfectly that his visit meant he cared, even if Gus judged him too harshly for how he'd coped with the traumatic loss of their mother.

She claimed that he didn't hurt her and he sighed audibly. "Not consciously, but if you claim my actions don't affect you in some way I know you're lying. You've been scared of losing me like we lost mom since the day she died. I can't even promise you that I'll stay alive without feeling like I might well be lying. I lived with that fear about mother and we lost her. It hurt long before we did. The fear was crippling but when I couldn't stop it? I thought I knew pain before but something inside me just... shattered. Some illusion that if I tried hard enough I could fix the world. Knowing that such a hope was based in a desperate lie to myself? That hurt. It was like the pain I'd been feeling for years combined into one big void of pain and swallowed me up whole. I keep escaping it, but only long enough to desperately take in some air before it drags me back down again. I feel weak, like every part of me hurts from the strain of the fight and all I can help but wonder is why I fight to begin with. It would be easier to stop struggling, but the idea that it might consume you? It's that fear the forces me to keep fighting. I can't send somebody else down that same path." Least of all you...

She told him he'd make a great father and while he wanted to believe it to be true, he wasn't sure. What if he ended up like their mother? What if his child ended up with the same weakness that their mother had given him? Alix and Aymeric were both so strong, but he wasn't. The same sickness that had consumed her threatened to consume him every single day. No matter how much he knew he'd love a child of his own, he couldn't bear the thought of doing that to them. Besides, with everything that was wrong with him it felt like only a fool would wish to build a life with him. Only a fool would opt to be with somebody as unstable as he was.

She said he had a lot of time and he glanced at his hands for a moment. He could almost feel the sands of time slipping through his fingers as the world passed him by in here. "Maybe...." he mused softly, but he feared the worst. He feared he was simply living on borrowed time and that eventually everything he feared would come true and everything he had been would consume him until there was nothing left. Not even the tiny fragments he'd managed to hold on to this time. A promise.

Then came the confession. The best way he could put it? It was like a tiny glimmer, glowing in the darkness. He wrapped his hands around it so tightly that he knew he risked breaking it, but he couldn't let it be consumed by the darkness. Whatever this was, he'd hold it until it could safely grow. It sounded like he'd have a niece or nephew soon, but Alix was terrified. Gus scooted closer and pulled her close again, hugging her. His brain failed to register that this explained her change in clothing though. "What do you need? Lixxie, you know I'd do anything for you. All you need to do is ask." Just like you asked me to live. I can do anything if it means you'll stay with me... He softly kissed the top of her head and kept her locked close. He wasn't going to let go of her now.

"What are you going to do with them? Are you having them adopted?" His heart almost sank at the idea he wouldn't be able to be near another niece or nephew, although he hoped that the bond with his brother might get better after he left. He had an apology to write, but no idea where to start. He didn't really imagine Alix as a mother. She'd always seemed so perfectly content on her own and they were still young. Where he dreamt of children but feared losing them he suspected she feared her current situation as much as he feared never being in it with a partner of his own. It was cruel in a way, that she should be burdened in that way when he'd have considered himself blessed. On the other hand, he had always been careful on purpose as the thought of having a child with a random one night stand chilled him to the very bone. Knowing a child of his was out there, but most likely out of reach? What a horror to him. She'd likely see it as a relief. It was odd, how opposing they were in that way.

During their hug, he made sure of one thing though. He hugged her, not her belly. He didn't spend any attention on the part of her that she probably hated more than anything right now. He was there for her, no matter her situation and his own wishes in life. Alix was the one person he'd ever known he could ever so easily love utterly selfishly, no matter what. Once upon a time it had been Sienna as well, but as that shattered he'd realised he couldn't give up his life for her as it would hurt them both. When it came to Alix he could give up his entire life and not regret it a moment. She was his lifeline after all. Without her, what was he even staying here for?

@alix

[Deleted]

((OOC - Content / trigger warning: severe depression, suicide, unwanted pregnancy.

Also Seph, if this takes me twenty hours today to reply to... I'm gonna cry #gulp #words #dead ))

"You're right," Alix conceded when Gus decided that it was not a good place to bring in a full-grown tiger into the mental patient ward. Thank Merlin for small mercies! Alix tolerated the animal because her brother loved it deeply but she doubted how much of a good sister she'd manage to be ... could she even do it? "I bet Charlotta's hot when she's angry," Alix murmured, allowing herself for a brief moment, to imagine Gus' manager angry banging her against the wall of the room. Goodness, if only the Christmas Party had ended in Charlotta's bed - with or without wifey included - instead of Alfie in hers... what a different May day she'd be having right now.

As Gus finished her sentence with 'at all' once again, Alix reached for her brother's hand and gave it a strong squeeze. "Yes Gus, at all," her voice tried to mask the horror that threatened to overcome her when it came to recognising the sheer apathy that came with chronic - potentially suicidal - depression. Before she left the ward, she'd make sure to tell the nurses to double the preventative measures.

Alix remained resolutely quiet as Gus explained that he knew he was hurting her with his mental health and hot tears ran down her cheeks as he ripped the band-aid off of terribly painful memories. Made even worse due to her current condition and her fear over what motherhood would do to her, much like it had done to her mother. Rightly or wrongly, Alix knew she was the reason for her mother's untimely death. Each time she tried to formulate words to reply to her brother, her tongue felt like a piece of lead in her mouth and instead she squeezed his hand some more along the way. Alix flared her nose as Gus finished with how he couldn't send another person down the path and she took a ragged, steadying breath. "Gus, if... " there were so many things she wanted to say. If I'm the only reason you're putting yourself through the absolute torment of living.... GOOD. Too bad. If it's so horrible to be here, with me, then I release you. The idea that her brother was torturing himself for her made Alix sick to her stomach. "If you keep fighting, that is enough for me. I love you, Gus and I wish... I wish my love was enough, but I know it's not." It never has been.

Maybe Auguste had time for a family of his own. The way he looked at his hands, the decades of knowing the man beside her... that sickness in her stomach threatened to actually bring a heart-burn acid / vomit attack. "Definitely," she said firmly, with the brief wave of nausea passing because she didn't have time to focus on herself. That went out the window quickly though as she revealed the small person growing inside her, creating stretch marks where her skin had once been deliciously smooth. Merlin, you're a selfish piece of trash, Alix thought to herself angrily as her brother reverted to his big brother, caring self and wrapped himself around her engorged, hippopotamus self. "I need a time-turner," Alix half-joked, completely uncomfortable with her impulsive decision to let her brother know about her current predicament. Whether she meant to undo the amazing night she had that made her heart flutter stupidly at the very memory or that she hadn't taken a potion soon enough afterwards, Alix was unclear.

For the moment, she closed her hot and watering eyes and rested her forehead against her brother's lips. "Merlin, Gus, can you imagine me being a mother?" Alix barely spent any time at home, between being a semi-workaholic and party enthusiast. She needed to be around people at the best of times but she knew all too many mothers fell into seclusion as they dealt with a new born in their lives. "I haven't... I haven't really thought about options. Fear seems to paralyse the smart portion of my brain... or perhaps I never really had any smarts to begin with otherwise I wouldn't be here right now wanting to projectile vomit and cry and take all of my fears and frustrations out on a grumpy Head of Department with a whip I cast from my wand," Alix said, getting the words out of her mouth through gritted teeth. "I'm just hanging on, right now, Gus... and practically camping. Eating things I don't even know how to pronounce correctly. It's growing so ... that's happening." She had wanted to say 'so that's good' because that's what normal mothers would say, right? But at the last moment her brain refused to lie.

@auguste

[Deleted]

Just because he was right about this not being the place for Phillipe didn't mean he liked it one bit. He would much rather have had the option to crawl up against Phillipes warm and soft fur in the evenings over crawling into a bed that felt like a coffin in comfort status. In a way it was sobering, when he managed to ignore the rather obvious sickness in that. He didn't enjoy the comfort because it made him think of a coffin. Well, not that it actually was all that comfortable to begin with for a man so used to luxuries of various kinds as he was.

Then his sister guessed his manager was probably hot when angry and he smiled slightly. "Totally." He told her, knowing he'd have hit on the woman under different circumstances. Like her not being married and his boss for starters. Then he'd also been in a relationship when he'd gotten to know her, which meant even more reason he'd never paid her too much attention in terms of attraction. Still, he could easily recognise when people are attractive, and Charlotta instantly and easily fit the bill there.

He knew his honesty hurt her. He could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice, no matter how much she might try to hide it from him. She squeezed his hand and he squeezed hers back softly. He hated how much he hurt her, but he couldn't find a way to stop himself from hurting, which seemed to be some magical preset for hurting Alix less. It felt like it would tear him up from the inside out, but he couldn't find the glue he needed to piece himself back together this time. He survived, but he felt it hardly counted as living. Still he felt more alive now that his sister was here than he'd done in all the time he'd been stuck in here alone or with others visiting. Not that many were allowed to be aware. They had to try and keep it out of the press after all. It wasn't exactly good publicity.

She cried as he spoke and almost as a mechanical inbuilt reaction he brushed the tears of her face. There it was, his worst nightmare. He was hurting his little sister. The one person he didn't want to hurt and still couldn't seem to stop hurting regardless. She told him taht she just wanted him to keep fighting and he nodded, a motion towards their environment serving as proof he was, even if his regular passion was lacking. His heart broke a little, the few splinters he'd managed to piece back after her arrival falling apart again, as she claimed her love was not enough. He very rudely put his hand over her mouth to silence her. "Shut up Lixie." He said rather bluntly. "Your love is the only thing worth enough for me to want to try to get better. It's not just enough, it's everything. If you can no longer love me, I see no point in fighting. I can't pretend that life doesn't hurt or that a part of me doesn't want to give up completely. It'd be lying and we both know it. The point..." He took a breath, as even this was draining the very little amount of energy he had. Exhausted he continued. "The point of fighting is to keep what I can't do without. Your love? Right now? It's all that I'm living for." All reason for him to put up with the misery of his own existence right now. If she said that he no longer had that, he knew it would destroy what little there was left of him. He believed that if she no longer loved him, he'd find the sheer will to shut his own heart down, no matter what the people in the ward did to stop him.

He chuckled as she claimed she needed a time turner. "Don't we all?" He asked gently, kissing the top of her head. He longed to go back too, to prevent himself from ever treading the path to fame. He wanted to simply live his happily ever after with Sienna, no matter what the job was going to be. Or maybe he'd find a different solution, but in this moment that just seemed easier. Regardless, it wasn't possible. Nobody could turn time back that far for as far as he knew. If they did, he figured the world would be quite messy. Not exactly the right kind of messy either.

She asked if he could imagine her as a mother and he considered in earnest. "Not really. Not unless you'd wanted it long enough before you got pregnant. I don't see it as something you could change your life for because it happened, but I could see you change your life because you want it to happen, on your own terms." He couldn't even imagine her having a child if she wasn't fully committed to it. He was almost surprised she had decided to go through with giving birth rather than taking any other option while it was open. Or maybe she'd found out to late. Regardless, he believed that his niece of nephew wouldn't be raised by her. He believed that the child she was carrying wouldn't know the family it came from. Maybe it was better. Or maybe it was worse.

Then came the part where she wasn't sure what to do. He shrugged half and sighed deeply. "Give it up for adoption. Make sure it goes somewhere it doesn't feel unwanted. Then go back to the life you had as if nothing happened. There are plenty of gay couples that would love to have it, even if you don't. You already decided it'll come out alive if it will it so, so might as well turn your curse into a blessing for somebody else." He said, finding it to be the only truly logical choice. Raising it? Not her. Not unless he wanted to lose her too. It just wasn't worth the risk. "It's happening." He muttered, as if he needed to say it to believe it. His little sister was having a child, but not keeping it. It made sense, but the idea was weird still. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you sooner." He muttered, realising how hard this must be for her. It was almost possible to forget his pain for her sake. He would have forgotten himself completely, if he didn't feel so utterly exhausted right now.

@alix

[Deleted]

The gentle squeeze of her hand from her brother meant more than Alix could possibly hope to communicate. She felt another urge to tear up, though she willed them to stay away me she stared resolutely up at the ceiling as if that would keep the waterworks at bay. They fell when Gus put his hand over her mouth and told her to shut up. Merlin, he had even been comforting her when he was the one in the mental ward, brushing away her tears. They flowed rather freely as he spoke of her love keeping him alive.

When he freed her mouth, she raced to envelope Auguste in the biggest hug imaginable with kisses to his whole face. "I will give you every ounce of my love for all of my life, Gus. I always have and will," it was said with all the feeling she had - it was the easiest thing to say, too, as Alix doubted another would surpass her love for her brother. It wasn't a romantic, sexual love of course but she felt that for no one person and never would. She almost felt it, once, but she'd shut her heart permanently after realising she was bringing life into the world because of it.

On the topic of her being a mother, sadly her brother had her number. "I'm hardly home any night of the week, I drink like a fish - yes, since I've found out I'm pregnant I've abstained and it's been the most boring few months of my life," Alix replied when Auguste spoke of how her life would only change if she wanted it to. "Men don't touch single mothers - it's like we become pariahs when we've pushed something out from our nethers rather than having them faff about inside you," she sighed, already having missed out on a good few months of a sex life. "Do you think you could change everything you enjoyed about your life for a surprise child?"

The idea of adopting the bundle of horror out had occured to her. "That was the plan. The reason why I disappeared - I had hoped to gestate, birth and give it away without anyone but me knowing. This is my biggest, darkest secret. People always look poorly on women who give up their children," she said sadly. "I didn't give you a choice to be there, my brother," Alix said gently, rubbing his back gently. "You're too good to be burden with the weight of my poor decisions. I got myself into this and... I'll find someone who wants what I'm cooking."

@auguste

[Deleted]

In a way, Gus had always known since the death of his mother that nobody would ever mean more to him than his sister. While music was an essential part of his life and always would be, it wasn't quite enough. Music was a concept and a tool he could use to let out all the feelings that he kept locked up inside himself otherwise. Music was the tiny window from which his soul dared approach the world outside. Alix was the most important person in his life. He knew that even if he found 'the one' they would never mean more to him than Alix did. He hadn't known them all his life and shared his deepest and darkest moments with them. When it had been Sienna, it seemed possible still that she might grow to be more important. Now that just wasn't an option anymore. She was his earth, keeping him grounded and in the end he'd always be pulled back to her, no matter what. He never wanted to escape her gravitational field.

Gus chuckled softly and shook his head a little. "You and me both Alix. Remember how desperately hammered I got after graduation? The tiny little path through the appartment I had between the kitchen cabinets, bed and sofa? It's like I made them to be winding in anticipation of being too drunk to walk." He reminded her with a bit of a smile. They were a bit too alike in that particular department. "There are a few decent ones out there that wouldn't care. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't care for them though. They'd be wanting to embrace the family life, not party in the way you do." He reminded her gently. Even if they wanted her, he couldn't imagine that she'd want to settle in to the kind of life that they'd be after. More than likely they'd want her to be the pretty little wife rather than the career woman she was. Even if they were the more domestic type and they'd love her to be the top earner, they wouldn't want her partying all the time on her days off. This wasn't the kind of life he could imagine her wanting. Ever.

Her question didn't actually require any thought at all. It came out as quickly as easily as the reply to somebody asking him if he wanted a drink. "Yes. Gladly. But unlike you, I've always known I wanted to start a family. My biggest fear is ending up being like mom. But well, I guess having a family might not have been her biggest dream." He said, realising that part of why her death seemed so utterly inevitable might have been because of the fact she never got to chase her own dreams. Maybe she'd been more like Alix but never wanted to tell them and her husband that being a mother was something she abhorred. And yet she'd been so kind and loving and warm that he found it almost impossible to imagine. Why have three kids when you don't even want one?

Gus scoffed at the mention of people looking down on woman giving up their children. "I'd rather have been given up and raised by a loving family than kept by a mother that never wanted me. There is no worse curse to place on a child than to have them grow up knowing and feeling they are undesired and their parents resent them for existing." Giving up a child wasn't exactly easy and he knew his sister made the choice out of fear but part of him believed it was also kindness. She knew it wouldn't be better for either of them to keep the baby.

Yet Gus was staring to feel tired. This was more socialising than he'd done in over a month and the heavy news drained him a bit. He just wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. "Spaghetti?" He asked with the hint of a smile. "Will you sit with me for a while? I fear I'm very tired, but I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. I have a lot to think about, I guess. Blessings, curses, and surprise children. What stories we have to tell."

@alix

[Deleted]

The reminder of Auguste's paths in his apartment made his sister chuckle along with him. She couldn't imagine his mansion being like that now; someone would no doubt tumble and break their neck on some marble. "Thank Merlin it wasn't like that when I visited last," she replied, in reference to her earlier visit to the mansion this year where she'd ended up flopped in a bed and a hangover from hell.

"Merlin, that's enough to kill any lady boner surely," Alix wrinkled her nose at the idea of a good man wanting to settle into family bliss with her and the thing growing inside her. Still, deep down in the cavern that should hold her heart there was a tiny spark where that seemed like a nice little fairy tale if it included a particular person but... no. "They'd get so possessive too, I can only imagine the face of them if I arrived with some friends to share." Alix would have to imagine, of course, as she'd never actually experienced a true relationship unlike her superstar brother. He was pretty amazing at everything he did... it wasn't his fault that Sienna was a stinky vagina face.

The fact that her brother wanted a family made Alix's heart ache for him. If only there was something she could do to help him realise his dreams. "I fear I'll turn out like maman too," she said quietly, finding it hard to swallow after she voiced her deepest fear. It was dangerous for her to become a mother, but Alix feared that even giving up the child would not save her from the chemical changes in her brain that the pregnancy may have caused. Her fate was sealed that past Christmas Eve. "I know you're right though. It's the best thing for.. this thing... I just," Alix sighed heavily. There wasn't enough time in the world to explain her experience with children who'd been given up for adoption or parents who had regretted the circumstances.

"Spaghetti," Alix replied with a gentle chuckle. Alix scootched up the bed so that she could rest her back on the headboard and motioned for her brother to come lay his head in her lap. "I'll stay until you fall asleep," she said softly as she positioned his head in a comfortable spot and ran her fingers through his hair, circling the ringlets lazily. "I love you." She whispered as he drifted away.

@auguste

~ The End ~