Photograph (Camila)

[Deleted]

My dearest Carmen,

It's been a while since I last contacted you, and for that I'm sorry. I needed quite a bit of time on my own to get my thoughts in order. To be quite honest, I'm not even sure if you still wish to keep in contact. I realise our relationship ending was hard on you, probably more so than on me. Just know I cared for you deeply and truly, and I still do.

It's actually part of why I'm writing you this letter now. I felt a need to better explain myself. While I stand by what I said when we broke up, I have a few things to add after due thought. The press was too much. I couldn't live under that sort of scrutiny, even more so when I hadn't even properly processed the passing of my fiance properly myself. I know it's been years, but I hadn't allowed myself to move on. Despite it having been five years, I was still consumed by guilt and grief. I felt guilty about how happy I was around you.

Oddly enough, I didn't fully realise that was part of my motivation for ending things. It didn't seem fair to you that being with you made me feel guilty. Not while I was with you, but after. You are without a doubt one of the most beautiful, warm, and compassionate people I've ever had the priviledge of meeting. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me.

It's because of you that I finally came to understand and accept that the events of my past that haunt my past don't have to haunt my past and future. I can still build a future for myself. I don't know if you realise just how much that realisation changed my prospects and perspective on life. I used to think my life was over, and I stuck around for those I felt needed me. My life felt over, even if I accepted that it would take a long time to end because I was still needed.

You helped me to find that spark I lost. To see me as a new person with a complicated past, rather than an empty shell of the guy I used to be. I might not be the person I once was, but the person I became is no less alive and capable of joy. It'll just look different. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes to something I didn't allow myself to see.

You'll always have a place in my heart and my door will never be closed to you, no matter where life might take us. I hope we can still be a part of each others lives, though I fully accept it if you prefer differently. I hope we will speak again and I'll be awaiting your reply in hope.

But regardless of whether or not it comes,

Thank you. Truly and deeply.

Yours forever,

Ilija.

[camila calderón]

Dear Ilija,

Thank you for your beautiful letter. I am sorry that I did not respond immediately, but I wanted to give you a good reply. I hope that my English is clear and that you can understand it because I am using a translation dictionary and my phone to write this.

I know that our relationship did not end like we expected, but I know that what happened between us was not your fault. I don't blame you at all. The media is very intrusive. It is not normal for anyone's privacy to be invaded. I wish that I could have done more to make sure that you were comfortable with my lifestyle. It is uncomfortable for me too, but I chose to be a singer. You deserve privacy.

I care about you so much, Ilija, and I want to thank you for your honesty about what you have experienced. Although I can't pretend that I understand exactly how you feel, I know that it has been very difficult for you. I want you to know that I'm always here for you. Even if we do not have a romantic relationship, I still want you to be in my life. I don't want you to think that I don't want you in my life. I miss you. You are really a marvelous person. Please, remember that.

Hugs,

Carmen

@ilija

[Deleted]

Dear Carmen,

If you should like it, maybe it'll be nice to meet up and talk some more? Catch up a little? I have missed you, despite the fact that I know that it was better for me to take this time and distance. I'm glad to read you're not upset with me, and hopefully we can meet up at some point. I have my own house by now, in case you want to stop by for a visit. It's not very impressive, but I don't think you'd mind that.

Let me know when you'd have time.

Love,

Ilija.

[camila calderón]

Ilija,

Yes, I would like to meet up and talk some more with you. We can meet at your house or where you would prefer.

I have attached my schedule for you. I think it will make it easier.

Love,

Carmen

@ilija

[Deleted]

Dearest Carmen,

Would it be possible to meet next Wednesday? You seem to have some free time according to your schedule, though I wish to make no presumptions as I imagine it might be prone to changes. I'll keep a spot open in my own schedule at eleven. If we could meet out my house that would be nice, but if you have another preference all you have to do is let me know. I'll be around where you'd like.

I'm really looking forward to seeing you again.

Love,

Ilija.


camila calderón

[camila calderón]

Dear Ilija,

Meeting next Wednesday at eleven o'clock is good for me. I am happy to meet at your house. It will be very nice to see you.

Love,

Carmen

@ilija