When it rains, it pours; Nastia's Final Thoughts

[Deleted]

April First, Twenty Twenty-Three

Добро пожаловать в Россию (Welcome to Russia)


“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”

The irony in all this, a person who literally rather be destroyed by the pain of the past by keeping it secret now is writing a book that her mother, and I quote,said "would be beneficial in sorting out my feelings for my current predicament." Gee mom, you willingly laid down with a man that wasn't your husband and you think I have problems. Wait.... what you did is my problem because I was the product of that one night stand sixteen years ago. But it is your fault keeping it a secret from me all these years. It is your fault that the man who fathered me never knew of the daughter that is currently curled up in a window seat, first class, being waited on hand and foot, on her way to Russia to start a long summer of getting to know the man that has stepped up while the man who she knew as a father become nothing but a shadow on the wall. First class, being waited on hand and foot, a summer vacation in Russia... Oh the torture of your mother's actions that you are an innocent victim of. Sounds so horrible. Lol.

In all honesty, joking aside, my life has been nothing but one complication after another since the numerous of lies my mother told.... or didn't tell, has unravaled and spilled out in muggle court. I guess Mel Gibson's quote in The Patriot applies to this miss that I guess was just an accident, "I have long feared that my sins would come back to visit me, and the cost is more than I can bear." I personally don't think my mother attended for this to actually happen. Especially with all the troubles that it has caused between her and her husband, her and me, and the beating up mentally she does to herself each day. Why would she intentionally lay with a man she had just met, knowing this could be a possible outcome. Maybe if she was a sociopath, this mess would be just her cup of tea but she is far from such. She has a heart of gold, would give the shirt off her back for someone she did not know or who did not like her. My mother is not a monster that I want to believe she is. And though my trust for has been tarnished, I cannot hate her for this because she still my mother; the woman who gave birth to me; the woman who assured that I was no accident after this issue had came to light. I just can't blame her.... no matter how much I try. I was told I should dispise her, I should hate her, want nothing to do with her for such pain and horror she has caused in my life, but I just can't. Maybe I am just stupid, a silly girl with dreams and a idea that the world is just so. I am a silly niave girl...

Come on Nastia, don't think so lowly of yourself.... Who am I kidding, that self assurance that you mean more than what your inner self believes is just a joke. Something is wrong with me. I am told I was placed on this earth for a reason, a positive reason. Psh, so far my existance has been nothing but a constant reminder to my mom of a bad decision she made sixteen years ago, I am the constant reminder to her husband of a daughter he wanted for so longer but came from another man that laid with his wife. Again, who am I to kid. I am just a horrible reminder of something that should of never happened. At least to my mother's side. They think I don't hear the whispers. My aunts and uncles, my own grandparents, they think I am so clueless to what they say when they think I am not around. They blame me for how a perfect relationship has fallen to crumbles. They smile, hug me, say such sweet words to my face but only if they knew what I hear when my back is turned. At least my cousins don't hold back. They don't hide behind the shadows, they don't fake something only to reveal their true intentions when I am in another room. But still, it hurts. They were once my friends. We played together as kids and were unseperable, now... all they do is harass me, verbally beat me down till I feel like the gum stuck to the bottom of their shoes. I am the family black sheep, I literally am alone even though I am surrounded by people that has the same blood as me.

Now, even in the dark, a shining of a ray of hope peaks through. The only people I feel like has my back in such a negative household are my half brothers. Cayson, Brysen, Jaylon and Jacobe, each one has stuck by me, gave me a voice when I could not find mine. They have stuck their neck out and had it chopped off countless of times in their defiance of me. There were days I fell into their arms, crying because I had became so beaten and batter that I just wanted it all to end. Through all the hard times in my life it was those nights that kept me alive. I can truly say that through these months of heartache and pain, they were my saviors, the one thing that kept me alive.

Maybe my life won't be so bad. In just a few hours I will meet my father. I mean REALLY meet my father. Sure we have spoken, sure he has spoiled me rotten through letters and gifts sent from Russia but as far as really sitting down and talking, I have yet to experience it. I don't know much about him, I don't know much about the life that I am about to enter. I do know I have two older brothers extremely excited to meet me. I know that my father has taken the day off to prepare for my arrival and will be waiting there, at the airport. I know he is a Russian Diplomat that is highly looked upon in a very positive way. And I know that Russia knows of the daughter he never got to meet. What am I too expect? As much as I love adventure and the unknown, I am scared. I am terrified. And I want to go home and hide away. For the first time in my life, I am truly scared for the days to come and the adjustment I am about to go through.

He can't be too bad, when the man that I knew as my father turned his back on me and disowned me as his child, he stood up and was there. He took me under his wing and pushed for my name to be changed to his. Not once has he hid the fact that I was his daughter, not once did he not stand up and fight for me, fight for him knowing his daughter. I guess that is admirable. To know that even though he knows nothing much about me, he is trying so hard to be the father he couldn't be because he didn't know I was out there. Trying to make up for loss times. He can't be too bad.....

[Deleted]

A letter from your father:

April 2, 2023

My dearest daughter,

I have started this letter over and over again wanting to express what is on my mind and what is in my heart. And over and over again I fail in finding the right words to express. It is funny, in a way, that a man who can address Parliament can’t find words that he knows he needs to say to the daughter he has been longing and praying for. Nastia, they say that from the instance he lays eyes on her, a father adores his daughter. That whoever she grows up to be, to him, she will always be that little girl in pigtails. She makes him feel like it is Christmas every day while he makes a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes, or the secrets she keeps. I am no different. I have only known you for such a short time and that short time feels like a lifetime. The instant I found out that you were mine, you had me wrapped around your finger, you had the adoration of your father, and every giggle that erupted from you caused me to cave more from the love that I felt for you.

If the woman who birthed me is correct and you have turned out just like me, I hope I am able to make you feel loved and important and valued. I hope I am a presence you can approach—someone you can rely on and confide in. I hope I am trusting and fair; unselfish. I hope I never hurt you. I promise I will try not to speak words that sting you like poison and run through your thoughts like hallucinations. I hope I inspire you in your faith and show you love you aspire to reciprocate.

While the world may continue to scorn you, I hope you always know that you can always come to me. And beforehand, I hope you can accept this apology. I am sorry if I ever make you feel unloved unimportant, unvalued. I am sorry if I ever seem unapproachable, cold. I am sorry.

My beautiful baby,

Holding you for the first time was intense. It was at that moment that it sunk in that I would be your father for the rest of my life. I would be the dad that would be the standard against which you will judge all men. I will hold your hand for only a short while but it is my plan to hold your heart forever. When you walk, I feel like an angel is dancing. When you are smiling, I feel like the sun is shining. When I look in your eyes, I feel that my life is amazing and from the first moment I laid eyes on you, you were forever my little girl. A daughter is one of the most beautiful gifts this would have to give. Joseph Addison once said, “Certain are it that there is no kind of affection as purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters, there is something which there are no words to express.”

As you grow older, I want you to fly out like a free bird, go forth and pursue all your dreams. Live your life to the fullest and make sure that your happiness is second to none. And while you are at it, just remember that every time you need a hug or a place to call your own, I am always here…

My daughter,

You have made the darkness in my heart light up brighter than I ever thought possible. You give me a reason to live and try each and every day. I cannot thank the Lord above enough for blessing me with you. And as blessings come, so do disappointments. There are trials and rewards throughout everyone’s life. You have helped me through the most difficult times of my life. I can only pray you will allow me to be there for you.

I can only continue to allow the words to flow from my fingers and onto this paper to let you know how much you are wanted, how much you are loved, and how much you are desired by me and your brothers. But, much like I did with your siblings when I wrote them a letter, I must passwords of wisdom from me to you. . . . .

You will find a guy that appreciates you, a guy that when faced with the thought of using you, will lose his mind. He will be wrecked; he will fight for you, do romantic things for you. He will think of you first and foremost and won’t complain. And you, instead of just relishing in all the attention, you will think of him first, too. You will complement each other, complete each other. Things won’t always be perfect, they never are, but you will find someone that notices how you feel, when you’re upset, and will go through hoops to make you happy. You will have this, I promise you, never compromise, never accept less than you deserve. You deserve true happiness. . . .

Of course, as your father, I am hoping this does not come for many more years. You are 16, young and beautiful and full of so much life. These years are yours. These years are for you to discover yourself, to morph into a beautiful woman with strength and dignity that laughs without a fear of the future. I love you my daughter, and no matter, if you need me, call me. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, if I’m having my own problems or if I’m angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk, I’ll always be there for you, no matter how big or how small your problem is, I’ll be there……

Love,
Your father.

[Deleted]

April Third, Twenty Twenty-Three

Все меняется, ничто не исчезает. (Nothing disappears, only changes.)

Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up. . . .
Today I am starting over again. One day at a time. One step, one breath at a time. I’ve decided it’s time to find me. Ready or not, here I come. If perchance, I feel like a failure – I’ll just do it over and over again till I get it right!

In a mirror is where we find a reflection of our appearances, but in a heart is where we find a reflection of our soul. Breath-taking scenery of tranquility, I have never seen skies so blue. Each breath that is inhaled into my lungs is more crisp and clean as the one before it; I am almost sad that I have to exhale. What I would give to be able to keep the very first breath of Russian air into my lungs as if it was a memory. I can smell the chill that comes off the Ural Mountains. I smell the rich vegetation that had just bloomed from its seasonal slumber. And the scent of food, the greasy, sweet smells that cause my mouth to water.

I should apologize, I have already neglected you and it has only been 3 days since I have arrived to take a new stance in my life. I have been rude, leaving out juicy details on just what it was like to arrive in a new land to begin a new life that I was scared to enter. Well, good news there, I do not fear the unknown anymore. I have never felt so welcomed to a strange place in my life by strangers that I have only spoken to through letters. Let me start at the beginning…..

A six-hour flight was more than I could bear. A rapid mind that would not fall silent for even just a second, the constant “what ifs” causing me to tease on my lip till it bled and my stomach acid to slowly eat away at the lining of my stomach. I wanted to puke. The thought of food caused me to gag, my stomach warning me that taking in any sort of nourishment would result in worshipping the almighty porcelain God. It wasn’t worth it, at least not to me. I fell victim to my mind, expecting the worse and only thinking of the worse scenario that my creative brain could come up with.

The roll of the clouds against the plane reminded me of the waves of the lake that I had found myself sitting at so many times during my years at Hogwarts. The wonderful memories that happened there were the medicine to ease the sour urge in my stomach. I found myself getting lost in my own mind, reliving exactly the life that made sense in a time like this. It was the only thing that was consistent and the only thing that kept my anxiety in check so it didn’t boil over to the point I would be left in a mess of tears and sobs that could not be controlled without the intervention of medication.

Have you ever felt like you have known someone for all your life, even though you have just met them? Of course not, you are a leather bound book that only speaks to me with the writings that I personally put among your pages. How can I describe this feeling so that I can look back later and remember it like it was yesterday? It is like calmness in the dark when it seems like your world is falling apart. It is like a lover’s embrace telling you everything will be alright. That is what it felt like meeting my father. Like he was always there beside me and when I hugged him, my fears washed away like a rainstorm washing away the shore to expose brand new dirt. His heart matched mine, the same rhythm. And as I took more notice of him, from physical characteristics to personality, I knew where I got most of who I am from him. Funny, we are so much alike yet, he has been absent from my life. And I might add not by choice.

Just in a day alone, I have grown close with this man that I barely knew before coming. Not once did he complain when I wanted to go shopping. He only encouraged clothes that would work well for my age and lectured me when something was too revealing. Even with the camera’s following, it was as if they were not even there. That it was just me and him and us getting to know each other.