edge of eternity [Addy]

[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

12 January 2029

After the constant chaos of Puff Palace, it was strange to sit in silence. Ever since he’d moved in with the other former Hufflepuffs, there was always something happening somewhere. He could be developing his photographs in the dark room, arguably the most secluded room in the flat, and still hear the chaos in the background of Eli knocking things over or Brody bringing another owl back ‘just for the night’ (according to him, at least). It became a constant backdrop of white noise in his life, and most of the time he didn’t even notice it. Not until it was gone, at least.

So he sat on the couch in Addy and Brígh’s flat, and even the usual source of chaos here (really, Brígh and her parties) was also missing. Cheese wasn’t usually so observant about his surroundings, and in fact that’s what usually led to stupid (but funny) accidents like hitting his head on low-hanging lights or his knees knocking into chairs while he walked around and scrolled through photos on one of his digital cameras. This time, though – nope, this time there was just him on a couch sitting with the physically tangible weight of silence in the room. He had his laptop open, balancing on his knees, and he was messing around with the saturation level on a photo while he waited for Addy to walk back into the room.

Were things maybe still a little awkward? Sure, of course. Well-Intentioned Awkwardness (TM) was a sort of specialty of his, and this time it did feel like his fault because of the stupid thoughts racing through his head. It had barely been a full week since he’d broken up with Mallory, and he was painfully aware of why even if he hadn’t shared it with anyone else yet. But that wasn’t why he’d dropped by – and for once, photography wasn’t the reason either. No, Addy was still nursing the wounds (physically and emotionally) of being benched and Brígh wasn’t quite the right person to comfort her. The two girls had always been close, but Brígh just didn’t get Quidditch and that was a natural obstacle in understanding why Addy was so upset.

So he was going to be a good friend. That was the reason, the only reason, he was here, and he reminded himself of it sternly. Cheese focused back on the photograph, smiling a little at the puffskeins all piled on top of each other. Even so, he was hyper-aware of his surroundings (more than usual, for sure) and his hand slipped a little when Addy walked back in. The saturation level dropped so fast that it looked like a shot from one of the Twilight movies. Cheese winced – now the puffskeins looked like they were contemplating the short and meaningless specter of existence. Still, he went with it. “What d’you think?” he asked, turning the laptop around so she could see the screen. “I can add a lyric from a Bête Noire song and make a poster. It’d be a hit with the MAGIC kids.”

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Addy had stopped counting how many times she’d answered the question, ‘How are you?’ As the number grew, so did her frustration at the demotion back to bench warmer. The door from the kitchen closed with a thud behind her as Addy returned to the living room. Cheese had dropped by, and although he’d messaged the day before to give her a heads up—Addy still felt it was a bit unexpected. After accepting the offer to join the Harpies as a reservist, Addy stopped playing with the local Quidditch League. Her new schedule had been far too busy to find spare time for such activities, plus part of her knew she was in the big leagues now.

But she’d missed seeing Cheese. However, those final weekends with the surprisingly competitive and aggressive matches (with an obscene number of fouls on both sides) had left Addy ready to find an excuse to stop going. It wasn’t seeing her ex-boyfriend laugh at something another girl had told him. Nope. Or watching how he would tilt his head when obviously photographing a moment in his head. And it certainly wasn’t that Cheese was doing all that with someone else. Nope. The careful balance they’d found the previous year was their only chance to remain friends, and like hell, Addy would ruin that. She always worked hard at her goals, and the failure of their relationship was still a failure that loomed from the past because Addy did not fail.

But surviving this injury, while feeling like some great accomplishment, also felt like a failure. Despite the lack of clear direction of her career and no promise of a permanent position—Addy still felt like she’d been so close to something. The match made the Prophet’s Sports section discuss the injuries and length of the match. Naturally, Grey and Claire both checked in quickly while Addy focused on letting her broken bones heal overnight in St. Mungo’s. And her best friends, but Brigh never understood Addy’s love of the sport. Unfortunately, only Cheese could come close to understanding what was on Addy’s mind at the moment.

Addy approached the couch with a butterbeer in each hand and focused on the laptop screen. The puffskeins looked eerie and not at all like the harmless and cute creatures they actually were. ”I’m sure you could print it on a shirt.” Addy replied, shaking her head. It seemed the sort of thing they would wear when classes were not in session. It reminded Addy of their age and how long ago fourth or fifth year was. She placed one bottle on the side table next to Cheese, leaning into his space momentarily. And she put her own bottle on the coffee table before returning to the couch. She sighed heavily. ”At this rate, I’ll have to play with the T’s again—well, when I’m cleared.” Addy felt fine, and she was fine. No long-term effects of a concussion were noted, and yet she still had to wait.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

If there was one thing Cheese had mastered, it was being completely fine-tuned to Addy’s presence whenever she was nearby. It was the simple byproduct of being inseparable since they’d been eleven years old, especially for that brief period when Brígh had withdrawn from Hogwarts and left them alone. He couldn’t control the fact that his senses seemed to heighten one hundred percent when Addy was around, but he’d gotten pretty good at hiding it – and even tuning it out every now and then once he’d started getting closer to Mallory. But it was his worst habit to slide back into familiar patterns and play out the same scenes all over again, especially if it involved someone else and triggered his people-pleasing tendencies.

So he still felt that subtle streak of lightning shoot down his spine as she leaned in and her perfume momentarily overwhelmed his senses. Cheese felt himself swallow a little nervously as she leaned back, and he kept fiddling with the settings on his photo to distract himself. It looked depressing to him, but he knew some fellow photography enthusiasts that overused the black-and-white aesthetic and played with dark humor in their subjects. He exhaled in agreement with Addy’s observation that a t-shirt might go over well, but a moment later he clicked undo and restored the color. “They look happier like this,” he decided, smiling at the puffskeins again. With that he pushed the laptop back a couple inches on his lap and took the opportunity to stretch after staying in one position for so long.

After a beat, he reached out to snatch the butterbeer off the side table, barely having to reach to grab it. Cheese checked the label and took a long swig. “Dicky always orders me extra-foam whenever I’m late to meet him,” he said, his gaze far away as he remembered the last time he’d gone to Hogsmeade. It was well-known that Cheese hated foam on his butterbeer, which he guessed was sort of the point. Never get a Ravenclaw angry – their revenge could be just as devious as a Slytherin’s. Cheese had legitimately been trying to be better about his time management, but some things just couldn’t wait. The problem with getting the perfect shot was that it only existed for a moment. And once it was gone, you could never get it back. That explanation had never gone over well with Addy, and he’d fought about it once or twice with Mallory too.

He floated back from his idle daydreams at the somber reminder of his now ex-girlfriend, and Cheese rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously as he tried to banish the thought. Addy’s off-hand comment didn’t help, although the frustration in her tone was obvious and came from another source completely. “It’ll be good practice for you,” Cheese offered, trying to keep the sympathy out of his tone and instead analyze the problem from a logical point of view. He figured Addy would want to hear that rather than any perceived pity from him. “You can keep up your usual drills so you won’t be rusty when the team assigns you a new slot.” After a pause, he mumbled, “And you can say hi to everyone from me.” He exhaled slowly and forced himself to stop fidgeting, instead letting his arm fall on the back of the sofa. He was going to miss the T’s, but he didn’t see any other choice. It would be too awkward for both of them to keep going, and Mallory had brought him in. He took another long sip of his butterbeer to avoid chasing that thought.

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Addy glanced at the photo again after sitting down. The couch wasn’t very big, but she still had to lean toward the middle to see his computer screen. Surprisingly for Addy, when she wasn’t aware, it was easy to be so physically close to him without feeling awkward or hyper-aware of all her appendages. ”I agree.” Puffskeins were happy creatures, not meant to act or appear sad. Magical creatures had never been of great interest to Addy, but some facts were unchangeable, such as how mooncalves were always cute in their own weird way.

She laughed, returning her bottle to the side table and scooting away from the middle a bit. ”That sounds like him.” Dicky was a stickler for such things, at least in some cases. ”I dropped by his flat last week. Apparently, I’d woken him up.” She remembered the half-asleep look in his eyes and the way one side of his hair was flat while the other stuck out dramatically. But that was their best friend, and Addy, in hindsight, expected nothing less. The admiration they all held for one another was a true testament to friendship, even in cases like Addy and Cheese and their history.

Curling up in her corner of the couch, as she often did, Addy lightly shrugged as she stared off into another corner of the room. He was right—saying everything she’d already thought to herself. The organized narrator in her brain had preached much the same and it all made sense, not that it made Addy any happier or less miserable. But her eyes focused and snapped to Cheese. ”Why wouldn’t you be there?” She wondered curiously. Her first thought was that his workload had increased and that weekends were now occupied by photoshoots here and there. Which was good for his career, but the idea that she would be there and Cheese not…well, she hadn’t considered that.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

Things had been awkward for a while after the break-up and it’d been hard to find things to talk about with Addy. It had been a strange feeling, because he’d always been able to talk to her about almost anything. Brígh’s presence had also helped, because the third member of their trio had absolutely no filter and didn’t believe much in keeping secrets. So the conversation had always flowed between them, until it’d trickled to a halt and they’d stopped seeing so much of each other. The best way to break the awkward groove had been to talk about things that were so familiar that they didn’t take any thought, and their mutual friends had always been a safe space in that sense. Cheese cracked a smile at the thought of Addy waking Dicky up. “What, and you’ve lived to tell the tale?” he teased. It wasn’t hard to imagine what that conversation must’ve been like – but then again, Addy had always gotten away with things like that. Maybe it was the whole loving books more than people thing.

He leaned back on the couch and thought about it for a moment. “If I’d tried that, Dicky would’ve murdered me on the spot. And nobody’d know there’d even been a crime! He’d stage it to look like an accident.” Cheese paused, nodded to himself, and looked at Addy sternly. “Promise me you’d investigate my murder.” That was the sort of thing friends promised each other, right? It sounded reasonable to him. He glanced at the puffskeins again, then looked back at Addy curled up on her corner of the couch. It was a familiar pose to him, since it usually indicated that she was overthinking something and had curled up into a defensive position like some kind of self-comforting gesture. It could also mean that she was making herself comfortable, but the conspicuous lack of a book or half-taken-apart piece of Muggle technology indicated otherwise (Cheese had had a nightmare once that she’d done it to his camera, but she’d just laughed at him).

The thought ran through his mind for a moment to ask what she was thinking about, but Addy had always hated it when he tried to diagnose. So instead Cheese just sucked in a breath at her question and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’d be awkward to see Mallory,” he mumbled, “We, er, broke up.” He tilted his head until it fell back onto the couch and then stared up at the ceiling. He’d been absolutely useless after things had ended with Addy, and remembering the long months of depression had meant he'd procrastinated quite a bit on talking to Mallory. Now that he was a week after the disaster, he’d been reflecting on what he was feeling and what he should’ve been feeling. Depressed? Sure, a bit. Lost in his thoughts? Completely. But it wasn’t the same downward spiral he’d gone through and he couldn’t decide if that meant he was growing up or if he’d just been ignoring his gut for a lot longer than he thought.

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Addy half scoffed, half laughed. Her friendship with Dicky was different than with the others. From the beginning, academics was their pursuit, and they both excelled. Even when he returned to graduate later than the rest, Addy still felt that connection with him. Maybe that dynamic helped her stand up to him in a sense, but after years of friendship they also knew one another well enough by now. ”Well, he invited me and promptly forgot.” Had Addy been in the wrong, Dicky would have let her know without fail. In this case, she held the higher ground.

From her corner of the couch, Addy lazily looked to the side as Cheese made his request. She took a moment, pretending to consider it seriously. She supposed this would trump any call from Dicky requesting her help in staging the accident. ”I promise that I’ll get Claire to investigate your murder.” Her tone was almost flat, but she slowly smiled at the end. It felt good to talk like this again. No huge discussions or something pending, just talking about whatever came up. Like friends would do. Because lately, that’s what Addy needed. Otherwise, who knew where her mind would spiral in such a state? Her parents weren’t speaking to her, and the big, risky career change wasn’t going well.

It was everything for Addy to keep the thoughts of failure out of her mind. Their weight threatened to drag her from the cliff she held onto with her fingertips. Playing in the neighborhood league wouldn’t have been so bad, especially if it kept her mind busy. But she wasn’t sure if she wanted to if Cheese wouldn’t be there. And as to why? He pushed out an explanation, causing Addy to look at him, genuinely surprised. ”Oh.” Addy managed before coming to her senses. ”I didn’t know. I’m sorry to hear that.” was she? Of course, she was sorry. All Addy wanted was for Cheese to be happy. Though the part of her that had jealously fouled the other Chaser many times seemed to leap with joy. Is that why her stomach did an uncomfortable flip? Addy told herself no. It had been almost two years since their break up. All that was in the past now, right? ”How are you—uh—doing with all that?” She asked cautiously. If he didn’t want to discuss it with her, his ex-girlfriend, that felt fair, but she offered.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

Cheese was almost comforted by Addy’s promise to make sure his murder was investigated, except she’d invoked the name of her scary older sister and he instinctively looked over his shoulder to see if she’d magically appeared. It didn’t completely comfort him to see the room was empty besides them, but he settled back into the couch a moment later. “Well, alright. I s’pose Claire can check all the spots she’s imagined burying Grey in.” He knew a little about the family drama from Addy’s stories about the beef between her older siblings, but not too many details. Only the certainty that Claire could quite literally get away with murder, and that Cheese would notice if Grey suddenly disappeared from work. He'd been doing a rotation in the Sports Department, which meant the shock of seeing some of Addy’s features in Grey every day had worn off.

The conversation seemed to flow for a while and Cheese felt himself relaxed and smiling – it was definitely not possible to be both in his daily life. Being an adult was hard and working at a newspaper was stressful. But the brief moment of peace vanished at the mention of the T’s and Mallory, and Cheese stewed in silence at the thought of losing custody of the league in the break-up. The awkward pause continued for a while until Addy broke it with a hesitant comment, and Cheese glanced at her in skeptical surprise. She and Mallory had been responsible for half the fouls in their practices, and the half-sincere apologies got lost in the fact that there couldn’t be that many stray elbows in a match. “No one really knows yet,” Cheese said with a downcast shrug, “It’s still kind of new. Good to know you haven’t secretly picked up Legilimency, though.”

He ruminated on the horrific thought of Addy being able to read his mind for a moment, but moved on. He didn’t like horror movies much, so why picture her having access to all of his super-secret, most embarrassing thoughts about her? Cheese still caught himself having not-completely platonic thoughts and feeling at times, especially when she absolutely shone at the things she did, but he kept the secret between himself and his owl. He rubbed a hand down his face as he processed Addy’s loaded question. He'd been asking himself the same thing for a week, and he didn’t have Brígh’s quick thoughts or Addy’s eloquence to help him through it. He didn’t even have Jimmie’s completely cynical take on love and human attachment to reassure himself that all connections are temporary and end in pain.

“I dunno,” he finally said. It encapsulated everything. “I just…I know what that spark feels like, when you’re in the moment and you don’t want it to end. Or having to sit through something you don’t care about, but you do care because it makes her smile. And just…knowing that I take my best photos with her because she inspires me.” He sighed and sunk into the couch, feeling incredibly low with himself in that moment. “I dunno what’s wrong with me. I should’ve felt all those things with Mal, but I just didn’t.” It really made him feel like a cad. Like he’d been leading her on for a lot longer than he should’ve, because he thought the connection would build over time. He was too self-conscious at the thought to look at Addy, so he stared at his laptop screensaver instead.

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Addy chuckled at his joke. It was only made funnier because he was probably right. In all seriousness, Claire would certainly go to bat for Grey if the situation called. For example, if he had been there when Hogwarts burned to a crisp. She would complain the entire time but would still save her little brother. Though Addy supposed it would also depend on Claire’s temper that day. The Slater women and their tempers, where Addy’s didn’t flare as much as Claire or their mother, but when it did—well, there was no question about it. But Addy avoided commenting on her family. Despite the weeks that had passed, she had not heard from either of her parents. A fact that troubled and hurt her.

Fortunately, or unfortunately (depending on who you asked), Cheese’s recent breakup was the perfect distraction from acknowledging how hurt Addy felt from her parent's actions. She nodded sympathetically. He brought up an interesting point. Would Addy normally have noticed something was bothering him? Of course, she would. Right? Merlin, the past two years really changed their dynamic and connection entirely. Addy didn’t know how to feel about that and about feeling distant from someone who was once one of her closest friends and confidant, among other things. Even when Addy didn’t see Brígh for two months, she could read the woman like a book when she walked through the door. ”I guess I can’t read you like I used to.” She lightly joked, though it felt more bittersweet than funny.

Addy shifted so she could remain curled up but facing Cheese directly. There was that tone. The way he paced his thoughts or sighed, Addy could still read those cues and signs. Chewing lightly on the inside of her lip, Addy let a few moments pass. ”Cheese—“ She wanted him to listen to her, so Addy scooted closer to him, sitting with her knees bent and legs to the side. But she wasn’t quite tall enough to comfortably rest her elbow on the top of the couch, but Addy could still lean. ”There’s nothing wrong with you.” And the thing was, Addy knew what he was talking about. The spark. Like when she dated that Auror the year before last but something had been missing. She then thought of Jack, but that was hardly an appropriate daydream for the moment. ”Some things just aren’t meant to work out.” She added. Hearing her statement aloud even made Addy wonder what things she referenced. Many things fell into that bucket.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

I guess I can’t read you like I used to. It was such a sad sentence, an entire history neatly summed up in less than ten words. That’d been the crux of his relationship with Addy since they’d left Hogwarts, really. They’d discovered that adulthood changed people, once they were deeply immersed in the real world and separated by more than just a corridor or painting. Their circumstances changed, their dreams changed, and eventually you stopped to look back at the person you’d been once and wonder why you didn’t see them in the mirror anymore. His fingers fiddled with the keys on his keyboard as he considered the thought. Maybe she couldn’t read him like she’d been able to once, but he was also becoming a different person too. Slowly but surely, at least, the kind of change you didn’t quite notice in the day-to-day. So maybe it wasn’t such a surprising thing that to read the new chapters, you had to stop reading the previous ones.

He might’ve tried to say some of that out-loud, but his guilt at the break-up was eating him alive and it stubbornly invaded his thoughts. It was hard to philosophize about the difficulties of leaving school when he was wondering how long he’d been leading Mallory on, or why he’d let it go on for so long. The use of his nickname from Addy was a little strange to hear out-loud after she’d been making an effort to use his real name, and the surprise was enough to distract him from his laptop long enough to look at her inquisitively. He exhaled slowly as she spoke, and it took him a long time to process the thought. He wasn’t a quick thinker like Addy, who was able to come up with answers on the spot and put together eloquent responses.

No, he’d always taken a lot longer to articulate his thoughts, or to match his feelings to words he could say out-loud. He struggled with the process now, tapping his fingers erratically and frowning at the thought that some things were doomed from the start. “I hate disappointing people,” he mumbled. “This thought of…if I’d just tried harder…” He knew it was a never-ending circle of pain to entertain a thought like that, but he thought Addy might understand how hard it was – if only because she’d spent years trying to please her parents and sacrificing a lot of things to do it. He sighed a little and rubbed at his face with a hand. “What am I supposed to do, Addy? If I try to please other people, I get so miserable. But when I try to do things for me, I end up alone. It never feels right.”

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

After she spoke, Addy’s own words hit her square in the chest. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine Raphael McLaggen feeling so far away from her. She felt guilty, if only because the downturn—the failure of their relationship felt like her fault. That thought was something Addy carried around constantly without admitting it to anybody. And she knew Cheese well enough to know he would hardly demand she take the blame. Addy supposed it added to the guilt that she could sometimes take advantage of his pacifist nature, especially in hindsight. But no Slater worth their salt would admit such things aloud.

Cheese’s demeanor didn’t appear to change. Merlin, when was the last time Addy saw him like this? Perhaps during the tail end of their relationship as they both held on for dear life and for different reasons. Regardless, it hurt to see him in pain. Though whether that was because of their long-time friendship or how she felt about him was a different story. And naturally, her brain went into overdrive trying to find solutions like this was just a problem on their homework. ’I hate disappointing people.’ Addy’s eyes quickly shifted back to Cheese as he spoke. She reminded herself to breathe as his words reminded Addy of her current situation.

When Addy admitted to Claire the previous year how she had been absolutely miserable since leaving school, it had been a weight off her shoulders, at least for a while. As long as Addy had a chance to fly during matches, her anxieties and doubts had melted away, but now, they had all returned from their hiding spots. Sighing heavily, Addy slumped a little. ”I…I don’t know…” She spoke softly. While many things came to Addy’s mind, she hardly felt the confidence to share any thoughts. ”I feel like I’m hardly the best person to ask for advice right now…” A short-lived Quidditch career after walking away from a promising Ministry career? This decision defied all the logic Addy had based her life on until the previous year.

The former Slytherin was loathe to admit she felt upside down. Remaining quiet momentarily, Addy tried to think what Brígh might say—something to contrast the usual Addy logical stance. ”You know you’re never alone, right?” Softly, she placed a hand on his arm. Merlin—if Brígh heard any of them claim to be alone, she’d throw a book at their face or perhaps a lump of sand to remind them they were stuck with her until the end of time. And she would be right.

”You know I—um—“ Addy swallowed hard, forcing down whatever she was feeling. People had been in and out of the flat since her accident. Her best friends, teammates, former coworkers, her brother and sister, and she’d yet to hear from her parents. ”—there hasn’t been a day since I quit the Ministry where I haven’t thought about how I probably ruined my life.” While it hurt, Addy wasn’t surprised either. Her mother barely batted an eye, hearing Addy run through a burning castle. “Except when I was flying…and now I’m not…” The cost to do something she loved had been immensely high, but the cost to herself was equal, if not more, had she remained on the path her parents gave her. Maybe it was just a matter of whatever hurt less.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

These thoughts had been floating around in Cheese’s mind for so long that he got temporarily lost in the vortex of darkness. Friendships in the early 20’s were a strange thing. Most people felt lost, drifting along in the current as they adjusted to reality and realized that life wasn’t as good as it’d seemed in school or stories. And nobody really had answers, which meant you had to lean on other people with their own baggage and do the same for them. He’d always felt so grounded in the moment, and in a few certainties that seemed like they’d always be true. His whole time had Hogwarts had felt like a summery haze, until they’d suddenly gotten to graduation and he’d felt like he was stepping off the ledge and into nothing but air. And now Rafe was realizing that those certainties (like the fact that he’d always have his friends, and they’d always find a way to make things work) felt so far away. He wasn’t even sure that clinging to them was the right way to feel anchored again. Like maybe the key to putting his feet back on the ground was to let the current sweep him away first.

He and Addy had been learning how to have conversations and hang out again, which meant they hadn’t gotten much into angsty topics (nothing that would wreck the tentative steps they were making into having a real friendship again). So when she hinted at her own inner turmoil, and even telling him that she couldn’t quite give him advice right now, Cheese’s attention returned outwards and he turned his gaze towards her. She’d gotten quiet, which meant she was carefully putting sentences together in her head, and he let himself look her over. She did look tired, like she had insecurities of her own keeping her up at night. The thought depressed Cheese. Addy had always been the member of the trio with answers, and it’d taken him a long time to see the strain that put on her. He’d always tried so hard not to add to it with his own problems.

When she touched his arm, he gave her a shaky smile and nodded. “You promise?” he asked, wanting to believe it but also just needing to hear her say it out-loud. They’d always said that to each other, especially when Brígh had left for a while and they’d been dealing with the hole in their group. But it had been a while since she’d said anything so intimate to him. He paused for a moment, then gently took her hand. It was better not to overthink things. It felt natural, and comfortable, and her warm hand anchored him in a way he hadn’t been able to feel in the last week. He immediately shook his head as she admitted how hard quitting the Ministry had been.

“You didn’t ruin your life,” he said firmly. This was something he, at least, didn’t have any doubts about, and his expression was open and sincere as he continued. “You’re listening to yourself about what you need. That’s never a bad thing.” Cheese paused as he tried to find the right words to express his thoughts, and his thumb idly ran over Addy’s hand as he spoke. “You’ll start flying again soon. But even if you don’t…you’d have never found that feeling if you let yourself get stuck somewhere you hate. So…even if it’s not Quidditch, you’ll find something else to make you happy. I believe in you. And everything you’ve done since you left the Ministry…well, doesn’t it show that you should believe in yourself too?”

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Apparently, it was too much to ask the universe to provide a repository where Addy could find information and study and, therefore, climb out of this rut. Doubt consistently stemmed from the abstract paths in her life. The ones with no clear ending or way forward but a way nonetheless. She ignored those branching paths her entire life, if only because of the fog. One of those paths had been letting herself fall for her best friend. One expected large acromantulas or boggarts to provide the ultimate fear but nobody said anything about unexpected feelings.

”Yes.” Addy wanted to add something about Brígh, but somehow she knew that wasn’t what he was asking. Their…relationship was a different matter. All things Cheese and Brígh were platonic, just as between Addy and Brígh. Now that she had just unloaded quite a bit on him, Addy realized how much weight she carried talking to Cheese had always been comforting. Even when they were just friends. Addy’s gaze traveled from his face to where he had taken her hand. She wanted to grab it back for a split second since his action was unexpected, but Addy didn’t. His touch was as tender as he was kindhearted.

Addy had not planned on sharing how she felt at that moment, especially not when Cheese was sharing something that was hurting him. Merlin knew conversations like this had not occurred regularly over the past two years for them. There had not been much conversation between the awkwardness of the breakup and sneaking into each other’s flats. Still, she didn’t look at him. Others had more or less said the same in different ways. Part of Addy knew that she was allowing herself to sulk in this sad little pit she could easily climb out of, but if she was honest, that energy to push through wasn’t there. In the past, it had been so easy to disregard what didn’t matter and persist.

’I believe in you.’ Addy’s current situation wasn’t all that different than before leaving the Ministry. Except her parents were not speaking to her. She only really had her older siblings. However, both carried themselves with different levels of nihilism and self-righteousness. When Brígh was able, she tried to help Addy feel better but also had duties to her career. Addy could understand that. Maybe she couldn’t read Cheese like she used to, but Merlin, he didn’t skip a beat when he spoke and casually made his way behind all her walls. Emotion whirled in her chest, the result of pushing so much to the wayside to keep a clear head. It took her a moment to let it settle, so she remained quiet. The last thing she wanted to do was have anything near a breakdown or, Merlin forbid, shed a tear.

Finally, she let her gaze return to his. ”I’ll figure it out.” She responded after a heavy sigh. In the past, Addy had never needed the validation of others to feel confident, but things sure changed, didn’t they? It surely explained why she’d spent so much time at home since her accident, Merlin forbid Addy walk out into the world without her head held high. ”That’s not bad advice, Cheese. Maybe you should follow it too.” That was about as close as he would get to Addy saying, “You’re right.” ”You’ve always watched out for the rest of us. Don’t forget about yourself.” Addy appreciated the metaphorical shoulder to cry on, but it had also alarmed her how easily she had felt vulnerable around him again. At least by letting him talk about what was on his mind, Addy could avoid delving into hers. ”What do you want?”

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

Even though they were talking about incredibly depressing things, Cheese felt the tense knot in his chest ease up a bit. One of the things he hated most about this awkward transition into adulthood was how alone he often found himself. In Hogwarts, there was almost never a moment of silence. In the common room, the corridors between classes, the Quidditch Pitch…there was always something happening. Cheese had done his best to recreate those conditions in his new life too. The Daily Prophet was a chaotic workplace, and Puff Palace was always full-to-bursting with people. But sometimes he found himself in an oppressively quiet room, or alone on a roof while he tried to line up the perfect shot, and the sound of silence sent a shiver down his spine.

More than anything, it was nice to feel so relaxed around Addy again. After they’d broken up, he’d found himself super tense around her – trying not to say the wrong thing, giving her some space, and just not allowing himself to fall into familiar habits that he’d formed while they’d been dating. At some point, they’d started to have somewhat normal conversations again, but they’d still been a little stilted. Maybe that was why Addy had always been so stiff whenever Mallory came up in a conversation, or when they would run into each other at a practice for the T’s. At least, as far as he could figure. But this time, the flow was better. Things felt more natural. Even if there was still this awful feeling swirling around in his stomach, he didn’t feel it pulling him down quite so relentlessly.

‘I’ll figure it out could be Addy’s catchphrase, considering how often she’d said it over the years. But it seemed like her way of taking what he’d said under consideration and taking a step back, so Rafe didn’t push the topic anymore. At the end of the day, she was going to do whatever she wanted to do. He didn’t have so much influence over that (definitely not now, but honestly he’d never really been able to). He looked into her eyes for a moment longer, then nodded a little at her and pulled back. He let go of her hand so he could run a hand through his hair and consider the idea that he wasn’t watching out for himself. “Yeah, I’ll try.” It sounded kind of lame to him, but honestly – Cheese didn’t know how to take care of himself. Sometimes he did what he wanted, but that didn’t seem like the same thing. Taking care of yourself seemed to suggest a much higher level of ‘getting it together’ than what he was capable of.

“Why do you ask such hard questions?” he joked, trying to buy himself some time while his brain scrambled to understand such a big concept like happiness. “What are the ingredients of polyjuice potion, why did the giant wars start, what’s the meaning of life and happiness…” Okay, so maybe he was still a little traumatized from all their study sessions at Hogwarts and how hard Addy had drilled him and Brígh for exams. But it was a good question and Cheese’s brow furrowed as he considered it. “I dunno,” he finally said, feeling like he’d been saying that a lot lately, even if it just encapsulated everything. “I wish I could say something easy, like ice cream or a new broomstick…but I just…I don’t want to feel like such a screw-up.” That was hard to admit, and Cheese broke eye contact so he could look up at the ceiling. “I feel like I’m letting everyone down. My dad, Mallory, even Jimmie when she wants something.” And Addy too. He couldn’t quite admit that one out-loud. But they were in this situation now because he hadn’t been quite what she needed, and the failure of letting down one of his best friends still stung. Everything seemed to make sense when he was looking through the lens of his camera, but the world outside it was topsy-turvy and demanded more from him than he was able to give. Enough to make Cheese feel like a failure whenever he was able to set his camera aside for a second and look around at the people in his life.

addilyn elara slater

[addilyn elara slater]

Wish I had no expectations

But I expect, you expect, we expect

January 12, 2029
Raphael Caelan McLaggen

Addy let her hand fall to her knee when Cheese let go of it. For such a simple gesture, it had been immensely comforting. But he was always good at that. He knew how to make someone feel a little better if needed. It had taken Addy a little while to realize these sorts of little things after their breakup because they had also been so intertwined in their friendship. During their time apart, many adjustments on top of adulting had to be made. Addy chose not to push the issue, mainly because she didn’t have the energy. Her relationship with hindsight was complicated, causing many questions to float into her mind. They’d spoken about their parents before, but Addy had never gotten the sense he was this unhappy before unless she completely missed it.

”You should be worried when I don’t.” She responded, smiling lightly. In their school years, the day Addy had let them copy her assignment was the day they would’ve checked she wasn’t ill or under the effects of a curse. As she let him finish explaining, something tightened in her chest. The expectations of their respective families had never been a secret, but it was discussed more at length when it was just the pair. When Brígh had gone to be with her family, it had given Addy and Rafe a chance to grow closer. And it hadn’t been so much of a shift of the dynamic as letting whatever was there grow and blossom.

In the end, it was all expectations, wasn't it? Once upon a time, Addy knew exactly how to handle these situations, but nowadays, she didn’t have a clue. It wasn’t the type of situation she liked to be in—no plan, no way forward, just surrounded by a fog. She thought of Jack and how he challenged her to reach for more—for what she deserved. There was something about his words that created such clarity. But Addy had not spoken to him at length since her Quidditch accident. Clarity wasn’t exactly what she sought at the moment. And she wished she could provide that for Cheese, for he sounded about as lost as she felt. ”Cheese…Rafe—you’re not a screw-up.” Gently, she placed her hand on his arm.

With everything Addy had battled over the last year, she tensed at the memories of doubt and insecurity. It was uncomfortable and wholly unlike her. She paused momentarily, wondering if they were back at that level of intimacy they once had as best friends before all the awkwardness and filtering of words. ”And I really hope you aren’t relying on Jimmie Blishwick for such feedback. Merlin knows she’d mark everyone with a T. She could already see the delight on her former classmate’s face as she not only failed her colleagues but marked a failure with ‘distinction’.

She sighed softly. Merlin, where was Brígh when you needed her? She always had something to say that was loud and typically on the mark. All Addy could do was sympathize, as she had no answers. ”I’m sorry you’re feeling this way…” As someone who constantly tried to keep their head above the waterline of imagined failure, Addy knew it was not an easy feeling to combat. After a moment passed, Addy spoke again, though her gaze stuck to some random part of the couch. ”You know, after Millie offered me a position on the team, I still couldn’t quit the Ministry until I was a few drinks in.” She shook her head. It felt a little ridiculous. Had she been watching from the outside, Addy would have shaken her head and told the person to buck up and take the reins. It was different when you were in those shoes.

But the past year had taught Addy a lot. As bad as she felt in this limbo of her career, she was grateful for it. ”I think the important thing is to find that bit of happiness, whatever it is before the unhappiness ruins the good parts of your life.” Addy stared off into some part of the room, her mind’s eye focused on the past. Realizing how miserable she was had been huge, even if it took a bottle of whiskey with her brother, many long conversations with Brígh, and a fling with a very outspoken musician to come to terms with that. It wasn’t till later that she realized how her unhappiness had spread like an unstoppable curse to poison other parts of her life. The storm had not yet passed. Maybe it would never pass.

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[Raphael Caelan McLaggen]

It felt really good to say some of this out-loud. Cheese hadn’t even realized how deep some of these feelings had run until he began to admit to Addy what the tight knot in his chest was made of. And the insecurities ran a lot deeper than breaking up with Mallory – especially since it had begun to feel more like an inevitability with every day that passed. He knew Addy was familiar with the pressure of trying to please your family, but they’d taken such different approaches with it. Addy had given up a lot to do what her parents wanted, and it’d made her miserable. Cheese had very consciously decided to go against his dad’s ‘guidance’ – and that decision had come at its own costs. “Maybe there isn’t a right way to do this,” Cheese suggested with a weak smile, although he didn’t know what exactly he was referring to with ‘this.’ Life? Having a relationship with your family? Trying to be happy? Maybe all of the above. He’d hated ‘all of the above’ answers on exams, but maybe it really was the right answer here.

Even so, his smile turned more genuine as Addy assured him he wasn’t a screw-up. Maybe she didn’t have the complete picture anymore, but the fact that she was still here, still ready to be here when he needed her – it warmed him inside like sitting by the fire after a Quidditch match in a storm. He let out a sheepish laugh as Addy warmed him about Jimmie. He still remembered Jimmie taunting him for not being ambitious enough, when he’d informed her that he was happy doing the fluff pieces at the Prophet. He’d been honest at the time, although maybe Rafe had lost his way a bit since then. “She’s not all bad. I think we’re friends?” He left it as a question, although sometimes he did think they managed to have a bonding moment. Occasionally, rarely, a little ray of sunshine in the few moments where Jimmie wasn’t so cynical and grumpy.

There were some things he wasn’t ready to discuss with Addy though, and he somewhat awkwardly skipped over her brief mention of getting drunk before accepting Millie’s offer. Because yeah, maybe she’d been with Brígh to make that decision – but maybe not. And out of everything he was feeling, he wanted to ignore the little spark of jealousy in his chest the most. He wasn’t in the right frame of mind for that. So instead he dwelled on Addy’s last words, the importance of finding little moments of happiness. He turned slightly on the couch so he could study her, and after a moment decided that she had to be right. Cheese couldn’t ever remember a time in his life where there hadn’t been little bursts of happiness. Even after the Hogwarts fire, with singed clothes and watching ash fall from the sky like snow, he couldn’t fight the enormous relief that they were still alive and together.

Rafe took a moment to remember that feeling and let the warmth of it grow. Then he grabbed Addy’s hand and pulled her up so they were both standing, and said the only thing he could. “You’re right. Let’s go find a bit of happiness.” They could both use it, and as important as it’d been to vocalize the complicated swirl of emotions they were both struggling with – it was also important to remember the good things. They were still here together. Cheese pulled her along until he found the access point to the roof, and took careful care not to drop her hand as he pulled her along. Despite the balcony attached to their flat, he’d found his way here before to admire the view and take a few shots. It was cold today, but then again…Rafe had always been happy outside. When the wind blew past him, and the air felt crisp and fresh on his face, he could imagine that he was back on his broomstick. Flying, weightless.

He slowed down as they finally arrived, and turned to face Addy. He didn’t immediately let go of her hand, enjoying the warmth of it on this chilly day and drinking in the sight of the wind blowing through her hair. It wasn’t fair, after all this time, that she could still make his heart skip a beat. “It’s better to do this outside,” he said gravely, keeping a serious expression on his face. And then, quick as a flash, he slipped his wand out and blasted her with a spurt of rainbow-colored bubbles from the tip of his wand. He slipped away immediately before she could retaliate (because she didn’t need a Beater’s bat to cause permanent damage) and took refuge by putting several meters of distance between them. As if that could save him.

addilyn elara slater