I See You, but Do You See Me? (ISO: River)

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Ian's heart was nearly in his throat as he walked along the familiar street towards the familiar house with the oh so familiar person in it. A part of him was wondering if she wasn't going to toss him away. Another part of him said he would have deserved it for keeping her waiting so long. I mean he had been home for a year now and yet when he had tried this same walk earlier -- he had been nearly paralyzed with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing what to expect from her. It had been several years since he had last seen her. And things had changed. HE had changed. And he was scared that she wasn't going to see him the same. That she was going to reject him. And he had never been scared of what other people really thought of him before--but this was...this was different. This was a woman he loved and he wasn't sure if she loved him the same as she had once upon a time.

He supposed that was what had kept him away for so long. That strange sensation of fear that he really wasn't used to. But of course that was crazy--or at least that was what the small little voice in the back of his head was saying. That their friendship…no their relationship could take it. That it would take much more then something like this going on to break that. But that small little voice wasn't doing much for his confidence at the present moment. He was perhaps being too hard on himself but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help but wonder these things. He had made mistakes -- but he knew he couldn't hide from her forever. He would have to visit her eventually. That he would to face the music as it were. And so here he was--at her doorstep hoping things would go all right.

But there was just one problem.

He couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. He had raised his hand towards the doorbell only to freeze when his hand was inches away. He sighed softly as he lowered his hand. The swirling storm of thoughts and silly fears were raging through his head again and it was enough to almost make him turn around. But just the thought of it made him shake his head in disgust at himself. Then he mentally scowled, ’C’mon Ian. You’ve never shied away from things in the past and you’re not going to start now! River deserves this. Stop being such a bloody idiot!’ he berated himself and it was then he raised his hand and knocked on the door. Three strong knocks as the man waited for an answer. He had no flowers, no candy—it was just him as he was.

Hopefully that would be good enough…

Words: 483
ISO: @river

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River was grateful for the slow morning. Her silly little cat had jumped on her face and woken her up. Sometimes River didn't even know why she had the darn thing, it was only nice when needing something and often not very cuddly at all. She had got the cat as a gift from a friend, who hoped it was ease the burden of being so lonely without Ian. The cat was given to her years ago, before Ian had been declared missing. Now she almost resented the thing, two years after that letter, because it only reminded her of what she didn't have. She scratched behind her ears anyway, and laid her food out on the floor in a little bowl.

River yawned, stretching in front of the kitchen window. As she did so, her eyes moved over the steps leading up to her apartment. There was Ian, again, coming to say he hadn't died. She had seen images of him many times before, but the sound of a knock never came and the warmth of his touch never was felt. She ignored the usual image of Ian and walked back into her room, and started to change into her running clothes. She had a day off from Obliviating, and thought she may as well get some fresh air. As soon as she had just finished putting the tight sport tank on, she heard a knock on the door.

No one was planning to come and see her today, as her as she knew. She started toward the door when suddenly her heart started pounding. Her vision of Ian, on the porch, he wasn't wearing a uniform like he usually did when she hallucinated. She placed a hand on the door knob, shaking off her crazy thoughts. And turned.

Blood pounding, ears bleeding, heart skipping, breath catching, hands shaking.

She stood there for a moment looking into his eyes. There was no way this was real. She reached forward, placing a hand on his chest. It was solid. "Oh my..." she wanted to touch the cross she usually wore around her neck, but it wasn't there. She didn't put it on yet. She pushed harder on his chest and warmth spread through her hand. A part of her wanted to shut the door, pretend nothing had happened. But most of her started to realize this wasn't an hallucination. She felt tears prick her eyes and before she knew it she was launching herself out the door and wrapping her arms around his neck in an embrace, holding him so tight he might burst.

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Ian saw her at the kitchen window as she stretched and he couldn't help that small smile that came to the side of his face. She was still as beautiful as she always had been. That much had not changed at all. Her eyes, her hair, her body—it was all the same beautiful person he remembered before he left. He wished he could say the same for him.

He saw her look out the window and freeze for a moment and then she walked away. His heart sank a little as he saw her disappear beyond the view of the window. He wondered what she was thinking -- what was going through her mind. And if she would even answer the door. He wondered if she would think that she had been seeing things or not. To be perfectly honest if he was in her spot--he probably would have thought that he was seeing things. But he couldn't speak for her of course. Though these were all things that made him regret waiting so long to visit even more then he already had. But he wouldn't know until he knew. And he wouldn't know until she either answered the door or left him hanging.

It was only a few moments--but for Ian it might as well been ages. He stood there like an anxious kid waiting to be gotten onto for something wrong. He shifted his weight from one side to the other—it was nerves talking. All nerves. But he couldn’t help it.

It felt like forever but soon enough though the door opened and Ian found that his heart was back in his throat as he found himself face to face with the person he loved. As much as he wanted her to move on, to find someone else--to not wait on his account...he would have been lying if he said that he said that a part of him hoped she wouldn't listen to him. She meant a lot to him. More than she could ever realize. And he was hoping—praying that she wouldn’t reject him. That she would realize that this wasn’t an illusion. That it was him. He was here. And this was real.

Soon enough he got his answer though as she first reached out to touch his chest (a warm feeling bleeding through his skin as she did to)—then she pushed against him (it was almost as if she had to confirm herself that he was real) and then she practically launched herself at him…arms wrapping around him in such a tight hug had he been in a joking mood he would have joked about her breaking his neck—but a joking mood? He was not. And as he wrapped his own arms around her waist, words came spilling out of his mouth,

"I'm sorry River." was all he could think to say before his voice cracked softly. "I am so, so sorry." it seemed so trite, so small, so pathetic and puny--but it was all he had. All he had to give.

Words: 516
ISO: @river

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River couldn't believe that she didn't fall face first onto the pavement. The warm of this chest against hers, her arms around him, it was unreal. When he, in turn, took her waist in his arms she completely lost it. Tears spilled down her cheeks as choking sobs escaped her throat. She should've been embarrassed, out there on the porch of her little home, but she didn't have time for embarrassment. People didn't come back from the dead every day. Lovers didn't come back from the dead. Ian came back from the dead.

As his words of apology found their way into her ears, she barely understood what he was saying. All she could do was relish in the sound of his voice. Though, it sounded different. Rough, scruffy and burdened. When his voice cracked, she just held him tighter. She was afraid that if she loosened her grip that he would disappear. That was not an option for River. She shook her head against his shoulder as she registered the apology. She finally was able to speak, but softly. "Don't. Don't." Was all she could manage.

For a split second the last few years of her life ran through her mind. The years he was gone and she had tried to move on, letting guys hit on her more often than she should have. When he visited that one week and they stayed together, 24/7, in this very flat acting as in love as ever. When she got the letter presuming him dead and her heart stopped beating, she stopped speaking and she stopped living. When she finally decided she could go out into the world again, only six months ago. She felt another sob coming up her throat bu stopped it. He didn't need to hear that.

Where had he been? What was he doing here now? Had he just recently returned and come straight here? No, he wouldn't be in those clothes if he had. He had to have time to get used to normal life again. So how long had he been back? Was he hospitalized? Traumatized? There were so many questions running through her mind, that she couldn't pick just one. So many emotions as well; relief, anger, happiness, love, heartache, betrayal, passion, regret, forgiveness. Too many too count. Too many for one small person in one small body. After a few moments she managed to speak, small like a whimper, "take me inside? Don't let go."

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She was crying. He knew she would--who wouldn't have--but it still felt like a stab in the gut. Each sob he heard as they hugged each other while simply standing on her doorstep. There was no words--just hugging...and her crying (even if she bit it back he knew she was crying). It indeed probably looked odd to the passing person...but he could hardly care less right about now. He was embracing the person he loved...and yet beating himself up at the same time. Stupid probably but he couldn't help it. He shouldn't have left her for so long. He should have done this months ago. When he had finally been let out of the hospital when he had recovered--this should have been the first place he had gone. But he hadn't. He had been too wrapped up in his own head...his own thoughts. He had been scared of what she would think of how he had changed. Hell he still was. He felt like a little child who was afraid of something stupid. It was ridiculous. He should have trusted her more then that...but it was that small voice in the back of his head that wondered if she would want to be with him anymore...

But as she spoke -- he could hear and feel her tension. She was hugging him tight--so tight-- she probably thought he would leave if she let go. But no--he wasn't going anywhere. She had said that he shouldn't apologize--but she was wrong...he should apologize. He had left her in the dark long enough. And now it was his obligation, his right to tell her what was going on...no matter how hard it was going to be--he OWED her. He had to let her know what had really happened. That he didn't just abandon her. That wasn't how he was. Hopefully she still knew that. And that she still believed it. And that she didn't think of him as a flake--even if he had been one for the last year...

She didn't say much beyond that other then just a few quiet words that he could barely hear because they were so quiet. But he heard them all the same. She wanted to go inside and well so did he. He wouldn't have felt right explaining this anywhere else. Her voice was so small though and like a whimper--it hurt. It hurt him on the inside to hear her like that. Not at all like the confident woman he had last heard. He nodded in response to her question, "Yes we can go inside." he said softly as he led the other through the door--shutting it gently behind them. There was no going back now. Well was there ever any going back? Never.

He walked in the living room and it was the same as it was last night--though perhaps a tad darker emotionally speaking. It didn't seem to have the same up-beat --- ness that it usually had. He saw the cat in the corner of the room but paid it little mind as he was much more focused on the woman with him. He sat down on the couch (pulling River into his lap as he sat down--he just didn't want to stop hugging her--call him corny but he just didn't want to let her go). "I--I need to explain what happened...." he said simply waiting for a response while trying to marshal his own raging thoughts...

ISO: @river
Words: 590

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As he stepped inside she had to walk backwards because she refused to take her arms away from him. The moment she did that she would have to admit that he had been back for at least a little bit before coming to see her, and the anger would come out. Or the worry. She wasn't sure which. Keeping hold of him was sort of like being a stitch over a wound. The second she pulled away all the blood would come rushing out and all the hurt would start. She didn't want that to happen.

She didn't even notice when he closed the door gently, she didn't really notice anything. As he pulled her into his lap she was grateful, she wouldn't have wanted him to let go. She bent her legs over his and kept her arms wrapped around his neck, her face buried there as well. As he started to speak she pulled away, just slightly, so she could look at his face. He wasn't clean shaven like he was the last time she had seen him. He had a little scruff playing at his chin. She wasn't sure what to think of it. He looked different. Worn, but still young. She shook her head a few time before responding.

"Okay," was all she could manage. At least until she had more information.

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It was---different. Her reactions. Then what he had expected when he had walked up to her front door.

He would have expected her to be surefire mad by now. Asking him where he had been? Why hadn't he been here before now? He still didn't know about the letters they had sent to her about him being presumed dead. Perhaps if he had--he would have reacted different. This situation would have been different. But alas he did not know what he did not know. And so the situation they were in would remain the same. For now anyways. She didn't seem mad...maybe he was just kidding himself when he thought that for a second she wasn't mad at all. Huh she was just doing a good job at hiding it. There was no way that she wasn't upset with him. Heck HE was upset at HIMSELF....never mind the woman he had left behind...

She nodded--saying okay and waiting for him to response. He sighed softly as he turned to look at the window. Oh he didn't even know where to start! There was so much to say....SO VERY MUCH! And yet he couldn't find the right words. He stumbled around in his brains searching for them--all the while he could almost feel his heart racing. Just the thought of what had happened--it was enough to make him shudder...never mind having to tell the tale as it were. But he had no choice. He knew he had no other choice. And so after a moment of total and complete silence (where you probably could have heard a pin drop it was that quiet)--he spoke... softly... quietly... haunted...

"They attacked us River." he began to explain, "We were on the border trying to keep peace. But they captured us and held us prisoner. It--" he suddenly stopped just as soon as he started as suddenly every muscle in his body went rigid tense and he clenched his eyes shut as he tried not to let the emotion over come him. It had only been a year since he had been home and it was still raw in his mind, raw in his thoughts---like it had happened yesterday instead of fourteen months ago. He suddenly found his mouth dry and his body shuddering violently as he tried to focus again....

...course how much that was succeeding was another matter all together...

ISO: @river

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When he turned to look at the window she felt a slight pain in her stomach. No eye contact was a bad sign. So was pausing so long before speaking. She didn't know what he would say next and she felt herself catch up breath as she could feel his heartbeat start to accelerate against her. What was going through his head? His story was sure to be insane, considering they thought he was dead, and it would probably hurt him to tell it. A part of her felt bad for wanting him to explain himself. But she had the right to know, didn't she?

As the silence filled the room even more, River was sure she could clasp it if she reached a hand out and tried. She held still though, almost like a statue. When he spoke, she felt his body tense under hers, and the worry started to flood through her. Though she couldn't help but feel her own heart beat speed up at the sound of her own name coming from his lips. When he closed his eyes she reached her hand up as if to place it on his cheek, but she lowered it back down. As his body started to shudder she climbed off of him quickly, reaching in her pocket to retrieve her wand and summon a glass of water. She sat on the couch beside him and clasped his hand in hers.

"Ian, you don't have to go into detail. It's okay. I understand," her voice was strangely calm for the panic that was bubbling up inside of her. What was she going to do? She wasn't a healer, and he was shaking so violently now she wasn't even sure if he would be able to take a drink of water at all. She squeezed his hand tightly and held the glass in the other. "Ian?" she spoke surely and confidently, hoping she could somehow pull him out of this just by the sound of her voice.

She pictured what he was saying for a moment. Just keeping peace, doing his job and suddenly being ambushed and made a prisoner of war. She couldn't imagine the things they did to him while he was in captivity. She felt her own hands started to shake, and tears starting to gather in her eyes again.

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He wasn't even there anymore....

Not mentally anyways. All he could picture was being in that--ugh--camp. It was as if he was still there--it was all he could see, hear, feel and darn well taste almost. The harsh conditions, the even harsher people and the deaths...none of it was easy, but the deaths were the hardest part to deal with...without a doubt...the most difficult part of what he had to deal with and what he was still dealing with. Especially that one...


It was about a month before they were to end up being rescued. It was evening after a long---looooong day "working" for those people to put it nicely. They were trying to sleep--it wasn't easy given what they were staying in and what they were sleeping on (those poor excuses for cots they shouldn't even be called such). But Ian had quickly learned a good while ago that they didn't care. They didn't care about them at all. Those people only saw them as work horses--slaves almost. A way to get what they wanted without having to get it themselves. And punishing them when they didn't do exactly what they wanted. It was degrading and humiliating...but there was nothing he could do about it...and that was the most frustrating thing of all.

But he wasn't thinking about any of that right now. Right now he and a couple of the others were around one of their comrades, their friends, their brother. A young man who was only twenty years old. Too young to be going through all this crap. This was Austin's first deployment and the way things were looking right now--it was also going to be his last. They all were showing the physical strain of being worked far, far more then one person ought to while not getting nearly enough to replenish the body--but it seemed as if after almost three years that Austin's body had reached its limits.

God it hurt just to look at him! He was pale--ghost like pale and weak...real weak. He could barely move without looking like he was in a lot of pain. It seemed as if his body was failing. Just failing. It couldn't go on anymore it seemed. Ian sighed softly as he shook his head. The guy was only twenty years old. Strong, hard headed as hell yet loyal, fiercely determined and duty orientated. He did whatever he had to do in order to get the job done and protect the people who couldn't do so for themselves. But seeing him so tired, so weak--everything the opposite of what he once was--it was tough. Tough to deal with. And it took a lot for him not to break down a little here...

"C'mon Austin. You gotta fight through this. Think of your parents and your brother. You gotta fight through this for them man. he heard one of the others say. But let's be honest--Ian doubted that it was going to be enough in this case.

"I'm so sick of fighting though." Austin groaned softly--weakly--defeated. Ian bit his lip softly. The other had already given up it seemed like. This was bad. This meant he wanted to die. And when that happened no pep talk was going to bring you out of that. Ahh no! No! This wasn't happening! This couldn't be happening! The other had so much more to live for! Family and friends to go back to! They ALL DID! And none of them deserved to die like this! It was--oh how much did he wish for this to be a dream. A lot. Constantly. All the damn time. But it wasn't a dream. Every morning he would wake up to the same barren walls on the same ungodly uncomfortable cot and knew that they had a LONG day ahead of them. They all did...

...it shouldn't be like this though...

"Its gonna be all right man. You'll be fine." Ian said though he knew it was a lie. He just didn't want to admit to it right now. Admit that Austin was dying. But he was. The defeated tone, the words he had spoken...his physical condition. Ian sighed as he decided then and there that he was going to stand by the other. He wasn't going to let him pass alone. And so he waited--keeping up the small useless talk to keep Austin's mind off of other things (though the other never really responded back--but that was okay--maybe it was more for Ian's sake then his...but whatever worked he supposed). It was several hours later that the combination of all the different things would finally break him and Austin passed away. Ian's head lowered as he got to his feet and drug the thin blanket over the other's now stone still body. He felt tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.

It shouldn't have ended like this...this shouldn't be! This couldn't be happening to them! They were all so close--it was like family away from home. Brothers away from home (or well brothers in general since he only had sisters but that wasn't the point!). They had been together for the majority of the past several years (with the exception of a few that they immediately took under their wing) and now--now Austin was the eighth person to have either died or been killed outright. It was becoming almost too make to take. A mind, a body, a soul could only take so much before they snapped. Just how much more was Ian supposed to take before he broke?

"Ian?" the man turned towards the other who had spoken his name. The other was older then he was by several years and Ian looked up to him, "We should try to get some sleep. Who knows what they'll have us doing tomorrow."

All Ian could do was nod and give one last sorrow filled towards Austin before flopping down into the "cot" they were sleeping in. All he could do was turned onto his stomach--resting his head in his arms--his heart feeling like it was sinking to the other side of the planet. It shouldn't be like this...they shouldn't be in this mess. Yet they were. Had been for years at this point. Wasn't rescue coming at some point already? A small part of him still wondered this even if the rest of him knew it wasn't coming. They were stuck here. Doomed here. They were all strong but they weren't going to last like this much longer. He then thought of River...his parents....and sisters and buried his head into his arms and for the first time in ages--he cried...the tears coming down his face silently as the emotions overflowed from his body...

...it just...it shouldn't be how it ended...for any of them...none of them....this shouldn't be....

....... ..... ....


He snapped out of his haze when he felt someone squeezing his hand. He gasped sharply as he reached out and grabbed the wrist of the hand--River's hand and held it away from him. Just--held it. He didn't want to be touched right now. All he could think about at the present second was watching that young kid die. He had watched him waste away and die and the worst thought of it was that he wanted to be able to do something about it and he couldn't. He was useless there! Helpless! Totally and completely helpless! He sat there--bloody damn well sat there while the other DIED. It haunted him. Then, now and possibly forever. He shouldn't have done something. ANYTHING!

He blinked slightly as his vision came to. It was like someone taking a cloth off of his face and the past became the present yet again. He saw River...he was in her house....on her couch...next to her. He saw that he had a near iron like grip on her wrist and he immediately let go....wincing as he hoped he hadn't hurt her, "S-sorry." he said softly as he shook his head. He suddenly got to his feet and began to pace--a nervous habit of his that had come about recently. "I just--its been fourteen months and its like it happened yesterday...." he took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. He could feel his muscles still tense and his heart still pounding and he had to fight not to tear up a little. It was just--ahh there was no words. No words to describe the literal tempest of emotions inside of him,

"I'm sorry I didn't come to see you. I should have. When they released me from the hospital nine months ago--this should have been the first place I came to. I just thought--I mean I--" he suddenly stopped again...his voice failing him as he couldn't think of what to say and so he stood there--silent as a mouse and still as stone--mouth open and no words coming out...

@river

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River gasped in shock as he did, and as he grabbed her wrist. He held it away from him and she leaned back a little. No sure what he would do next. She made sure no part of her was touching him as she sat there, unsure of what to do next. She waited, holding her breath as he held firmly onto her wrist. It hurt, but she was sure it would hurt more if she tried to pull away. She tried not to register her fear on her face, but wanted to focus a look of concern. Overall, she probably just looked... broken.

Eventually he began to blink and his eyes seemed to register her presence. When he glance at his hand on her wrist he let go quickly, and she pulled her arm into her lap, subconsciously rubbing her wrist with her other hand. Her skin was red, but she chose not to comment on it. As he apologized and spoke about the struggle of dealing with the memories she didn't speak. Her eyes were wide and her heart was still pumping. She tried to relax, but the more she tried the more tensed she felt. As he took a few deep breaths she remembered to breath as well, and took a few deep breaths of her own.

"Nine months?" she was suddenly pulled back into feeling again when those words came out of his mouth. The anger was coming back, but how could she be angry at him after what they had just experienced? After he had an episode and could have broken her wrist because of it? He was obviously suffering. He was obviously honest in his apology. But she still felt her blood boiling with anger. That just wasn't like her, something darker and deeper was stirring. That's what happens when you're heart is broken and empty for two years and suddenly you are able to feel emotion again. She was feeling so much it literally made her ache.

She turned away from him, facing the floor. "Maybe... maybe we..." she didn't know what she was going to say next. Maybe we should talk later? Maybe we should just forget about it? Maybe we should hold each other? Maybe we should be in love again? She took a few shaky breaths and silently cursed herself. There was no reason for her to feel so sad. He had been through hell and here she was about to cry because she had lost him. That was pathetic. Her hands started to shake and she turned the rest of her body away from him as well, the same direction she had looked away previously.

"I don't want to hear excuses," she finally said, firmly. But she didn't turn toward him. "What I mean is... you owe me nothing. Obviously you had other things on your mind..." More important things.

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He didn't see the red of her skin. The redness that was cause by his hard grip as he had been startled out of his flashback. A flashback that had seem so vivid and so real--it was like it was happening then and there. He didn't see the broken look on her face as he had turned before he saw her face. He was ashamed. Ashamed that he let his emotions get the better of him like that. He could have HURT her! BADLY! Oh god he never would have forgiven himself if something like that had happened! Thankfully it hadn't. And so there wasn't any more guilt to add to the already heavy plate.

He heard the stunned voice as she repeated what he said. Yeah nine months...even now the thought made him mentally cringe. She said nothing else though and he wondered what she was thinking. He wished she would just say something already. ANYTHING. Angry words, sad words, furious words--something. This whole not knowing what she felt--what she was thinking--the suspense was tearing him up even more then he thought it would. And that was saying something. Even if she was mad as fire at him--he wanted to know. That was all he wanted right now. Was to just know if she even wanted to be around him or not.

She stammered over her own words. It seemed as if she wasn't sure what to say either. He bit his lip softly as she started to say something but then she had stopped. No. No pauses! Please no pauses! Pauses generally meant that you were struggling to figure out how to say what you wanted to say. And of course his mind automatically went to the worst. "Maybe...maybe what?" he asked a lump in his throat as he had asked...he wasn't sure if he wanted to know and yet another part of him was almost jumping up and down in suspense filled anticipation. What? What was she going to say?!

Her voice was suddenly firm and he had to fight not to flinch. Oh that couldn't mean anything good. But he had already decided that no matter what happened here this day--this hour--that he would take it like a man and respect it. She said she didn't want to hear excuses and his eyebrow raised even if she didn't see it because his back was to her. Excuses?! The word brought a sudden surge of anger within him. Excuses?! How could she?! There was none! He wasn't making any! He wasn't even remotely trying to give her some half assed answer as to why he hadn't visited her sooner! I mean he was a prisoner of war! Trapped a couple of thousand miles away with no way out! Sure he had been home for a while now. And he felt bad for not doing this sooner. But excuses! how dare she think he would try to make excuses for this! She should know him better then that! He always owned up to his mistakes--maybe not at that precises moment but eventually! And this was no different!

He sighed as she said she owed him nothing. That was where she was wrong. He DID owe her something! He wasn't entirely sure what at this point...but he had to make amends for what he had done. To rekindle that relationship hopefully. To make things right. He paused himself for a moment before speaking,

"I just want to ask you something. Just one question River and please -- be honest with me here." he said. Sure he would have been brokenhearted if she didn't want to be with a wrecked mind like his....or if she had moved on to someone else like he had been telling her to do for so long...but still--he would have known. And to be honest--he would have been happy for her. "I want to know if you still love me?" he asked and before she could protest or even say a word..he continued to speak softly, "I--I'm not the same person as I was before I left that week River. I've changed. I just--want to know that your okay with that." he said softly head hanging low as he stood back still facing towards her. He didn't want to see her face and the possible rejection....

...cause it was still possible you know?

@river

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"Maybe nothing," she said firmly. She clenched her hands into fists and brought them together in her lap to steady them. So what if he didn't speak to her after he got back? So what that his parents didn't even try to contact her. Did he ask them not to? She had always thought that she was a part of that family. Of his family. But now, she had no idea what any of them thought of her. Or him. Or even their relationship. She felt her hands started to shake. She wasn't sure if it was with fear, rage or just all the emotions in one. But she didn't want him to see.

When he said, she almost turned around to console him. But she didn't. She held firm. At least until he started to ask his questions. He wanted to ask her something, did he? And she had to be honest. Of course she'd be honest, she'd never lie to him. Not in a million years. Even if he did crush her heart by showing up and saying that he had been around for months. Lying was still not as option. When the word love came out of his mouth, she whipped around to face him. Her face showed almost no emotion. Stoic. Cold. Almost peaceful. She waited until he was done speaking and then her eyebrows began to knit together in contemplation.

That was indeed a very good question... could she? Did she still love him? Of course she did. But did she want him to know that. That was the hard part. His head was hanging low and she reached a hand out, as if she was going to lift his chin. Then she dropped it. The last time she touched him didn't go well. It would take a lot of getting used to, figuring out when touching was okay and when it wasn't. She bit her lip slightly and brought her arms back to her, twiddling her fingers together. "I do love you," she finally said, slowly and calmly. She was surprised at how calm saying the words out loud made her feel. "But what if the new you doesn't love me?" There. She said it.

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He saw her hands shaking. It wasn't that hard to miss after all--no matter how hard she was trying to hide it. She was mad--he knew she was mad. He knew why she was mad. It made perfect sense after all. But even then--even now--he could feel a growing sense of anger bubbling inside of him. The selfish part of him was mad because--well because he thought she would be more happy then this. Happy to see him. I mean he could have died, he could have been killed or he could have wasted away like that one young kid did. He mentally shuddered as the image fluttered through his head again. It wasn't something he ever thought would go away. There was a lot of things that had happened to him that he didn't think were ever going to leave his mind or his memories. The thought crossed his mind already. He knew she was an obliviator. She could erase the bad memories if she wanted to. Make it as if nothing ever happened. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to ask that of her. It was just too much--he couldn't .. no he wouldn't do that to her. Sides that was the coward's way out the one stubborn part of him said--and he was a lot of things but he was NOT a coward.

Or at least he wasn't going to freely admit to being one anyways.

He glanced up seeing her stoic and cold face--he sighed. This was not at all going like he had thought it would. And then she surprised HIM and he stood there stunned almost as she spoke. 'What if the new you doesn't love me?' she had asked him and he had frozen for a moment. What kind of question was THAT? He loved her -- always had and always would till the day he died. There was nothing about that was going to change. Ever. "I always have and always will. That is the one thing that will never change about me." he said simply yet with enough boldness and conviction to hopefully convince her that he meant what he said as much as he knew that he meant what he said. He didn't turn to face her and instead all the words, all the feelings, all the pent up emotions would suddenly came flooding out of him in a tide of words,

"You were one of the people I thought about all the time. The thought of dying without saying goodbye -- it was awful. It made me cry. And you were the one that kept me going when I wanted to give in--when I wanted them to just kill me and get it over with. When I didn't think I could take it anymore--you pulled me out of that. But when I got back I just--I was being stupid! I was being insecure! I was too damn worried about what people would think and say to actually get up and face the day. I didn't want their pity! And so I didn't let anyone to visit me at the hospital. And i didn't really want to face anyone when I got out either. I mean I saw my parents for the first time only four months ago. And now I'm here. I want to be with you...I'm over that stupidity now...I just...I'm asking for a second chance River...that's all..."

He stammered and trailed off as he finished his mini rant and flopped back down onto the nearest seat. He didn't look at her--he was almost scared to. He didn't want to be pushed away. He reeeaaally didn't. But a part of him wouldn't blame her if she did. He had really hurt her emotionally by going missing like he had. And then again when he had admitted to being home for as long as he had without saying anything. He wouldn't blame her at all if she told him to 'go away'. But there was that part of him that didn't want her to. That wanted to be with her and love her and make up for the last several years. He wanted a second chance. He desperately wanted that second chance. But it was up to her now...there wasn't anything he could say or do to make her give him that chance--she had to want to.

And he was scared to death that she wouldn't want to......

The serious moment of all moments was broken as the silent air was broken by a soft whining noise. Ian suddenly felt a soft and furry head underneath his hand. He looked down and oh--he had nearly forgotten that he had brought Duke with him. funny--he had thought he had told the shepherd canine to sit outside (as he wasn't sure how River would have reacted to him) but it seemed as if he had sneaked inside anyways. Damn he had been so quiet--it was like he was never even there. He must have just curled up in a corner and sat there until he sensed the growing tensions in the room and whatnot. Giving the dog a soft pat on the head--he finally turned towards River,

"Oh uhm this is Duke, He's my ther--uhh he's my dog. He's real gentle and such...." he trailed off as Duke suddenly walked up towards River and nuzzled his cold nose against her hand with an inquisitive type of whine. And all Ian could do was hope that she wouldn't freak and be all right with him...cause that was all he needed to add to the mess...

@river

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River listened as he explained himself in terms of loving her, and then stayed silent as he talked about thinking of her during the war. Then he was asking for a second chance. A lot of things were coming out of his mouth at once, but they were all the same thing in the center. He loved her, and he was sorry. Shouldn't that be all that mattered? Shouldn't she just accept that for what it was? But she just found herself getting caught up in his words, staring at him like a fish with her mouth slightly gaped open. What was she supposed to say now? Luckily, she was rescued from having to speak when the dog came and nuzzled her. It made her jump a little, but she began scratching behind his ears.

"Hey, it's no problem. Dogs are great," she said a little breathlessly, realizing she had been holding her breath for most of that time. She was glad Ian had a dog,  dogs were meant to cheer people up. That's what Rivers cat was for, anyway. That's why it was given to her. As River brushed behind Dukes ears, she didn't look at Ian for the moment, "That's a good boy," she said, letting the dog know he was being praised and loved. That's what the dog seemed to want when he came over whining with the nudging. Isn't that basically what Ian was doing? So why wasn't she scratching behind his ears? Hypothetically.

Oddly enough, this is what convinced her to get her act together. She turned back to face Ian, "Hey... hey," she spoke softly, almost more to herself than to him. She removed her hand from the dogs ears and lifted it slowly, touching Ians cheek briefly and lightly, not wanting to startle him, "I'm not angry with you. I'm a little... frazzled, and confused, but not angry. I think..." she paused for a moment, biting her lip slightly, "I think we can do this. I really do. I believe in us, and I believe in you," she removed her hand from his cheek and dropped it into her lap. "I'm willing to give this a shot, Ian, but only if you let me in. Really let me in. I want to help, and I know I can. You just have to trust me," she stared at him with intense eyes.



@crystal5

[Deleted]

She was sporting the fish out of water look right about now.

Oh god this could not have meant good things. He couldn't help but stress out over what she could be thinking right about now. It was the biggest worry he had in coming here and reuniting with her. What he wouldn't give to be able to read minds right now or something like that. just to get a glimpse inside of her head. Cause he could only imagine how her mind was taking all of this information being thrown at it all at once. She didn't expect to see him again--he was sure of that. And yet here he was--what a shock to the system it must have been. And then finding out he had been here for a while and hadn't come to see her--what a shock THAT must have been too.

Thankfully she didn't seem to be put off by Duke. The shepherd enjoyed the ear scratches -- his eyes closing in a pleased kind of manner as she patted his head and told him he was a good dog. And he was. He was a great dog. A dog who helped him out through some dark, dark moments during the past months. Ian didn't really want to think about what would have happened in those moments if he didn't have Duke. He didn't even want to think about it anymore. She seemed quiet for a moment and he was on edge again. All of the quiet--it was killing him on the inside here people! If only they could just both spit out their words! It would have made this horribly awkward moment a bit easier. Ahh alas--it was not meant to be. The awkward moment stayed super awkward.

She suddenly spoke again--a hand reaching up to touch his cheek for a moment. She said she wasn't angry. His muscles relaxed and he almost sighed a sigh of relief but he stopped himself. He was still relieved though. She wasn't mad. She didn't want him to go away. She didn't want to throw him out of his life. She said she was frazzled and confused---and well he couldn't blame her for that one at all. He himself was frazzled and confused about a lot of things---they were in the same boat there. She really thought that they could be together...she believed in them...and in him too. He had to let her in though she said. He had to trust her. let her help him. And that was going to be tough. He didn't want to burden anyone with the things he had gone through. But then again -- maybe it would help to talk to someone about it. They had wanted him to see a therapist after all. He had refused of course on the grounds of he didn't want to talk about it to a stranger. But this wasn't a stranger, It was River. The woman he loved--if he couldn't trust her...well then--he deserved to be alone.

"I--I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me. Thank you. I trust you River. And I'll try my best to let you in." trying was all he could promise. Everything was just so hard to talk about--he couldn't make any promises...

Duke meanwhile was sitting next to the two humans and the canine was wondering what exactly was going on. humans did some weird things in his mind at times. But he was a patient dog--he would wait and see...

@river