Post by Bianca Alia Rivera on Nov 3, 2021 9:54:41 GMT -7
Felix always asked impossible questions. It was a trademark of his, something that Bianca had noticed from the first minute of that first conversation on New Year’s Eve. He never scraped at the surface-level of a phenomenon, instead piercing through to the heart of it to examine and reexamine everything they thought they knew. Bianca liked that, if only because she didn’t believe anything was truly impossible. It was the ultimate challenge, taking something unknown and abstract and assigning a meaning to it. He constantly presented her with the most difficult questions, the ones that didn’t have any true answer, and challenged her to prove him wrong. It was irresistible, and she’d never been able to stay away yet.
True to form, his next questions were heavy, and…something she asked herself, when she was alone with her thoughts. What was the point of it all? Why try if failure was inevitable? These were the same dilemmas that plagued her mind constantly, that encouraged her to keep her barriers strong against the rest of the world. She couldn’t be hurt if she never gave anyone the opportunity. But, Bianca considered as she studied Felix intently, she hadn’t been listening to her own advice. These last few months, she had been showing Felix parts of herself, elements she kept private from most of the world. In those spaces between the passionate nights and the early mornings, she’d told him things, and even shared more without speaking. And she’d ended up hurt anyway, hadn’t she? Was this ultimate low really worth all the highs that had come before? Meeting Felix had never been part of her plan, and now it brought all these unwelcome emotions she didn't want to examine, didn't want to ask herself why they were there.
She still felt that almost magnetic pull, to eagerly respond without a second thought and share what she really thought. They’d spar for a while, and then they’d get distracted with other things. It was how it always went, except this time there was a deviation from the pattern. Bianca didn’t give in to that impulse, and Felix began to answer his own question. Growth, she supposed. He admitted in a small voice that he wanted it to be for something, and she bit her lip to suppress the impulse to draw closer. She liked when he showed the vulnerability she knew was there. It meant he was human, and not just the detached philosopher he showed to the world most of the time. It was a moment of honesty that could stay between them, and that made her value it more whenever those moments happened. Instead she sighed slightly and played with a loose thread on a nearby throw pillow. “You shouldn’t worry about the big picture so much. It’ll happen with or without you.” The memory of their first meeting was already so close to the surface of her mind that Bianca could easily recall sitting at the bar with Felix, a gleam in his eyes as he challenged her to try his drink and imagine paradise.
“I warned you, didn’t I? If you keep looking ahead, then you’ll miss what’s right in front of you,” Bianca murmured, although she couldn’t help the heavy note of regret in her voice. It felt too late to say something like that. Felix had already found the next thing in his life, this new woman he had met and married on the same night, and now Bianca was going to become a memory. Whatever potential had begun to spark between them on New Year's Eve -- well, they'd already missed it. It was already a lost opportunity. She hated how that made her feel, because she wasn’t supposed to feel anything. Felix was right, in a sense, because their arrangement was always supposed to be just about the sex. She didn’t know when she’d started to lie to herself about that. She froze when she felt the ghost of Felix’s touch on her hand, and didn’t start to breathe until a moment or two after he pulled away. It seemed impossible to miss someone who was sitting right in front of her, but she was a determined witch. Always had been. And she was determined to put Felix, and all the bitterness and hurt and regret, behind her. She didn’t answer his question immediately, instead contemplating hard what she thought was worth fighting for. Finally, she said, “Whatever makes it all worth it. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared, or worried about getting hurt…because you know your life is better because of it anyway.” She paused before adding, "I don't know if I've found that, either. But I want it."
The most fundamental lesson in Transfiguration was the concept of sameness. The key was to find all the common links between two objects, and therefore make the magic stronger. It had always been her favorite subject, and applying the concept made her Legilimency stronger too. The memories were ones she recognized, the same sequence of events that she was reminded of every time she broke into Felix’s mind. But the emotions weren’t hers, and she withdrew almost automatically at the intensity before forcing herself to continue deeper. It was easy for an inexperienced Occlumens to drown in the memories, allow the Legilimens to control the pace. But for the first time she could feel Felix there with her, and she gasped as the strength of his Shield Charm pushed her out of his mind and even back a foot on the couch. Bianca stared at him for a moment, breathing a little heavily at the unusual sensation of being forced out instead of choosing to withdraw. That didn't happen much at all. Then she felt a smile flicker on her face. “We’ll make an Occlumens out of you yet,” she said, the praise clear in her tone. She chose to ignore the flush in his cheeks and the memories she’d found in the surface of his mind. The subject had become a Pandora’s Box, and Bianca wasn’t ready to open it yet. Didn't want to open it and confront what all those feelings meant -- it was easier to play dumb and ignore the deeper implications.
FELIX CICERO TELLER
True to form, his next questions were heavy, and…something she asked herself, when she was alone with her thoughts. What was the point of it all? Why try if failure was inevitable? These were the same dilemmas that plagued her mind constantly, that encouraged her to keep her barriers strong against the rest of the world. She couldn’t be hurt if she never gave anyone the opportunity. But, Bianca considered as she studied Felix intently, she hadn’t been listening to her own advice. These last few months, she had been showing Felix parts of herself, elements she kept private from most of the world. In those spaces between the passionate nights and the early mornings, she’d told him things, and even shared more without speaking. And she’d ended up hurt anyway, hadn’t she? Was this ultimate low really worth all the highs that had come before? Meeting Felix had never been part of her plan, and now it brought all these unwelcome emotions she didn't want to examine, didn't want to ask herself why they were there.
She still felt that almost magnetic pull, to eagerly respond without a second thought and share what she really thought. They’d spar for a while, and then they’d get distracted with other things. It was how it always went, except this time there was a deviation from the pattern. Bianca didn’t give in to that impulse, and Felix began to answer his own question. Growth, she supposed. He admitted in a small voice that he wanted it to be for something, and she bit her lip to suppress the impulse to draw closer. She liked when he showed the vulnerability she knew was there. It meant he was human, and not just the detached philosopher he showed to the world most of the time. It was a moment of honesty that could stay between them, and that made her value it more whenever those moments happened. Instead she sighed slightly and played with a loose thread on a nearby throw pillow. “You shouldn’t worry about the big picture so much. It’ll happen with or without you.” The memory of their first meeting was already so close to the surface of her mind that Bianca could easily recall sitting at the bar with Felix, a gleam in his eyes as he challenged her to try his drink and imagine paradise.
“I warned you, didn’t I? If you keep looking ahead, then you’ll miss what’s right in front of you,” Bianca murmured, although she couldn’t help the heavy note of regret in her voice. It felt too late to say something like that. Felix had already found the next thing in his life, this new woman he had met and married on the same night, and now Bianca was going to become a memory. Whatever potential had begun to spark between them on New Year's Eve -- well, they'd already missed it. It was already a lost opportunity. She hated how that made her feel, because she wasn’t supposed to feel anything. Felix was right, in a sense, because their arrangement was always supposed to be just about the sex. She didn’t know when she’d started to lie to herself about that. She froze when she felt the ghost of Felix’s touch on her hand, and didn’t start to breathe until a moment or two after he pulled away. It seemed impossible to miss someone who was sitting right in front of her, but she was a determined witch. Always had been. And she was determined to put Felix, and all the bitterness and hurt and regret, behind her. She didn’t answer his question immediately, instead contemplating hard what she thought was worth fighting for. Finally, she said, “Whatever makes it all worth it. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared, or worried about getting hurt…because you know your life is better because of it anyway.” She paused before adding, "I don't know if I've found that, either. But I want it."
The most fundamental lesson in Transfiguration was the concept of sameness. The key was to find all the common links between two objects, and therefore make the magic stronger. It had always been her favorite subject, and applying the concept made her Legilimency stronger too. The memories were ones she recognized, the same sequence of events that she was reminded of every time she broke into Felix’s mind. But the emotions weren’t hers, and she withdrew almost automatically at the intensity before forcing herself to continue deeper. It was easy for an inexperienced Occlumens to drown in the memories, allow the Legilimens to control the pace. But for the first time she could feel Felix there with her, and she gasped as the strength of his Shield Charm pushed her out of his mind and even back a foot on the couch. Bianca stared at him for a moment, breathing a little heavily at the unusual sensation of being forced out instead of choosing to withdraw. That didn't happen much at all. Then she felt a smile flicker on her face. “We’ll make an Occlumens out of you yet,” she said, the praise clear in her tone. She chose to ignore the flush in his cheeks and the memories she’d found in the surface of his mind. The subject had become a Pandora’s Box, and Bianca wasn’t ready to open it yet. Didn't want to open it and confront what all those feelings meant -- it was easier to play dumb and ignore the deeper implications.
FELIX CICERO TELLER