not always happy endings but there’s happy in betweens

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day one: your parent(s)

fenrir:

My name is Jamie. You donated half of my genetic material. When I was seven, you bit me. You made me a werewolf. The only reason I am writing this letter is because my school counselor thinks it will be a good exercise for me to process my emotions regarding the night you bit me. I have some questions for you, and even though they'll never be answered, I want to ask them for my own peace of mind, and emotional processing or whatever you want to call it.

First: why did you give my mother a choice? You could have easily bitten both of us and still lived to tell the tale. I was just a child, and she was not much better. Did you know that she was selfish enough to put herself above me? Did you do it just so when I found out I would feel wrecked? Or did you actually love her? Somehow, I don't think you did love her, but I don't think even you would have the foresight to plan something this flawless to rip your child apart. I just want to know.

Second: why didn't you take me with you? Everyone knows you're a fan of biting young and corrupting the child into thinking that normal wizards are bad wizards. Why was I different? Did you think my Muggleness was going to make me hate wizards? Or did you think that your poison inside of me was corruption enough? You could have taken me, molded me into your image, and then sent me out into the world with my thick skin and my elastic heart. Now I have neither, and I do not have you. I do not want you.

Third: you gave me the greatest gifts of my life, and I do not understand why. I do not understand how you could make Aaron with his gentleness and Odette with her wit and Adrian with his bravery and Max with her love for me. I do not understand why you, who took everything from me, gave me gifts, too. Is it because I do not hate you for it? Because I don't, and that drives me crazy. You gave me two brothers and two sisters and they have made my life so beautiful. I didn't know I could be this beautiful.

I'm done for now. I would sign this letter, but I don't know how. I am not your anything. You are not my anything. That's the way I'd like it to stay.

goodbye.

you.

I talked about you today, in a bookstore. I had been reading a book about Death Eaters, back during the war and what they're doing now. I wanted to know if they knew anything about you, because despite all the hell you've put me through, I want to meet you. I want to look into the eyes of the man that I claimed as my father when I took your last name. Curiosity killed the cat this time.

There was a girl in the store. She acted like she knew me, like she knew everything I went through growing up as both a human and a wolf. I hate it when people pretend that they know how being a wolf has caused me so much strife. I wish that I knew how to accept it like you did, because even if you did cause hundreds of people to die, at least you were comfortable in your own skin. If I ever do make amends with the wolf, though, I hope I won't end up like you. Self confidence is not worth the lives of hundreds.

I'm still not entirely sure why I wrote this. I suppose it's because I don't want everyone to know how angry I was in that moment. I was afraid, too, because for half a second, I could see myself becoming you. Was I wrong to be angry? Was I wrong to stand up for myself? Was I wrong to speak for all of us when I said that we did not love you? Was I wrong to speak for you and say that you did not love us? I wish that you would just answer me, because I need to know. I refuse to send this letter, though, because as much as I insist now that knowledge is power, if I were ever to get a response, then blissful ignorance would be preferable. It's complicated. Please don't try to understand, because if what I am saying made sense to you, then I am terrified.

me.

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day two: your best friend

dear lily,

...Hi. So, this is kind of weird, because you're my sister, but since you're the sister I chose, I feel the least lame writing you a letter that's supposed to be for my best friend.  I'm not really sure how this happened, because one day you were just a girl in the library who knew my brother, and now you're...my best friend. Which is still so weird. Sorry, is it weird that I keep saying this is weird? I don't know. I just wish that I was better at saying these kinds of things, because you know them already, but you still deserve to hear them every once in a while. And I'm not even sending this letter, so does it even count as saying them at all!? Wow, talk about a digression. Anyways, in this letter, there's really one thing I want to impress upon you: you are the best thing ever to happen to the Greyback family. You're Adrian's whatever and my best friend and even though the rest of them don't realize it, I think you're important to them, too. We needed someone like you to bring us together. You're the catalyst. I also want you to know that's not the only reason I love you. At least I hope not. Because that makes it seem like my love had a price, and for you, it didn't. You just wormed your way into my heart and stayed, and stayed, and stayed, even when everyone else left. So yeah...I'm sorry that this letter didn't say much at all, but one more time: thank you. For everything.

love love love,
jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day three: your crush

dear andy,

Um...surprise? I'm not sure if I would call you my crush, really, but of all the people I know who I haven't fallen in love with already, you seem to be the one that I would fall for most easily. I almost think we could stumble into love, because you make everything in my life so easy and so effortless that even the things I want to do seem accidental. Everything with you is easy, so why should falling in love be any different? You already make me smile and make me laugh and you already know when to leave the quiet be and when to fill in the spaces, and you already understand the parts of me I don't know how to name, and...really, aren't those criteria for beginning a relationship? I don't know. I know you're straight and I know you have Phil, but I also know that when you're around it's like all the static in the world has stopped and everything is sharper around the edges. With you, I can breathe easy, like my father's legacy isn't sitting on my shoulders.

I'm confused, Andy, because at first I swore that I didn't love you in that way, but the more I write, the more I begin to wonder if maybe I was just trying to fit the way I felt for you into a box so that I could keep you. From the day I met you, there was a choice: be your friend, or be your nothing at all. And I don't know. Maybe I could convince myself that there wasn't that choice, until I actually stopped to look at it hard, and that was why I could continue on like this. I don't know, Andy, and I'm confused, because I'm never confused with you. It's not supposed to be this way, because I am never confused with you. It's funny, I just think one little thought, and suddenly everything is changing, and...I want you, but I want all of you. But I don't want this letter to be the end, and if I can only settle for all of you, then it will be. 

I need you to be here. I need you to be here so that I can tell you this instead of just writing it all out, and maybe when you're here the static will clear again and I can begin to untangle this. I'm lost, Andy. Please come and find me.

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day four: your sibling

dear odette,

I really wasn't sure which one of my siblings I wanted to write my letter to, so I chose you. At first, I thought that it was just a random pick, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's because you embody everything that a sibling means to me. You always hear about the siblings that grow up hating each other and then love each other when they get older, and I guess that's kind of what you were for me...just with the timeline a little condensed. I told you when we made up that I was going to forgive, but not forget. I want to let you know that that's still the truth - I've forgiven you for so long that I'm not sure I could ever revoke the forgiveness, but I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten how you made me feel that day, and for some reason, that's what drives me to you. I want to prove to myself - to both of us - that the woman I saw that day in the bookstore wasn't Odette Greyback. She wasn't my sister, she was just some stranger with your face, and you are still...brilliant. Brilliant in everything you do, and everything you try. I know you're not proud of the name we share, but I am. It's not just his name anymore. It's your name, and my name, and all of our names. We just need you to lead us forward. And I trust that you can do that, because you are my older sister, and even though I've only trusted you for a few months, it feels like my whole life. Prove me wrong, Odette. Give me something I'll never want to forget.

your sister,
jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day five: your dreams

dear dreams,

I should probably begin this by saying I'm not sure whether this should be interpreted as dreams as in my aspirations in life, or dreams as in what I think about when I sleep at night. I think that the first one is a little more interesting, so if this is the wrong dreams that I addressed this letter to...sorry? Anyways, to begin: I am going to reach you one day. People have spent my entire life telling me that I couldn't do something for various reasons, but naysayers are always going to be there, and it's better that I learn now how to ignore them. I'm going to reach you, and then I'm going to be brilliant at doing what I said I'd do. I'm Jamie Greyback. Emphasis on Jamie, not on Greyback. I'm not going to forget who my father is, but I'm not going to forget who I am, either. I'm going to prove everyone wrong in the only way I know how, and that's by being strong when everyone expects me to be weak, and happy when everyone expects me to be sad. Don't get too comfortable, dreams, because soon I'm going to reach you, and you're going to be replaced by something else, bigger and better. I won't stop getting better. Ever.

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day six: a stranger

dear stranger,

You may be surprised to learn that I've addressed a letter like this before. I sometimes go through times in my life where I can't quite feel like myself, and I find that writing a letter to a stranger and then waiting fro a response can help bring things back into focus. There are no expectations from strangers. Since we live in a world of expectations, that can be a little strange, but freeing, too. I used to think that it was almost better not to get a response, because then you get your words into the world without wondering what the person who read them thought of them. But I also like getting a response, because it means someone is thinking of me, even if they don't know it's me I'm thinking of. Stranger, I'm sorry, but this letter is hard to write because I feel like I've already written one just like it, and it's hard to repeat myself. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Maybe you'll get a better one soon.

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day seven: your ex

dear harper,

Really, I think I ought to have written this letter a long time ago, not for your benefit, but for mine. The way our relationship ended was...normal. I think I might have been more disappointed with that than I admitted to myself, because nothing about our relationship before that was normal. We didn't meet in a normal way, and we didn't love in a normal way, and that was exciting. For a long time, I thought you were the love of my life. I've since learned that saying the love was wrong. You were just the first of many loves, and the first of my soulmates. I don't know if you like the idea of me having multiple soulmates, but I think it would be wrong to say that the two of us weren't made for each other. At that time, you were what I needed in my life, and I like to think I was what you needed in your life, too. We fit together then, but then we changed (as people can, and people must) and then we didn't fit together anymore. Which is fine, and good, and natural. I found another person who I loved overwhelmingly and who I will unabashedly call my soulmate, but you were the beginning of everything. I used to think that you were both the beginning and the end, and even if you weren't both of those things, at least you were one. You taught me how to love bigger, louder, and bolder. And I needed that. Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for being my first soulmate. I love you. I miss you.

love,
jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day eight: an owl pal

dear elliot,

Hi. It's me again. It's kind of weird, when I first wrote you that letter, I wrote it not knowing who it was going to but intending for someone to find it, and now that I'm writing a letter specifically to you, I don't intend for you to ever find it. Maybe that's just funny to me. In any case, I enjoy writing to you. I have to admit, I liked it better before you figured out who I was, because then I could be more over-the-top in everything I was saying without having to worry about it affecting your judgement of me. I think it would be nice to have an owl pal that I never got to meet - one that lived in America, maybe. That's not to say that I don't appreciate you, though - that's just me being greedy. I don't know, really, what else to say, since I write you letters all the time. I guess I should just say that I hope that we can learn more about each other, maybe outside of quill and paper. Who knows what the future holds, eh? Write to you (where you can actually read it), soon. 

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day nine: someone you wish you could meet

dear mrs. lange,

I don't know how much you know about me, but my name is Jamie Greyback. I'm one of Adrian's half-siblings. I know we've never met, but I'd like to, someday. I think that if I met you, Adrian would make a lot more sense. You're his mother, yes, but you're also the one who raised him, alone, and I know how much that can shape someone. I have to admit, even though I desperately want to meet you, I'm worried. About what you would say about me, for one thing, because I'm...one of Fenrir's. I know that you love your son despite his father, but I'm not your child, so you don't have care for me the way you do for Adrian. And I'm also worried about what I would say about you. Because you made my brother who he is, but you also almost took him away from me, too, and I'm worried that all of the anger I never let myself feel will just...explode. I'm not good at exploding, but sometimes, when I do, it's scary. Well, I think it's scary. I don't know if anyone else did. And then, as if that wasn't enough already...I'm worried about what will happen if I meet you, and I start thinking about my own mother. I don't want to go stumbling back into her arms because I'm overly sentimental, but I miss her. Never mind. If I do ever meet you, I hope that nothing goes wrong, because you really do seem wonderful. Thank you for my brother.

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day ten: someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like

dear edmund,

Hi, Edmund. It's not actually been that long since we talked, but I hardly think that one conversation at the Yule Ball is enough, especially considering everything that transpired thereafter, with both of us. And Will. I enjoy talking to you, Ed, mostly because you remind me of Max, if Max was...angrier, I guess. Don't take that as an insult - sometimes anger is unavoidable, and I dare say that sometimes it's even a little bit helpful. But I don't want you to be consumed by your anger, and I really wish that I could help. But I can't help feel like it's not my place to intrude. When Will and I were together, however briefly, I thought maybe that I could help, since I was sort of like a big sister figure, but now...I don't really know what I am to you, and that makes me hesitant to talk to you at all, especially since I'd rather skip the whole 'sorry my brother ran off' conversation. This is the only letter I've really considered sending, because I really do want you to know that I'm here, even if I'm not the best at being there, physically, when you need me. Even if our chance at being in-laws is ruined, I'd still like to be your friend. And I'd like to talk to you - about anything, and everything, if you'll let me.

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day eleven: a deceased person you wish you could talk to

to the girl on the train;

I'm sorry that I don't know your name. I'll look for it as soon as I finish this letter, I promise. You don't deserve to disappear from history just because someone was cruel and bigoted and killed you. I'm sorry that you didn't get to live your life. I know that all death is supposed to be sad, but yours hurts just a little more because there was so much that you could've done. You were just a kid who had learned that she could control magic, eager to go to school, eager to learn to control your powers...You were just trying to live, and someone was so threatened by that that they felt the need to cut your life short. And that...sucks. It sucks so, so bad. I know you won't be happy to hear this, but you weren't the last to die from this hatred. I wish that I could say that I knew who the last person was going to be, but I don't. I can say, though, that I'm trying to stop it. I can't write everything down - secrecy, you know - but I'm trying to help. I'm sorry that you can't live to see a better tomorrow, but know that there is someone here, thinking of you. Thank you for your sacrifice.

jamie

[Deleted]

thirty day letter challenge
day twelve: a person who caused you a lot of pain

wolfsbane poisoner:

By now, you probably think that I hate you. I don't. Professor Longbottom was careful to keep your identity from me, and careful to make sure that I knew that none of what happened was my fault. What he said, and what my friends said, and who I am, kept the seeds of hate from growing in my heart. But even if I don't hate you, I can't pretend that you did not hurt me. You destroyed who I thought I was, and made me unable to separate the girl from the wolf - the girl from the monster. You dropped water onto wet ink, blurring lines and making everything run and smear until it was nearly unrecognizable. Do you realize how much work I had to put into recopying my life onto a new piece of parchment, one that you were incapable of ruining? It was a lot of work. And along the way, I lost my mother. Maybe someone could argue that you made me stronger, but you did none of that. I did all of it. 

You are in Azkaban. I don't know how long you will stay there, but I don't care. You gave me the worst night of my life, but I refuse to let it, and you, haunt me forever. Have a nice time in your cell.

jamie