poetry is just the ash

[Deleted]

"poetry is just the evidence of life. if your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

[Deleted]

love letters to the people who will never really believe i love them

her eyes are a flurry
of resentment and winter rain
and dull steel blue.
her hair is the color
of autumn leaves the day after
they’ve fallen to the ground
and died.
but by god,
she’s beautiful.
the curve of her waist
and the flare of her hips
dare me to say the words,
and the dips between her ribs
and the cups of her collarbones
invite me to dance.
her voice is an old, old voice
even though the lines
on her palms
are ditches, not canyons.
she twists my insides
into a labyrinth that i
cannot fathom,
cannot escape,
cannot ignore.
and that’s her,
and i still can’t believe
that when i say i love you
she looks at me,
and blinks once,
then smiles, as if she
discovered my secret.
then she bites her lip
and looks at me guiltily
and says, quietly,
“i love you, too.”
but i still don’t think she believes me.

it’s complicated to love someone
who can’t really love you back
in the way you need to be loved.
you can’t take your heart back
and they can’t give you any of theirs
and then you’re left
somewhere in between,
with your love in the middle,
a wall you built
instead of tearing one down.
she reminds me of soil in summer,
warm and soft and easy to hold,
but also so quick to fall between your fingers,
and return to where it wants to be.
she makes me want to give away
all my stupid little secrets.
then she takes them
and buries them deep inside her,
my soul engulfed by hers.
that’s why i love her,
but also why i can’t.
there’s so much i want to say,
but it will change things.
she will see me differently,
and i don’t want that,
even if it’s not a bad thing.
for now, i will bite my tongue
and forget to say i love you
until she is ready to hear it.

[Deleted]

storm

the air is getting colder, love,
and so, i think, are you.

the rain is falling faster, love,
and so, i think, am i.

the lightning is burning brighter, love,
and so, i think, are your eyes.

the thunder is clapping louder, love,
and so, i think, is my heart.

the wind is blowing harder, love
and so, i think, are your words.

the storm is growing bigger, love,
and so, i think, is my love.

(colder, brighter, harder)
(faster, louder, bigger)

((you))
((me))

(((us?)))

[Deleted]

(untitled)

run far, far away,
away from where i can hurt you.
i can’t hurt you here, across this ocean,
like you can’t hurt me there, across this ocean.
you told me not to stay,
not to be with you.
(not to be where i belong.)

[Deleted]

alive

he reminds me of crescendos,
of strawberry soda
and london in autumn.
he reminds me of sweltering summers,
and the way sidewalks smell
after it rains.

he hugs me
and i am caught between
earth and sky,
the quiet warmth of his chest,
and the cool planes of his arms,
which are loud,
so loud.
the sound swallows me up,
a crescendo i never expected
in a song i don’t understand.

he is like a burst of adrenaline,
carbonation exploding,
and i feel –
i feel –
alive.
synthetic strawberry
burns me
from the inside out
and that's how i remember
his voice.

i like the way he smiles
and tells me the world is good,
even if we know
it’s not, always.
his eyes are soft,
but his words are hard,
like the soft gray silk sky
and the hard fire of leaves and skyline.

he sticks to me long after he’s gone,
summer heat after sunset.
his laughs are grass stains
that smudge my white walls.
he is an sycamore in july,
reaching for the endless sky
stopping only when his fingers
brush against the bellies
of newborn thunder clouds.

he is new and old
wrapped in a messy bundle of feelings
i can’t express.
he’s the way sidewalks feel
when they’ve been scrubbed
by the ninth storm of the week,
the way they glisten,
burnt umber and pitted with age,
with water that once
was the tears of the ocean.

photographs
and sensations
that are just beyond
the tip of my tongue,
the tips of my fingers –
those are him.
that is what it is to be
alive.

[Deleted]

okay

i woke up today
and realized
i am going to be okay.

the sky is dark,
but there is a moon,
and there are stars.

i've fallen,
but i've gotten up before -
many, many times.

i've built up walls,
but walls
are meant to fall.

i am going to be okay.
and so are you.
we are going to be okay.

and maybe,
when we're both ready,
we can be okay together.

[Deleted]

1 jan - on starting

a haiku to start.
i know that soon i will not
be able to stop.

[Deleted]

2 jan - skylines

i know skylines
the way you know
how to breathe.

i know skylines
the way you know
the back of your hand.

i know skylines,
their dips and ridges,
their sharp edges and soft curves,
and i know horizon lines.

when you see the world
from thousands of feet up
you need to know skylines
and you need to know horizon lines.

you need to know them
so you remember the reasons
you come back down.

[Deleted]

3 jan - cold hands, warm heart

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4 jan - a collector's lament

i collect words like trophies
and place them on shelves
where they gather dust
because i am afraid i will use them
on the wrong people

i collect words in everything
in newspapers and books
in whispers and screams
and even in things that have no words
stolen glances and hidden smiles
bated breath and dreamy sighs

i collect words
so why is it
i can't find the right ones for you?

[Deleted]

5 jan - what i should have done

i
should
have
told
you.

[Deleted]

6 jan - sunshine

i know you can't see the sun anymore,
but if you ever forget how it shines,
look in the mirror,
and smile.

[Deleted]

7 jan - easy

you say
loving you is not easy.
but why
would i have easy
when i could have you?