the lover's dictionary

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[attr=class,NOWAYJOSE]archipelago

[attr=class,GETOUTTAHERE]archipelago (n.) - a group of people who cannot bear to touch, because they have finally realized that life is much easier when you become an island.

my family is an archipelago. lavinia is back to school, and since she went back (approx. one month), i haven't spoken to either of our parents. i don't know what to say to them. i don't know what to say to liv, or lucy either, but at least i know that she wants to talk to me. my parents...i don't know. i think they're still disappointed in the fact that i am not the daughter they were promised when i was born. i think they're disappointed in the fact that i am doing something horribly muggle when i am not muggle. you don't need magic to speak french. so i haven't spoken to my parents, and i haven't found the right words for liv, and i don't know how to say i love you to lucy, and maybe it's easier this way, because now they can't hurt me. i have always been better on my own, better in the quiet. i have always been better as an island.

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[attr=class,NOWAYJOSE]asa

[attr=class,GETOUTTAHERE]asa(n.) - a person who loves too quietly for you to hear.

i write in invisible ink. i have a single bottle of it, hidden in a corner of the drawer in my desk. i don't use it often, because there is no purpose in writing a message that someone can't read. there is no purpose, but i opened the bottle of ink yesterday. i opened it because i wrote to lucy, and there is no way i can go any longer without saying i love you. there was no way, i mean, because i said it. i wrote it, i mean. and i used the ink, the invisible ink, because i am too quiet. i am too quiet for anyone to hear me and i don't know how to love any louder, so i wrote the way i talk and i wrote the way i think and i wrote the way i love. i used it because...because i wanted her to think to look for it, but i don't think she did, and now, i just know what i already thought. i am too quiet. i am so sorry, but i am too quiet.

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[attr=class,NOWAYJOSE]attraction

[attr=class,GETOUTTAHERE]attraction (n.) - the lines on your palms match the lines on mine; they move towards each other without rhyme or reason. we both know they belong together.

i have never been able to tell why i always want to hold lucy's hand. i have never been able to tell why, because up until a few weeks ago, i never thought it was possible that she would want to hold mine, too. i know the lines on lucy's palms as well as i know my own hands. i see her life line and pray it doesn't end, i see her love line and pray it is for me. i see the lines on her palms, and i see the lines on mine, and they belong together. we belong together. and i wish that holding lucy's hand did not feel so good, because then when it stopped, it would not feel so bad. our lines match, our lives match, we match. but is matching good enough? if we match, does that really mean that we belong together? i wish i knew. i wish that there was some way that i could read if we belong together the same way i can read the lines on lucy's palms, because even if i am wrong, i would rather be wrong and be so, so convinced that she loves me than be right and convinced that she does not. i would like to live in a fairy tale where lucy is attracted to me as i am to her. because i am attracted to her. of course i am. i love her.

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