i caught myself | nell

[jude sinclair archer]

━ sharing my heart, it's tearing me apart ━

spring 2024

FOR THE LAST EIGHT TO ten months, Archer was nothing more than a thoughtless traveller. His mind caught up with him frequently and in an attempt to quieten it, he kept moving. There were nights the man could barely sleep, and others where he thought he was stuck in an endless hibernation. It was all because of that one day, the same day he couldn't piece together, no matter how hard or little he thought of it. Saffron's voice still played at the back of his mind, the last conversation he recalled mentioning that this mission was another easy task.

Something they'd have wrapped up in half an hour or less. Archer hadn't realised it would be her funeral wrapped up weeks later instead. Deciding to leave was made on a whimsical choice, something Archer never did. He planned everything meticulously, knowing that even the smallest factor could have some risk involved. Now? None of that mattered.

Similarly, neither did his return. He didn't dare to contact his family, others within his career, and not even Rhys. There was only one person that had itched away at the back of his mind for all of those months, and he was determined to see her. Even if she was mad at him, for the reckless and stupid choices he had made, he only wanted to see her. To apologise in some form, and get on her nerves of course.

Recalling the apartment building Nell Ollivander lived within, Archer made sure to even pop by Ollivanders to ensure she wasn't working. It would have been more than awkward to have their wondrous reunion at Nell's sisters' store. Between the curse breaker's fingers rested the last postcard he had bought for Nell, the one he had forgotten to send off simply because he wanted this moment, to hand it to her in person.

He had done that for the months he disappeared, keeping contact with Nell simply by sending postcards. First it was of cities, then places more secluded and remote. But Archer was sure she had relayed the information onto Rhys, Flossie and Juniper. That their friend was indeed alive.

Avoiding the peep hole as he knocked on her door, Archer stood to the side, pressing his side into the panelling. He wondered what she would say first. Or if she would hit him first. Whatever he anticipated, he simply couldn't wait for it.

| eleanor gwendolen ollivander |

[eleanor gwendolen ollivander]

▲

Creating custom wands out of her flat’s tiny living room was not how Nell had envisioned her life just six years after graduating. It felt like Veronica had no intention of naming her a full wandmaker, despite the years she had put into Ollivander’s. Fairness didn’t seem to be a concept that her sister quite understood, and if she did, she purposely declined to follow through with it. Nell didn’t want the family shop. She never had unless something happened where she was the next in line to inherit it. All she wanted was to be a proper wandmaker.

She had come to a number of conclusions over the last few months, starting with the fact that she wasn’t making it any further in her current position, and ending with a few different possibilities for the future. The first was what she was doing right now: making custom wands to sell to those that were interested in something a little different from what Ollivander’s offered on its shelves. Cores and woods that Veronica, and her family, had refused to work with for centuries. This, by extension, led to the idea that if she did manage to save up enough, she could try to rent out her own shop to sell from. Going in as direct competition to her family’s store sounded terrifying to her, but she had a few ideas to differentiate what she was doing from them. That still required quite a bit of money she didn’t have, nor the supplies to keep a wand shop going past one start of term shopping spree.

The final option was to leave England and find a wandmaker elsewhere that was looking for an apprentice. Nell knew she didn’t have much left before being named a fully-fledged wandmaker, maybe even surpassing most apprenticeships because of who she was. But that would at least garner her the respect that she deserved. Whether it was France or the United States, there had to be someone else out there that needed a successor. She doubted any would turn away a wayward Ollivander. Name alone would draw in more customers.

Nell wasn’t particularly interested in leaving London though. She liked it here, sister aside. Being berated and verbally beaten down day in and day out was getting harder with every day that passed. Her friends had all put their heads down and started to grind out their own work over the last few years, especially after the events of the previous summer. Saffron was dead, Rhys was seemingly back with Juniper again (go figure), and Archer had all but disappeared. She got the occasional postcard from him but had all but given up on seeing him again any time soon. The hope had been that he’d be able to act as her sounding board in all of this, because their weird little secret relationship that had been going on since school had awarded her that luxury. Nell knew the reason why they never said anything about it; because it had all the possibility of turning out the same way she had seen Rhys and Juniper go. Failure. Not that it mattered anymore. In a few months, it would be almost a year since she had seen him. The worst part was that she went days without thinking about him now. Every once in a while, that became a week. Only when one of his stupid postcards arrived did she remember to be upset about it.

The loud rap of someone knocking on her door distracted her from the wand she had begun to carve into. A solid piece of hawthorn that would eventually house a delicate pair of fairy wings as its core. Unique in every way, and perfect for a witch or wizard that excelled in healing, charms, and hexes. Who would that sell to? She had no clue. But it sounded amazing on paper, and people like exotic wands.

Dusting off the wood shavings that had collected on her hands, Nell padded over towards the door to her apartment and peered through the peep hole, not seeing anyone directly outside. Her eyebrows furrowed; there was no way a person could have knocked and gotten to the end of her hallway already, and she hadn’t heard any of the other neighbor’s doors open. Opening her door because she wanted to see if she could hear footsteps walking away, she spotted a figure flattened up against the wall directly out of eyeline from inside.

”Why are you here?” she asked, instantly angry at Archer for standing there, as if nothing had happened over the last year. Nell didn’t want to be upset at him, there had been a tiny flip of excitement in her stomach as her brain processed that he was finally back, which was immediately pushed to the side by the anger. ”Do you-” Her voice started to rise, forgetting that they were standing in the hallway. She grabbed at his arm to drag him inside the flat, where her sound dampening charms would activate the second her door closed again. ”Do you know how long its been?” Nell snapped the moment she was in the clear.

jude sinclair archer ● 863

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

[jude sinclair archer]

━ sharing my heart, it's tearing me apart ━

ANTICIPATING THAT NELL WOULD PULL him inside simply to complain and berate at him, Archer couldn't help but grin as things followed the pattern he had created in his head. As he stood initially, arms crossed as she began speaking, her voice raising in that way, that funny little way whenever she was just a tad bit angry, was all the amusement he needed. The amusement and excitement he had simply missed. As the door shut behind him, Archer figured she had sound dampening charms on the apartment, because her voice raised almost ten fold.

Not being able to help himself, Archer continued to grin, feeling the exact same way a younger boy felt, pestering the same old Ollivander back in their sixth and seventh years. Ignoring her questions at first, the taller man stepped forward, closing the gap between them a little before embracing Eleanor tightly. He usually gave her warning when he was about to touch her, knowing that at times she wasn't particularly...fond of physical touch. But this moment called for it.

"I'll take it you didn't like my postcards?" He joked, sighing as he took in her smell. The familiarity of it all was comforting, but the smell of chipped and carved wood was more dominant than ever. He had suspected Nell decided to go along with her plans then, to take custom orders and work on her skills. It was something he could always commend her for, she never struck out of a plan she set in place for herself.

Pulling out of their embrace before she could object at all, Archer then moved his hands, using his free hand to rest under her chin, tilting it upwards and forcing their eyes on one another. "Give or take ten months...Aren't you happy you're the first person I came to?" He paused then, the corners of his lips rising once more before revealing the last postcard in his other hand. "Bought this last week. Didn't have time to send it off though."

| eleanor gwendolen ollivander |

[eleanor gwendolen ollivander]

▲

Allowing him in had apparently also been an invitation for being smothered, though Nell didn’t resist as she was hugged. This was the part that she hated the most. Where she wanted to be angry but had so desperately missed the affection. Touch-starved for months, she didn’t fight back. She didn’t know if Archer really understood what it meant for him to disappear for so long. Had Rhys been available to at least talk to, which he wasn’t because the siren had returned and dragged him away again, then she probably would have been fine. While he didn’t know of this relationship, Archer would have still been brought up in casual conversation.

She didn’t answer immediately about the postcards he had sent. They were all stuck to her fridge with magnets, in order of how she had received them. The nice thing about not having one over meant that she didn’t need to explain where she had gotten them. A simple spell also made them slide into a nearby drawer, out of sight and mind. She hated that it had come to that, but she also liked her privacy just as much. ”They were okay…” she muttered into his chest. It would have been better if he had been here in their place.

The embrace eventually ended, and Archer continued on, acting as if his disappearing charade wasn’t as serious as it was. Nell really didn’t care if she was the first person he saw (though she also sort of did). Her eyes flicked over to the final postcard. Did it matter now that he was here? That made it sound like he hadn’t decided to return until he’d picked it up, otherwise it would have been added to the collection.

She sort of hated how quickly she’d been diffused too. Nell knew that she had the ability to draw out the same temper that her sister had. It just failed to do so frequently, unless she was really pushed to her limits. ”I’m still pissed,” she said as she snatched the postcard out of his hand and turned to head into her kitchen to put it next to the rest.

jude sinclair archer ● 361

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

[jude sinclair archer]

━ sharing my heart, it's tearing me apart ━

NOT FEELING HER PULL AWAY from their embrace only resulted in another cheeky smirk rising on Archer's lips. Archer knew she wouldn't be able to resist such a thing - immediate comfort, because he too also missed it all. It was..kind of a benefit that stemmed from whatever relationship the two of them had. The teasing, the comfort, whatever that had began from the end of their sixth year together in Hogwarts. Noticing that she didn't answer immediately about his postcards, the curse breaker's brow rose a little, settling with satisfaction as she finally muttered her reply.

Rubbing at her back as the two embraced, Archer rested his chin on the top of her head. He loved towering over her, the feeling of protecting her, even though she had nothing to be protected from..Well. Except from her sister... "Just okay?" He asked once they split apart. Archer knew he had no right to feel offended or even to try make her feel bad. In actuality, he was the one that needed to feel guilt. He left without warning and now he was back without warning. Who was he to say he probably wouldn't do it again?

Smirking as the final postcard was snatched out of his hands, Archer took her walk further into her apartment as an invite to follow after her. And like a simple lap dog, he did just that. "You know why I left.." He sighed out as he followed her to the kitchen. The sight of the other postcards being stuck on the fridge with magnets shouldn't have brought another smile to Archer's lips, but thats all he was able to do whenever Nell was in his presence. That and laugh whenever he irritated her far enough.

"You might be still pissed, but you..really missed me huh?" He teased, walking a little closer to the fridge and flicking one corner of the post card he had sent in early winter. Turning to face Nell with a wider grin, he then reached out for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.." He began with all seriousness. "..Without writing you a formal letter of my whereabouts."

| eleanor gwendolen ollivander |

[eleanor gwendolen ollivander]

▲

It was always work. Nell understood, of course. That was probably why she’d never seen eye to eye with Juniper when it came down to talking about the various Cursebreakers in their lives. The part that irked her the most about this situation with Archer was the fact that he had taken such an extended leave. From the country. From everything. From her. Nell hated that she understood why he did it. But she was allowed to vent her frustrations too. That was sort of how this relationship went anyways. Whatever this was now. She had stopped long ago trying to place any sort of definition on it, and the second she did that, it had become infinitely easier. Watching what Rhys went through made her balk at the idea of ever making things ‘official’ with Archer. They both seemed to like the current arrangement as it was. If he ever retired, she’d think about re-evaluating it.

Into the kitchen she went, Archer tagging along closely behind her. Her postcard covered fridge absolutely gave away how she’d been feeling the last few months. Nell found a spare magnet and stuck the newest in an open spot. She had to buy more after the first few postcards, and if Archer had been any longer, she would have had to do it again in another month or two.

”Of course I did,” she responded as he took her hand. He wasn’t being serious about this at all, and that only compounded her frustration that she was trying to harbor towards him. Unfortunately for her, it was failing. His change of tone was reassuring though. ”Really?” Nell asked, looking up at him from their hands. ”Because I’ve got Veronica screwing me around enough as it is.” She didn’t really mean to come across as brash now of all times, but it slipped out. Having both her work and personal lives jerking her around wasn’t exactly her idea of a fulfilling life. At least he was admitting that he’d let her know where he was off to next time. Back to daredevil Cursebreaker antics. Somehow, that was more comforting to her than what he’d just returned from…

jude sinclair archer ● 363

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

[jude sinclair archer]

━ sharing my heart, it's tearing me apart ━

ALMOST EVERYONE KNEW WHY ARCHER suddenly disappeared. The story had gone around about Saffron’s sudden passing and funeral no doubt, but Archer was far from an emotional man. He had confided in both Rhys and Nell of course - though he had confided in the latter a little more - and within a matter of weeks he had taken off.

There was no guilt behind the choice, but simply because he couldn’t remember anything about the day. It remained a blur to him, even with almost a year passing. There were still times the Cursebreaker found it challenging to sleep, seeing Saffron in his dreams and the need to chase after the memory that simply wasn’t there. But he wouldn’t admit that anytime soon - not even to Nell.

Tagging along with a wide grin, Archer couldn’t help but feel pride bubble within him as he saw all the postcards he had sent to her scattered across her fridge. Held up with different kinds of magnets, eyes softened as the Cursebreaker watched her hang the new one in an open spot. Squeezing her hand at her reply, Archer couldn’t help but let a quiet laugh pass his lips. ”I missed you too.” He told her quietly, lifting her hand to his lips, gently kissing at her knuckles. Like he used to do whenever he enjoyed annoying her.

”Really.” He nodded, he had no immediate plans to get back into Cursebreaking and therefore out of the country travelling again, but he did want to spend the next few weeks or months settling for a bit. Explaining and answering questions to those he had simply..left behind in the year he had disappeared for. Pulling her in by her hand a little, Archer's soft smile dampened a little.

”What’s the old hag doing now?” Old Hag was the nickname he had decided for Nell’s older sister years ago, and even when he stood before the older Ollivander, he shortened the…lovely nickname to OH. It was always amusing seeing her squabble and ponder with confusion. ”Did you ever start those custom orders like you mentioned?”

| eleanor gwendolen ollivander |

[eleanor gwendolen ollivander]

▲

Merlin it was difficult to be mad at him for too long. Nell sort of understood McGonagall now, and why she had stuck around for as long as she did with Rhys. These two idiots were way too suave with the way they could easily pop in and out without effort. And then proceed to make up for their absences like they never happened in the first place. Obviously in her and Archer’s case, they weren’t ‘dating’, only because they (or at least Nell) had convinced themselves that calling it that would end up with any relationship imploding the second it gained a label. Again, it was merely a label. What they did or did not call it had no bearing on their relationship, of which there definitely was one.

Nell rolled her eyes at him as he kissed her hand, still trying to maintain her frustration but utterly failing at it. She could have argued for hours about how if he had really ‘missed her’, he would have come back months ago. Or sent an actual letter than was more than where he happened to be at the time. Regardless, as with how she’d been for the last few minutes, she felt her guard drop completely another layer dissolving for him.

”Being a bitch. Suppose that isn’t exactly an update though,” Nell grumbled as she dropped her hand, though still maintained the hold she had on his. With the way he effortlessly flitted in and out of the country, it felt like he could do so again at any moment, even though he just finished saying he wouldn’t without warning. ”Won’t advance me up past trainee status. Which is ridiculous because I’ve been more qualified than most professional wandmakers for years now.” If they were really counting, she would have been given the accreditation of wandmaker by anyone else at the end of her second year of training. Nell knew her sister was purposely refraining from giving her the official title. No Ollivander had ever been a trainee for six years. The mere thought of it was shameful.

Which led into Archer’s next question: her custom orders. ”Of course I did,” she answered briskly, before dragging him out of the kitchen and towards the corner of her living room where she had her tools set up for wandmaking. The one she had been working on when he knocked was right where she left it on the workbench that she somehow managed to fit into her flat. ”That one is hawthorn and fairy wings. Or will be. I have a few others as well…it just costs a lot when trying to get materials without a shop behind me.” She certainly wasn’t going to steal scraps from Ollivander’s either. That would really get Veronica going. And not in the fun for Nell way.

jude sinclair archer ● 472

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

[jude sinclair archer]

━ sharing my heart, it's tearing me apart ━

KNOWING THAT HE WAS CRACKING at the walls she had immediately put up, Archer knew that inevitable conversations needed to be held eventually. Especially with whatever the two of them had going on. Of course, they couldn't help but compare their situation to their friends, but their situation was different entirely. Both Archer and Nell knew what they wanted, they tip-toed around the conversation of it all, but they were still honest with one another.

Seeing Nell roll her eyes only left a smirk on the Cursebreaker's lips, even as he stood tall, slightly towering over her. "Don't pretend to be annoyed." He joked, knowing she was most definitely annoyed at him, but no less, his thumb gently brushed against her hand. Archer couldn't help but laugh quietly at Nell's update about her sister, nodding along to show he was listening. "So barely anything's changed?" He added, feeling a soft smile touch at his lips at the realisation of how tight her grasp on him was.

Understanding Nell's frustration, Archer hummed quietly before adding. "She has to know what she's doing by now. It's a joke that you're still doing things any other wandmaker would stop doing after six months...You know what you have to do right?" Being whisked away from the kitchen and into the living room, the grin dared to leave Archer's lips. He enjoyed the...demand and directness Nell had whenever she was around him, proving that she called the shots from time to time. It didn't matter to the Cursebreaker, he just loved being around her.

Eyes slightly widened at the shift of it all, seeing the different crafts and creations the Ollivander had made, brows raising in interest as she went on in detail about the one at her workbench. As Nell mentioned it was hard to get materials without a shop behind her, Archer took his chances. Pulling her forward with their entertwined hands, he smirked down at her. "So then, use me."

Archer had enough Galleons pouring out of his ears, most of his own accord and work but others stemming from his family's fortune. "I'll get you whatever you ask. Don't worry about the costs..You just..keep saving for the shop..If that's your end goal."

| eleanor gwendolen ollivander |

[eleanor gwendolen ollivander]

▲

”Same as it has always been.” And would probably continue to be until the end of time. Veronica had her own set of issues and always chose to take it out on the rest of the family. Nell blamed it on their parents. They should have nipped this in the bud years ago, but here they were. Silently stewing inside the wand shop was basically the entire workday for her now, with zero intervention from her dad. Ollivander’s was her sister’s shop now. Going to her father for anything aside from crafting advice would definitely not go over well in Veronica’s eyes. Heck, there were times where Nell didn’t even want to accidentally breathe the wrong way in her sister’s direction, in fear of upsetting her further. It was no wonder she was divorced now. Lies aside, her former brother-in-law was better off separated from her sister. Everyone in the family knew that.

Archer essentially reiterated everything Nell had been feeling for years now. He knew the deal though. She had whined enough about it for long enough that she was surprised he patiently listened to her still. Because he wasn’t wrong; she had to do something about all of this. There was sort of a plan in motion, of course. Nell liked to think she had grown a bit of a spine during her tenure as her sister’s punching bag, and leaving was the first step. ”Yeah, opening my own shop or leaving the country,” she answered sarcastically, despite those being the two options she had been bouncing around in her head.

She was sort of taken aback by the offer to have him acquire the materials she needed to make her wands. Enticing as it was, the legality of it was what held her back. These sorts of things had to be confirmed with the various governments when importing. If Archer brought in a Thunderbird feather and had it labeled as for personal use and not to add to a wand, they’d both be in trouble. It would be different if she went to collect the materials personally, because she was the one ultimately making the wand.

Hesitating as she tried to think of the best way to explain that to him, Nell could feel him staring down at her. She wished it was as easy as that. ”Thank you, but…I think this is something I have to do on my own. If I don’t, and Veronica ever figures it out, she’ll hold that over me for the rest of our lives. Plus, it’s sort of frowned upon in the wandmaking world to get core materials through unofficial channels.” That hadn’t stopped her before from purchasing something here or there. Having the guy she was seeing consistently bringing whatever she needed to her absolutely would be seen as her taking advantage of his money and ability to travel. It would probably be different if they were married, but they weren’t. Plenty of wandmakers had spouses that operated as their official buyers. Through legal means, of course.

jude sinclair archer ● 508

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

[jude sinclair archer]

━ sharing my heart, it's tearing me apart ━

DESPITE NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT Nell's family outside of what he had been told and seen from first-hand experiences, Archer's smirk dulled a little as he noted her expression. He knew Nell almost like the back of his hand, knowing that while on the outside her expression didn't change; deep within her she was probably just as annoyed at the entire situation.

Despite it all, Archer knew Nell probably had some kind of trick up her sleeve, especially since she had whined and rambled about the entirety of the situation for as long as it was going on. Aside from being her sister's punching bag, Archer couldn't help but notice how strong the younger Ollivander truly was, enduring it all while creating on the sidelines. "Leave the country?" He reiterated, brow raising while his lips curved upwards into a smile. "Where are we going?"

Even though Archer had offered such a thing, he knew to anticipate being rejected. Nell was critical about these things altogether and while the Cursebreaker was analytical in his own way, he didn't mind throwing money here and there for things. "Who said anything about unofficial channels?" He smirked, hands moving down to rest on her hips.

"If you're worried about government stuff or whatever...legalities...ownership...then just let me pay for it. Do it all your way and tell me the costs." Archer somewhat refused to back down, feeling guilty for his disappearance he just..wanted to pay Nell back whatever way he could best.

| eleanor gwendolen ollivander |