soliloquy in solitude (simon)

[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

Mid January 2029

The Cornish coast was a miserable place in the mid-winter. The sky was a slate grey and the wind was like knives across Luna's face. But none of the adverse weather kept Luna from her frequent rambling. She'd become familiar with the place the previous summer, when she'd been assigned to a facility nearby to monitor her condition. Luna had been released from the facility just before Christmas, owing to how well she was doing. Her mind was no longer quite so dark and tangled, and she had redeveloped her relationship with her body to nourish it into more than just a tool. It was the only thing that she had, without a doubt.

But instead of returning home and to her sisters for the holiday, Luna had instead rented a room in a house share not far from the beach. There was something comforting about the punishing waves cracking on the thin white beaches. It had grown more familiar to her than anything in her old life. Because despite having her mind healed and her body, Luna had begun to feel increasingly distant.

Sometimes Luna wondered if they had released her from the facility too soon. If her mind wasn't fully right just yet. And if that was so, why didn't she check herself back in? She could do so at any time - there was no shortage in funds to pay for it. But something in Luna resisted. It felt like defeat. And besides, she had all the tools at her disposal to continue her upwards trajectory. It was just a lot more lonely than she had expected. Luna didn't interact with her housemates much, which had been nearly empty for her first two weeks there. Everyone had families or relationships or friends who wanted to celebrate the holidays with them. Luna had made her excuses, but instead of flooing to her family, she found herself slowly meandering down the coast.

It wasn't that Luna chose to be lonely. But how could anyone understand her? How hard she had pushed herself, only to see herself topple so close to the summit. Luna had put herself in such a singular position that she couldn't share it with anyone. There was nobody familiar enough, nobody who she wanted to burden with her rise and subsequent fall from grace. Her pain, her recovery, or her journey. So instead, she walked.

Luna walked, and walked, and walked. But the stifling solitude didn't lessen.

[simon sixten svendsen]

Finally, Simon was free. After three months of rehab he was officially released into an outpatient program. His living situation was still an adjustment period. He wasn’t used to having a roommate but in ways he was grateful to have someone around to keep him accountable. Randy, his sponsor, also checked up on him multiple times a day. Something he found unbearable at times. Simon hated being micro managed. It was in his nature to rebel but he knew it was for his best interest.

Being back in Falmouth felt good for his soul. Now he could get back into a sense of normalcy and routine. His routine kept him on the right path. The Falcons welcomed Simon back to train with them as a reserve. After a few setbacks it took Simon longer than expected to return to the team so they couldn’t promise his immediate position back. Honestly, he was just happy to play again after almost 90 days. Instead of flying he focused on working out and running. Simon always had a love hate relationship with running due to his smokers lungs but he loved to push himself. During the journey he also found a newfound love…for pastries. Eating, baking, and decorating cakes and other baked goods proved to be a great outlet for the half-vamp. He was a changed man! Or so he liked to believe..

The Cornish coast was freezing this time of the year. Simon enjoyed walking the rocky coast, allowing the cold air to pierce his face until he could no longer handle it. Fresh air was something he took for granted for so long. The piercing winds from the Atlantic Ocean were refreshing and equally painful, making his face and nose red. The headphones in his ears sealed off the rest of the world as he walked passed strangers. He didn’t know many people in Falmouth, besides his teammates and the occasional fan who recognized him. After a couple of months off the radar people seemed to forget about all of the bullshit. Some people even felt bad for him which he found weird. He didn’t want their sympathy when most of his problems were self inflicted.

As Simon was walking down the pathway of once of the various channels, he noticed someone coming toward him. Their shape and size was familiar. The hair. Even the way they walked. As they got closer, he was sure it was Luna. A hint of panic struck him. Simon wasn’t sure if he was supposed to turn around and walk the opposite way. Was he supposed to ignore her? Is that what she would want? There was no way he could ignore the one woman he had ever truly loved. The distance quickly closed and he stopped in his tracks, icy blue eyes falling on Luna. He wanted to pull her into a hug but he wasn't sure how this encounter was about to go. She never responded to any of his letters.

 ”Luna..” he breathed in a sharp breath, offering her a kind smile as his mind went blank. "Hi-" he stated awkwardly, a new light in his eyes. Luna looked beautiful. Healthy. His eyes slowly scanned her over as he took her in, mouth suddenly going dry.

LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY

[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

Healing was a journey. And finding bits of joy in that was something Luna had focused on for the past four months. She'd made progress, but where she excelled in some places, she recessed in others. She had never been a particularly social girl - Phoebe had always been the friendly one, while Luna was undeniably prickly. As the days ticked by, Luna spent more and more time alone, not just out of choice, but out of necessity. It would be unfair to share her burden with someone else. She had to take time to learn herself.

Being outside in wide open spaces somehow made her feel less alone. How terrible was it to feel such solitude in a home full of people? She didn't belong there, or with her family. She wasn't cleared to rejoin Quidditch, so she didn't belong there either. She was just... a wanderer. Luna let her mind meander as she trudged along the path she'd walked so many times. She rarely looked up at dog walkers or other ramblers. She was just lost in her thoughts. Lost in space. It was only her and the sea with a thin line of beach separating the two.

Luna's head jerked sharply upwards when she heard her name. She blinked a few times, clearing her vision before squinting as she took in the person before her. Her heart stuttered to a stop, and her breathing caught in her throat. It was a full minute before she could bring herself to say anything. How had he found her? She'd gotten his letters, but despite having wanted so badly to answer, she couldn't bring herself to. She had to find herself first, and she was undoubtedly still lost. "Simon," Luna murmured, casting her gaze over him. He looked... different. He was less grey, his face less tense, more open. He'd always been the friendlier of the two, but looking back, Luna never noticed the strain it must have put on him.

For a long moment, the pair simply looked at one another, drinking each other in after months apart. After years of cat and mouse and push and pull, of such indescribable emotion that she felt like her heart would tear open, he was before her. "Simon," she repeated herself, tasting his name on her lips again. It was familiar and warm. "You wrote to me..." said Luna after another long beat. "I never wrote back."

simon sixten svendsen

[simon sixten svendsen]

After a long moment of staring at each other, Luna finally said something. Simon shook his head understandably when she mentioned not writing him back. Offering her a small but kind smile, ”No, you didn’t..” he confirmed, ”That’s okay, there's no need for an apology, Luna. I wasn’t expecting a response from you. Those letters were probably depressing to read.” Simon stated as matter of factly, face going red as he  swallowed dryly. There was another long awkward moment. It wasn’t the awkwardness he dreaded though.

Simon was in a battle with himself unsure if she should hug her. He wanted to but was too afraid to touch her. If he had touch, one taste, he knew how painful it was to be deprived of Luna, again. Simon shoved his hands into his coat pockets, awkwardness creeping in. It was these times he wished he had booze which he knew wasn't a healthy coping mechanism. His icy saucers looked down and then up again, ”You look like you’re doing better.” Simons gaze softened on her, running a hand through his messy locks as he realized how tragic it was to be strangers with someone who once was your everything. He couldn't help but notice a familiar sadness in her eyes.

LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY

[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

The silence between Luna and Simon didn't feel awkward, despite the uncertain terms they'd last parted on. There was a strange heaviness to Luna's chest, and she touched her sternum as if that would release the pressure. At last, Luna spoke. And Simon returned her words with a smile. Her heart wrenched at the sight - how had she forgotten how his his eyes crinkled when he smiled? She replied with the first thing that came to mind. "I didn't apologise."

Luna pressed her lips together, stopping herself from continuing on into the hole she had dug. Her grey eyes were wide as she surveyed Simon, completely thrown by his sudden reappearance in her life after months apart. It was so easy to forget the pain and heartache they'd caused one another. "But I am sorry. I just... didn't know what to write. I wasn't ready," said Luna at last, her gaze earnest as she silently pleaded with Simon to remember everything that had happened. The good and the bad. "How did we become so broken?" she asked quietly, wrapping her arms around herself as if to keep from falling apart.

That was just how Luna felt. Broken - shattered, crushed, irreparable. Months of therapy and years of singular focus and she still couldn't sort out how she was supposed to feel or where she was supposed to belong. Drifting had helped somewhat, becoming like a leaf floating on the breeze. But still, Luna felt restless. "I am. I think. Are you?" asked Luna, her voice still uncharacteristically soft.

simon sixten svendsen

[simon sixten svendsen]

Talking to Luna felt like a dream. There were so many nights he lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering what he would say to Luna if he had a chance to talk to her again. All of those words seemed to escape him as he faced her now. Their eyes locked and Simon couldn't look away. As Luna reminded him she didn't apologize to him, the corner of his mouth upturned awkwardly, unable to control his eyes from widening. Now that was the Luna he knew so well. Simon laughed, "Oh, that's right...You didn't." he chuckled to himself as his face went red, ruffling an awkward hand through his hair realizing how stupid he must have sounded. Then, she apologized. It wasn't what he thought he wanted but there was something nice about that. A couple of weeks ago he felt forgotten, which was a feeling he knew he had to overcome. In reality Luna didn't owe him anything. Not even a single letter. Why did he still want to give her the world? It was hard to turn the page when he was unsure if Luna would be a part of the next chapter.

The way Luna wrapped her arms around her body made her seem so small and insecure. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was still hurting. They still had many battles to fight. Fuck. He wondered where their relationship was officially doomed and wondered if he had actually tried would they have had a chance.

Simon went against the little voice in his head not to hug her. He couldn't resist. The selfish part of him wanted to comfort her. To comfort himself. Simon slowly pulled her in for a hug, holding her for a moment. Luna still fit like a missing puzzle piece in his arms, "Sometimes the heart needs more time to accept what the mind already knows." he told her softly. Simon slowly released his arms from around her, unsure if that was allowed. "Sorry.." he swallowed hard, Adams apple bobbing in his throat as he took a step back, regretting pulling away so quickly.

Clearing his throat, he shrugged, "I've been better...but okay..better than I've been in a while." he answered honestly, afraid of being ~too honest. "Hit my 100 days sober mark last week." Simon bit down on his lip, feeling a bit of humility but truly it was a milestone he was proud to overcome. Every day he was met with challenges regarding his sobriety, reminding him time and time again he had horrible coping mechanism skills.

LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY

[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

There was a certain dreamy quality to the air around them - or was that just sea mist? Perhaps Luna was dreaming, that Simon wasn't really here in front of her, talking to her as if... as if... as if they hadn't gone through heaven and hell together. She inhaled, held her breath for a moment, then exhaled. Her next words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, but they weren't at all untrue. She hadn't apologised. Simon chuckled awkwardly and his cheeks went read - and it was Luna's instinct to reach out and touch the strong line of his jaw. She stuffed her hands firmly in her pockets as to resist the urge.

Luna stiffened as Simon gathered her in a hug, and his familiar scent wrapped around her. Wetness spring to her eyes, and she squeezed them closed, begging herself not to lose composure completely. She wanted to return the gesture, to wrap her arms around him and kiss him until she was breathless, until she forgot everything but the sensation of him. Luna allowed herself to rest her cheek against Simon's chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart. Could he sense her pulse rushing in her veins? Did he know she missed every bit of him?

When Simon stepped back, Luna instantly missed his proximity. She shuffled in place, but fixed Simon with a determined gaze. "You don't need to apologise," she said after a moment. How long had it taken her to get to a place where she could at least function? These past months, Luna had done nothing but really exist. The mind healer had helped with her disorder, but there was a piece of her soul missing. As Luna observed Simon from where she stood, rooted to the ground, she wondered if he'd taken that piece with him all those months ago.

It couldn't be so though, Luna argued with herself. Their rivalry had bloomed into friendship, and then to more. Simon had crushed Luna when he'd chosen Claudia. And they found themselves a second chance at joy - only to be ruined by their own vices. Her admission was made in a very small voice, as if she wondered herself if it was true. She offered Simon a small smile as he revealed that he'd been 100 days sober. "That's fantastic, Simon," she said, mustering the energy to really mean it. Because she did - Luna remembered each day that Simon came home, more drunk than the last, reeking of old booze and sweat after a night with the boys. How those days had started to become Simon's escape rather than Quidditch itself. "It must be very difficult. You always were the brave one," she added with a sad smile.

simon sixten svendsen

[simon sixten svendsen]

Luna tensed up ever so slightly as he hugged her, sending his stomach to sink to the floor. Regret instantly filled Simon after he pulled away from the embrace, desperately grasping for any reason to pull her in again. It was obvious they were both nervous from the encounter being so sudden. This was the last place he expected to see Luna...he should’ve been searching for her by the sea all along. Not that she wanted to be found. Especially by him.

Simon couldn’t remember the last time he felt so nervous talking to Luna. In the past she never made him nervous. He had more memories of her pissing him off and hurting his feelings and ego more than anything. Times like these were a great reminder of how heavily he relied on his old habits and temptations to get by. This would be the part where he’d habitually ask her for a drink, back when he still indulged.

A whirlwind of emotions overwhelmed him as he realized that he was truly experiencing life sober for the first time. It had become a high in itself. Simon could tell that Luna was proud of his achievement in her own Luna kind of way. ”You’ve always been the strong-willed and disciplined one.” he added with a soft smile, offering her a soft glance as he really tried to read her face. It was hard to tell how she was actually doing. Luna was always a hard read, even more difficult with how far they drifted apart. Simons icy blue saucers locked on her, trying to receive any glimpse into her life. Too bad he couldn't read minds. Instead he noticed a sadness in her eyes, wishing he could take it all away.

His head bobbed into a slow nod as he took a slow breath in, ruffling a hand through his hair, ”It’s been difficult.." he agreed, "The hardest thing I've ever done, but I’ll do whatever I have to do to stay clean, because, well, I don’t want to repeat the 12 Steps again... I’ve completed about 30 Steps after having to restart three times..” he joked with a light chuckle, willing to make fun of himself. To be fair, if he didn’t laugh, he’d probably cry. During his time in rehab he learned more about humility (the seventh step) than he ever had in his 20 years of life which was quite the task for his Gryffindor heart. 

Simon couldn’t recall seeing Luna’s name on any of the quidditch rosters the last time he checked. The rosters were a way he was able to check up on her until one day she wasn’t on the active players list anymore. He wished life was simple like it was back when they were at Hogwarts. Where he could ask her to play quidditch to solve all his current problems. His eyes trailed to the floor for a moment, unsure if he should mention quidditch. Simons eyes met Luna's before clearing his throat awkwardly, "We didn't leave off the best terms the last time we talked." he stated, feeling more like word vomit. His expression softened in a way it only softened for Luna, a hand gently falling to her arm as he leaned in closer to her, yearning to scoop her back into his arms like easier times. ”How’ve you been? Really?” he dared to ask, genuinely wishing to get any insight into her life. 

LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY

[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

Emotion swirled in the bright blue eyes of the man Luna had once loved - and perhaps still did. But Luna forbade herself from dwelling on the what ifs and the could have beens. They'd gone their separate ways for a reason, after whipping one another into a mad frenzy of toxicity. She searched his face, so open and offering and kind as always. Luna swallowed thickly, feeling the betrayal of tears prickling at the backs of her eyes. She took a deep breath, refocusing her energy.

Luna gave a wry half smile at Simon's observation. "And look where that got me - into the loony bin and out of play for nine months," she said with a heavy sigh. "It needed to happen though. I needed to wake up," she added softly, looking out over the roiling sea. The wind had picked up. Almost like the atmosphere was reading the emotions of the pair of them, hurtling towards some unknown crescendo. Luna's heart thumped in her chest, an insatiable and unstoppable beat that felt like despair and fear all wrapped into one. She took another deep breath, as she'd been reminded to do so many times. In times like these, just breathe. Sometimes, it was all she could do.

Somehow, Luna managed to convey that she was proud of Simon for his sobriety. She only wished she could share a similar milestone - but everything felt so grey and unclear in her life. Luna cracked a genuine smile at Simon's joke about 30 steps. "Who is the determined one now?" she asked, tilting her head slightly as she finally met his gaze again. It was like being sucked into a vortex, a cooing voice willing her to relax, to forget, to come closer. To let herself love and be loved again. Luna blinked, and the sensation washed away. "No, we didn't," Luna agreed. Something inside her stirred as Simon stepped closer to her, a hand falling to his arm. It swirled uncomfortably in the pit of her stomach, a mixture of fight and flight.

Luna's breath hitched at the unexpected graze of skin. She wanted to move, to flee, to remind herself of the self imposed solitude she'd been languishing in. But the memory of that intense loneliness touched at the sides of her mind, and she found herself rooted to the spot. She opened her mouth to satisfy him with the same lie she'd been telling everyone, including herself. That she'd been better, but she was on the way towards a brighter and healthier future. But the words didn't come. After a pregnant pause, Luna snapped shut her mouth once more. And after another moment, she finally spoke. It came out like a broken dam, everything she'd been so afraid of, her failures, her isolation, how her life had stagnated.

"I feel so lost. Like I'm just... drifting. And I am so alone, and I hate it. I hate what I've had to do, losing myself in the process of trying to heal my mind. It's like I don't even know me anymore. I'm just a shell," said Luna in a rush of emotion that she'd held back for so long. The traitorous tears finally did break free from their prison, coursing down her cheeks. But Luna stayed rooted to the spot, shaking slightly at her admission. "I wish none of this had happened - that I could go back and keep living in a dream."

simon sixten svendsen

[simon sixten svendsen]

A cool gust whipped Simons hair messily as he listened to Luna, hanging onto each and every word that fell from her lips. There was a moment he caught himself staring at her lips, tearing his eyes to the floor for such thoughts. It seemed like they both had been through hell and back over the past year. Maybe someday they’d be bullet proof after everything. Nodding his head understandably, sadness pinched at his gut from Luna’s confession. She explained feeling like an empty shell, numb. Simon wished desperately to take her sadness and loneliness away. He wished he had a time machine and could go back to the days where they loved each other and their only problems were fighting over who loved who more. Simpler times.

Simon knew he needed to be careful with what words he chose next. Sucking a breath in though his nose, he raised a hand to wipe away fallen tears that ran down her face. ”You’re putting in the work to be better..” Simon told her softly, features melting at her admission, wishing desperately to make her feel better. Simon always struggled deciding how to react when girls cried, especially Luna, he wanted to hold and console her but he knew he couldn’t. ”I-I would do anything to go back in time and do things right.” he confessed, removing his hand from her shoulder and shoving it into his pockets since he no longer had the privilege of touching Luna whenever he wanted anymore.

A hand ran through Simons hair as he continued to watch Luna. He noticed the deep, familiar, sadness in her eyes. ”You’ve always been so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You're living and learning about yourself every day. Take a moment to sit back and marvel at your life. The suffering that strengthened you..the sadness that has softened you..the wisdom you’ll obtain when you come out on the other side. Quidditch will always be around, you won't." pausing, his mouth shut as he shook his head in disappointment in himself. ”-I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth…” Sighing through his nose as he shook his head in disappointment with himself, he bit the inside of his cheek. At one point in his life quidditch was everything. One day not too long ago Luna was his everything. It was sad how quickly everything could change. Locking into Luna's gaze, his face softened as it usually did with Luna. "My point is...You're doing a great job, Luna." he told her in a gentle tone, offering her a kind, reassuring smile, yearning to give her a comforting hug.


LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY

[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

Self imposed isolation did not suit Luna. Though she had never been a very popular girl, her personality was too prickly for that, she'd always surrounded herself with like minded individuals. People who were scrappy and hungry. People who wouldn't get in the way of her single- minded scramble to the top. But these last few months had been indescribably difficult. She had no team, she felt like she had no support. Only the mind healer, and the peripheral relationship with her house mates. When Simon touched her arm, something akin to terror shot through Luna's veins, but she remained rooted to the spot. She wanted to lie to him as she had to everyone else - that she was getting better. That the light at the end of the tunnel was growing brighter rather than dimmer. That she wasn't losing hope with each dreary day that passed.

As Simon wiped away the tears that trickled down her cheeks, Luna involuntarily flinched away. She wasn't so used to casual touches anymore. But as she confessed to Simon, the person who she had trusted without fail, who had filled her life with love and friendship, she felt a weight fall away. She wished she was different. She wished she could be the person who could accept love without conditions. Luna observed him silently - to do things right? What had they done so wrong? She couldn't pinpoint an exact moment when their trajectory had turned so pointedly downwards. When had they become poison rather than ichor?

Luna listened, emotion flickering behind her steel grey eyes. It was a momentous speech from Simon, who to any outsider would appear shallow and unconcerned. With the way that their gazes met, Luna knew that the past few months had changed the both of them. "I can't either," said Luna, her lips twitching as she fought a smile. But it was futile, and her lips stretched into a grin she reserved only for him. For the only person she had ever loved. "You've become wise in your thirty steps," she added. "I guess we just have to get up every day and face it. We don't get to choose how and when we are born or die, but we can live our dash," she murmured. Luna reached out and gingerly touched Simon's hand. "Look at us now. It's like we've aged a hundred years - what happened to fighting over the Quidditch pitch and sneaking away to the astronomy tower?" asked Luna, almost reminiscently.

simon sixten svendsen

[simon sixten svendsen]

Luna flinched away from Simon wiping her tears away which he should have expected. He knew her well enough to know she wasn’t one to show emotion, let alone cry in a public place. Stepping back slightly, he placed his hands back to his sides, not knowing what to do with them suddenly. Love sat angrily at the back of his throat, threatening to cry out ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’, but he held back. That would be weird. Ruffling a hand through his hair Simon watched Luna carefully, hanging onto each word. On Simons journey to being a better man, he tried to be more mindful with what came out of his mouth, to really mean what he said, and say what he meant. That also came with the territory of allowing people to speak and not interrupt them by talking over them.

A smile curled at the corner of Simon’s lips as Luna stated he was wiser after his '33 Steps' and reminiscing over their best days together. Maybe that was the secret..keeping their love for no one but themselves, hiding away from prying eyes and downplaying things. Simons hand felt warm where Luna's hand squeezed his briefly. ”Those were some of the best times of my life." he stated, completely meaning it. Being a teenager were the best years. Man, he missed being a careless kid with no responsibilities. "Hogwarts feels like a past life now doesn’t it…" he sighed, truly missing the good old days but there was something bittersweet about the current too. These days he felt like he could do anything he set his mind to. He hoped that feeling never fizzled.

The pair were silent for a moment, looking out into the coastal water as small boats bobbed by. It was shame he didn't come here more often. Something told him he wouldn't have been as happy to run into Luna here if it were a few months prior.

Simon leaned on the railing as he took in a breath of the coastal breeze before turning toward her, ”Bet I could still fly circles around ya…” he stated smugly with a confident smile, reminiscent to how they’d speak to each other on the pitch back at Hogwarts. Simon was obviously joking...he just knew how much that statement used to trigger a younger Luna. His smile faded ever so slightly as a thought popped into his head, ”Maybe one of these days we could hit the pitch again for old times sake..” he dared to offer, his tone friendly and inviting, but still a hint of lingering awkwardness. There was no ulterior motive other than to play quidditch at this time, but he knew that could change. ”No funny business--" he paused, expression falling more knowingly. "There may be minimal funny business, if you allow.”


LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY

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[LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY]

Luna forgot how easy it as for her to lose herself in Simon's eyes. His touch. How comfortable she felt with him from loving him for so long. She reflected on how their relationship had changed over the years - never really enemies, but always rivals. They were like twin flames, bound to one another even if matters of circumstance kept them apart. "Like a finished book," she agreed after a moment. "Closed with a bang." There was something darkly humorous about her point, drawing out an uneasy grin from Luna. Their last day at Hogwarts had been punctuated with flame and death - and it wasn't something she was entirely keen on revisiting.

They were silent for a while then, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Had they been able to be at peace like this before? Luna's memories were filled with laughter and quips, taunts and jokes. They had never really been silent. Luna shot Simon a sharp look, and huffed out a laugh. "I doubt that, Svedson," she replied with an air of her old confidence. "Well, maybe only now because I'm a bit out of practice," she amended with a shrug.

Luna chewed on the inside of her cheek thoughtfully. Though the proposition was tempting - alarmingly so - she was afraid of what she'd be able to do with a broken heart. Or worse, what she couldn't face. "Maybe," she finally replied, not giving much away as to her inner turmoil. Luna glanced at Simon, her face stilling. "Simon..." she murmured, trailing off. She knew Simon had meant it at a joke - which meant that at the heart of things, he was still the boy she'd fallen head over heels in love with. Always looking for a smile. "It probably wouldn't be wise," said Luna at last, though something stirred irritably in her belly at the thought. "Old habits die hard, right?"

simon sixten svendsen

[simon sixten svendsen]

Simon marveled at the beauty of Luna’s eyes, finding himself getting lost in the moment by the way she looked at him. There was a feeling stirring inside him that he knew he wasn’t supposed to acknowledge. They both worked too hard to spiral back so easily.

Maybe he was joking…but there was always a bit of truth behind all jokes. His smile faltered ever so slightly when Luna said his name and trailed off, he nodded understandably, ”No, you’re right.” Simon stated quickly, taking a step back into his own bubble. His heart dropped at the admission knowing he was lying to himself. Luna stated that old habits die strong and his eyes widened with agreement as he chuckled. ”Fuck yeah, they do.” he confirmed, swallowing anxiously, knowing he shouldn’t have just done that. There was no way they could go back into that cycle again. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

”I’m sorry.” he swallowed thickly. These were the times he wished he had alcohol to soothe these sort of feelings. Nowadays he was getting more creative in the kitchen to distract himself from reality. It helped but naturally he was lazy, so he didn’t always enjoy it. Nor was cooking or baking fun when you didn't have someone to cook for. It had been a while since he'd seen his mates. He was afraid of spiraling into his old ways again because most people he knew drank and partied. Life was lonely sober. "That was stupid.." he grumbled with a laugh, forcing a smile at his eyes peeled to the floor before out into the water again. This was much more painful than he thought it would be. "It's just-" he paused, knowing he shouldn't allow the words to flow from his mouth like they wanted to. Simon closed his mouth and scratched the top his head. "I'm happy you're doing better, Luna." There was so much more he wanted to say to her but he knew it wouldn't be fair. Neither of them probably preferred to have a brain or heart dump.

LUNA LACHESIS TRELAWNEY